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The ringing of the phone sounded in Kuroo's ear. It grew louder and louder and louder until all he could hear was the staticy tone.
Rrrring.
Kuroo breathed in and tried to forget, tried to convince himself to hang up the phone and move the fuck on. He couldn't, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't just get over it. Couldn't just give up. Couldn't just forget. He was doomed remember. Doomed to forgive but not to forget.
Rrrrrrrring.
I've never been in love. I've never been in love. I've never been in love. Kuroo had repeated that lie enough times that he'd always believed it. Perhaps it was the alcohol or the nostalgia, but for some reason he couldn't believe it now.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrring.
Time was slowing down, the ringing was getting louder and more drawn out. It felt as though his heartbeats were minutes apart. As though every breath was an eternity. What was there to do when time slows down but wait? What was there to do when you got sick of waiting but leave? What was there to do when you were faced with your ultimate fear but run?
Click
Time wasn't slowing anymore, it stopped altogether.
"Hello? Who is this?"
two hours earlier
Kuroo arrived home and broke down. He didn't know why. Pain was like rain; sometimes it came on clear days that ended in tones of grey.
This pain wasn't like rain, though. It was more like a sudden forest fire, red and hot and wreaking havoc. This pain wanted to be felt.
Kuroo could feel it vibrating around in his skull and crashing against the walls of his head because it wanted so desperately to be let out. It made him feel hot, as though his body was an ember, burning itself to nothing. It's only purpose was to destroy itself and ignite the world around it.
Kuroo lived in a studio apartment by himself. Rent was cheap because it was in a shitty neighborhood. The apartment was tiny.
In the small living area, he had a glass top table.
Kuroo didn't feel the pain when he put his fist through the glass, didn't feel the sting as it sliced his hand to pieces. He didn't feel the scream rip out of his throat. He didn't feel his foot crush the wicker frame of the table. He didn't feel the blood dripping from his knuckles after he punched the wall for an hour.
The pain inside him had swayed the balance. All he could feel was emotion coiled tight around his heart, his brain, his entire body. Here came a feeling he thought he'd forgotten.
seven hours earlier
"Never have I ever been in love," Kenma stated, barely drunk because he never actually did anything. Everyone but three people groaned and took a drink. Kuroo stared at his reflection in the plastic cup, the dark liquid giving his face an ominous, sepia like quality.
He didn't drink.
four months earlier
Kuroo knew he would have to see Daishou at this volleyball match. He would be there, and Kuroo would see him whether he played him or not.
It was just Kuroo's luck that he ended up playing him.
They shot insults back at forth, they glared, scowled, snapped and smirked like they always did when they were around each other. And as always, Kuroo brought up some point of information that he knew would be sensitive to Daishou, just to get on his nerves. This time it was the fact that him and Mika had broken up.
"Seems like everybody leaves you, eh?" Kuroo asked him at some point after the match when no one else was around.
Daishou turned and looked at him, and it was like he held all the hurt of all the people in the world on his face.
"Can you not? Like can we just stop this? I'm fucking tired, okay. No more jokes, no more games, just don't fucking talk to me. Ever again." Daishou seemed like he was about to cry. The all too familiar smirk that Daishou constantly wore on his face was the saddest Kuroo had ever seen it. Daishou looked shattered. He looked as though he had been drained of every ounce of happiness that used to live inside him. Kuroo couldn’t bear the pain that Daishou was in. The pain that he had put there.
Kuroo felt the apology on his tongue, then remembered he who he was talking to, and that he was supposed hate him.
Kuroo said nothing, and just left. Left like he always did when he didn't know what to do.
Kuroo went to the nearest bathroom, locked himself in a stall, and cried. He cried for all the lost possibilities. Cried for the shadow of doubt in the back of his mind. Cried for the love and joy inside him that he had lost. Kuroo cried until there was nothing left to cry for.
three years earlier
"You know what? Fuck you," Daishou was practically yelling at him. Hot, angry tears streamed down his perfect face.
"What the fuck did I do? All I'm doing is being rational, you know it wouldn't work. Fuck, it's barely working now," Kuroo snapped back, masking the emotion that was living inside him currently. Hiding the pain that came with Daishou's tears.
"You're such an asshole, you know that? You're a fucking asshole," Daishou was pacing back and forth, hands gripping his hair tight.
"What could I have done, Daishou? We're going to different high schools, we'd never see each other. We'd drift apart like we already are. I'm just preventing more pain."
"YOU COULD'VE FUCKING TRIED," Daishou screamed. He collapsed to his knees, clutching his head in his hands.
Kuroo staggered backwards. He was surprised by his outburst, surprised by how desperately Daishou was clinging to this crumbling relationship. Kuroo felt his own tears start to fall.
He cried because he couldn't stand to see Daishou in pain, and he had done this, he had done this to Daishou. To the person he loved.
When Daishou was in pain, Kuroo felt his heart squeeze tight, he felt his entire body cry out, he felt his mind desperately searching for ways to help.
He crushed his instincts. "I'm sorry. I'm just doing what's right."
"How the fuck would you know what's right? You didn't even fucking try. You didn't even fucking give it a shot. You just gave up and left. That's what you always do, you leave when things get too hard. So fuck you." Daishou replied, pulling himself to his feet. He stared Kuroo in the eyes. Daishou's eyes were red from crying, and they were angry. God, Kuroo had never seen him so angry.
"I'm sorry," were the only words he could say. His voice was failing him. He felt like breaking down and sobbing right there in the park.
Kuroo could see the anger drain out of Daishou's eyes, replaced with only pain and sorrow, "You're not fucking sorry."
"We can stay friends," Kuroo offered.
"Whatever."
Kuroo took that as his cue to leave. He started to walk away when Daishou called out to him.
"Did you love me?"
Kuroo felt his heart answer. Yes. God yes. More than anything. I still do.
"No," he replied.
four years earlier
Kuroo and Daishou were young, dumb and in love. They laughed and kissed and lived. They still had their pain, but it was like all that pain had ripped open an entirely new universe, filled with happiness for just the two of them.
They had found each other and would never let go.
now
"Hello?" Daishou repeated when Kuroo didn't answer.
Kuroo swallowed, "Hi."
"Who is th–Tetsurou?" His voice hitched when he said it.
"Yeah."
"Why are you calling me?"
"Because I lied."
"What?"
"I lied to everyone, I lied to myself, I lied to you. I keep telling myself I've never been in love but that's a fucking lie,” Kuroo felt tears silently streaming down his face and hoped Daishou couldn't tell, “I've been in love exactly once."
"You told me you didn't," Daishou whispered, barely audible over the phone.
"I lied," Kuroo paused, but Daishou didn’t say anything, "I thought you'd forget about that."
"Forget?" Daishou's voice went from quiet to incredulous, "I think about it every fucking day. You were one of the only people I've ever loved and you told me the feeling wasn't requited. I never got over that. I don't think I ever will."
"I'm sorry," Kuroo choked out.
"Answer me this. Why? Why did you do it? You didn't have to, but you did. I've thought about this for years, actual years, and I still don't know why."
"Because I was scared," Kuroo whispered.
"Scared of what," Daishou whispered back.
"Of love. I didn't know what to do with it. And it hurt. God it hurt. I couldn't stand to see you in pain. I didn't know what else to do."
"You think I didn't feel the same?"
"You were always stronger than I was, Suguru."
Daishou said nothing for a while.
"Why are you calling me?"
"Because I didn't forget. I can't forget. I didn't forget the feeling of love and now it hurts a hundred times more. I can't get over you, Daishou. I can't." Kuroo took a deep breath, "Because I want to try again."
There was a long time before Daishou spoke. It felt like an eternity. And in that eternity Kuroo remembered every moment with Daishou. Every laugh, every kiss, every quiet, calm, shared silence. He remembered everything about Daishou's face, his smile, his eyes, his dyed green hair that Kuroo poked fun at. He remembered every silly argument that ended in laughter. He remembered everything. He wasn't doomed to remember, he was blessed. Because every minute he shared with Daishou was love itself, and love is priceless. Even if Daishou hung up right then and there, Kuroo would be happy to have tasted what love felt like one last time.
Kuroo heard Daishou exhale through the phone.
"Okay then. Again."