Work Text:
“So, I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve got you bunked with Josh tonight. There was a mix up with how many rooms we needed when we booked, and now they are full and don’t have any available,” Mark hurriedly informs you in the lobby of the hotel, hand rubbing the back of his neck nervously.
You had been traveling with the band for the past few months as a secondary photographer, technically as an apprentice to Brad. You might’ve been a newbie, right out of school, but you did have amazing talent behind the camera, which the band and crew obviously recognized.
Luckily when you came on, everyone was very kind and accepting towards you, and you managed to make a few good friends within the crew, including Josh.
Your relationship with Josh, while close and comfortable, was never that kind of close close. Sure, you’d share things with each other and tease each other, but it never went deep. Not the late night, deep conversations, no admittance of fears or emotions, no secrets or tears, just comfortable.
“Hey, that’s fine with me, I don’t mind sharing. If he’s cool with it, I’m cool with it,” you say, slinging your bag over your shoulders as he hands you the room key.
“Well, honestly, he didn’t say much, just kinda offered a half smile and a shrug. But between you and me, that boy could use some company. Someone who’s not Tyler.” His eyes widen when he realizes how what he said came across. “Not- not that Tyler’s bad or anything, I think he just needs someone else… as well. Someone who can fill the gaps that Tyler can’t… oh god, this is coming out all wrong,” he says a bit panicked, shaking his head.
“Hey man,” you say, placing your hand on Mark’s shoulder, “don’t worry about it. I totally know what you’re trying to say, and I get it. Sometimes you just need to vent to someone who hasn’t heard it all before. Get a second opinion, so to speak. A different point of view.”
He lets out a whoosh of relief. “See? This is just one of the many reasons we love having you around. You totally get what we mean, even when we can’t seem to spit it out,” he says, visibly relaxing.
It had always been that way for you, actually. You were very intuitive growing up, and it only seemed to become more fine-tuned as an adult. There were a lot of occasions when people didn’t even need to say anything for you to know something was up, or if they had trouble stating what they meant, like Mark, you could always just tell. It was a blessing and a curse at times.
“Alright, so we’re meeting up for dinner down in the lobby around 6:00. It's more of a logistics meeting for the tech crew so you don’t technically have to be there, but you are more than welcome to join, of course.”
“Well, I have been wanting to sneak in a few more behind the scenes photos. Maybe get in a few more candids, if I can. So yeah, I’ll probably see you there.” You hold your key card up and nod, silently saying goodbye to Mark and make your way up to your room.
When you arrive, you politely knock before swiping the key card and pushing the door open. The room had two beds, and Josh had already spread out on the one furthest from the door. He was lying on his back, left arm propping up his head and phone in his right hand, scrolling through some app on his phone.
“What’s up, dude?” you say, pulling your suitcase over to the other bed and turning around to drop your heavy backpack onto the mattress. “You sure you don’t mind me rooming with you? I can always share with someone else if you wanna have a room to yourself. It’s no biggie.”
He clicks off his phone, rolling over to his side to face you. “No, I don’t mind. It’ll be fun. Like a high school sleepover.”
He chuckles weakly as you rummage through your backpack, pulling out your phone and laptop chargers, plugging them into the wall on your side of the nightstand.
“I may end up asking you to cuddle with me though,” he adds quietly.
“Sounds like fun,” you giggle a bit as you open your laptop and hook up your camera to transfer files over. “Just like all those high school sleepovers I remember.”
Little did you know just how serious he was.
The next hour goes by in a mostly comfortable silence between the two of you. He busied himself going back and forth between mindlessly flipping through the channels on the tv and scrolling through his phone.
Once your files finished transferring over to your laptop, you immersed yourself in your work, looking through the shots you had gotten and even doing some light editing to a few of your favorites.
Suddenly the air in the room begins to feel thick. It’s like when you step outside after being in the AC all day, during the hottest part of summer, and the sudden change in air temp, humidity, and the thickness of the summer heat just sucks the air right out of your lungs making it hard to breathe.
You quickly glance over at Josh to make sure he was okay. He was rolled over facing the wall, once again scrolling through his phone, so you assumed everything to be okay. You turn back to your laptop and come across a particular favorite picture of yours that happens to be of him at his drum set. He’s super into what he’s playing, the colors are vibrant, and his facial expression is priceless.
“Hey, Josh, look at this one. Isn’t it fantastic?!” you ask as you turn your laptop toward his bed. He only half rolls over, pawing at his eyes and sniffing quietly. It’s only then that you notice his labored breathing.
“Oh my god, Josh, are you okay? What’s the matter?” you question, dropping your laptop to your bed and crossing the room to sit next to him on his. “Hey, hey, what’s the matter? What’s going on?” you ask again, placing your hand on his shoulder and rolling him the rest of the way over, onto his back.
“N-nothing. It’s dumb. I’m dumb.”
“Josh, if something is bothering you this much, then there’s no way it’s dumb.”
“But it is. It’s so s-stupid.”
“Try me.”
He takes a deep breath and huffs it out, wincing and bringing the heels of his hands up, pressing against his eyes before he continues. “It’s like, I’m constantly surrounded by people, ya know? People who I know love me and care about me, but I… I somehow still feel... just… so alone all the time. I don’t know, it’s dumb. I told you it was dumb.”
You lean over and sympathetically run your fingers through his hair, taking note of how he closes his eyes and leans into it, even if it only lasts for a fraction of a second.
“It’s not dumb, Josh. Not at all, but do you think you can explain it a little more for me?”
“Like, I’ll have these days where I don’t even want to get out of bed and I’m just lying there, crying my eyes out, longing for some person that has no name. Like, all I want is to just lay down and have someone hold me.”
Taking that as your clue, you suddenly sit up. “Alright, come here,” you say as you shift around a bit, having him sit up so you can slide over next to him with your upper body behind his, pulling him down so that he can prop his head on your chest, just under your chin, with your arms wrapped firmly around him.
He takes in a couple of shuddering breaths before huffing slightly. “You… you wanna know something really stupid? I even ended up going out and getting one of those body pillows. This, like, 4-5 foot long body pillow, just so I could have something to cuddle up with. It worked for a while, but… just imagine, holding onto a sack of fabric and stuffing, desperately wishing it were a person. I mean, pillows can't exactly hug back.” He sniffs again and your heart freaking shatters for him.
“Even just being around Tyler and Jenna is hard sometimes. And like, they hug me and stuff, you know? Tyler and I are really close. Like, I know they love me and care for me and all that, but I still... I just feel… I feel so lonely. God...”
He turns his face to bury it into your chest, clutching at your shirt and erupting into another wave of sobs. That’s when it hits you. You squeeze a bit tighter.
“Oh honie, I know what this is. I know exactly what this is. You are touch starved. I mean, yeah, quick hugs between friends and pats on the back are great and all, but when you’ve been without meaningful touch or affection for so long, your body and can react in negative ways, anxiety and depression to name just a couple.”
He’s still shaking with held in sobs when you continue, “Have you thought about maybe doing therapeutic massage? Those can be very healing.”
He sniffs, turning his head to wipe his eyes and cheeks before answering. “I don’t really like the idea of some stranger touching me like that. And besides, the thought that the only reason they’re even touching me in the first place is because I’m paying them to do so makes me feel like a dirty, pathetic loser.”
You fall silent and slowly run your open palms up and down his back. In what world is it okay for someone as kind, caring, sweet, and loving as Josh to ever feel so sad, miserable, or unwanted… unloved? Josh was one of the brightest souls you had ever met, and he did not deserve to ever feel this way. It hurt your heart to think that’s what he was going through and how he felt, that these were the kind of thoughts he was having and how they affected his emotions.
“Will you stay with me tonight?” he murmurs. You don’t answer, but gesture over to your bed as if to say, ‘I’m already staying with you’.
“I don’t mean stay in the same room,” he continues, “I mean stay with me, like, over here... with me… in my bed.”
He turns his head to look up at you for the first time. His eyes are all puffy and red-ringed, and at this point, you would give him the world if he only asked.
“I know- I know it’s pathetic and I feel stupid even asking, and you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I just… I really, really need this.”
You place a small kiss to his temple and squeeze him a bit tighter. “Of course, Josh. Anything you need.”
-----
The dinner meeting was held in a small boardroom not far from the lobby. Mark and several others gave whatever updates and concerns they had before dinner was served, and you were able to move about the room and capture a few good shots of the crew just interacting with each other.
You ate quickly, spending most of your time flipping through the photos you had just taken and holding light conversation with Jenna and Tyler. Josh, on the other hand, had hardly eaten a thing, just sitting quietly with his forehead resting against his palm and pushing his food around on his plate. It’s not long after that he’s pushing his plate away and standing, earning concerned looks from the couple.
“I'm sorry, guys. I’m feeling pretty worn out. Think I’ll head up to bed.” He casts you a longing look, and you minutely nod your head before he turns and walks out.
You turn to Tyler and Jenna, sighing heavily before speaking. “If you two don’t mind, I think I’m going to go up with him. He had a very emotional day earlier, and I think it would do him some good to try and vent some of that out if I can get it out of him.”
“Please, go ahead. Josh has been acting… distant, lately, and we’ve been concerned for him, so anything that can help, we want that for him,” Jenna says, her concern evident in her voice.
“Yep. What she said,” Tyler adds, offering a gentle smile that you recognize as an expression of ‘thanks for taking care of him’.
-----
When you open the door to your room, it’s mostly dark inside, the only light is coming from the tv, which is showing some infomercial type advertisement.
Josh is sitting in the middle of his bed, knees pulled up to his chest and chin resting on his knees. He is looking at the tv, but his gaze is unfocused.
You set your camera down on your bed and toe off your shoes before immediately walking over and crawling onto his bed, sitting cross legged directly in front of him.
“Hey, come here,” you say softly, placing your hands on his shoulders to pull him into a hug. He drops his knees to match your criss-cross position and allows himself to be pulled as you wrap your arms over his, squeezing tightly. He sighs heavily, and you let the hug linger, content to hold him for as long as he needs.
You begin to slowly rub your palms up and down his back, and feel him move his legs apart to scoot closer. He turns his head, resting the side of his face on your shoulder. He lets out a shuddering breath and just allows himself to be held.
Quietly, almost whispering, you say, “I wanna try something, okay? But if at any time you are uncomfortable, or don’t like what I’m doing, you tell me to stop and I will immediately back off. Deal?” You feel him shake his head ‘yes’ against your shoulder, so you continue.
“Okay, I need you to look at me.” He drops his hands to rest at your waist and lifts his heavy head to look at you, pain evident in his eyes even in the low light. You lean your head forward, resting your forehead against his.
“Is this okay?” you ask slowly and quietly. He nods his head ‘yes’, so you lift your hands, placing your fingernails right at his hairline and very languidly scratch his scalp from front to back in one long, slow movement. He shudders, goose bumps forming on his skin. You raise your hands to a slightly different area and repeat your movements, his eyes falling shut as he releases a small, quiet moan.
His eyes immediately spring back open and he looks a bit panicked. “S-sorry. Didn’t mean to,” he says, embarrassed.
“Josh,” you answer, still using a very calming, quiet voice, “it’s okay to make noises. Those sounds are just your body releasing all that pent up, negative energy. It’s letting you know that this feels good. Let the good replace the bad. Don’t hold the sounds in, okay?” He nods again, closing his eyes as you start to move your nails in circles, massaging his scalp.
He sighs heavily, his hands twitching at your sides. “Josh, how do you feel?”
“I feel… heavy? I feel tired and heavy.”
“Okay.” You remove your hands from his scalp and instead use the pads of your three middle fingers to firmly push on the back of his neck, rubbing long lines from the base of his neck, all the way to the base of his skull, rubbing small circles there before dropping your fingers and repeat.
He drops his head back to your shoulder and sighs once again.
“Does that feel good?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Good.”
You continue this action for a few minutes, listening intently to the way he breathes. You are listening to make sure this is not only making him feel good, but for any signs of him being uncomfortable or in physical pain.
You move your hands down to his shoulders now, squeezing and then using the heels of your hands to push firmly from his neck out to the tops of his arms. You repeat this action a couple of times before he suddenly shudders, letting out a loud sob. You can feel the hot tears making your shirt wet at your shoulder.
“I’m sorry. I- I don’t know why I’m crying,” he says, lifting a hand to wipe his tears.
“It’s okay, Josh. No one here is judging you. Crying is a release of emotion, pain, and hurt. It’s a completely natural reaction to this kind of touch, and is absolutely okay. Crying releases stress, so please, don’t hold it in, okay? If you feel the need to cry, just let it out.”
“Okay,” he agrees weakly, sniffing and wiping his eyes again.
You move now to his arms where you squeeze the tops of his biceps, move down a hand’s length, squeeze there, move down, squeeze again, all the way down until you reach his wrists before coming back up and repeating. You repeat a few times before you come to a stop and pull him to you, embracing him in another tight hug. You sit there for several minutes, just holding him and rocking back and forth.
You still your bodies and turn your head, placing a kiss to the side of his neck. You don’t miss the way he hums at that quick action before sitting up, pulling him to sit up with you.
“Okay, this is the part where I need you to tell me if I go too far, or if it becomes too much, okay?”
He shakes his head ‘yes’ and closes his heavy eyelids, the effort of holding them open becoming too much for him.
You reach up, gently placing your hands on either side of his jaw and lean forward, placing a light, chaste kiss to his right temple. When you receive no bad reaction, you move to the other side, repeating the action on his left.
Receiving no negative signals, you move agonizingly slow to continue this action, placing soft, chaste kisses to his forehead, cheeks, both eyelids, his nose, his chin, and finally coming to hover over his lips, where you whisper, “Is this okay?” He nods and lifts his chin to close the gap, meeting his lips with yours.
You keep the kiss chaste, but it still lingers. When it ends, Josh lifts his hands to the back of your head and pulls you in, kissing again. He moans this time, kissing just a little harder and more frantic.
“Hey, hey, slow down,” you soothe, running your fingers through his hair once more. We have all night, okay?” He nods and you continue, “Josh, how do you feel?” you ask, pulling back slightly.
“Warm. I feel… warm.”
You lean forward and leisurely begin to place slow, soft kisses on his jaw, under his jaw, across his throat, and down his neck. His stubble burns your lips a bit, but you could care less as you listen to his soft sighs.
You’ve just finished placing a kiss to his right shoulder when you hear a whimper escape him.
“What’s the matter?”
“N-nothing.”
“Whines and whimpers let me know that you need something. What is it? What do you need, Josh?”
“I… I don’t know. I don’t know what I need, I’m sorry.” He starts to tear up again, and you lean forward, kissing his forehead.
“Shhh, shhh. It’s okay. It’s alright. Let’s try something a little more intense. If it’s okay with you, I would like to try skin-to-skin contact. Skin-to-skin is good because it releases oxytocin into the body. It helps you feel comfort by relieving stress and pain.”
He nods and you continue.
“If it’s okay, I will need to remove your shirt for this. I will remove mine as well, but I will keep my bra on if that is what is more comfortable for you. It’s nothing fancy and probably covers more than a bathing suit top would, but we can always remove it later if you decide that you need or want the full skin-to-skin contact.” You lift your hand so that it is lightly cradling his jaw, lifting his gaze to yours. “Does that sound like something you would be okay with, Josh?”
He closes his eyes and slightly nods ‘yes’ as two rogue tears escape his eyes. You reach out and wipe them away with your thumbs before moving your hands down to the hem of his shirt.
“Okay, I’m going to start now.” You give a slight pause before you start to slowly lift his shirt up. It bunches slightly at his armpits before he raises his arms, allowing you to pull it up and off.
Once off, you pull him to you in a small hug. “Is this still okay?” you ask, and feel him nod his head ‘yes’. “Alright,” you say as you let go and sit back, “I’m going to continue now.”
You see him drop his head, chin to his chest so that he’s not looking. You quickly remove your shirt and pull him back to you. He hooks his chin over your shoulder, and you move your arms under his, wrapping them tightly around his back, pressing as much skin from your chests together as you can.
Needing to be closer, you move your legs so that your thighs rest on top of his, your feet pushed out behind him, and scoot forward to press as much skin from your chests and bellies together as you can possibly manage.
You sit there, motionless for a few moments, allowing him to adjust before you start to lightly skim your fingertips in long, slow strokes up and down his back. He hums at the feeling as his skin erupts into goosebumps.
“Is this still okay, Josh?”
“Mhmm.”
“Does this feel good to you?”
“Mhmm”
“How are you feeling right now?”
“I-I still feel warm, but I feel… I don’t know, I feel... fuzzy? Too?”.
“Good. Warm and fuzzy are good feelings.”
You move your hands and start to lightly run your fingernails up and down the length of his arms. You take your time, unrushed as you begin praising him.
“You are so beautiful, Josh,” you soothe before leaning forward to place a kiss on his shoulder.
Lifting his arm, you continue, “You are loved.” You place another kiss at the bend of his elbow.
“You are wanted.” Another kiss at his wrist.
“You are needed,” you finish as you place a final kiss to his palm. You keep his palm in your hands as you use your thumbs to press firmly into the meat of his hand. You continue pressing, rubbing firm strokes across his palm.
When you feel you massaged his hand enough, you start to lightly graze your nails across his wrist and palm, extending out to the tips of his fingers.
You repeat this several times and suddenly feel him bend his knee, quickly leaning forward to rest his elbow there and burying his head into his free hand as a new wave of sobs wracks his body. They are hard, forceful sobs that come from deep within the gut, his whole body quaking.
You let go of his hand and he immediately brings it to his face to join the other, effectively burying his face into his hands. You give him a moment to bawl and just let it all out, sitting and waiting patiently for him to calm.
When, after a few moments he doesn’t calm, you reach up and place your hands onto his shoulders.
“Josh? Are you okay? Do we need to stop?”
He shakes his head ‘no’, moving his hands and wiping at his swollen, puffy eyes.
“N-no. We don’t need to stop. I don’t want to stop. I just… I just got a little… overwhelmed, I guess? I couldn’t keep the emotions in. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, Josh. Remember that crying is cathartic. It needs to come out. This is perfectly okay.”
He looks at you pitifully, lip still slightly quivering and opens his arms, asking for another hug. You lean forward and allow him to cling on to you for as long as he needs.
A few deep breaths later, you feel him turn his head and start to place kisses along the line of your neck. He begins to hum with each kiss, and that’s when you pull back to face him.
“Josh, do not feel like you, at any time, need to reciprocate any form of touch. This is all about you and your healing.”
“I know, but I feel like I want to,” he says as he dips his head down to place another kiss at the base of your neck and shoulder. You feel him lightly tug your bra straps, pulling them down to fall around your shoulders. “I think I want the full contact now.”
“If you are sure, we can definitely do that, if that’s what you need.”
“I’m sure,” he says, reaching around to unclasp your bra. You reach up to catch it and pull it off, immediately pressing against him. He brings his hands up and moves his hands up and down your back.
“How does that feel?”
“Feels good. Your skin is so warm and soft. I like how it feels against mine.”
“Good.”
“I want… c-can we… god, I feel stupid even asking this…”
“Josh, stop. There is nothing you can say or ask right now that would be anywhere close to stupid. This is about you and your needs, so whatever it is, please know that you can ask without fear of judgment.”
He takes a deep breath, pushing it out through his nose quickly before he continues, “Can we… would it be alright if we could, like, r-remove our pants too?” He looks up, worry and alarm evident on his face. “We… we would leave our underwear on, of course,” he rushes, “I just want… I just want to be closer, if that makes sense.” He sighs again, squeezing his eyes together like he’s internally chastising himself.
“That makes complete sense, and yes, we can absolutely do that if you want.”
You scoot back so that you can swing your legs around and stand up. He stands as well, and you politely turn away so that he doesn’t feel so exposed while undressing. You wait until you hear his pants unzip before you start to push down your leggings, removing them and your socks together.
“If you haven’t already, take off your socks too, please, and let me know what you’re ready” you instruct.
You hear a little bit more rustling and then a soft, “‘Kay.” You turn and pull him to you, wrapping your arms around his waist and placing your ear directly over his heart. He lets his hands come up to rub at your back, and lets out a nervous sigh.
“Don’t be nervous. There is nothing to be nervous about with me, okay? I want you to completely relax.” You feel him nod above you, so you move on. “Are you ready to continue, now?”
“Uh huh.”
“Okay. Sit up against the pillows this time, I’m going to try something different.” He does so and waits for you to tell him what to do next. “Open your legs up a bit.” He does and you knee walk over to sit in between them, facing outwards. You scoot back as much as you can and lean back, your back against his torso, and your head resting on his chest.
He whimpers a bit when you sit back, so you ask, “Is this okay, Josh? Do you need me to move?”
“No. This is good. I like feeling your weight pushing back on me… it’s grounding.”
“Good. I can’t see your face, so please tell me if there’s anything you need or that I need to change.” You feel him nod behind you and so you keep going.
You move your hands to the top, outer parts of his thighs and lightly scratch long, slow lines down to his knees and then back up. You move your hands to different parts of his thighs on each downward movement, trying to touch as much skin as possible.
You hear him whimper behind you before he quietly speaks up, “I... I don’t know where I should put my hands,” he admits.
“Put them anywhere that you feel comfortable, Josh. You can put them over your head, behind your head, down at your sides, or if you want, you can wrap them around my ribs and hold onto me. Do whatever makes you feel good.”
It takes a few moments, but soon enough you feel his arms wrap around your ribs, hands holding his own forearms as his head comes to rest on top of yours as he sighs. You smile at that.
“Bend this knee for me, and place your foot in my lap,” you say, tapping his left leg. He does so and you begin working on his calf, rubbing your knuckles firmly up and down from his knee to his ankle.
“How do you feel, Josh?”
“I feel... good. I feel s-safe,” he says as he takes a deep breath.
“Very good. You are safe here with me, Josh.”
You continue to work, moving down to concentrate on his foot. You begin by pushing your thumbs into the center of his arch with firm pressure. He groans at that and you keep going, moving your thumbs to apply pressure to the middle of the balls of his feet. He groans again, longer this time, but you don’t stop. You squeeze the heel of his foot and then, using your thumbs, apply pressure, sliding up from the heel to the tip of each toe.
Once you’ve gone through each toe, you move to the top, lightly grazing your nails from his ankles and over the top of his foot. You hear him let out a whimper behind you, and soon feel the tears drip to your shoulders. You move to the other calf and start to repeat the whole process.
“Why?” he whispers.
“Why what, Josh?” you whisper back.
“Why are you doing this? Why are you being so nice to me?” Once again, your heart shatters into a million pieces for him. It physically hurts your chest to think that he would even question.
“Because you deserve it, Josh. You deserve to feel love and affection. And I am one thousand percent willing to give it to you, every single day if that’s what it takes, until you believe me that you are worthy of it.”
Things are quiet again for a few minutes as you continue to work his right foot. Suddenly, you hear him again, barely audible, “You’re too good to me,” he whispers, squeezing you a bit tighter and kissing the base of your neck.
You pat his thigh to signal that you’re done, and he moves his foot back down. You unhook his arms from your ribs and flip over, laying on him with your head on his shoulder, chest to chest, belly to belly, and legs intertwined.
“Is this okay?” you ask, slowly running your fingertips up and down his sides. You feel him shudder before he answers.
“Y-yes. This feels really good, actually. It’s very anchoring.”
“How do you feel?”
“I feel… light. Content. Grateful.” He moves his head to kiss your lips. It’s a long, lingering kiss and he moves to turn you both onto your sides, bodies still pressed as close as they can be. You both settle into your new position, you pulling the blanket up to cocoon you both. ‘I’m grateful that I have someone like you in my life who is willing to care for me the way you did.”
He leans forward and flicks your nose with his, smiling with his tongue slightly poking through his teeth, and theeeeere’s the Josh you know. He wraps his arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him still. He leans forward, placing a small kiss on your lips, rubbing his hand up and down your back.
The two of you continue to exchange small pecks and soft kisses until the sound of his quiet snores are all that can be heard throughout the room.