Chapter Text
see how clean the water is where you are
wash off your handcuffs
and know the hidden messages you hear
they aren't real, you tricked your mind to feel
circa survive - on letting go
July 8, 2013, Somewhere Near the Coast of Southern California As the Heat of Summer Brings Seething Mirages, Painting the Dream of a City Wholly Underwater
Your name is Eridan Ampora, and today promises to be the absolute best day of your young life. Well, cod, okay, you can't say for sure, but hopefully it'll mark a turn-around in you life after your completely fuckin unconscionable sixteenth birthday last month, when you spent several hours crying in your bedroom to avoid facing the table that you knew would be covered in festive decorations and attended exclusively by your dad, because you have no friends any more except Fef who was in the hospital after you accidentally punctured her stomach lining the day before when you tripped into her while showing off your awesome new metal wand with the end that was a whole lot sharper than advertised. You're gonna be feelin gillty about that for probably the rest of your life, that's for sure.
You woke up from this horrible nightmare you've had off and on for years, the one where you lose hope in the face of a familiar and terrible evil and murder someone you love more than anything with some sort of crazy magic just because you're mad and scared. You finish up puking in your guest bathroom, the closest toilet you could find on short notice, and now that you've got all that out of your system and stopped wondering why there seems to be a constant connection between love and death in your head, it's time to let your stomach do a different kind of dance, because today you and the freshly recovered Feferi Peixes are going to the beach together and you're finally going to ask your lifelong destined true love to go out with you.
You get dressed in your room and try to psych yourself up for the day by putting on a purple wizard cape and swishing around wearing it in front of the mirror for a minute, then stuff it in a drawer so you don't look utterly fucking ridiculous on the most important day you can possibly imagine. Instead you wrap your trademark striped blue scarf around your neck. You never let yourself be seen without it. You brush your fingers through the new purple streaks in your hair, a couple smaller ones instead of the thick line you used to have, and wish you aren't going to have to dye it to some 'natural' color again when you leave for school again.
At least you think your fashion sense is cool. That's one person more than coddamned usual.
One of the many phones in your house goes off; it's her, it's her. You feel sick with excitement.
"Hello there, Eridan!" Fef says in her pretty lyrical accent. You're about to greet her back but she cuts you off before you can even get out a simple hi Fef how are you. "I just remembered somefin reely important! I'm bringing along a friend I met a little whale back, his name is Sollux, he's a reel sweetheart! Cuter than a cuttlefish, you'll love him." You stammer random syllables in dismay, but she's already hung up. Girl doesn't waste time, that's for shore.
Doesn't waste one glubbin second, your Fef, does she?
Sollux Captor appears to be a scrawny little nerd with taped-together glasses that have infuriatingly garish red and blue tinted lenses, really needs a fuckin tan, and has a lisp that immediately annoys the hell out of you. From the state of his filthy t-shirt and ripped jeans, he's either lazy as a bored betta, or worse, he might not even come from money. Some dirty penniless little fucker has got no place anywhere near your Fef. Just the sight of him sitting on her other side while you all watch the glittering waves from the safe crest of a higher dune is filling you with unreasonable fury. Cod, what if he accidentally touches her and she catches some poor person disease or something?
"Tho CC," he says, and cod fucking damn do you hate that lisp, you're pretty sure he said CC but maybe it was "thee-thee" and you just don't understand vagrant geek language, "How'th thingth thinth you got out of the hothpital? Ith it thafe for you to be out here?" You stifle a snarl; he's obviously talking about Fef, he's using her Pesterchum handle instead of her name so they must have been friends online for cod knows how long without you knowing it, plus what an irritating way to refer to somebody, what a shithead, honestly.
"Oh, don't worry about me," Fef chirps. "I'm fine as a fishy fiddle and all this sea air otter do me some good!" She seems to be the only one happy about this situation; your betta simile was dead on in more than one way, 'cause whenever there's a free moment you and the geek shoot each other dirty looks. You could buy his fucking home out from under him and still afford to hire a hit man to finish the job later, once he was good and miserable. If you wanted. You mean, you could do that if you were a big jerk, and you're not a jerk, you're a super nice guy, really, you're just protective of your beloved, that's all. That’s definitely it.
Fef leans back and stretches, arching her back, and you wonder if she does this shit to you on purpose; she's exquisite in bright colors that sear your eyes in the sunlight, exquisite as always, your perfect pearl. Fuck, she tans well. Suddenly you notice that this Sollux asshole is staring just as hard as you are and you dig your fingers hard into the sand to suppress the urge to get up and punch him in the face.
"So Fef," you say, trying to keep your voice even, "Wwhere'd you meet this kid, anywway?" You hate the warble in two of those words, the speech disorder nobody ever managed to crack. Fef doesn't mind, but every other fuckin person in the world seems to.
"Eheheh, jutht thcrewing around online," Sollux says, answering a question you just asked someone who is not him. You're pacified somewhat by the irritated look on Fef's face.
"We NET on a dating site," Fef says, and you just about shit yourself in wide-eyed dismay before she narrows her eyes a bit and continues with "I was looking for fronds, Eridan. You can't just be the only person I know!"
"Wwho evven needs more fuckin friends," you mutter, but you must have been louder than you meant to be because the look on Fef's normally joy-blitzed face is scathing.
"Waterever! Cod, just because you can't reel in anybody else to hang out with doesn't mean I have to keep swimming alone for the rest of my own life!" You manage to keep your jaw closed through an awful lot of hurt and outrage. What the fuck is this? You've never heard Fef talk like this before, not to mention it's coming out of absolutely nowhere.
"Yeah, CA, not all of uth are total lotherth," Sollux says, and you're so extraordinarily mad that he somehow knows your handle that you stare him down and lose control over the words coming out of your stupid mouth.
"Hey, THOLLUX, you wwanna go or wwhat?" He sneers and stands up. You follow suit. The waves on the shore seem inappropriately calm. For some reason, an echo of your nightmare comes back, an awful wash of white light, and you force yourself to swallow a surge of stomach acid and breakfast.
"HEY!" Fef suddenly shouts before leaping to her feet. "I CANNOT BEREEF YOU TWO! Cod knows why I thought you could ever get along with ANEMONEBODY you sea for longer than a huffy little shark waits before chasing some blood in the water, Eridan! We haven't exactly been on this beach for a shell of a long time and you're already secods away from a fight looking like you're about to eat each other alive!" Now that you're all standing, the tension has totally shifted; you see Sollux staring and looking more surprised than vindictive. You guess that makes two of you.
"Wwhy'd you think I'd wwant a coddamn thing to do wwith some penniless geek in the first place!" You're not quite shouting, but your voice is starting to acquire some real volume. Somehow even through this hideous conversation, being home from school for the summer, being near Fef even when she’s in a rage you’ve never seen before, just being here is sucking you back into her adorable little world of fish puns. You thought you’d had all of that beaten out of you except in your head, but evidently you were wrong.
"SHUT UP FOR ONE GLUBBING SECOND!" Fef yells right into your face. You recoil and take a step back without really thinking about it. Then she turns to Sollux. "And you! I was HOPING to get somefin moray in my life that wasn't miserabubble, but you're being just as much of a bottomfeeder as he is!" Sollux also takes a step back. You have just learned something that you had never quite picked up on before: Feferi Peixes gets pretty scary when she's pissed.
"CC--" Sollux begins, and then she just straight up slaps him in the face.
"WE CARPED ABOUT THIS," she says, not yelling so much as speaking with real steel in her voice. It’s kind of impressive or maybe just unnerving that she’s still keeping up the fish thing even when she’s losing her shit. "YOU SAID OH NO CC IT'LL BE JUST FIN, I CAN GET ALONG WITH ANEMONEBODY! WHALE, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRUST BUOYS FROM THE FUCKING INTERNET." Then she turns to you and you take another step back because you're really not in the glubbin mood to get attacked by Fef of all people. "AND YOU! WATER EVEN HAPPENED TO YOU? WE USED TO BE SWIMMING IN THE SAME SCHOOL BUT EVER SINCE KARCRAB LEFT AND YOU STARTED GOING TO YOUR STUPID ACODEMY YOU'RE AN UTTER PIRANHA! I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT, LEAST OF ALL FROM YOU!" She shakes her head in disgust and starts to walk back across the sand toward the outskirts of the city.
"Fef," you say, and the next thing that comes out of your mouth is so perfectly ill-timed and involuntary that it blows your mind. "Wwait, don't go. I, I lovve you." She stops, turns back, stares. Sollux just stands there looking intensely uncomfortable. It's sort of amazing how fast you've learned to hate him, but even so you've got to admit you can understand how he must be feeling right now.
"How," she says, "How CODDAMN dare you fish that out of your nasty little mind NOW of all times?"
"You kneww?", you say, lost in a sudden stupor.
"I'm not blind as a swampfish! Of course I glubbing knew! I've known since we were thirteen and I've been dreading this moment ever since!"
"But, but, I LOVVE you," you say. "I'vve been there your wwhole coddamn life, I'm your best fuckin friend, you tryin to tell me you don't evven care? You, you gotta lovve me, wwhy wwouldn't you? It doesn't make any fuckin sense! I'vve been spendin YEARS tellin you how great you are, I'vve been there through fuckin evveryfin in your life!"
"THAT IS EXACTLY IT!" she screams right in your face after advancing close enough for you to feel her breath on your skin. Your eardrums protest and you take a step back without even thinking about it. "I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR CONSTANT CARPING ABOAT ALL THE TUNA LITTLE DETEELS ABOAT ME YOU OBSESS OVER, I DO NOT CARE ABOAT YOUR CREEPY ADVANCES, I DO NOT CARE ABOAT YOUR SHITTY CLASSISM OR YOUR SHITTY GLUBBING FASHION SENSE, I DO NOT CARE ABOAT YOUR STUPID WIZARD ACCESSORIES! I DO NOT CARE! SO LET ME SEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO FLOAT THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT YOUR SHIT FOR JUST A LITTLE WHALE, HOW ABOAT THAT, ERIDAN AMPORA!" You're so stunned that if there weren't tears threatening your eyes you might notice that you're feeling totally fuckin betrayed. This suddenly terrifying and vicious Feferi Peixes glares at you for a moment. "That is IT! I am leaving now to try and meet up with JADE, who ACTSHOALLY treats me like a person, and the two of you can go drown for all I care!"
As she fades into the distance, you look at Sollux and Sollux looks at you as he rubs his reddening injured cheek.
"Wwho the glubbin hell is Jade?", you ask nobody in particular. Sollux shrugs.
"Tho, uh," he says, "That thure thucked, eheheheh, fuck. The really ripped you a new athhole. Nithe going with the mathhive dick thing, lookth like you're pretty good at it. Rich bitch." He stuffs his hands in his pockets and stares at you through those offensively colored lenses and you want to just sock him in the throat and watch him drown on land.
"Shut the fuck up, you wworthless little nerd," you spit with dismissive venom, and you leave him behind as he turns and just sort of stands there, watching the waves.
You spend roughly three days in bed, mostly staring at the ceiling and wondering where you went wrong. You also call Fef's cell at least twenty times, but she doesn't even give you that much of a chance. Probably off fuckin around with this mysterious Jade girl. Every hour feels like a day, and every day feels like a year. Even when you're spending friendless months at school you're never this lonely. You realize that this is basically the end of your life. You're going to stay in bed until you die. And then, as you relive the fateful conversation for the thousandth time, it hits you that you might still have a chance. You just need a little help. His number's not in your cell any more, it's been too long, but some frantic digging uncovers it scrawled on a scrap of paper in your desk. You just hope it hasn't changed since you called last.
You discover that after all this time he still has your name in his phone, because he doesn't even bother with a questioning hello.
"Well, well, well," says a familiarly irritable and grating voice. "If it isn't Eridan fucking Ampora."
"Kar," you blurt out desperately, "I could really use some life advvice right about now."
"Life advice, huh. So you finally tried to ask her out and she rejected you completely."
"Wwell, uh, wwait, how'd you knoww that?" You are suddenly unsure if Karkat Vantas is spying on you or has perhaps acquired psychic abilities since you last saw him.
"BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR IT FOR THREE YEARS, PRINCE FUCKING OBLIVIOUS!" You hold the phone away from your ear, wincing, and then turn down the volume by about 50%. "Besides, why the hell else would you bother calling me? It's not like you exactly put forth a staggering or even reasonable amount of effort to keep in touch." He lets out a long sigh. "So tell me what happened. "
"She's makin friends on the internet! Without evven tellin me! There's this shitty little geek, and now apparently some girl evven he didn't knoww about, and --" He cuts you off right there.
"WOW!" he says. "Look at that! What an awful bitch, wanting to have more than one friend. Totally selfish. Or, wait, sorry, would that be shellfish? But no, you're so completely and instantly in the right here that I don't even need to hear the rest of your story about the cruel and twisted goddess who dared to have the fucking outrageous gall to seek out social interaction." You roll your eyes and then regret it because they're all scratchy from dehydration.
"Don't really need your fuckin sarcasm, Kar," you say, although it's not like you expected anyfin else. Even though he's got his colorful and vicious mannerisms aimed right at you, hearing that eternally angry voice sends a wave of painful nostalgia all through you. Somehow, somewhere along the way you'd forgotten how much you missed this obnoxious jerk.
"Oh, you don't need me after all? I guess you'll just have to wander through the utter ruin of your life alone, then, let me just hang up this phone. It's wired, can you believe that? Gets tangled and gnawed on all the time, it's a disaster, you don’t even know."
"No no don't hang up!" you say hastily enough that the words almost blend together. "Kar, I'm beggin you." You'll do anything at this point. He's the only lifeline you've got.
"Well," he says. "I guess if you're begging. I mean, obviously I owe you so much after the net fiasco and how you never replied to even one letter. Even one goddamned postcard! Seriously, how hard would that have been? It would have taken you about a minute." You're trying to avoid thinking about the bitterness in his words and focus on how the shell to respond to this when you hear a loud meow. Since when was Kar an animal person? You figure that's what a year in a different place can do to somebody. "So what happened. We're talking all the dirt, here. Hell, stick me in the ground and shovel it on until I’m just fucking choking on it. That sounds like about the only chance you've got."
"Wwell, wwe wwere supposed to go to the beach, and I wwas thinkin hey, I'vve been wwaitin six years already, wwhy not go for it?" You can almost hear him nodding in sudden rapt attention. He hasn't changed so much that he doesn't thrive on drama, that's for sure. "But then she showws up with this snarky little hobo nerd, all Oh Eridan I'm bringing my friend I nevver evven told you about --" There's a louder meow and Kar sighs for roughly five seconds. You had almost forgotten how long and hard this boy’s sighs can be.
"Nepeta," he says. "Sweetheart. Darling. Precious. Light of my LIFE. Do you remember what happened the last time you decided to chew on the phone cord." A louder, offended meow. More of a mrroooow, really. "That's right. We had to buy a new phone. Do you WANT to go phone shopping today." The next meow is kind of pathetic and sad and Kar groans. "Just give me five minutes with this dipshit. Five minutes."
"You purromised," some girl whines. Her voice is so high and candy-sweet you wonder if prolonged exposure might result in type 2 diabetes. "I've been waiting furreeeever!"
"And I'll be there in five minutes," Kar says in a placating tone. "You can wait another five minutes, can't you?" Another sad meow. "Wonderful. Excellent. Just let me sort this dipshit out, and please keep your teeth away from this cord, especially when I'm USING it?"
"You're no fun," she says. Kar sighs again. It seems like he does a lot of sighing these days.
"Anywway," you say, "The kid is a total piece of trash, fuckin lispin trashy hobo geek, and then I find out they met on some kinda datin site, and he goes and coddamn interrupts her and for some reason he’s got my handle and THAT ain’t wweird or anythin, and then I said wwho needs any more glubbin friends anywway, and Fef started bitchin about not wwantin to be alone her wwhole life or somethin and this Sollux basshole called me a loser, ME, can you fuckin believve the nervve, and I think wwe wwere about to take it to the next levvel and then Fef just lost it, she slapped him and I thought she wwas gonna just about krill me, and then she goes on this horrible rant about howw terrible I am like she’s been thinkin like that forevver and nevver evven fuckin told me, and then she started leavvin and—“
“And you told her you loved her because you’re a colossal raging shithead, am I close? Getting warm? Hot maybe? Like right in the fucking oven on a godless Arizona summer noon?"
“Uh…”, and you’re at such a loss for words for a few seconds that it’s almost magical, “Yeah, I, that’s about right. And THEN she just wwent off like a glubbin sea mine and said she’d been dreadin that moment for years and I told her all aboat lovvin her and howw I’vve been there for her wwhole life and it ain’t evven make sense for her not to lovve me or wwhatever, and she let loose this barrage of shit aboat howw tired she is of wwhatever it is she thinks I’vve been doin that she don’t like and howw she was gonna ditch or maybe quit bein friends I couldn’t evven tell, and she said somefin about some girl I’vve nevver heard nofin about and just left me wwith this dirty little nerd on the beach and I thought I’d be the bigger man and just go home. And that’s aboat it.” After you finally finish speaking, there’s a long, long silence on the line before Kar’s voice comes through, muffled a bit and you know that sound, it’s when he’s got his face in his hands because he just cannot deal with somefin.
“Eridan,” he says. “Eridan. I don’t even fucking know where to START with this bullshit. I do this shit ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND YOU ARE BEING SUCH A DIPSHIT SELF-RIGHTEOUS SELF-OBSESSED FUCKASS THAT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EVEN BEGIN FIXING YOUR GODDAMNED FESTERING TRASH HEAP OF A BRAIN!” By the end of that second sentence he’s yelling so loud that the speakers on your phone are putting out static along with the words. You’ve got the shell at least a foot away from your head and it still almost stabs into your eardrums. “Holy FUCK, man, what even happened to you? We used to be FRIENDS, I thought I KNEW you.”
“Used to be?” you say, not sure exactly why that’s the part you’re choosing to focus on.
“Yeah, shithead,” he says wearily, “Used to be. Remember that little pact about the web or the calling or the letters or the postcards or the goddamned HOLY FUCK SHIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING OH MY GOD YOU CAN’T JUST—“ there’s the unmistakable thump of a phone falling to the ground and hitting something soft followed by a different thump that’s more like a human body crashing to earth and you can almost swear you hear a sound like fingernails scraping desperately against carpet, “IT HAS NOT BEEN FUCKING FIVE MINUTES YOU JUST AGREED TO FIVE OH MY GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN--” and there’s that meow again except louder and somehow stern, and then a literal fading scream, “CALL ME BACK TOMORROW ASSHOLE I HAVE TO OH JESUS CHRIST WHY—“ and the line is quiet for a minute or two before it disconnects and switches over to repeated beeps.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]
CG: HEY. I TOLD YOU TO FUCKING CALL ME BACK. IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS. ARE YOU EVEN STILL ALIVE SOMEWHERE IN THAT CAVERNOUS MAZE YOU CALL A HOUSE?
CA: wwhoa fuck howwd you get this handle
CG: I'M A GODDAMNED WIZARD AND I JUST GOT DONE ASKING MY LOVINGLY ENCHANTED CRYSTAL KNOWLEDGE SPHERE. YEAH, A LOT'S HAPPENED IN THE LAST YEAR. MAN. NEVER EVEN KNEW I WAS A WIZARD. TALK ABOUT LIFE-CHANGING, I GOT PICKED UP OFF THE TOP OF A TOWER BY SOME EAGLES AND EVERYTHING.
CG: FEFERI GAVE IT TO ME. A LONG TIME AGO.
CA: wwhat youvve been talkin to fef
CG: I'VE BEEN TALKING TO FEFERI OFF AND ON FOR THE LAST YEAR, WHICH YOU MIGHT HAVE KNOWN IF YOU HADN'T BEEN SO OBSESSED WITH CREEPING ON HER AND PLAYING THE MARTYR THAT YOU QUIT ACTUALLY PAYING ATTENTION TO US.
CA: wwhat the glubbin fuck kar a year are you evven serious howw come nobody told me aboat this
CA: is there a reason youre typin in all caps right now kar
CG: NOBODY TOLD YOU ABOUT IT? YOU KNEW ABOUT IT AT THE START AND EVENTUALLY I GUESS SHE STOPPED MENTIONING IT BECAUSE NEITHER OF US THOUGHT YOU'D CARE. HERE, I'LL REFRESH YOUR APPARENTLY DEFECTIVE MEMORY: MY OTHER ONLY FRIEND DURING AN ENTIRE TWO YEAR SPAN OF MY LIFE, WHO YOU ARE STILL BEING A MASSIVE SHIT TO, LET'S NOT FORGET THAT, FOUND THIS PROGRAM AND WE ALL REGISTERED SO WE COULD KEEP IN TOUCH. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY FRIENDS EVEN THOUGH I HAD TO LEAVE, BUT YOU DIDN'T LOG ON EVEN ONCE UNTIL LAST MONTH AND YOU ONLY DID IT BECAUSE YOU WANTED A WAY TO WHINE ABOUT YOUR OWN ISSUES TO FEFERI WHEN SHE WAS LITERALLY PUKING BLOOD IN THE HOSPITAL. NICE WORK WITH THAT ONE, BY THE WAY, JESUS CHRIST. WHAT A NIGHTMARE. I WAS SCARED SHE WAS GONNA DIE. WERE YOU SCARED SHE WAS GONNA FUCKING DIE? I'M GETTING THE FEELING THAT YOU JUST USED THE CHANCE TO WALLOW IN SELF-PITY.
CG: ANYWAY, IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG FOR IT TO BE PAINFULLY OBVIOUS YOU DIDN'T GIVE HALF A SHIT ABOUT STAYING FRIENDS. SHE REMINDED YOU MORE THAN A FEW TIMES, UNLESS SHE WAS LYING ABOUT THAT FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON, WHICH REALLY WOULD NOT MAKE ANY SENSE, WHY DID YOU EVEN BRING SOMETHING LIKE THAT UP, CHRIST YOU'RE PARANOID.
CG: AS TO THE OTHER POINTLESS FUCKING QUESTION: WHY ARE YOU TYPING EXTRA LETTERS TO CREATE A VISUAL REPRESENTATION OF YOUR SPEECH IMPEDIMENT?
CA: because i can do wwhatevver i fuckin wwant and its none of your fuckin business?
CG: LOOK AT THAT, YOU ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION! MYSTERY SOLVED! WOW. WHAT A YEAR, MAN. A POPE STEPPED DOWN FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1415, FALL OUT BOY GOT BACK TOGETHER, TIGER WOODS MADE IT BACK TO NUMBER ONE, THE MYSTERY OF WHY KARKAT IS TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS NO MORE... I MEAN, I'M FRANKLY WOWED. AREN'T YOU GODDAMNED WOWED BY ALL THIS SHIT? WHAT A FUCKING YEAR.
CA: kar readin this shits like lookin at a red brick wall howw can you both talk and type so fast i cant get a fuckin wword in edgewwise
CG: I GUESS I'M JUST THAT MUCH BETTER AT TALKING AND TYPING THAN YOU ARE, SHITWAD. OKAY LOOK. WHATEVER. YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE AND I NEVER REALLY MATTERED TO YOU, I'VE HAD A YEAR TO FIGURE IT OUT AND GET OVER IT, I'VE COVERED THAT APPROPRIATELY AND YOU SHOULD FEEL APPROPRIATELY LIKE SCUM. THE IMPORTANT THING IS BEATING SOME SENSE INTO YOU, FOR HER SAKE IF NOTHING ELSE.
CA: i aint think i really need any more sense than wwhat i already got i think evverybody else needs a fuckin attitude adjustment because this is some searious bullshit
CA: just dont get wwhy i havve to swwim through hoops to showw a gill she lovves me
CG: JESUS, WHAT A SENTENCE. YOU'RE JUST FULL OF THESE LITTLE GEMS, I FEEL LIKE A MINER EXCEPT I'M MINING IN A MOUNTAIN OF SHIT AND ALL THE GEMS I MANAGE TO PRY LOOSE EXPLODE INTO VIOLET DIARRHEA THE SECOND I COME INTO FUCKING CONTACT WITH THEM.
CA: okay kar i get it you think im a jerk i get it noww say somefin useful for once
CG: I'M LETTING THAT "FOR ONCE" GO JUST THIS ONE TIME, DICKHOLE. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CALLED ME ANYWAY, REMEMBER? HEY WH LJS JLKD jvbcb sTOP GOD kfljasf DamMIT
CA: uh you okay somethin wweird goin on ovver there looks like a cats wwalkin ovver your keyboard
CG: :33 < *ac casually nudges karkitty out of his desk chair and paws curiously at the keyboard*
CA: kar be honest wwith me are you datin a furry noww is that wwhats goin on in your life
CG: :33 < *ac is offended by ca ignoring her, frowning with one of her mouths while the other sticks out its tongue to show her irritation and disdain*
CA: oh my god
CG: :33 < okay karkitty THINKS hes the only one who knows how relationships work but hes still a big dork who n33ds some help focusing once in a while!
CG: :33 < i dont know this cc girl but i do know that whatefur you think, you dont own her and she has her own life and you have to accept that soon before you lose her furever!
CG: :33 < *ac shrugs her shoulders, yawning along with a biiiiiiiiiiiig kitty stretch, then takes her paws off poor squirmy yelling karkitty so he can talk again* X33
CA: kar im seriously startin to be concerned about your home life wwhats goin on you can talk to me man i knoww you said all that carp about not bein friends but youre wwrong i do still care i just, i dont know, i fucked up, im sorry
CG: I KNOW THIS IS POINTLESS ADVICE BECAUSE JUST ABOUT ANYBODY COULD BENCH PRESS YOUR HIPSTER BEANPOLE ASS WITH MINIMAL EFFORT, BUT LISTEN. NEVER DATE A GIRL WHO CAN PIN YOU TO THE FLOOR WITH HER "PAWS" WHILE SHE STEALS YOUR LAPTOP AND EMBARRASSES YOU IN FRONT OF TOTAL HUMAN GARBAGE YOU USED TO KNOW.
CG: AND THAT'S JUST LOVELY THAT YOU'RE SORRY, IT JUST MEANS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW THAT YOU MANAGED TO TYPE A COUPLE OF WORDS THAT WEREN'T ABOUT YOUR OWN POOR PERSECUTED HEART. LISTEN, I'M OUT OF TIME HERE. I'VE GOT A BUSINESS TO RUN. GET IN TOUCH WITH FEFERI. AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT A TOTAL PRICK I THINK SHE'S READY TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN, OR AT LEAST SHE WAS CONSIDERING IT YESTERDAY.
CA: she aint online so wwhat am i supposed to do aboat that mr relationship expert i cant exactly message somebody who aint evven online
CG: CALL HER ON THE PHONE OR GO TO HER FUCKING HOUSE! JESUS CHRIST, DO SOME THINKING FOR YOURSELF FOR ONCE. ACTUALLY, NO, JUST LISTEN TO ME, BECAUSE WE'VE ALREADY SEEN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEBODY LETS YOU THINK FOR YOURSELF. JUST... UGH. TREAT HER LIKE A PERSON, OKAY? I KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS FOR YOU, BUT MAN THE FUCK UP ALREADY AND GROW A SOUL.
CG: AGAIN, BUSINESS TO RUN. TALK TO YOU LATER.
CA: wwhat business hey wwait dont just disappear on me wwere not done talkin
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has stopped pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]
It's pretty embarrassing how long you stand on Fef's cute little porch, pacing nervously back and forth in front of her door, trying to work up the nerve to knock or ring the doorbell or do anything reasonable, bassically, but mostly you just distract yourself looking at all the little paper mache cuttlefish dangling from the awning overhead and hoping nobody looks out a porthole and sees you there before you make your move. You wonder why she still lives in such a small house when she's so fucking rich she makes you look like that Captor kid by comparison. It's one thing having a dad who designs highly classified weapons for the military and another having a mom who's currently CEO of a staggeringly well-known and profitable corporation. You'd be jealous if you didn't know that her mom also happens to be even less present in her life than dad is in yours, and that when she is present, well, it's not long before storms start brewing in the Peixes household.
You really, really hope this goes well. Hope's about all you've got left, and if Kar and his weird furry girlfriend are right, this might be your last chance to set things straight. You shut your eyes and listen to crickets piercing the evening as you hope as hard as you can, whatever that even means, then finally ring the doorbell. She opens it ten seconds later, which is a little too quickly for comfort, or maybe just quickly enough for comfort, you're really not shore.
"Hi," she says, face and voice both mostly cold. You manage to keep your wince off your face and stay composed. She's wearing her favorite outfit, the black tank top with the Pisces sign on it and the tri-colored skirt. As much as Fef likes to be flashy once in a whale, she doesn't break that one out on just any day, and it sure as hell wasn't because you were coming over. Even if she wasn't still pissed at you, it's not like you said anything about showing up.
"Fef, look, I'm... I didn't..." You shuffle your feet a little bit and look down. "I wwas, uh, do you wwanna... carp, or somefin?" Glancing up hopefully you see the same icy lack of expression.
"That," she replies, "Depends on what we're carping aboat. Is it aboat how you're sorry for fin-ally pushing me past my breaking point? Aboat any of the other shellishly intolerabeel things you've put me through? Or is it aboat waterever delugeions you're still harboring of keeping me anchored to you for the rest of forever?" Coddamn, was that ever to the point. You try to think, figure out what the right thing to say is, how to apologize, and then you start thinking about all the shit she kept behind your back when you were supposed to be best friends forever, about how many other parts of her life she might be keeping locked away from you without saying a glubbin word about them, and you start to feel a nasty white heat rising from your gut into your chest. Inexplicably, the geek with the hideous glasses is in the back of your mind; you see him, or, huh, something that looks like him all cuttled up with her somewhere, carping about whatever shit shitty little shit nerds carp about, and your cheeks color with outrage.
"Anchored? Fuckin anchored? Wwhat, you think you just go an tell a guy you're gonna be his best frond for life and then just glubbin jet off wwith keepin this wwhole secret life you ain't tell him nothin about and wwhen he gets pissed off, HE'S the one doin somefin wwrong?" You're not looking down any more, no, you're staring her down, more like. She starts to say something and you cut her off before she can spew any more bullshit. "Intolerable? You knoww wwhat's fuckin intolerable? It's gettin motherglubbin BITCHED OUT in PUBLIC for spillin your FUCKIN GUTS AFTER SIX YEARS OF WWAITIN AND TRYIN NOT TO BE PUSHY IN THE MEANTIME!"
"Eridan--" she starts to say, but there's a haze of white around the edges of your vision and your whole body is burning with rage and indignation and you grab her by the shoulder to shove her back into her fucking shitty little house and REELY let her know what's up
and then you're on your back on the hard concrete of her porch, dazed, the hateful glow dissipated and replaced with dizziness, an aching jaw, and stars flashing in front of your face. You groan and slowly sit up, trying to figure out what the shell just happened, ignoring the taste of copper flowing into your mouth from where tooth must have met cheek way too hard. The back of your head aches from your rough landing.
"F-Fef?" you manage. She's all blurry, actshoally so is everything, your head dips down without permission but you guess it's for the best because you see your glasses off to your right and put them back on, swaying against your will. The frames are a little bent and there's a crack right down the middle of one lens. You blink hard a few times and when you can see a little clearer she's still standing there, looking down at you with hate in her lovely eyes and tears running down her cheeks.
"Get away from me," she says. "Just get the fuck away from me," and she goes back into her house and slams the door. A second later you can hear the click of two sets of locks bolting; a few seconds after that, the shades pull shut on her windows, blocking out what light is left as the last few rays of sunlight dip beneath the sea.
Picking yourself up off the ground and stumbling off her porch, you almost fall in the process. You wonder if you've got a concussion. Maybe you deserve one. Who glubbin knows any more.
The walk home is gonna be long and dark, which fits your mood perfectly, and you're more than a little surprised when the very first street you turn on sends your chest slamming into something that almost knocks you over. Actually it sort of does knock you over, except then it forms a fist around your shirt and pulls you back upright. The shock of it all throws your eyes out of focus again and while you're trying to make sense of the fishuation you feel something cold and hard poke into your gut.
"The next time you touch her like that you're a ghost! Okay?" It's dark but you can make out the a silhouette of long dark hair framing a glint of bright green eyes through the shadows. You don't recognize the voice at all, but it's definitely not a guy's voice, even if it's more than a little bit growly.
"I, wwhuh, wwho are..." The cold thing jabs into your stomach again and you grunt in pain. Looking down, you see... oh my cod. That's a fucking gun. That's the barrel of real life honest-to-cod motherfucking gun pressed against your stomach.
"You hear me, fuckass?!" she snarls, what sounds like it might normally be the voice of your everyday teenage gill slipping through as a hint of hysterical fury causes the last word in her sentence to rise in pitch and crack just a little bit.
"Y-yeah, yeah, I hear you, j-just, holy shit, don't shoot me," you sputter, dragging your gaze away from the weapon before you really panic and meeting her eyes again.
"Why not, huh? Why shouldn't I?" You feel the gun sliding upward until it's settled painfully against your chest, right next to the shockingly strong hand still holding you hostage. "Put a hole through your heart right here and now, just like you did to her?" You have no fuckin clue what that means but hearing it makes you start to shake all over. Vague scenes of flashing light and screams and gushing fuchsia and green blood dance in front of your eyes and fill your ringing ears. What the fuck is goin on here? Why are you sure all that viscous liquid is blood when it's two different colors and neither of them is red?
"Ww-wwater you talkin aboat?" You thought the nautical puns were expunged from your automatic vernacular but apparently just being back home again is enough to make them reflexive. If you weren't so fucking terrified you'd hate it, although not half as much as you hate the squeaky way your voice comes out, the way your W's warble even worse than usual. It's like being back at the academy, pressed up against the wall by whatever bigger fish feels like fucking with you on whatever day it happens to be, trying to cling to dignity even when you know you're seconds from being curled up in a ball clutching your stomach and coughing and puking in the corner of a verdant courtyard while mobs of other boys walk by and snicker, rough paving stones scraping your skin and leaving permanent scuff marks on the shitty glubbin uniforms they force you to wear, one more thing to do to try and make you into another brainwashed kid ready to join the service the second he graduates, one more way they try to steal who you are and turn you into someone else.
"Oh, you don't remember? Don't remember what you DID? Lucky you! I remember, Mr. Purple Meanie Creepass Amnesiac, so just try to at least remember what I said NOW. Okay? OKAY?!" She's crazy, whoever she is, she's glubbin, she's fuckin, she's coddamn crazy, you can hear it in her voice, hysterical and enraged and... quavering? She sounds kind of like she's about to cry, actshoally, and you feel awkward and guilty for the second it takes you to move from that thought back to the sharp pain of the gun barrel that's still shoving against your ribcage, right over your heart.
"Remember ww-wwhat noww?" The barrel pulls away and she shoves you hard, letting go of your shirt so you fall yet again and land painfully ass-first on the pavement. She stares down at you and you realize she's even shorter than Fef, the unsteady figure of a small, dark-skinned girl, and she whispers just loud enough for you to hear.
"Touch her like that one more time," she hisses, "and you're a fucking ghost." With that she turns and stalks off into the night, long shaggy hair blowing in the warm summer wind. The last thing you notice before she's gone is the gun; you figured it was a pistol, that'd only make sense, but it's not, it's a rifle. A glubbin rifle! How the fuck can a person just wander around town with a coddamn rifle without anymoby noticing?
It's a few minutes before you manage to get up again, fear and confusion and hurt and guilt and minor head trauma churning at your gut, and you spend the rest of the walk home peering carefully around every corner before you finally get there, fumble with your keys, and then lock the door behind you as fast as you fuckin can.
caligulasAquarium [CA] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
CA: one guess wwho almost got hisself shot to death by a teenage gill tonight kar
CG: . . .
CG:
CG: I THINK WE REALLY NEED TO HAVE A TALK ABOUT JUST WHAT IN THE SHIT YOU'RE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE.
CA: buyin a coddamn bulletproof vvest thats wwhat im fuckin doin