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The thing is, he didn’t know that it was happening.
When Julia died it was like he shut down, body moving more out of obligation to people that needed help than anything self motivated. The world was greyer, sounds softened and less lively, everything was dull. And he tried his best to help, he did help, but it was like being out in the cold for too long. The point when things stop hurting and just go numb. You’re not supposed to reach that point, that’s a sign of danger, of things being bad, really bad. But it was so much easier than hurting that he couldn’t bring himself to stop. Magnus was left with blank patches of memory and this nothingness that ate away at him until he was hollowed out.
And then there was Merle. And Taako.
He always used to feel too much too fast before he lost her, before he lost everything, but at some point he realized it was happening again and maybe he cared about them more than they cared about him. It made it easier to keep his distance, literal and figurative, as much as he could, and that probably suited them better than it suited him. Taako didn’t seem like one for touch, except when he was. If there was a pattern to it, it was too big for him to see.
He didn’t know that it was happening, he didn’t know that they had warmed him up, that it was like heavy sheets of ice had fallen off of his body until Taako put a hand on his shoulder and ran that hand down his arm and he felt .
( warmth running through him and his head jerks back and he sucks in air through his teeth, there are stories of people using magic to bring life to wood and clay and stone and for an instant he wonders if that’s what the earth feels like when it is made into something more, and then it’s gone. but he doesn’t forget. )
That moment was a shock, that moment was lightning and fire and warm tea and a soft bed all at once, and he couldn’t quite manage to stop himself from wanting more of it. From wanting small, friendly comfort. And somehow in the time between congratulatory claps on the back and an arm draped around him as Taako leaned in close to be heard over the noise of a bar, Magnus found himself changing. He went from knowing Taako was beautiful to finding him attractive. Wanting to protect him because that’s what he did to wanting to protect him because Taako is someone important, someone dear to him.
And he thinks that maybe Taako was changing too. They were both traveling down their own paths so they could meet somewhere new, together.
Tonight they are at a tavern with a band, and he’s had one ale too many. So when Taako says, “C’mon my guy, no point being here if we aren’t going to take advantage of the music. When are we going to be able to dance on the moon?” he thinks yes and please . But of course that’s not what he actually says.
“There’s always Johann.”
“Listen, you don’t dance to a funeral dirge or any of that other depressing shit that guy plays most of the time. I mean, it’s good, but I don’t even know how I’m supposed to react to all that high brow stuff.”
“When do you even clap?”
“Exactly!” Taako says, and he’s smiling with teeth. Not trying to fake it, not trying to hide. “So let’s dance.” And Taako takes him by the hand.
He’s never been very good at dancing but Taako makes it so he doesn’t have to do much work. He’s airy and showy in a way that makes Magnus think about all the things he doesn’t know about Taako and all the things he wants to learn. He spins Taako out and finds himself laughing and Taako’s hand in his feels so nice, makes a thrill run through him. Like the echo of something he has felt before but different and new all at once. And then the band changes to something slow.
And then Taako is wrapping his arms around him.
Their bodies are pressed together so close, and he’s leaning down so he can rest his cheek against the top of Taako’s head, press his face into messy dark curls. He smells like honey and oranges and something inside Magnus hurts, like he’s all raw nerves and freshly healed skin. He knows how to deal with strikes from swords and axes. He knows how to deal with spells. With pain. But he doesn’t know what to do with all this tenderness he never thought he’d get to feel again. He can feel Taako’s breath against his chest and it makes him shiver as they sway together.
Taako looks up at him, says, “Wanna go find some place a little more private? ...You can say-”
“ Yes ,” he says. “Yes.” And Taako laughs a little. Pleased, and maybe just a bit flustered.
Maybe somewhere more private had meant something else, probably the inn they’re staying at, but it ends up being an alley not far from the tavern. As Taako pulls him into it, he can still hear the faint whispers of music being played.
“Is this okay? I didn’t want the mood to get killed on the walk back, romantic strolls aren’t exactly my forte. But I guess if you’re not up for it we could do the whole walk alongside the river bit and I can pretend I actually care-”
“This is fine, this is great, I just-” He doesn’t want Taako to stop touching him. “Can I kiss you?”
Taako pulls him down closer and says, “Well go ahead,” so close to his mouth he can practically feel it. So he does.
Taako’s mouth is sticky with gloss, and he doesn’t dislike the way he thought he might. It makes their lips stick together, connects them just a little bit more. And he wants every inch of that connection. On some level he knows that the bricks of the building behind him are rough and pressing into his back, but how could that possibly matter when Taako has a hand in one of his sideburns? When Taako’s back is arched so he can press himself against Magnus as much as he can? Taako kisses him and he feels like a snake shedding its skin, shedding off so much numbness so he can feel and feel and feel. Taako kisses him and he fills up his heart with it, unbelieving that he needed this so much. He can’t collect himself to do much more than kiss Taako back, following his lead, and press him closer.
Magnus can’t stop his hips from rocking forward when Taako sucks on his bottom lip, but if he cares that Magnus is hard he doesn’t say. Instead he grinds against Magnus’ leg, just a little, and it feels more like he’s teasing than trying to get off and it’s so much. He has a hand in Taako’s hair, ruining his braid probably, and one on the small of Taako’s back, and Taako drags his tongue over the roof of Magnus’ mouth and it’s so much, just enough, makes him groan against Taako’s lips and oh fuck, oh fuck-
Oh.
Fuck.
He hides his face in Taako’s hair, because even with the embarrassment of being worse than a teenager he still can’t bring himself to pull away. Taako laughs, but it isn’t cruel. He knows what a mocking laugh sounds like coming from Taako. Instead, it’s just giddy.
“You really like that don’t you?” It sounds fond and indulgent and it softens the sting of shame just a little, even if his face is still hot.
“Would you believe me if I said that has never happened before?”
“Maybe, but it doesn’t matter. I wasn’t planning on getting off tonight.”
“You don’t have to... I still can... I mean there’s more ways we can do this, I’ll do whatever you want. I mean, not whatever whatever, but-”
“No, I am all set you big bear. Taako is good.” He moves back so he can look Magnus in the eyes. “Great, actually.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
And he knows that with all these feelings it means that someday he’ll get hurt, someday soon, probably. He and Taako will fight or Taako will need his space or their pasts will get in the way of moving forward. Or a day might come when he can’t protect Taako, and that’ll hurt more than anything. But he can’t give up. He has to move ahead. He has to take those risks. It’s what she would want for him.
It’s what he wants for himself, too.
“Wanna start that walk of shame, buddy? You’re probably feeling really… swampy.”
“Gross! Can’t you, you know, use magic to clean me up?”
“I don’t have spell shaping, you do not want my magic anywhere near your junk.”
“That… that’s very true.”
“I got an idea though,” Taako says, grinning. “If it looks like we’re about to come across anyone we’ll just pull the old makeout until they keep walking by trick. Sound good?”
“Sounds like a plan.”
So they start their walk back, holding hands. And Magnus is flustered and his face is hot and maybe his palms are even sweating a little, but it has been a long time since he has been so happy, since he felt this much at all. Right now his heart is full.