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Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light. Helen Keller
January 2018
She owed Sydney a great deal.
Maggie could honestly say she had never felt more content since making the decision to follow Syd to London. After so many false starts they were finally together and were planning a future that was intertwined with both the mundane and the profound.
They had spent last Sunday finding that perfect, disproportionately large bed. Syd had graciously indulged her every whim when it came to selecting the mattress and exactly what kind of goose feather they would use.
Sydney had also spent last Sunday crying over the rituals she had missed with her pregnant sister and her monitoring of chemo from afar.
Cursed indeed both as a doctor and daughter.
Syd's Jewish faith was a fundamental part of her being.
If Maggie was going to be in this relationship long term, and she was attached to the idea of red haired babies, then she needed to undertake an immersive study.
Sydney was still too uncertain to seriously find a place of worship, not wanting to risk rejection and steadfastly unwilling to hide her relationship but she had reconnected with a distant cousin who invited her to observe the Sabbath each week.
Google had become Maggie closest ally, and she had done extensive research on LGBT-friendly Jewish spaces and had eventually found a small network of reformed community leaders and individuals hosting courses.
She also found her first friend in London.
February 2018
Maggie was brilliant at studying.
Any successful medical student who claimed not to study or own at least one copy of Greys Anatomy for weekend reading was either lying or a savant of nature.
Even if by Dr. Katz's high mentoring standards she was an impetuous rule breaker.
Maggie was very much average in the ranks of young Canadian doctors; the raw talent was no substitute for committed learning.
Especially if you had an uneasy medical legacy hanging over your head and the expectations of two cultures, which were both invested in the more conventional twin.
So it was not difficult to add several hours a week to spend in Abraham's bookstore: slowly working through the list he had happily prepared for her. This further study was a commitment on top of her interim recertification year, but it was worth every second.
Swallowing her academic pride she had begun with introductory text having no shame in raiding the children's section on occasion.
Abraham had not batted an eye when Maggie mentioned her circumstances. The older man's primary concern was assessing her level of commitment and aptitude for continued study.
Maggie had immediately signed up for his introductory course and purchased a reading list, already plotting to hide them in her locker at work.
She also made her first genuine friend in London.
March 2018
Sydney Katz was often insecure.
Sydney Katz was often afraid.
At Hope Zion, Maggie had often witnessed and been subject to Syd's firm resolve and focus. Even with their rocky start, she had still defended her then mentor from the worst of the insults.
Even to the expense of her own (more dubious) reputation of being one of the 'cool' doctors, who did not to mark up every infraction.
Three years ago she had a front row seat to the vulnerability that the prodigious talent and sharp wit concealed.
Present Day Syd was almost unrecognizable. In all her ways, her confidence and openness and her willingness to debate a topic genuinely without becoming dogmatic, but traces of the same ghosts remained.
The ghosts appear most frequently when they disagree, be it personally or professionally. To Maggie, Sydney often resembles a cat when they fight - torn between scrapping for territory and finding the nearest tree to lick her wounds and stew.
Maggie was not sure which version of her girlfriend she was facing now, but she was reasonably confident that the salad greens she was chopping were bearing the brunt of her rage.
"Syd, you are blowing this completely out of proportion. Declan was just joking around -in a misguided attempt at showing support and acceptance. Of the Lin Twin's I got the majority of the emotional intelligence. He got the better hair, far superior sense of rhythm and savant-like knowledge of the NHL" her attempt at humour fell well short as Syd tensed further, refusing to turn around.
"You could have gone you know; I wouldn't have stopped you. In fact, I am sure you can still catch up, it didn't sound like the party was going to end anytime soon." the tone was brittle and icy with neutrality.
Dr. Katz's false choices in action then.
That sound had made many first year residents cry and reevaluate all their life choices.
It just made Maggie want to kiss her.
"Believe it or not Dr, Katz following my brother and his college friends around London's strip joints is not high on my list of priorities," Maggie said with an exasperated sigh.
"You should spend time with your family, and he did specifically invite you after all." In an unfortunate series of texts that Sydney had happened to see when using Maggie's phone to Skype Becca and her brother in law who had treatment questions late in the evening.
"I am a grown up Syd, so is he theoretically. He is here for the next month scouting work opportunities. We will have plenty of time to catch up without the need for lack of clothes and loud music."
Sydney made to speak, but Maggie deliberately continued coming to stand beside the redhead and stilling her insistent chopping before they couldn't recover their security deposit.
"I know you do not have very high opinions of secular morals, but most of us over 30, take declarations of love and moving across the Atlantic seriously." there was suppressed anger in her tone now.
"I didn't mean it like that.." the tone was equal parts regret and weariness.
Maggie reached out to take Syd's hand and pulled her through the kitchen to the couch that was a freebie after they spent far too much on their new bed.
"I know you didn't, love," Maggie crooned removing Syd's glasses and regarding her seriously.
"What you meant is that you were fishing for more evidence for the mysterious box in your head. The box labeled "Maggie is going to leave me because...." You will probably have them all labeled out, spending too much time at Temple, Doesn't know enough references, using Hebrew when arguing and so on."
Syd flinched guiltily and sagged into Maggie's proffered arms as they tangled into an intimate embrace on their carefully selected couch.
They were silent for several beats as Maggie ran long fingers through her hair in a familiar ritual of comfort.
"In my head, there are about a thousand reformed girls just waiting to be your soul mate" Maggie confessed quietly "I mean you are a devout Jewish doctor. Both daughters and their mothers are no doubt swooning at Temple."
Syd blinked at her brow creasing in genuine confusion.
"Sometimes during a long shift or a bad day studying, I imagine a perfect life for you and Eliana, she is an environmental lawyer by the way and wants to have four kids and devote her free time to preserving rare bat species in Israel."
Sydney snorted in disbelief as she turned to regard the other woman critically.
"You have named my nonexistent reformist Soulmate and given her a complete vocation and service plan?"
"Only sometimes" Maggie admitted sheepishly.
"That would never happen, love. There were plenty of reformist girls in both Canada and Israel, and I am still here. Besides, there aren't any rare bat species in Israel" Sydney said with conviction and amusement.
"Good to know."
"As am I. You have the most profound faith I have ever known, but I guess we are both a little gun shy."
Sydney nodded in agreement.
"You were and are my greatest leap of faith, but I should not forget that I am yours as well, forgive me?"
"Always."
April 2018
"So when are we going to meet your Dr. Katz, mmm?
Maggie looked up at the Reform guidelines she was highlighting. Abraham was coming out of the back room holding two coffees and a selection of pastries.
"Syd's former fiancé was a scholar of the Talmud. I need to at least not make a complete fool out of myself” Maggie replied breaking off a piece of dough.
Abraham laughed softly "It is not a competition, you know. I am not teaching you nor will Sydney expect you to have the knowledge of a person born to the faith. She will honour your efforts" he said confidently.
"Sydney's life was governed by three things. Her Faith, her belief in medicine, and her family. I can't do anything about the Ayin Hara and what her family wants to do, but I can at least be a good partner to a Jewish Woman" Maggie confided softly.
Abraham hummed in sympathy "That is an enormous burden for any person of faith to carry. She will need to find her peace with this new reality both alone and with you. You are doing an admirable thing here in trying to ease the way."
"Be patient too, her sense of loss is profound. What she has found in the new path may bring great joy, but it can not replace the lost roots. You have her love, but you may also have to bare her fear, uncertainty, and pain simply by your proximity."
"She deserves nothing less, and I have plenty of experience with her 'Israeli disposition' it hasn't scared me away yet, even though she did her best to push me away."
Maggie reflected on the truth of those words as she helped to close the bookstore before heading home.
She had met the challenge of going with the flow and building a hard-earned peace with Sydney Katz; who now featured heavily in her Instagram feed.
Maybe she owed the Great Rando a few coffee cappuccinos after all. His smugness would almost be worth it.
May 2018
Tonight was a pretty huge deal.
For the first time in their relationship, Maggie was attending an event solely as Syd's partner. They had attended events together before, but it had always involved colleagues from the hospital or Maggie's classes.
Now Maggie was being invited to meet Sydney's extended London family. They were distant cousins on the maternal side. Still observant but far less strict than their Canada relatives. They had heard through the grapevine about Syd's new position and had extended an invitation to meet up.
They had been quick to reassure them both that they did not and never would shun Syd and had immediately offered to meet Maggie too.
Syd felt sorry for all the rumors that she had believed about the cousins who could not be mentioned in polite society and never attended events.
"Do I look ok?"
"For the 10th time Maggie you look lovely. They aren't going to be judging you on your fashion choices nor will they be judging you at all. They have been inundating me with LGBT-friendly textbooks and talks for months. They are just excited to meet you because apparently, I talk about you a lot."
"Still haven't broken that habit, huh?" Maggie asked teasingly secretly delighted by the knowledge.
"Evidently you bring out my latent love of adjectives and superlatives" Syd agreed quickly with a faint blush.
"Don't worry your secret mushball tendencies are safe with me. I won't ruin the fearsome reputation."
"When it comes to you, Dr. Lin. My predilections and feelings aren't exactly a secret, and I don't even need to talk in code anymore."
"Does that mean screensavers and desk photos are in the future?"
"Let's get through the family dinner first."
"Yes Dear"
June 2018
How many times were she and Sydney going to have meaningful interactions in on-call rooms?
It was so cliche.
Maggie was profoundly grateful that Syd's favourite scrub nurse had rung her and quietly pleaded for the younger doctor to come down to the hospital on her lunch break.
She was even more grateful that to Syd's London colleagues she is and always would be the first port of call. She had no real specific identity at this hospital expect as the woman who brought Dr. Katz lunch during double shifts and was a reliable source of ward coffee and doughnuts if she was passing the OBGYN floor.
If only things were as simple as an emergency carbohydrate run today.
Maggie slipped into the on-call room
"Rough Day, love?" she whispered as she came to sit next to the smaller form of her girlfriend who was huddled on the bottom bank and not in her newly appointed office on the next floor.
Sydney huffed out a humorless laugh but did not pull away when Maggie pulled her into an embrace.
"Becca invited me to the baby's Bris" the words were barely audible.
Maggie tried to work the tension out of Syd's shoulders as she waited for a further explanation but she had a horrible idea that she could guess the rest of the story, and it made her blood boil.
"If I went I would be bringing the Ayin Hara around the miracle baby. My parents and extended relatives would have said in no uncertain terms that Becca and Samuel would be jeopardizing this life and the next" Syd wiped angrily at a stray tear.
"I can't do that to her Maggie - she is very much in the Orthodox faith still. She'd probably be willing to defy them, but she would have nightmares for months. Becca is still going through the last rounds of treatments. I can't in good conscience cause her any more pain."
Maggie felt powerless and on the verge of tears herself.
Characteristically the formidable Dr. Katz began to reassert herself to protect the vulnerable side.
"The Orthodox Calendar litters itself with countless rituals for the arrival of a son Maggie; you are probably going to be picking me up off the floor several times a year."
"Any time you need Sydney- I did mean what I said - you had me the second you asked to stay with me."
As Syd's breathing began to even out Maggie quoted the words from The Book of Ruth Chapter 1, verse 16 in halting but determined phrasing.
"Do not urge me to leave you..."
July 2018
Syd felt like she was in a romantic comedy script.
Not that she had much experience with those conventions. When Becca and her friends were plotting to see Titanic she had been more interested in a Richard Feynman Tribute Lecture series.
Still, she thought following her girlfriend down some unfamiliar streets probably varied into that direction.
She was merely curious.
Sydney believed to her very bones that Maggie wasn't having an affair. Aside from the connection they shared and how firmly their lives were intertwined Maggie was a terrible liar and wouldn't have been able to pull the deception off for any length of time.
There was still 3 hours every Thursday evening that was unaccounted for and didn't adorn the schedule in their shared office space.
If anything the other OBGYN was worried that her girlfriend struggled with the boards and was too proud to ask for help, sensitive about the Lin Legacy.
Syd only wanted to help; no way was Maggie going to struggle alone.
Jewish Mother stereotypes or not.
She did not expect Maggie to stop outside a Jewish bookstore and start chatting animatedly with a senior man in a Kippah who offloaded a series of books and ushered Maggie into the store, laughing at something she called over her shoulder.
No way was Syd able to leave it there.
Suppressing the prick of her conscience, Syd strode up the footpath and stood outside the bookstore, fairly vibrating with curiosity.
Maggie was sitting at the front counter, surrounded by many of the textbooks of her childhood and was listening as she nibbled on her biscuit before turning back the manual.
Ever the dedicated student.
Sydney felt tears prick her eyes and she felt overwhelmed by tenderness and prepared to turn away, not wanting to interfere before Maggie was willing to invite her in.
As if sensing scrutiny the older man looked up and grinned broadly, gesturing for her to come inside. With the difference borne out of many years respecting elders, Sydney didn't hesitate to comply instinctively smoothing a nonexistent headscarf as she went.
"Shalom, Dr. Katz"
The way Maggie's head whipped around was almost comical, and she merely continued to stare owlishly at Syd while she crossed the threshold.
The man laughed delightedly and came round to stand before Sydney holding out his hands in greeting.
"I am Abraham Stien, welcome to my shop, I have heard much about you." he exclaimed in softly accented Hebrew.
"Sydney Katz - I can not say the same, but I am honored to meet you" she replied in kind.
"Ah yes my most dedicated student wanted to surprise you in a few months I suspect" Abraham explained, regarding Maggie fondly.
Maggie grinned sheepishly at her, looking both guilty and prideful at the same time as she waited for them to finish conversing.
"I must go and call Jakob. He had some questions about the inventory I cannot ignore any longer. Make some tea, Maggie." as if this was an entirely reasonable interaction.
Abraham looked over his shoulder before heading into the backroom.
"You should marry the girl, Doctor Katz. She would say yes in a heartbeat, and she would do the faith proud whatever formal path she subscribes too. Your children will do well with her " he advised, smiling gently at her shocked expression.
"We are called Reformist for a reason, Sydney."
August 2018
"Happy Birthday, my love."
Maggie blinked as Sydney returned to the lounge carrying a neatly wrapped package and a nervous smile.
"Hey I thought flying my mom, Alex and Declan over here for the holiday had been my present," Maggie asked softly
"That was more of a group effort; this is just from me."
It had been Alex who had come up the original suggestion, having already been planning to fly out to visit them with the kids. The senior doctor had secured the cooperation of the enthusiastic Lins, and a trip to France was on the cards.
They were all staying together in an AirB&B cottage with a large backyard for the kids and within walking distance of several famous historical sites.
"You didn't need to do this you know - being here with you, and everybody is more than enough," Maggie said as she pulled off the wrapping, laughing softly at the miniature stethoscopes and ambulances on the outside.
"Oh, Syd - this is so beautiful."
In a simple wooden frame was a cross stitch verse in Hebrew. Since learning of Maggie's scholarship, Syd had taken delight in leaving her love notes in her native tongue and leaving them in odd places for her to find throughout the day.
Abraham had laughed for a solid 5 minutes when she asked him for help. However, it did not take her long to pick up the familiar phrases, being the medical geek that she is, she recognised Syd's style of stitching and small knots and the interplay of Maggie's favourite colours.
"You made this for me?"
"I mainly picked up needlework to keep my mother happy and to practice stitches for Advanced Biology, but I thought it would be more meaningful than something I found on Etsy." Sydney was feeling a touch self-conscious - she was still getting used to such open displays of affection and pride.
"As if I needed another reason to be a fan of your talented hands, Dr. Katz."
September 2018
Maggie was going to a synagogue tomorrow.
It wasn't for any formal reason. Just a small gathering of the community group that Abraham was leading, mainly comprising of his employees, former students, and their families. Lena and Josh were also coming, as the two keen scholars were eager to meet the friend of their cousin who champions liberal ideals.
It still felt like a huge deal somehow: an acknowledgment of where she was standing in her new life and the firm commitment she had made.
A nontraditional coming out for both you and Syd.
"I was wrong, you know."
Sydney had an endearing habit of starting conversations midstream and leaving Maggie to guess at the context, especially when they were in bed, it seemed to take awhile for Dr. Katz's brain to wind down. They could end up discussing anything from the latest in NICU theory to guessing what the most recent drama at Hope Zion was.
Maggie loved that she knew all these little details about Syd- that had been what she really meant when she had broken things off with Gavin: wanting to love well and love well in return - not in a grand or consuming way like Alex but a deep intimacy.
"Such a rare occurrence, Dr. Katz - how does it feel?"
"When I said we were spending through the dating mores. We are compatible in the best ways, and I wish I realised it earlier. We wouldn't have wasted so much time."
"I could have fought harder, Syd you ran away literally, but I did my share of avoidance too."
Sydney hummed in agreement, but she still sounded distracted.
"We're not on a timetable or score card. You don't need to chew over your mistakes constantly."
"Such is the life of a recently 'cursed' Jewish woman. Before I met you, I was always on a timetable and an accelerated one at that. If you are skipping grades and collecting accolades, you don't have time to swoon over that beautiful girl in chemistry class or wince inside every time you read Leviticus. If you are perfect everywhere else just maybe this one failing won't matter so much. Did pretty well for 18 years or so."
"Are you nervous about tomorrow? Abraham won't put any pressure on you to participate. It's just you, me and some friends with a great spread of food."
"A new faith-based community that is accepting me and my girlfriend. This experience is daunting and beautiful at the same time...overwhelming."
Maggie was silent as she wiped away stray tears and kissed wet cheeks.
October 2018
"I am very proud of you Maggie."
Maggie grinned as they sat together gazing at the paperwork that confirmed that they could now both practice medicine in London. Maggie had been able to credit an earlier placement and was finishing slightly ahead of schedule though there were still strict probations.
Ever the practical one, Syd had already framed the certificate and placed it next to hers in their joint study.
"It's going to be great to officially be on the ward again and do more than just observe," Maggie said glancing ruefully at the piles of textbooks arranged neatly against the wall by subject and Syd's complex rating system.
"Now we can start publishing papers together and seriously consider starting those Maternal Mental Health trials we talked about last year. Now that Becca is stable I have more time for the admin groundwork, and we can start by introducing the work to the board...”
"So you have plans for Katz- Lin world domination in the field of Obstetrics?" Maggie was grinning as she watched Sydney come alive with enthusiasm.
"Of course," Sydney said absently as she repositioned her glasses "We need to have a firm grasp of our position before the children come."
Maggie stood up quickly, stopping Sydney mid pace.
"Woah there, obsessive planner; It's a big leap from planning our academic life to scheduling our hypothetical children."
Sydney looked panicked "You've changed your mind about having children?"
"Are you kidding? I see our toddler in every redheaded child and swoon every time you guide the children at Abrahams. I am just saying you need to pace yourself and make little decisions as well as significant ones. Let's get our rhythm first."
"We are going to have redheaded children?"
"Absolutely. You better believe I am going to map out that recessive gene even if I have to hunt through every sperm bank in Europe. I'm going to have a mini Syd or two" Maggie confirmed jokingly
She was still laughing as her girlfriend dragged her to their overly expensive bed, progressively shedding more clothes as they went.
November 2018
She was going to marry Maggie Lin.
Sydney Katz had longed for and secretly prayed for this since the earliest days of their relationship. Of course, it had been in an abstract sense. When they first met, Syd had no real notion of what a long term commitment would involve. The Canada she had inhabited up until this point was not the Canada that had long championed equal rights.
However, she used to have wisps of fantasies about her and Maggie doing the most mundane of tasks, like painting a house or coming home from work or taking a dog to the park.
In her most private thoughts marriage had always been in the equation, however, remote the possibility had seemed.
The streak of traditional morals and ideas that would always be part of her (no matter what orthodoxy she followed) had sought formal permission from the Lins and Alex. Fortunately Maggie's mother (devout in her private way) had taken the request very seriously and been equally grave in her response.
Sydney had been equally appreciative of the dream proposal ideas Alex was sending almost daily and of the deepening relationship with Declan as they mapped out further details.
It was all perfectly planned with elements of all of her old and new life.
But it was not supposed to happen now.
Not with Maggie well into her second bout of pneumonia and still too weak to do much beyond becoming addicted to Holby City and drinking copious amounts of chicken broth.
She still sweated through the night and the occasional fevered hallucinations of her dad. Syd had taken ten days off and even so had been close to admitting Maggie back into a hospital on several occasions.
"Marry Me?"
Maggie blinked at her from behind sweat drenched hair and sallow features. Her eyes were clear of fever brightness but not of confusion.
"What?"
"Marry Me, Maggie?" Sydney dutifully repeated before carefully spooning more soup.
"You have spent the last two weeks doing more nursing than an intern on less sleep - complete with being covered in projectile vomit and mucus and that's your question?" Maggie's voice was barely above a cracking wheeze.
"Yes, it is."
Sydney carefully moistened her lips with ice chips as she explained in her soft, lilting tones that were equally used for teaching and signing observances.
"I had this all carefully planned out; there were going to be lights, poems, and a multi-country video reel. I'll have to show it to you sometime, but the truth is like most things, it comes down to a simple truth."
"I want to chase away your nightmares every time they occur. I want to soothe you when you are sick, and if it ever got serious, I want to have the same discussions with the doctor that Samual is having" Sydney laughed self-deprecatingly “I want to embody every stereotype I often resented. I want to fret over you, feed you, follow you wherever your dreams take you."
Maggie was crying in earnest as she nodded.
"I want that too, but we are saving celebrations until I can stand without looking like a baby giraffe. I've got to have game for my fiancée."
"Of course - all but one." Sydney agreed readily, grinning broadly at the rightness of the term.
Sydney reached into the desk drawer and pulled out a small box, opening it and turning it for Maggie to review.
The band inside was designed both for aesthetics and to be worn by a doctor. It is a platinum band that is set with slivers of Maggie's birthstone that are too subtle to be caught on scrubs or gloves and so making it easy to remove as well. Inside the box is coiled a sturdy but delicate chain, no doubt for surgeries.
"Would you do the honour of becoming my, wife?"
"Yes."
December 2018
"You cost me twenty bucks."
Alex's statement didn't register with Maggie right away as she continued to gaze in awe at the beautiful ring on her finger, which was still a novelty even after a week or so.
"I thought for all money, literally, that you were going to propose after your recertification exam. Zach put all his money on Sydney though."
"Glad to see we are still providing amusement from so far away."
"The drama pool has been surprisingly quiet. We have to do something to keep entertained."
Alex leaned over and gave Maggie another hug as they waited for the long pre-Christmas baggage claim cue at the airport.
"I am so happy for you Maggie; I know how much this means to you both."
Maggie and Sydney had come home (to Toronto) for the holidays, and their friends from Hope Zion had hijacked their rather sedate itinerary to reflect a delayed celebration.
They were all claiming a hand in helping the two doctors realize that they were better together rather than pining for each other oceans apart.
Maggie feared that there would be stories, gossip, and pictures.
Maggie supposed they deserved some sense of victory.
She had to smile as she watched Sydney being warmly embraced by a collection of Lins and Hope Zion staff, each admiring the ring. There were no members of the Katz family to be found. They were unlikely to observe or celebrate either Christmas or their impending marriage.
Others would stand in their place.
Sydney would be loved and cherished.
Maggie had faith.