Chapter Text
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prologue.
-
It's a pain that's almost unbearable, the living with it. With the knowledge of what they've been through.
Of what they've endured .
In the beginning Erin had thought the knowing would have driven her mad if Jillian couldn't remember too, but after a month, she knows.
Because the memories of worlds are maddening in their complexity and intricacy, and that's not even touching on the way it had almost broken her heart beyond any sort of salvageable, reconstructable state.
But thank god, Jillian remembers .
Jillian remembers, and it's quite simply the single most important fact in Erin's life, or lives, because it is her tether.
It's her anchor.
And she knows she'd be clinging desperately at sanity without it.
But she does, she remembers, and it makes everything ok.
-
Erin remembers more vividly than Jillian does, simply, she thinks, because she was lucid for all of it.
Holtz remembers too but they're less diamond, more glass. Unless she was there for them, then she recalls them perfectly.
And Erin knows she tries, runs through them all in her head and her heart every moment she's not working or sleeping because she needs to make sure Erin doesn't feel alone and Erin loves her for it.
It's an interesting side effect of the trauma (this is what Erin calls it in her head although it's not strictly that because it was a privilege too, because they have seen things no one else living or dead will) but they're both left with an almost eidetic memory which gives them perfect clarity and recall of everything they have experienced.
She doesn't know if this is just another cosmic joke or if it's meant to be, that whatever power had driven their journey had needed them to remember.
Regardless of why though, they both have and Erin is eternally, infinitely grateful.
-
The days are surprisingly harder.
At night she can draw Jillian close to her body and weep for the things they have experienced. For the things they have done.
For the lives they have taken and the lives they have lost and the bone aching loneliness that sometimes spanned decades.
They can cry together and hold tighter and take the air out of the pain, lance the wound and sigh in relief until the sun comes up.
The days are harder because she tries to hold it together.
Because they had agreed not to reveal the deep truth to anyone. Patty and Abby know they have experienced something enormous but not the true depth or consequence, and Gorin knows more but not everything.
It's better this way, easier to hide even from the ones they love than to have them constantly worrying for their sanity.
Gorin does regardless though. She phones twice a week and speaks to them both individually and then together, and Erin knows she knows there's so much more they're not telling her but she never pushes, just tells them over and over that she's here and to use her if they ever need.
But the days are hard because they have to hold themselves together in the light, around the others.
And some days it's easier, some days it's not a struggle at all but some days it's hard .
Some days Erin will be in the middle of an article or equation, or pouring a cup of coffee and a memory from another will hit her full in the chest and make her stagger under the weight.
And it's not always sad memories, or hard ones, sometimes they're happy but they catch her off guard all the same, and she feels like a grain of sand in the ocean because she knows how vast the universe is now, and it is overwhelming.
-
Jillian is there though. Jillian is always there.
They barely leave each other's side now and at first Erin had been worried it would be too much, that one of them would tire of it, but they both revel in it instead.
Because their presence is a balm against the horror of what they have experienced, but it's something else as well.
It's love and softness but it's electric too, in only a way that a connection as deep as theirs could be.
Because there's a sadness to them both sometimes but there's heat also.
There's a heat that lights the dark corners and sears off screaming nerve endings and Erin loves it. Because they might have lived and died a thousand times but the feeling of Jillian's hand in hers still makes her heart jump.
And it's priceless really, because some days the only way to shut everything off is to touch and it works every single time because Jillian's body against hers has stopped time before, and it stops pain now too.
Sometimes it only needs to be quick, a hurried fumble across Erin's desk in the middle of the day but sometimes it needs to be more, and they see the sun up and down with their moans.
(And so what if they do this more often than not because it helps, because it's a tonic, a snap to reset their bones. And Erin wears the marks from these nights with a pride she never thought she would find in this world, because they show her strength)
She wishes the marks they bear in their chests would show on the outside sometimes, but mostly she is glad they are written in an ink that only they can see. And not only because it would litter them otherwise.
Because they have survived going over the edge of everything and if the pain is theirs to bear alone, then the unfiltered joy is too.
-
one.
country club au.
-
In one world Erin is married to a rich businessman and lives in a perfectly painted house with a perfectly manicured lawn, and she passes her days with the other society women at the local country club.
This life is hard because it's boring, and Erin yearns for the mental stretch she gets from closing her eyes and writing formula across the inside of her mind until she can't make out one word from another.
At least it's just them though, there are no children to complicate the mundane routine of her days, and for that Erin is thankful.
She is in this world for a month before she sees Jillian for the first time and when it finally happens Erin actually has to do a double take because she almost doesn't recognise her.
It's Erin's heart that sees first, not her eyes, thumping heavily in her chest as it reaches across the club room to the bar.
She's wearing a white polo tucked into khaki shorts and her hair is pulled back into a neat high ponytail and honestly, Erin almost laughs out loud because it's the most un-Holtzmann she has seen to date across any of these worlds.
Erin makes eye contact across the room, forgetting herself for a moment before one of the ladies elbows her in the side.
“Erin darling, what on earth are you staring at?” One of the women asks with a raised eyebrow, thumbing the pearls at her neck.
And actually she has to shake her head to snap herself out of it because she might not look like Holtzmann but god , can Erin see the appeal regardless.
Her attire makes her look a little younger and while it looks ridiculous on the other members of staff, it's remarkably becoming on Jillian.
The sleeves of the polo highlight her deep summer tan and show off the long lean muscles of her arms as she carries a tray over to the table a few over from the one Erin is sitting at, the shorts doing a similarly tempting thing to the knot of muscle in her calves.
“Who's the new girl?” Erin asks as she turns back to the women, picking the olive out of her glass, not taking her eyes off Jillian as she takes it in her mouth.
Holtz looks up at exactly the right moment, just as Erin rolls her tongue over the olive drawing it between her teeth delicately, and she's remarkably satisfied to watch a blush creep over Jillian's cheeks as she watches.
It's not a shy blush though, or a hesitant one. No, it's heavier than that, and for a moment Erin wonders if she remembers here.
“She's a student at MIT with the Harper’s son,” Someone says to her left, and she nods in acknowledgement. “PhD, I think. She's staying with them for the summer.”
“Are they dating?” Erin asks automatically, and she wants to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of Jillian Holtzmann dating a man but these universes have been wildly unpredictable thus far, and Erin knows she should be ready for any possibility.
“Nosy?” One of the other women asks but there's no malice in her voice, only a hint of teasing because this is what they do here, pass their days passing judgement on things that in no way concern them.
Erin scowls back, because here she is their unofficial leader, Queen of the Country Club with the wealthiest husband and the nicest house and the highest ranking career credentials before she married and was asked to give it all up.
(Thank god she wasn't actually conscious here for that because there's no way she would have given up her position as a solicitor at the local law firm without sinking her teeth in and drawing blood in defiance first.)
“No,” the other woman says with a smirk as she shakes her head. “I think she's actually a….”
The woman trails off, raising her shoulders and ducking her head as though she's about to reveal a piece of salacious gossip.
The other women at the table all lean in close in response, eager to hear whatever it is she's about to reveal.
“I heard,” the woman says whispering. “From Dorothy Black’s sister, that she's a lesbian .”
“Oh,” Erin says rolling her eyes as she leans back in her chair. “Is that all? God Gabby, I thought you were going to tell us something interesting.”
“What part of that isn't interesting?” One of the other women ask seriously. “I don't think I've ever met one before.”
“She's not a different species you know,” Erin says, laughing at the woman's stupidity. “And I can guarantee you have.”
“I've always wondered what it would be like to sleep with a woman,” one of them says, and Erin rolls her eyes as she tunes herself out of the conversation.
Before she does though she gives them a parting gossip snippet before she gets up to go and order herself another drink from the bar as an excuse to talk to Jillian.
“It's incredible,” Erin says casually as she stands up. “Life-changing, even. And soft. Long fingers instead of rough ones make such a difference, too.”
She doesn't need to turn around to know the whole table is staring at her, mouths agape, but she doesn't look back as the makes her way to the bar.
She's dressed a little more casually today, a white shirt with the collar turned up and a set of pearls across her collarbone with skin tight cropped jeans with heels, always heels here, and she feels the power associated with the status she has push her forward as her hands shake.
She's a few feet from the bar when Jillian looks up. The first is quick, in passing, only catching Erin ever so briefly but she obviously registers something she likes because her head flicks up again and her eyes settle on Erin as she walks the last few steps.
The first thing Erin notices is how the light frames Jillian's eyes and she prays that her life before now has been kind to her, and this is a result of that and not in spite of it.
She holds Erin's gaze, strong, which none of the other staff here ever have and Erin can't help but feel a little proud of her confidence.
Then there's a beat and Erin feels a cold shiver run down her back because maybe she does remember, but then Erin realises that no matter how strict the dress code, the Jillian Holtzmann she knows so well now would never wear that uniform without customising it in some way, shape or form.
She keeps Erin's eye regardless though, right up until Erin leans over the bench of the bar, her palms flat on the wood.
The massive diamond in her engagement ring throws the light into Jillian's blue, blue, blue eyes and Erin feels the other larger purer stone in her pocket throb with proximity to the blonde.
“Hi,” Erin says smiling a little wickedly. “You're new here?”
It's not really a question as much as it is a starting gun cracking at the beginning of a race, the noise echoing in Erin's chest.
“I am,” Holtz says smiling as she reaches down beneath the bar for a glass. “And you're Solicitor Gilbert, right?”
“I am,” Erin says surprised, a little taken aback. “How did you….”
“You're a bit of a legend around here, you know?” Holtz says quietly, leaning in closer to Erin. “Besides, maybe I make it my business to know who the most beautiful women in a room are.”
There it is, Erin thinks with a blush. That trademark Jillian Holtzmann flirting that seems to permeate almost every world, regardless of whether Jillian is lucid or not.
Erin doesn't deny the compliment because here she has a confidence unique to almost every other world but she does blush a little, the pink staining her cheeks as Holtz smirks and makes her a drink.
“I'd ask you how you know what I drink but I feel like your answer is going to be the same,” Erin says with a wry smile and this time it's Jillian's turn to blush, and Erin doesn't think she's ever seen anything as beautiful here in this world.
She accepts the glass of gin and tonic, careful to brush her fingers across Jillian's as she takes it from her.
“They teach you this at MIT as well?” Erin asks with a casual lilt as she pops a bit of ice into her mouth.
“Nope,” Holtz says her eyes follow Erin's lips instead. “That's all me.”
“Well, maybe you'll have to come round one afternoon when you finish up here,” Erin says with a boldness that surprises her. “There's an enormous amount of top shelf liquor in my cabinet at home just begging to be played with like this.”
It's dangerous, she knows it is, but she's so fucking bored here and the relief at having found Jillian overrides any consequences that might follow.
That catches Jillian off guard though, and Erin has to bite her lip to stop doing anything more forward when Jillian's blush deepens.
“Give me a time and a place and I'll be there,” Holtz says as she slides a bit of paper with her number on it across to Erin who picks it up before brushing her lips with it softly.
If it were anyone else in the world Erin would worry about the ease with which Jillian accepts her offer without knowing anything about Erin's circumstances, beyond that she knows Erin's clearly married, but she doesn't because she doesn’t have to. Because there's a trust that underpins the current they travel along that is iron-clad, and neither one of them can explain, even at the very end.
It's the trust that tells Erin this is the first (and last) time Jillian will offer to accompany anyone home, and she only does it because she knows something feels different about this.
Stronger.
Flawless .
“Tomorrow too soon?” Erin asks with a casual shrug as she bites down on the ice cube.
“Not soon enough,” Holtz says as she watches Erin's lips, never moving her eyes from them.
“I'll be home all day,” Erin says as she melts the last shard on her tongue. “I'll send you the address soon, but feel free to drop round whenever you want. I'm alone all week.”
“Well we can hardly have that can we,” Holtz says as she slides a fresh drink over to Erin for her to take back to the table.
“No,” Erin says with a mock-dramatic sigh. “It’d be such a shame, don't you think?”
“Terrible,” Holtz says with a smile before Erin sees another thought slide in behind her eyes. “I'm free tonight too, you know?”
“Is that so?” Erin asks interestedly. “Well, in that case it'd be criminal not to have you for dinner.”
The double entendre is almost too easy but Erin gives in anyway, and Jillian smiles in return.
“Around seven?” Holtz asks casually, obviously careful not to sound too eager.
“Perfect,” Erin purrs softly.
“Would you like me to bring anything?” Holtz asks and Erin shakes her head.
“No need. Just you.”
“It's a date,” Erin says, grinning widely for the first time in what feels like years.
She gives Holtz one last heavy look before she scoops the drink up in her hand and starts back towards the table, the women all staring at her agape.
“Well?” One of the women ask as she sits back down, taking a sip of her drink.
“Well, what?” Erin asks with a raised eyebrow.
“What's she like,” one of the others pipes in.
“Lovely,” Erin says with a shrug, not giving anything away, to the enormous annoyance of the women around her. “Makes a hell of a gin and tonic.”
-
Erin can't help but laugh as she pours herself a drink while she waits for Jillian to arrive because the situation has all the trimmings of a terrible porn movie, only this time the true love plot point is actually true.
She arrives at seven on the dot, a box full of dessert carefully balanced on her upturned palm as she sweeps her hair over to one side when Erin opens the door.
She smiles bright but small when Erin ushers her in, not able to help looking the younger woman up and down.
“I wasn't sure if you'd come,” Erin says honestly as the walks Jillian in through the foyer.
“Why on earth would I not?” Holtz says looking a little surprised as Erin offers her a drink.
She seems unfazed by the grandness of the house around her, perfectly comfortable in Erin's presence as she takes a seat at the breakfast bar, watching Erin move around the kitchen.
“I don't know,” Erin says shrugging. “A stranger invites you around for the evening, you might just have been humouring me when you said yes earlier?”
“Not a stranger,” Holtz reasons. “You're a very important and influential country club member. Besides, I don't know why but I trust you?”
“I'm glad,” Erin says, her face softening kindly. “I've been told I'm a very trustworthy person.”
(By you, Erin doesn't say. You've trusted me with your life in fact. More than once. It's what you're doing right now, even)
“Also,” Holtz says, her forehead crinkling in a frown as her eyes light up beautifully and Erin finds herself shifting towards it, pulling like a magnet as she hangs on Jillian's next words. “The evening? I thought this was dinner?”
The question is light enough, testing, said in such a way that Erin can brush this off if she's changed her mind or Jillian has the wrong end of the stick.
She's not going to though. Not tonight.
Not ever.
“What do you want it to be?” Erin asks, dropping whatever's in her hand to focus on Jillian and Jillian alone.
She doesn't look spooked, or put off. A little nervous maybe but she holds Erin's gaze with an impressive ease because it's heavy, weighing Erin down, pinning her by the wrists and neck to the shackles around both their chests.
“What do you want it to be?” Jillian asks, coy.
“Do you need me to spell it it for you?” Erin asks as she keeps moving, around the bench to stand an arm's length away from the blonde.
“Yeah,” Holtz says as she leans into the distance between them, narrowing it further. “I think I do.”
She's smirking so loud it's almost audible and Erin just about rolls her eyes because god, this is her Jillian. The one she left in their own world in all but memory, and it makes her want to sob.
She doesn't speak, not trusting her voice not to break with a crack that matches the one across her heart, so Erin moves instead.
She closes the few steps, one hand sliding against Jillian's jaw as the other pulls her close by the collar of her shirt as she brings their lips together and sighs.
The echo makes an almost audible thump in the air around them, rippling through Erin’s chest and into her heart as Jillian's lips part immediately for her.
The kiss is hot and deep, almost practised in its flawlessness, and Erin knows that this is their muscle memory carried on the veins of their connection as it flows between worlds.
They part with a gasp long minutes later, Erin's hand in Jillian's hair and Jillian's hand up her top.
Jillian looks to her for some kind of signal to carry on and Erin gives it, moving back in for more and Jillian moves too, picking Erin up with hands on the underside of her thighs, dropping her on the kitchen bench so she can move between them.
“Jesus,” Erin gasps as Jillian's hands settle on her ass and pull them closer, and she just bites her tongue in time to stop I've missed you leaking out with the rest of her self control.
“Is this….” Holtz asks, her chest heaving and her hands on Erin's hips.
“Yes,” Erin moans, pulling them together again, just catching the grin that settles across Jillian's lips before she kisses it clean off.
“I don't normally make a habit of this, you know,” Holtz says as she pops the top button of Erin's shirt open with her teeth. “I've never….”
“I know,” Erin says as she rolls their hips together. “It's ok, I know.”
“Good,” Holtz says nodding, her worry smoothed over as her hands slide over Erin's thighs.
“Upstairs?” Erin asks breathlessly.
“Yes,” Holtz moans before she catches herself. “Wait, what about dinner? I mean, you made all this effort….”
“Later,” Erin says shaking her head. “I don't care.”
“Good,” Holtz says with a gasp as she pulls Erin off the bench, wrapping Erin's legs around her waist as she carries Erin into the next room. “Where?”
“Up,” Erin says quickly as she winds her arms around the blonde's neck. “And to the left.”
It's not her room, it's the grander guest suite instead because she won't taint this thing with Jillian with memories of someone else's ghost in the sheets.
They walk into the room and Jillian heads towards the bed, not bothering to set Erin on her feet, lowering her onto the mattress instead before crawling between her thighs.
Jillian kisses her deep before leaning back to rest on her heels between Erin's legs, her hand on Erin's hip, anchoring them.
She doesn't say anything for a moment and she's still, like she's battling something in her head, and Erin pushes up on her elbows in response.
“Is everything ok?” She asks gently. “Do you want to stop?”
That snatches Jillian's attention, and her eyes settle back into this plane.
“God no,” Holtz says, shaking her head. “No, I'm sorry. I just had, I don't know….déjà vu maybe? Or like my brain was trying to show me a memory but it couldn't quite get there? That sounds crazy, I'm sorry.”
It's not crazy though, not at all. Because Erin's seen this happen a few times now, when the veil between the worlds they travel through falters and some of the memories start to ebb through.
“Not crazy,” Erin says shaking her head. “But we can stop, anytime.”
“Not on my account,” Holtz says as she leans in to kiss Erin again. “God, you're so beautiful. You know that right?”
Part of Erin does want to stop it then, not because she doesn't want this because god she does, but because she misses the soft intimacy they sometimes get to share in the worlds where they wake up together, or the ones where they meet and spend lazy days in bed.
It's hard when they go a long time without Jillian's lucidity because she's here, yes, but she's not too, and it makes Erin feel so alone.
But if this is all they get here, quick stolen moments around the ache in Erin's heart then she'll take them, gladly. Because some of Jillian Holtzmann is better than nothing at all.
“Hey,” Holtz says quietly. “Do you want to stop?”
“No,” Erin says shaking her head now. “Sorry. I just….I think I had it too.”
Normally she's so good at pretending but sometimes it's too damn hard, and the fatigue must tell in the curve of her hip because when Jillian kisses her again it's hard and deep but soft too, and it takes Erin by surprise. Almost like the part of her Jillian had read Erin’s faltering and surged to meet her, searing the gap over an open wound.
“You still want this?” Jillian asks again, her hands on the bottom of Erin's shirt, waiting.
“Yes,” Erin says heavily, rolling up into the blonde's body as she smiles and a bit of the loneliness dissolves in her blood. “Yes, I want this.”
“Have you done this before?” Holtz asks curiously as she pops each button of Erin's shirt open slowly, biting her lip harder with every inch of Erin's skin she reveals.
“In a manner,” Erin says after a pause, smiling when Holtz looks to her confused. “Have you?”
“Yes,” Holtz says evenly. “Is that….”
“It's more than ok,” Erin says preempting her question as she smiles against Jillian's lips. “Maybe you can show me a trick or two.”
Jillian smiles then too, because the last of Erin's buttons pop open and the tanned skin of Erin's stomach spreads out for Jillian, and Erin swears she hears her growl.
“I don't know how I'm going to keep my hands off you after this,” Jillian breathes against Erin’s skin as her hands settle on the top of Erin's jeans.
“Who said you have to?” Erin says with a smirk as her hands tug at Holtz's shirt. “I'm yours. If you want me, that is.”
“What about your….” Holtz says a little uncertain.
Husband? Marriage? Status?
“I don't care,” Erin says as she pushes Jillian's shirt off her shoulders, throwing it somewhere behind her. “I don't want it. I don't want any of it. I just want you.”
Normally an admission like that would hit a few alarm bells but for whatever reason the universe ripples around them, settling Jillian's question like a spell, like the other iterations of herself are standing there like ghosts telling her it's ok, and she smiles wide above Erin instead.
She softens and Erin feels her heart melt in her chest at the sight before a hungry shadow drops over her eyes.
“You can have me too,” Jillian says meeting Erin's eyes. “I mean I'm yours, too.”
“I know,” Erin says smirking dangerously as she wraps her legs firmer around Holtz's waist and rolls them, settling on top of the blonde's hips.
“So have me,” Jillian says below her, open and wanting and waiting.
So Erin does.
-
Jillian doesn't let her top for long, she never does, her own ingrained dominance winding through her veins and down into Erin's skin.
And while it's fun sometimes to play a different role, she loves it like this more, when she can lie back and let Jillian take, take, take until they run out of breath.
Jillian moves over her body and she feels the echoes of their other selves in the room, almost a tangible presence.
They fall asleep sometime in the early morning, Erin first, dropping off with the glow of Jillian's hair in the moonlight in her mind.
She wakes in the early morning, the blonde fast asleep next to her, her lips and breath soft against Erin's neck and the diamond on bedside table almost glowing in the dark. It’s still early though, hours before the dawn, so Erin closes here eyes one last time here.
When she wakes again, they move.
-