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Aaron smoothed out the front of his prison issue jumper with a shaking hand. He knew he looked like shit but there really wasn’t much he could do about it. He ran his fingers through his hair one last time in an attempt to at least pass as human for his visit with Paddy.
There was no way to hide the bruising on his cheekbone or his perpetually split lip but if he could just walk into the visitation room with a little swagger maybe Paddy would think he gave as good as he got. Maybe he wouldn’t picture Aaron curled up on the floor being kicked in ribs and spat on like some unwanted dog.
He steadied his breathing and prepared to swallow the pain that accompanied his every move. He stepped into the room scanning it for any sign of the big, lovable vet.
There he was, Paddy, sitting in a chair, fidgeting incessantly and looking so damn happy to see Aaron.
Aaron nearly lost all his resolve right then and there… it had been a while since anyone had looked at him with anything other than disgust or pity and there was Paddy smiling like Aaron had just given him his Christmas and birthday presents all at once. In that moment he knew that he could tell Paddy anything…the truth even, and maybe he’d feel better. But with the passing of that same moment he knew he wouldn’t.
“Hello Patrick,” Aaron greeted him with a brief hug and a barely concealed wince.
“Hiya,” Paddy said before clocking the bruising on Aaron’s face, “What’s happened there?” he asked bringing a hand up to Aaron’s jaw and tilting it for a better look.
“Oi get off would ya?” Aaron responded lightly batting Paddy’s hand away, “You’re worse than an old woman.”
“Have you been scrapping again?” Paddy asked as he returned to his seat across from Aaron, a look of concern mingled with exasperation etched upon his face.
“It’s prison Paddy,” Aaron said as though that explained everything. In truth he’d kept his answer short to avoid the temptation of giving Paddy a full confession.
The truth sat behind his tongue aching to come out and the more he opened his mouth the likelier it became that it would succeed in doing so.
“You know you don’t have to play the hard man with me, don’t you?” Paddy said.
“Yeah,” Aaron nodded, “there’s nothing to tell.”
“Good,” Paddy said but he didn’t sound convinced.
The two men stared at each other for a moment in silence before Aaron broke it.
“Come on Paddy, tell us what’s been going on. It’s dead boring in here.”
Paddy hesitated obviously considering pushing Aaron for more details before thinking better of it.
“It must be if you’re looking to my life for excitement,” Paddy said with a laugh, “Although did I ever tell you about Mr. Granger’s cow?”
Aaron was just settling in for a very welcome dose of boring vet humour when movement in his peripheral vision caught his attention. Without turning to look properly he knew Jason had entered the room. He seemed to be able to sense him these days. Maybe it was the smell of his soap preceding him into a room or the uneasy silence that rippled through the inmates when he was nearby or maybe it was Aaron’s dormant survival instincts kicking in…whatever the case, it sent an involuntary shiver up his spine.
Luckily Paddy was too busy with his story - which seemed to require a large number of animated hand gestures – to notice Aaron’s sudden shift in mood. Aaron tried to keep his breathing even and prayed that Jason would stay on the other side of the room but, as usual, he was shit out of luck.
Jason got closer and closer before taking a seat at the table directly behind Aaron and Paddy’s. Aaron could feel his whole body tense knowing he was there but not being able to see him.
“… and the whole thing landed in the wet cow pat,” Paddy said rounding off his story and looking expectantly at Aaron for a reaction.
Aaron couldn’t even pretend to know what he’d just said.
Paddy’s smile dropped from his face, “Aaron what’s wrong?”
“Nothing?” Aaron tried feebly but given that, that one word was couched between rapid, shallow breaths he wasn’t expecting Paddy to buy it.
Paddy cast a wary eye around them looking for the source of Aaron’s sudden discomfort. His gaze came to rest on a large, bald inmate who was staring daggers into the back of Aaron’s head.
“Is it something to do with that man?”
“Just leave it Paddy,” Aaron said quietly.
“Did he give you that?” Paddy asked pointing to Aaron’s lip.
Aaron stared resolutely at his hands on the table. He knew that if he looked up Paddy would see the shame in his eyes. It turned out Paddy didn’t need to see it to know it was there.
“What else?”
“A few bruised ribs,” Aaron admitted knowing that he had to give Paddy something to stop him digging.
“And that’s it?” Paddy asked.
Aaron nodded not daring to look up.
“Have you seen the doctor?” Paddy asked in his best dad voice, “if you have an untreated fracture…Aaron it could be really dangerous.”
“I know the difference between bruised and broken,” Aaron replied stonily. The last thing he needed was Paddy making a fuss and getting him toted off to the medical ward. It would be the proof Jason and his cronies were waiting for… proof that Aaron was as weak and pathetic as they all thought he was.
“I’m fine.”
“Yeah you look it,” Paddy said sarcastically but not cruelly.
“Yeah well… nothing you can do about it anyway,” Aaron said his own admission threatening to ruin him, “so don’t worry yourself Patrick.”
“I’ll always worry about ye,” Paddy said softly reaching across to lightly punch Aaron on the shoulder, “that’s what being a parent is.”
It was those final words that made Aaron finally raise his head to meet Paddy’s gaze.
Now Paddy had never been a violent man but seeing the hurt and uncertainty in Aaron’s eyes and being fairly sure he’d identified the ‘man’ who put it there, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t, in that moment, contemplate acts of great violence. With an immense amount of self-control he swallowed the impulse, knowing it would only make things worse for his son.
“You know I’m proud of ye,” Paddy said instead. When Aaron didn’t look convinced he continued, “I don’t care that you’re in here, I don’t care why… I’m still proud of you.”
“Why?” Aaron asked before he could stop himself.
“I remember that kid you were when you turned up in Emmerdale,” Paddy replied, “I know being here feels like a backwards step but don’t ever forget how far you’ve come.”
The sincerity in Paddy’s voice was too much for Aaron and he returned his gaze back to the table. There was silence as they both thought back to that angry kid who couldn’t even admit to liking another boy, so scared of what he was and what it meant that he locked himself in a garage with the engine running. That boy was now a man with a husband and a future. Paddy couldn’t stand the thought of ignorant bigots sending Aaron back to that place where he was ashamed of himself.
“So tell me about this cow again,” Aaron said breaking the heavy silence with a desperate plea for distraction.
Paddy sighed, he could only hope that on some level Aaron had heard his words and understood their meaning, “So Mr. Granger calls at three thirty in the morning panicking about Betsy… Betsy’s this old milker he’s got but it also happens to be the name of his wife…”
Aaron settled into Paddy’s story, trying to ignore the raised hairs on the back of his neck alerting him to the continued presence of his tormentor.
The remaining time passed quickly once Paddy got on a roll and even though Aaron found it hard to keep up he enjoyed the familiar cadence of Paddy’s voice.
When the buzzer sounded the two men moved to hug.
“Call me,” Paddy said wrapping his arms around Aaron’s shoulders.
“Your dad give you a taste for older men hey Livesy?”
Aaron closed his eyes and prayed that he’d imagined it. That was exactly what he’d hoped to avoid. He couldn’t look at Paddy…didn’t want to see the sympathy or the anger.
“Leave it,” Aaron whispered sternly sensing that Paddy was gearing up to say something.
He patted Paddy on the arm, mumbled, “thanks for coming,” and left before Paddy had time to react.
Paddy watched Aaron’s back until it disappeared around a corner… it was even worse than he’d feared. So many questions ran through his head, how did they know about Gordon, what kind of disgusting waste of space taunted someone about sexual abuse, what else wasn’t Aaron telling them, and of course the question that required the most immediate response, what, if anything, did he tell Robert?
…
Paddy sat in his car outside the pub. He was kidding himself if he thought he could avoid Robert. The man had given up his visit for Paddy on the proviso that Paddy debriefed him once he was done.
He took a deep breath and braced himself … there was no use in putting it off.
“Paddy,” Marlon greeted him cheerily from behind the bar.
Paddy couldn’t even muster a fake smile for his best friend, “Is Robert in.”
“Yeah he’s out the back,” Marlon said cheer giving way to concern with practiced ease, “is everything okay?”
“I just need to talk to Robert,” Paddy replied wandering around the bar and ignoring the looks of confusion and concern on Marlon’s face.
Robert jumped up from his chair at the dining room table as soon as Paddy entered.
“Well?” he asked hopefully, “how was he?”
“Not great,” Paddy answered honestly watching Robert’s face morph into that of a sad eyed Labrador.
“What do you mean not great?”
“He seemed alright to start with, not a bundle of laughs or anything, but when is Aaron ever a bundle of laughs, so he seemed… I don’t know …normal I guess…”
“Paddy stop yammering and tell me what happened,” Robert said impatiently, his fear growing exponentially with every unnecessary word Paddy uttered.
“He said he was ok but then this other inmate walked in and he got twitchy,” Paddy said trying to stick to the facts, “it was the guy who split his lip…gave him a few bruised ribs too.”
“Which guy?” Robert asked seething.
“I didn’t get a name.”
“Ugh Paddy,” Robert said, annoyed.
“Oh I’m sorry I didn’t think of walking up to the guy and introducing myself,” Paddy said defensively.
“Yeah well you should have,” Robert said pacing the floor, not caring how irrational he sounded.
“He promised me,” he said more to himself than Paddy.
“What?”
“Aaron promised he’d tell me if anything happened to him in there.”
“He’s probably just trying to protect you.”
“He’s the one that needs protecting,” Robert said valiantly attempting to keep his voice even.
Paddy couldn’t disagree with that. He watched as Robert began to unravel and wondered if it would do more damage than good to tell him the whole truth.
“I don’t know if I should tell you this,” Paddy said finally, “Aaron clearly didn’t want us to know. It was only that the guy let it slip as they were leaving, otherwise…”
“What?”
“This other inmate that’s been giving Aaron a hard time… he knows about Aaron…”
“That he’s gay?” Robert asked incredulously, “Yes we all know that.”
“No… he knows about Gordon. He called Aaron Livesy and said that his dad had given him a taste for older men.”
Robert stood there in shock, his brain refusing to process the unbelievable cruelty. They had found Aaron’s Achilles heel and they were using it to destroy him.
“Paddy he’ll kill himself,” Robert said feeling the panic rise within.
“No he won’t,” Paddy said firmly, “he’s got you, he’s got Liv and Chas and me, Adam and Vic and the mill.”
“Paddy you weren’t there,” Robert said, “the nights he woke up shaking and crying, all those times I couldn’t even touch him, that he was so upset he couldn’t even see me there… he’s eight years old Paddy, when he’s taken back there he’s eight years old and eight year old Aaron doesn’t have me or Liv or the mill or any of it.”
He felt Paddy’s firm grip on his shoulder grounding him, “I was just there Robert. He was a little sad and a little sore but he was still Aaron… our Aaron.”
“I have to call him,” Robert said, “I have to hear his voice to know.”
“It’s almost six o’clock,” Paddy pointed out, “He’ll probably call you. Just wait and see, you could make it worse by causing a scene.”
Robert nodded in agreement “Yeah ok, but if he doesn’t call…”
“Then you can go on your crusade,” Paddy reassured him, “but he’s going to call.”
…
Robert picked up his phone on the first ring, “Aaron.”
“Hiya,” came the small voice from the other end of the phone.
“God am I glad to hear your voice,” Robert said breathing a deep sigh of relief.
“Me too,” Aaron replied and Robert thought he sounded okay…not great but not as bad as he’d feared.
“Paddy dropped round,” Robert said cautiously broaching the subject.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Robert soldiered on, “he told me about that guy and about …Gordon.”
There was nothing but silence.
“Aaron?”
“Yeah I’m here,” came the small and tired reply.
“You want to talk about it?” Robert asked.
“Not really,” Aaron replied shakily, “Not like this.”
“This is all we have right now,” Robert pointed out, “and I’m worried about you.”
“I’m alright,” Aaron lied.
“You’re not,” Robert stated resulting in silence on the other end.
“This isn’t a good time to talk about this,” Aaron said finally and by the way he was controlling his voice Robert guessed there were other inmates in line for the phone.
“Okay,” Robert replied, “but sometime?”
“Yeah,” Aaron said gruffly but something about it told Robert he shouldn’t hold his breath… that it might be quite some time before he got the whole story.
“I love you,” Robert whispered.
“You too,” Aaron responded then, “look there’s a line, I’ve got to go.”
“Ok,” Robert said trying to keep his voice even, “be safe, alright? Cos I need you.”
“Yeah, me too.”
And with that the line went dead. Robert stayed staring at his phone well after the call had ended. It wasn’t enough… it was never enough.