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I’m standing now here, alone in the endless darkness, it is enfolding me like once your arms. Memories are slowly fading from me, I try to grasp them, hoping that it is not to late for me. My feelings feel hollow; sorrow, friendship, happiness, betrayal, jealousy, hatred, love all these feelings have I already lost they are hollow like the mist at dawn over the Forbidden Forest before it fades through the sunlight. All my life was filled with pain, I was cursed since my birth to suffer because what I was, a Half-Blood…
Red hair glides away in front of my empty eyes, Her memory enters my mind like a faded picture, I see her smiling face. I hoped that She was the one who could save me and let the darkness fade away. My guardinan angel... I loved Her with all my heart and tried protecting her like she did me, but Faith is cruel and took Her away from me, tearing us apart and then…You betrayed me, but I couldn’t stop loving you…
…I tried to make my mistake right, even if it killed me on the inside seeing You and the one I have despised in Him every time…
I’m walking now to the place which I know, that from this day on I will always despise and wish to destroy, to whip away like a bad memory. I have since long hours given up on the false hope, while seeing so much blood being shed on the grounds, - which I think we all held so dear deep down in our hearts -, that I’m not just dreaming a terrible nightmare from which I will wake up soon, knowing that I can always turn to you to comfort me. No…that can never happen again…
As I stand here in the cold darkness a voice enters my ears. I turn around, but there is no one there, only my fading memories are playing with me. Soft blonde hair like pale gold, gray-blue eyes like the stormy sky appear in front of me. I hold my shaking hand out, my body feels since a long while heavy and tired…You were always there for me, even if you didn’t even know me back then, but you have still taken me under your wings for which I will be always grateful to You.
As we are nearing the despised place my mind gets flooded with memories about the past, making my stomach launch and tighten as the pain in my chest grows stronger. My arm from where I removed that cursed mark, the mark of my own mistake, because of which I have lost You, my dear friend, my brother…my lover.
I remember the day I first spotted you among the first years, you were chatting and explaining things to Her. Back then I didn’t pay to much attention to her nor did I care who she was, all my attention belonged to you, there was something in your eyes which interested me. Oh, would I have known back then who She was and what our future would bring us I would have despised Her even more then I do now and I would have stopped myself for making the mistake which would take you away from me for forever. I remember the strange feeling of happiness spreading through my body when the Hat called out “Slytherin!”, I remember making place for you and greeting you in our House, your eyes holding a bittersweet happiness in them because She was not by you.
I remember the day You approached me and held Your hand out for me to take, offering Your friendship to me and later something much more. I accepted after hesitating, feeling the shocked gazes of the others on us, but You only smiled down at me. From that day on You were always there for me, protecting and helping me even if my soul and heart still ached from the sorrow from being separated from Her, though the pain eased when I was with You. You always told me that we were best friends, that I was the only friend You ever had in Your life and that you would put that life into my hands, then You knew that we could trust each other. I trusted You and You have never failed me…we were brothers, but then something more. I remember the day You asked me about Her and I told You. I remember Your face didn’t shoW any emotions, it remained the beautiful mask You only took down in front of me, but Your eyes, they showed so much pain and anger, pain because of me and anger towards Her.
I remember my hatred towards Her for hurting You so much, She never deserved You! I remember that day when I found You standing in a hallway, watching Her departing form, anger and jealousy flooded me, but seeing Your sad face cast to the ground it all faded way. I walked up to You and tilted Your head up to look me in the eyes, stroking over Your pale check, I smiled softly at Your confused gaze. “Don’t worry, I will be always there for you…” I hear my words from back then ringing in my ears, the words which I have told you before I locked our lips in a kiss. Your lips were soft and felt so perfect against mine. You trembled a bit, but then I felt You respond as You stepped closer to me and wrapped Your trembling arms around my neck as if fearing that I would suddenly disappear or push You away from me.
The day on which You had kissed me was the day on which I knew that we were only for the world around us brothers, but for each other we were something more…we were lovers from that day on. From that day on You would always try to find scheduled spots for us to be alone or steal a kiss or two when no one was looking, to touch my hand gently, letting me know that You cared whatever may happen to us.
I knew back then that it was not Your first kiss, but I held my anger down towards Her so that I still could savor the moment in knowledge that You now belonged to me. You always were mine, since the first day I have spotted You among the younger ones, we were always together since the day You accepted my offered hand. You were the only one in whose presence I could let my perfect mask fall to be my true self, to show that I was human…
…You would always be there to take me wordlessly in Your arms to comfort me…
I think now looking back at the faded memory in my head that You knew that the kiss You stealth from me wasn’t my first to give, but on one cold winter night when only we stayed in the castle, me because there was no one home to whom I could have gone home to, then my father wasn’t family, and You because I staid. On that night You have taken something from me which was my first and as You told me I have taken also Yours on that night. I remember the pain when we become one, You smiled down at me warmly, kissing away my tears and whispering soft words into my ear which let the pain fade and be replaced by soft warmth. You held me on that night as we watched the snow falling from under the only enchanted window of our common room, which showed us the world above the lake, by the warmth of the orange flames of the fireplace, the snow falling softly to the ground.
I swore on that night to always belong to You even after I needed to get married to Narcissa…sometimes I had that feeling that she knew my true feelings and didn’t even try to fight them. I’m grateful for her love and understanding; she was the one suggesting You to be our son’s guardian, she was the one calling you to us so that we three were through her pregnancy together. Narcissa dearest you are truly an angel…
…but now my chest hurts again as I remember the trust and loyalty from the both of you, as you followed me into the darkness which made me loose one of the both of you. It is true that I have never truly loved my wife and she knows that she can never have my love, but then she offered me her friendship which I knew that I could give to her and love to our child.
♈ ♉ ♊ ♋ ♌ ♍ ♎ ♏ ♐ ♑ ♒ ♓
Stepping into the room where You lay, with trembling body I can feel my heart break into thousand shards as I see Your body laying there in Your own blood. My knees can’t support me as my body gives in and I fall, a wave of nausea washing over me as I need to empty my already empty stomach on the ground, the world is spinning around me, the noises sounding distant. I don’t even remember when I started throwing up blood while gripping the dusty ground with my trembling hands. After it stopped I whipped my mouth and walked with trembling feet over to You. I know that He was watching me with a mix of worry, sadness and pity. The one You hated and protected at the same time.
Kneeling beside Your body I carefully place Your head in my lap, a trembling hand stroking Your ice cold checks as if expecting that you would grab it and tell me that I should let You sleep a few more minutes longer. My eyes travel down to the wound on Your neck, the blood had dried since a long while. With a shaking hand I take Your wand which lays beside Your still body and conjunct a bowl of water. I can’t see You like that, so I try to clean away the dirt and blood, feeling those green eyes on me as I do so…Her eyes... If She would still live or if I would have the chance seeing Her again I would scream at Her just like now inside my numb mind, that She should see what She has done to You!
Are You happy what You have done to Him? Are You happy now…
…Lily, for you have taken Severus away from me…
Suddenly the darkness starts to dim around me as I see a faint light glowing in front of me. It is now time for me to go, I can feel it, they are calling for me on the other side. I turn around one last time…
“Lucius, please take care about them in my place…I love you my friend, my brother, my lover…” I hear myself say before continuing my way into the warm light, finaly feeling at peace.
I cradle Your limp body up in my arms, my arm which once held my Dark Mark if sending waves of burning pain through my veins, but I ignore it, my eyes only see You as I start walking out of the Shrieking Sack with You in my arms. I remember that You always started protesting when I did this, a blush gracing Your soft pale checks. My gray-blue eyes from which You said always reminded You on the cloudy sky before the rain falls are now looking again down at Your still face, as if expecting to see You look up at me before starting to protest that I should put You down, but no sound leaves Your now cold lips anymore, no blush graces the pale checks. You are gone through my own foolishness.
As we reach the castle again I can see everyone casting their eyes down as we pass them, I can hear Narcissa crying in sorrow and hear Draco’s hysteric protests in the Weasley boy’s arms, who is struggling to hold him still, screaming that it was all only a bad joke, a nightmare, that You are not gone…
…oh how I whish for the same, but reality was always cruel to us…
♈ ♉ ♊ ♋ ♌ ♍ ♎ ♏ ♐ ♑ ♒ ♓
Then here is suddenly a voice in my head, a voice which I haven’t heard since a long while…the harsh voice of my father. “Stop crying you brat, a true Malfoy doesn’t cry, ever!” !” I hear him scream at me, but I won’t listen to my father anymore. “Leave me alone you old bastard, what do you know how I’m feeling now, what do you even know about love and the pain you feel when you loose the one you love!?” I screamed back at him in my head and the voice fades away, leaving me in the silence, alone. I look at Your grave again and wish that You would be here to take me again in Your arms like on so many nights, to wip away my tears gently and let me listen to your soft heart beat, but alas that is not meant to happen again till the day I can follow you to the place where I know that you are waiting for me.
Standing up I turn around and see my family standing there, their eyes red from crying, Narcissa tries to give me a reassuring smile, but the pain of the loss of a good friend, one of her sisters and the loss of her niece are still filling her soul with painful grief. As I look into my son’s eyes I spot beside the pain also something else… understanding…
…he knows now our shared secret. I watch him walk up to me, I feel his pale hands, so similar to mine, grab the front of my robes as he buries his head into my chest, crying painfully. I wrap my arms around him and hug him close as my own tears start falling again.
Farewell Severus, please take care till the day we see each other again on the other side, please wait for me my friend, my brother…my lover…
Owari