Work Text:
I remember the time you spent developing the operations order for cleanup efforts in Reole. Demands on you from the upper ranks were intense, and you made it no secret that you were putting in long hours, sometimes even working through the night and into the next day. I remember catching you at your desk, your head down and eyes closed. At first, I was going to wake you up, taunt you for slacking off, and make you buy me lunch. But then I saw the dark circles under your eyes and the tightness of the skin there, and from the way you were shivering just slightly, I knew you had to be exhausted; my dad gets like that when it’s inventory time. And so I found a blanket in one of the storage cupboards and draped it over you while you were sleeping. You pulled it a little tighter around you, and after a minute, the shivering stopped. Your face even relaxed a little. I told you that you were going to burn yourself out if you kept that crap up, and promised you that the next time I went home, I’d bring back some of my mom’s baking for you. I didn’t say that because I think you need looking after. I said it so that you’d know that someone worries about you, even in secret. I couldn’t tell you that while you were awake because you’re a colonel and I’m your subordinate. According to the ‘rules’ the military sets out for us, we can be friendly, but we can’t be friends – not that I think it’s a good rule. Besides, I know that you try to come across as this strong, independent, powerful force. Saying anything would only have embarrassed you.
I remember the time you were wounded and had to spend three days in the hospital. I came with the rest of the group – Breda, Falman and Feury – and we talked to you for a while about the office, about the job, about women. You told us that three days was going to be an eternity, and that you were already bored. And so I came back that night and left a few books and a box of praline toffee on your nightstand while you were sleeping. I know you liked them; pralines are your favourite. I heard you mention it once when we were driving. I couldn’t bring those things while you were awake because I know you’re working hard to build a reputation and become Führer. If anyone had seen me, there would have been talk, and I couldn’t take the risk of you not reaching your goals because of some chain-smoking country boy. I'd never forgive myself.
I remember the time we were fighting that group of rebels, and we’d been forced to spend the night in that dark, dank sewer. You’d laid down to rest in a small alcove, away from the rest of us. It pissed me off at first that you didn't want to be with your men, but by the end of the night I understood. You want to protect us, and so you're afraid to let any of us really get to know you. You distance yourself and you think you have to hide from us. But that night you couldn't hide completely. I was on watch, and when I checked on you, I saw you crying in your sleep. And so I went and sat beside you, and ran my fingers through your hair, and held your hand while you were sleeping. You gave the smallest squeeze back and then quieted. I could never have done that while you were awake. For one thing, you never would have trusted me enough to show me that vulnerability.
But I know that the war affected you more than you let on. There have been times when I've seen that haunted look in your eyes. Times when we were driving and you'd briefly let your guard down thinking I wouldn't see. But I do see; sometimes I watch you in the rearview mirror. I want to ask you if you'd like to go for coffee. If you'd like to talk. But I stay silent. You’re a military man which means you think you can’t look to anyone for comfort lest anyone think you weak. I wish I could change your thinking; you're one of the strongest men I know.
I remember wondering one day what you’d think of me if you knew it had been me all those times with you while you were sleeping. I wondered if you’d be angry. Maybe you’d be embarrassed. I wondered if you’d even tell me if you did know; it’s not like you’d have any reason to do so.
And then one day, you came to my door and I knew that you knew. You smiled a little, and though I’m not always able to tell what you’re thinking, I understood what that smile meant. You thanked me, and then you asked if I had some time to talk. At first, I wondered if I was sleeping, but then I felt you brush by me as you entered my house, and I could smell your aftershave, and I realized that I was awake.
And that was better than any dream.