Chapter Text

It was all his fault. He didn’t know it of course, wouldn’t, for many years. But he was the one who ignited the bomb that would end it all. There’s a clear and present danger in taking for granted that someone feels the same way you do about things. If he had known how Michael felt about it, he never would have done it...

Michael cuts up a couple of lines of coke and snorts one. Luci wishes he could stay here with Mikey forever. Three more days, then he'd have to put on his green beret and go back to the army again. Only three more days to bask in Michael’s presence, chasing girls and raising hell. “You gonna let me in on that? Or are you just gonna tease me with it?” he asks impatiently.

Mikey chuckles and gives him one of those brilliant smiles everyone falls for. He grabs Luci’s wrist and tugs him down on the sofa with him. “I got it just for you. Dig in,” he answers and hands Luci a rolled up 100 dollar bill.

Luci snorts a line, feeling the familiar numbing of his sinuses and throat, as well as the euphoric feeling hit almost instantly. Some people barely feel the rush. He is not one of them. Or maybe that is just because Mikey gets the best of the best stuff. He leans back and Mikey reaches for the cigarette pack and lighter on the table. Mikey lights a cigarette and throws the pack back. Luci lays down with his head in Mikey’s lap and Mikey puts the cigarette in his mouth for him, then starts carding fingers through his hair. “I don’t want to go back. I want to stay here with you,” he whines to Mikey and takes a drag on the cig.

“You don’t have to go back.”

Luci snorts a puff of smoke. “Yeah, I do, asshole. If I don't, they'll throw me in prison.”

“Alright. But don't do another tour after this then. Come home to me as soon as you can.”

“And do what? Dad won't let me come home. And I've been a soldier for so long now, I don’t know how to do anything else.”

“I'll take care of you. And I can buy you a flower shop, like you always talked about when we were young. Become a florist. Don’t mind dad. You can live here with me like you always do.”

A pipe dream. He dearly wants it. Usually he knows why it won't work in the long run. But under the influence of coke, with Mikey’s soft fingers carding his hair, it sounds great and viable. And hey? Maybe it is. He’s always had an affinity to see the negatives. He’s often wrong. He doesn’t really trust his own instincts.

“Dad’s on me about getting married,” Mikey complains.

“Oh yeah? And how's that gonna work? You can’t keep a relationship longer than a month,” Luci says with a smirk.

“I don’t know, Luci. I get infatuated easily enough. But after a week or two I can’t stand the sight of them anymore. If I’m going to get married I want it to be with someone who still makes my pulse skyrocket after a year. That I can’t get enough of touching, and who I long for every time I have to go out of town for work. I want that desperate feeling, that I’d do just about anything just to be with her. I want to really love her. You know?”

“Oh spare me. I'm the romantic one of us. And you keep fucking my girlfriends. I bet you'd be cheating your ass off even if you did find someone who matches your criterias.”

“Are you still mad about that? I did it for your sake. They weren't good enough for you, and you needed to see that.”

Luci grunts noncommittally and takes another drag on the cigarette, then taps the ashes off straight on the floor. “Why won't you let me decide if they're good enough the next time?”

“There'll never be anyone good enough for you. Never.”

It was such a foolish idea. But deep in the night, flying high on cocaine and champagne it seems like a brilliant one. After all, he and Gabe had done it a million times. A technique developed to lure the interest of women even in Michael’s presence. Otherwise, Mikey got all the attention. And no one knows they’re brothers here.

“Come on, Mikey. I'm asking you to stick your tongue in my mouth, not to let me stick my dick in your hole. It’s not so bad. Be a bro.”

“Oh god. Please don't talk about dicks going into holes in other guys, least of all mine. That’s just gross.”

“Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it,” Luci grins. Since Mikey is the only thoroughly hetero of the brothers, he, Gabe, and Cas often teased him about it. Unlike Cas, who’s unconditionally gay but totally unbothered by watching straight porn, Mikey is faintly disgusted by guys having sex. Before internet the brothers had made it a prime prank to switch out all Mikey’s porn to gay or bi stuff. Or hide gay porn pictures in inconvenient places like school books and lunchboxes. He isn’t homophobic though (that would have been awkward with three brothers all over the Kinsey scale), and didn’t have any problems with people ‘flaunting their sexuality’. He just squicked out by seeing any actual sex acts, not PDA. That’s being a prude, not a homophobe, to Luci’s mind.

Mikey grimaces and then runs a hand over his face, looking bothered. “Alright, alright. I'll do it. If you let me try it here first.”

“Why? It’s just a kiss?”

“Yes but it's weird and wrong, and what if I gag or make a fool of myself?”

Luci does a full body eyeroll. They’re in the club handicap bathroom, just having snorted another line of coke. “Fucking fine.” Kissing your brother to turn on girls and make them kiss each other in response is one thing. That’s putting on a show. Kissing him in a locked bathroom is something else entirely. It’s awkward, weird and wrong, just like Mikey said. Luci agrees with that. But he can deal. If Mikey needs it. He grabs Mikey by the neck and slots their mouths together. Michael is so stiff and tense it's laughable. “Fuck sake, Mikey. Reciprocate.”

“Alright, alright. Sorry.”

Luci does it again and this time Mikey opens his mouth and lets the tip of his tongue touch Luci’s. When Luci tries to make more of it Mikey’s tongue is pulled back.

“This is just pathetic. Forget I asked you to do this. We’re supposed to do it to turn women on. Not…” Luci makes a dismissive gesture and pulls back in annoyance. “I fucking hope that's not how you usually kiss, because if it is, I'm telling you, all the women that go for you instead of me are making a big mistake. But thanks for trying.” He turns towards the door to unlock it but Mikey grabs his wrist and pulls him back.

“Alright! Jesus. You want me to kiss like I'd kiss a girl?”

“That’s the idea, yeah. There’s no point if you are visibly grossed out about it.”

“You’re not grossed out?”

“No. Why the fuck should I be? It’s just a fucking kiss.”

“Alright. Alright. One more time, okay? I can do this.” Mikey takes a couple of deep breaths to steady himself. Then he slides a hand around Luci’s neck and pulls him in. It’s a real kiss this time. Proving that Michael aces tongue and lip action like he aces everything else. But something about it feels off. Maybe Mikey took ‘like you'd kiss a girl’ too literal. Maybe it's how gently one hand curls in his hair and one strokes his midriff. Maybe it's the small nibbles on his lower lip. Or maybe it's because it goes on for too fucking long. It feels good. Too good, according to his body, stirring his loins slightly and fluttering his heart in a disconcerting way. When it's over Lucifer is the one left wanting to gag. They’ve been accused of this all their life. Fucking incest. Despite how many times he’s kissed Gabe for show, or how indecently close he’s with Mikey, it’s the first time the word held any meaning.

They sleep in the same bed, share showers, sometimes jerk off to pornos side by side. The cuddle when they watch movies, sometimes have sex in the same room. Nothing of that feels like incest. Incest would imply sexual attraction to a brother. Something Luci’s never felt, hence he’d never had any problem kissing any of his brothers. (Although Cas would just laugh in his face if he suggested it.) But this time he’d been struggling not to get aroused and that horrifies him and makes him feel dirty.

“That good enough?” Mikey asks.

“Yep. That ought to do it,” Luci grins, hiding his panic. Maybe it’s the drugs. Or maybe it was how fucking intimate Mikey had made it. Gabe never made it that intimate. You made it fake, for show. You didn’t card lovingly through hair and added caressing touches. He can’t tell Mikey that. He had been the instigator of this so he couldn’t squick about it. Mikey could, but not he.

There’s four girls by the table, all focusing on Mikey of course. One even sitting in his lap. Luci is rendered a side attraction barely worth to be a consolation price. That’s what it’s like to go out with Mikey. But the girls are hot, and champagne is flowing. They’re laughing and flirting. They’re ready. Luci decides to go for it. “Hey girls,” He says, “How about ya’ll kiss for us. It’s so sexy.”

The girls giggle. “Only if you two kiss first,” one of them says, the others agreeing. Taking the bait - hook, line, and sinker. That’s how it goes. Girls with a certain type of mindset like this shit.

It works every time. Eve-ry ti-me! He turns towards Mikey, but Mikey’s ahead of him, leaning in and catches his jaw with a tender hand, then they’re kissing and it’s fucking good. Had Mikey not been his brother… but he is. A girl climbs into his lap, giving him a valid excuse for getting half hard, and keeping him from panicking. The girls cheers them on, dropping comments about how hot they are. He barely hears it because Mikey’s grip has shifted, preventing him from breaking the kiss like they should and again it's getting too fucking long. He’s grossed out and turned on at the same time. Fucking drugs and sexy women. Not a good combination for this. Messing with his sanity.

When it finally ends he turns to the girls and says “Your turn.” And as always, the girls make out, sitting in their laps no less. Of course they get the girls to come home with them and be fucked seven ways to Sunday. All four of them no less. And it should have ended there.

Would have, had Michael felt the same. But it didn't. (Or maybe it did and Lucifer just had one fucked up drunk dream. He’s not sure, to be honest, and herein lies the problem.)

The night before he’s to go back to the army they drink themselves shitfaced and fall asleep together in Mikey’s bed like they always do. Or rather Luci’s shitfaced, Mikey is nearly sober.

Lucifer wakes up naked. He’s pretty sure he wasn't when he fell asleep. Somebody is exploring his body with hands and rubbing themselves against his side.

“Mikey?”

“Sssh, it's okay.” Michael kisses his neck and grips his cock, already hard. “I figured out why I can't find anyone to love and can't allow you to either.”

“Mhm?” he moans and rolls his hips against the treatment he’s getting. Feels fucking fantastic and his drunken body doesn’t give a shit about anything except how it feels. “Ts wrong,” his traitorous mind supplies unhelpfully.

“I don’t care,” Mikey says and pinches his nipple, sucking a mark on his throat. “Just let it happen.”

“Mikey, nooo,” he whines, while his brain is warring with the physical gratification he’s getting, resistance exceedingly low, despite growing mental discomfort.

“I want you to give me this.”

And that’s all that matters. Always have been. There isn’t a world where Luci would deny Michael anything, not even this. So he dissociates, rolls on top of Mikey and kisses him while grinding against him. Things get real fucking heated after that, and feels fucking perfect. Dissociation gets lost in the beautiful reality of it happening. It may be wrong, but it feels fucking right.

Lucifer is more or less convinced it was a dream. He wakes up spooned by Mikey as usual, wearing his underwear, and nothing is out of the ordinary that morning so Luci doesn’t bring it up. In hindsight he should have. He should have established if it had happened. And if Mikey wanted that from him in the future. Or if Luci just had a weird sex dream and accosted him in his sleep. Maybe everything wouldn't have changed afterwards if he had. The only possible proof was a hickey on the neck. But he could have gotten it in the club before they came home. As drunk as he’d been… and he had made out with a cute freckled guy, even if he didn’t remember him sucking a hickey. Fucking freckles. Gets him every time.

As it stood they talked on the phone a couple of times and everything was as usual. Maybe the longing for Mikey was worse than before, and he had a couple of disconcerting wet dreams, but still. The same. Then… nothing. Word came through Cas that father had disowned Luci and threatened to do the same with any sibling that kept in contact. Cas and Gabe still did though, in secret. But not Michael. It was a gut punch so hard Luci felt like dying. The few times he managed to get Mikey on the phone, Mikey threw wild accusations at him. Said he was manipulative, lying, and played mind games. When Luci was wounded in battle and laid fighting for his life in the hospital, Cas and Gabe came. But not Michael. It was the worst heartbreak he'd ever experienced. He told himself he'd never forgive Michael for that. It was a lie. He'd take him back in a heartbeat. But that was before Dean.

Once he was discharged he had nowhere to go. He could go live with Cas in France, but he didn’t want to live in a country he didn’t speak the language of. Gabe was always travelling and didn't even own an apartment. So, like a homing pigeon, he went to Mikey’s apartment. Mikey had always been his true home anyway. Mikey wasn’t at home when he let himself in with his own set of keys. Instead he was met by possibly the most beautiful man he'd ever laid his eyes on. Butt naked save from a set of dog tags declaring him a soldier, holding a gun loosely in his hand. Lucifer had never believed in love at first sight until that moment. Turns out very straight Michael had gone and gotten himself a boyfriend. Dean was perfect in every sense of the word (to Luci’s mind) and Michael was slowly breaking him too. Shit got complicated after that.

It would take years before the true reason behind Luci’s disownment was uncovered to him. Dean, the sly little fucker, was the one to figure it out. And it started with that kiss in the bathroom…