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Remus was exhausted when he walked through the front door of Number 12 Grimmuald Place after being away on a mission for nearly two weeks. He was happy to lend his services to the Order, of course. After all, there was no one else that could easily spy on werewolf packs and try to convince them against joining the side of Voldemort, but it always left him feeling weak, tired, filthy and slightly subhuman…
He trudged his way up the stairs, debating stopping at the bathroom for a quick shower but there was something he craved more than anything each time he returned to headquarters. More than a good wash and clean clothes, more than a well cooked meal and a cup of tea, he wanted to see Sirius. The dusty, dark and dreary halls of the old house were not exactly something Remus would consider comforting, but the man trapped safe within them is what made it easy to consider the place home.
He didn’t bother knocking on the bedroom door to announce his presence before entering, planning to surprise his lover, but when he opened the door it was he himself who gasped in shock.
The man sitting on the bed was not the one he had kissed goodbye two weeks ago, promising to do everything he could to come home safe as always. There were no dark circles under his eyes, his skin was not so sickly pale and his hair was no longer lacking it’s previous luster. Instead, the man who had haunted his dreams for twelve years stood before him.
He looked just as Remus remembered. Thick, shoulder length, inky black hair, sharp steel eyes and perfect, unmarred porcelain skin. A part of Remus’ brain, the part that remembered that face as the man who had broken his heart, murdered his friends and left him alone in the world, wanted to make a grab for his wand and curse Sirius into oblivion. He shook himself. None of that had been true. Peter had done those things. But still, that face…how many times had he yelled and screamed terrible things to that young, handsome, irritatingly arrogant face.
“S-Sirius…” His voice shook as he addressed the man before him. “W-What-?”
Sirius grinned at him. That grin he hadn’t properly seen since before all of the mistrust and anger and accusations. Remus felt himself shudder.
“Moony! You’re home!” Sirius bounded across the room, throwing his arms around Remus enthusiastically. Remus hesitated for a moment before slowly bringing his arms around him and allowing himself to bury his face in his neck and inhale his scent. His body relaxed slightly, smelling leather and whiskey and Sirius and home. When they broke apart, Sirius was looking at him with concern and confusion.
“Are you alright? You look…” He frowned, his brow furrowing and showing just a hint of a wrinkle that was supposed to be there. “You’re not hurt at all are you?”
Remus shook his head. “N-no…I…” He cleared his throat. “Sirius…y-you look…um…”
Realization dawned on Sirius’ young face. “Oh! Merlin, I nearly forgot!” That mischievous glint was back in his eyes. Remus was torn between punching him and throwing him down and fucking him into the floor. Instead he stood perfectly still and silent, waiting for Sirius’ explanation. “I was going through some old photographs and well, I started feeling pretty depressed seeing as I was a rather handsome bloke back then - lucky you -” Remus snorted and rolled his eyes. “And now I look like the bloody walking dead. And I started thinking about how much time I had lost in Azkaban and how much we had lost with each other and I just…I wanted to see…” He trailed off, the excitement gone and leaving his eyes looking sad and lost as they usually were these days. He shook his head. “Anyway, I went looking through my father’s storage of potions ingredients and apparently Snivellus-”
“Severus,” Remus corrected him mildly.
“-Whatever,” Sirius waved him off. “Apparently he’s been keeping it stocked up for anything the order needs and I happened to find the right ingredients for a de-aging potion!”
“But…why?”
A slight blush fell over Sirius’ handsome face and for a second he lost his old cocky self assurance. “I wanted to look good for you, Moony. It wasn’t fair, what I did to you back then…it wasn’t fair that you lost everything and now all you’ve got to compensate for it is a barely even a shadow of who I used to be…I just wanted…I wanted to get that back…even just temporarily…for both of us…”
Remus studied the man before him for a moment. He cupped the young, familiar face in his hand and stroked his thumb over the slightly scruffy, sharp cheekbone and the strong jawline. “Sirius, you don’t need to be twenty two again for me. The fact that you’re here…that you’re alive and safe and innocent…you’re here with me…that’s all I need.” He leaned in to press his lips against Sirius’. They were so soft and warm, moving against his own. Then Sirius pulled away, just out of reach.
“I have more.” He said, his voice just above a whisper. “Take it with me, Moony.”
“Sirius…” Remus bit his lip, shaking his head.
“Please Moony?” Sirius’ eyes looked up into his own, pleadingly. “Please? I just…I need…I can’t explain it, but I just want…I need to be me again. To be us again…I need to go back.”
“We are us. We can’t go back, Sirius.” Said Remus gently, bringing his hand back up to Sirius’ face. “You know that, don’t you? This is only a mask, it won’t change what happened…”
“But-”
“Sirius.” Remus’ tone seemed to bring Sirius somewhat back down to reality. He could see in Sirius’ eyes that he did understand, but still there was that stubbornness that had always been there. That persistent need for Sirius to get what he wanted.
Remus felt Sirius shoving a small glass vial into his hand. “Please, Moony?”
For a second Remus was completely still, gripping the potion in his hand and going through every rational reason to tell Sirius no, dump the contents down the drain and take a long, hot shower before disappearing into Regulus’ old room until the effects of Sirius’ potion wore off. That was what he should do.
Oh, but the fight that it would cause afterwards.
Sirius’ moods, which had never been the most stable even as a young boy at Hogwarts, were incredibly fragile these days, and the simplest disputes could set him off in a rage or worse, crippling depression. It wasn’t uncommon for Sirius to snap at the other order members or to lock himself away with Buckbeak for hours whenever anyone said or did something he wasn’t in agreement with. Remus, as always, was usually the one to calm him down and rationalize with him. But he was far from safe from being the target of Sirius’ fits, and when he was it was usually the absolute worst it could possibly be…but that’s just how they had always been.
He was too tired to fight with Sirius’ temper and deal with his tantrums…
And, an annoying little voice in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like his teenage self added, Sirius did have a point. He was absolutely gorgeous.
Lucky me.
So, just as he had done millions of times in his life where Sirius was concerned, he sighed and decided to throw caution to the wind.
When he took a step back out of the other man’s arms, he saw a moment of disappointment flash in Sirius’ eyes, followed by what Remus had learned to recognize as the start of a tantrum; his jaw set and his chin jutted out defiantly, lips tight and thin and eyes narrowed. But just as Sirius was about to open his mouth and start yelling and cursing Remus for whatever it was he could come up with, Remus uncorked the vial, brought it to his lips and downed it.
It took a minute for the potion to begin to take effect, but soon Remus felt a not unpleasant tingling that started in the tips of his fingers and toes and slowly made its way through the rest of his body. After the tingling there was a hot prickling feeling that sort of reminded him of how his skin felt just before the full moon, itchy and confining like it wasn’t his own, but not nearly as painful. A wave of something passed through him and made his head spin a little so he closed his eyes tightly and waited…
He heard Sirius gasp.
When he opened his eyes Sirius was staring at him with an unreadable expression. His wide eyes gave Remus a slow once over and the tip of his tongue darted out to wet his slightly parted lips. Over Sirius’ shoulder, Remus could see his reflection in the ornate antique mirror across the room. Fewer scars, almost no gray in his hair and, like Sirius, definitely missing a few wrinkles that had formed over the last decade. He had also filled out a bit more. He had always been very lean, but years of unemployment and struggling to make it on his own had really done its job on him. He nearly forgot how toned he had been before. His normally baggy clothes actually felt a little snug. Merlin, the damage one terrible night had done…
“Moony,”
Remus jumped, having nearly forgotten that Sirius was standing there. The Sirius that This Remus had loved with every fiber of his very existence. The Sirius that had broken This Remus’ heart over and over. That had said terrible things to him and that he had thought terrible things about. All the anger and bitterness and pain suddenly flooded back. This was a terrible idea…
“Sirius-”
But then Sirius’ lips were crushing against his own, hard and insistent. Long, strong arms were around his shoulders and Remus knew he could never resist him. Not then and not now. Grabbing Sirius by the hips, he spun the around and shoved the smaller man roughly against the wall. Sirius gasped and moaned and Remus slid his tongue into his mouth, pressing their bodies firmly together. Sirius’ arms tightened around him and he arched his hips off the wall to grind both of their aching erections together.
Remus growled, forcing his knee between Sirius’ thighs and feeling that hardness rub against him desperately. He broke from Sirius’ lips to kiss down his jaw line to his neck where he bit sharply just above his collarbone. Sirius whimpered, still humping Remus’ thigh between his own and fumbling with his hands to undo the buttons on Remus’ shirt.
“Moony…Moony, please…” Sirius was mumbling over and over. Remus grabbed both of his wrists with one hand and pinned them above his head. His free hand nearly ripped the buttons from Sirius’ shirt before trailing down the perfectly muscled chest and cupping the hard bulge in his pants. Sirius moaned and pressed against Remus’ hand. Remus pulled away slightly to work on ridding his lover of his clothes and his breath hitched when he once again was greeted with the sight of 22 year old Sirius Black.
Using this as his chance, Sirius broke his wrists free from Remus’ grasp and they both made quick work of each other’s clothes. Once they were both naked, they froze and stared. The only sound in the room was both of them breathing heavily as they drank in the sight of each other. Emotions they had tried to forget crept their way back in. Remus felt his chest tighten, his eyes burned and his voice shook as he uttered the words “I hate you.” at the same time that Sirius breathed out “I love you.”
Their lips were on each other again, desperate and hungry and their hands were everywhere. Sirius’ were gentle and loving, caressing Remus’ skin as if he was the most precious thing in the entire world even as Remus shoved him roughly back against the wall again and dug his nails deep enough into his flesh to draw blood. Remus bit bruises into Sirius’ neck and Sirius kissed any part of Remus he could possibly reach.
They somehow made their way to the bed and Remus practically threw Sirius’ down, climbing on top of him and raking his nails down his sides, leaving angry red marks in their wake.
In the back of his mind he told himself to stop. That all of these feelings were only a bad memory from years ago and it was over now. He should focus on the Sirius he had now, and be happy he had him at all. But when he looked at him, he only wanted to say the things he never got to say when he was twenty two.
Threading his fingers through the silky, dark locks, Remus tugged hard to expose Sirius’ throat and bit down making Sirius whine and squirm beneath him. He reached between them, his hand purposely avoiding Sirius’ cock to grab the curve of his ass with bruising pressure.
“I fucking hate you, Sirius.” He growled against Sirius’ ear.
“I love you so much Moony.” Was Sirius’ response, without the slightest hesitation or even a flinch from Remus’ words.
Crawling further up Sirius’ body, Remus straddled his chest. He used one hand to brace himself against the headboard and used the other to grip his own cock, pumping it a few times and watching as Sirius’ eyes glazed over with lust.
“Suck me.” He ordered harshly, and Sirius complied by opening his mouth, willingly taking Remus’ length in with practiced ease.
Remus wasn’t gentle as he fucked the hot, wet cavern of Sirius’ mouth. He knew he didn’t have to be and that Sirius could take as much as Remus could dish out. He moaned, feeling Sirius’ throat fluttering around the sensitive head and hearing him gag on his length.
“Fuck you, Sirius!” He hissed through gritted teeth. Sirius only moaned softly around him, bringing his hands to rest on Remus’ hips and stroking his thumb over a scar on the werewolf’s hipbone. When he felt like he just might cum, Remus quickly pulled out of Sirius’ mouth, leaving the other man panting and gasping for air.
Remus settled back between Sirius’ legs, he still left Sirius’ cock untouched as he took two of his own fingers into his mouth and coated them with saliva. “You ruined everything…” He growled as his fingers found Sirius’ hole and teased around the rim.
“I’m so sorry, Remus.” Sirius gasped, arching off the bed, desperately trying to take those fingers inside. Then the fingers were gone and Sirius whimpered at the loss before Remus was grasping his ass and pulling him apart. Sirius cried out loudly as Remus’ tongue swiped across his entrance, slowly working him open. His hands rested lightly on Remus’ head, stroking his fingers through the soft brown curls. “I love you so much, Remus.” He said again as his hips rocked slightly against Remus’ talented mouth. “I’m so sorry. Never…Never meant to- Merlin, fuck...Oh Moony, fuck me…”
Remus gave him one final lick before he sat up, wiping his mouth on his shoulder as his fingers returned to their previous task, this time skipping the teasing and pushing forcefully inside the tight ring of muscle. He didn’t take much time preparing him, just enough to know he would cause some pain without any damage and he withdrew his fingers before lining himself up and thrusting deep inside all at once. He paused, burying his face in Sirius’ neck and feeling Sirius’ hot breath coming out in short, shallow huffs against his head. Sirius’ arms were around him, holding him close and his eyes welled up with tears. This was what he lost. For more than twelve years, this was taken from him.
“You…” He choked out. “You left me here all alone.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Moony. I’m here. I love you, Remus…”
Remus lovingly pressed his lips against the damp skin of Sirius’ neck before he lifted himself up to look at his face as he started to move inside him and Sirius lifted his hips to meet him each time, their eyes locked on each other.
Remus’ hand finally wrapped around Sirius’ neglected and dripping cock and Sirius moaned gratefully.
“Fuck…” Remus swore, thrusting his hips harder and faster as heat began to pool inside of him and he stared down at his lover. Sirius was gorgeously debauched beneath him with his hair fanned out around him, lips swollen and red and glistening and dark purple bruises littering his neck and shoulders. “Sirius…”
Sirius lifted his hands to frame Remus’ face, using his thumb to wipe away a tear that Remus hadn’t even realized had fallen. “So beautiful, my Moony…” Then he gasped and threw his head back. Remus’ hand tightened around him, pumping him faster until Sirius came, bringing Remus over the edge right behind him.
They both lay tangled in each other’s limbs and panting. After a long while, Remus rolled off, his body shaking as tears fell freely from his eyes. Sirius pulled him close against his chest and kissed the top of his head.
“I’m sorry, Moony.” He whispered. “I should have told you a million times that I was sorry. I shouldn’t have left…”
“I love you so much, Sirius…” Remus choked as he tried to hold back a sob. “You were everything to me…I loved you so fucking much…”
They held each other for a long time, finally settling under the covers to fall asleep in each other’s arms before the potion could wear off and they could pretend for just another moment that they were still twenty two, they could fix this and everything would be okay.