Archive of Our Own

“does it ever hurt you to be such a big fucking liar, sunghoon?”

the words sliced through the silence of the dorm room, almost echoing before falling on sunghoon’s ears. 

it’s late, and the lights are dim but not off. sunghoon could have sworn the tv was on when he opened the door but it’s not making a sound now, the black screen granting him absolutely no distraction. sunoo is standing to the left of it, a few feet away from sunghoon, his hip leaning against the arm of their couch. 

sunghoon chances a glance up at his eyes before immediately looking at the ground beside him, stunned but not necessarily surprised by the fires he’d just seen. sunoo’s never been one to beat around the bush, or let things go. 

sunghoon figures he deserves it either way. 

sunoo scoffs, and sunghoon’s sure it’s because of how quickly he looked away, but he most definitely doesn’t have any defense for himself. not when he looks like this, his entire outfit and hair disheveled and messy. he’s sure there have to be stains along the collar and chest of his shirt, and distantly he wishes he’d thought to hide his state better. 

if he were to give himself any defense, he would argue some slack was due for doubting that anyone would be up when he got home. he was sure it was at least four in the morning, and they had scheduled the day before.

but the lovemark on his neck should have reminded him of who would be waiting for him when he got home, no matter how late. 

he’s not referring to the three visible on his neck now. the ones he allowed carelessly, because it wasn’t like it was out of the ordinary for idols to hook up with one another and for makeup stylists to cover it for them. these ones are acceptable, a commonplace. sunghoon knew he was attractive, and so did everyone else. of course he would have a few every now and then, and it was acceptable. everyone was suspicious of him and wonyoung anyway, and who would blame them for finally proving someone right. 

the one he’s referring to is a bit lower, settled on his collarbone where even the lowest swooping v neck wouldn’t reach. that one is the one that can never see the light of day, despite how much sunghoon thinks about it and the many others that came before it. that’s the one that’s the problem, because if anyone realized where, when, how, and who, everything would come crashing down around him at a faster pace than he could ever deep up with.

he was already crashing and burning enough, by himself, and the perpetrator was standing right before him, with his fox eyes staring in a sharp glare. 

sunoo’s hair was still wet from a shower, his arms crossed pointedly, even though sunghoon knew sunoo did that when he was angry to hide his shakes. it almost made him step forward to comfort the boy, but it only took two seconds following his first thought to remember why they were here in the first place, and his gut dropped. 

“nice jewelry.” sunoo added when he realized sunghoon wasn’t going to answer with just his opening statement. sunghoon’s neck- bare of all necklaces and chokers- burns. 

he knows he should just talk to sunoo. he could explain everything and he knows sunoo would get it. 

but he can’t. 

he most definitely can’t, because he did not come to any conclusion that he hoped he would tonight and he cannot bring himself to come to anything else. he just wants to lay down and sleep because that’s all the relief he gets from himself these days- brief trips into nothing that over the moment they start, before they’re all thrown into the chaos of their idol life again.

so he chooses to stay silent instead, toeing his shoes off and pretending like he normally wears them barefoot, as if he didn’t lose his socks in his escapade. he knows sunoo will notice, but if he’s lucky maybe sunoo will throw him a bone and not mention it.

“you disgust me, hyung.” sunoo bites, and sunghoon winces and stops in the middle of taking his last shoe off.

part of him wants to believe sunoo is talking about how severely sweaty and smelly his feet should be after walking all the way home without socks. that would be something even niki would call him gross for, and he would agree. but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures, right?

he knows what sunoo means, though. he should have known better than to wish for a free pass. 

“sunoo, go to bed.” sunghoon finally answers, all his inner thoughts tucked away into the safe corner of his brain. the corner that sunghoon usually retracts to when he gets like this, unwilling to think of any solution for the complete mess he’s thrown himself into.

he’s sure sunoo could drag them out if he tried hard enough, and he has before. but this time sunghoon doesn’t want him to. he just wants sunoo to go to bed, wants to be left alone to sit with things for at least while, if not forever. he definitely doesn’t want to fight tonight. 

he sighs, reaching up to pinch his nose bridge.

all sunghoon ever does is fight. with sunoo, with himself, with society. his battles never seem to end. all he wants is to peacefully belong somewhere, where no one can look at him and point him out for all the things he wants that are wrong. 

all the things he does wrong because of how badly he wants.

he wants so much, and it’s all wrong. why is it all wrong? is it so much to ask, for him to finally crave something right?

“fuck you.” sunoo answers defiantly instead, and sunghoon frustratedly pulls his shoe off and kicks it, not caring if it falls on a few of the other, organized pairs. that’s what his life is becoming anyway. “i would have gone to bed. a while ago, actually. if i didn’t realize how busy you were being the absolute worst.” 

sunghoon runs his hand up his forehead and through his hair, turning to fully face sunoo finally. 

he realizes his mistake quickly. 

sunoo is still mad. sunghoon can see that much, and it’s definitely intimidating. but what’s scarier is the way his eyes water, and sunghoon watches as sunoo blinks furiously for a moment when their eyes finally meet before the fires resettle there. 

half of his anger is performative, and sunghoon knows it. the other half is raw emotion, and sunghoon doesn’t want to pick apart what it is. 

(he knows what it is already, but he doesn’t dare admit it). 

he wishes he stayed looking away, but he’s in it now, and he’s more than sure he going to have to go down with the ship. 

“i don’t ever see you treating heeseung like this when he comes back from his hookups.” sunghoon answers harshly, even though he knows he and sunoo’s relationship is nothing like the one sunoo has with heeseung. nothing like the relationship sunoo has with anyone else, really. he knows he’s fucking up royally in all terms of the situation, but he also doesn’t care. “so excuse me for being defensive.” 

he doesn’t want to care. why does he always care so much?

sunghoon doesn’t miss the way sunoo’s shoulders droop a bit, or the way his toes curl as the realization sets in. 

of course sunoo knew where he was- everyone in the band knows when someone’s leaving for a hookup, and when they’re leaving for quite literally anything else. but the admittance of it isn’t common, and it should be less common now, and they both know it. the occurrence of the hookup should have even happened. not with the limbo sunghoon and sunoo have been sitting in for months now. 

“so you admit you were hooking up with someone?” sunoo’s words are harsh still, but sunghoon’s chest aches when the younger can’t hide the shake in his tone anymore. 

the knowledge of sunghoon’s bold faced lie when he left was obvious, but now he’s acknowledged it. now it’s real, and neither of them can act like it’s not.

now they can’t pretend, like they do with everything else. 

“it has nothing to do with you.” sunghoon decides carefully on his words, and this is what he settles on. it’s a bold faced lie, because everything sunghoon does has everything to do with sunoo, but he can’t admit that. 

it does hurt him, just in case sunoo was wondering, to be a big fat fucking liar. all he wants is it for to be easy to be with sunoo, but it’s not. he shouldn’t have let things get this far in the first place. he got too comfortable, and now he’s paying for it.

“bull fucking shit,” sunoo spits, and sunghoon’s not surprised it’s what he got, but it’s not the response he wanted. “it has everything to do with me. did you really think i wouldn’t give a fuck where you were? who you were with?”

sunoo pushes off the couch firmly, standing securely on his own now without the support of the couch. 

“you were just with me yesterday.” sunoo continues, and sunghoon cringes. is he that much of a sleaze? “of course it’s my business to know who you were with today. it’s a damn low blow, sunghoon.”

“yeah, well. you’re used to those, aren’t you?” sunghoon shoots back, and he knows it’s only bringing himself lower. he’s the one who’s dealt most of them, and he shouldn’t be proud of the fact that sunoo seemed numb to them up until now, when he did the thing he was sure would cut the deepest without a second thought. 

why is he so stubborn? and why doesn’t any of it make him care about sunoo any less? 

“i shouldn’t have to be.” sunoo answers quietly, and sunghoon is a bit surprised to hear this one. 

sunoo’s one to take whatever shit anyone throws at him and blame himself, and he’s done it since the first night they ended up in bed together. even if sunghoon is the one to rightfully apologize by the end of it all, this is the first time sunoo’s standing his ground without wavering, and the part of sunghoon that doesn’t feel like the worst person alive is proud of him for it. 

but the fury is still directed at him, and his growing respect for sunoo can’t change his actions, or the actions that are inevitably going to follow. 

it definitely doesn’t douse his aching urge to leave. 

so at that, he turns on his heel towards the kitchen, to grab a glass of water so he can at least hydrate himself before he sleeps. so his voice will be okay tomorrow. 

they have schedules. sunoo should be asleep, and so should sunghoon, regardless of any of it. he shouldn’t entertain this any longer, not any part of it. not the good parts, and definitely not the bad. 

definitely not this. 

“sunghoon,” sunoo calls after him but sunghoon doesn’t listen, rounding the corner and heading straight towards their glass cabinet. his head is running a million miles a minute, and even if he manages to get back to his room, he briefly wonders if he’ll be able to sleep.

if they don’t talk this out, he’ll be on his mattress alone. 

he can’t think of the last time he and sunoo both spent a night in the dorm without being next to each other. it’s been like that for as long as sunghoon can remember. 

last night they stayed in sunghoon’s room. sunoo looked up at him like he hung the moon, a hand tracing patterns on his chest. he laughed extra loud at sunghoon’s jokes, even when they weren’t funny. it’s a complete one eighty from tonight, but it’s sunghoon’s fault. 

yesterday sunoo looked at him like he could do no wrong. tonight sunghoon went to wonyoung’s, anyway. hes getting what he deserved, and maybe sunoo was right. 

maybe he really is the worst. 

his fingers curl around a glass as he pulls one from the cabinet, stepping to the side to fill it with water. he can hear sunoo’s quiet footsteps behind him, before falling silent somewhere by the entryway. he’s not surprised sunoo followed him, but the urge rising in his chest for some semblance of peace in quiet is raging, and it’s taking all he has in him not to scream at sunoo to leave just so he can have room to think again.

all either of them can hear is the faucet for a minute, but when sunghoon turns it off, sunoo speaks first.

“why do you do this to me, hyung?” 

his voice is so quiet, sunghoon almost misses it. he can hear sunoo sniffle afterwards, and sunghoon swallows harshly as he holds his glass shakily over the sink. he would move it to his lips if he wasn’t so afraid he would drop and break it, like he does everything else.

he sighs and closes his eyes, letting his head drop in defeat. 

he’s angry, and then he’s confused, and then he’s here, stuck with sunoo and all his mistakes, laid out in front of him with nowhere to run. 

why does he do anything? he wishes he could give sunoo some sort of answer, some kind of explanation. he doesn’t even understand himself, so how is he meant to explain all this messed up shit to sunoo? he should have more control over himself than this. 

“of course you don’t have an answer.” sunoo continues, and sunghoon can tell he’s really crying now, even if he can also hear how hard sunoo is trying to hide it. “you never do, do you? you sit here and string me along, like i’m not someone with living, breathing feelings. i’m asking you to give a fuck for once, sunghoon. one time, and you can’t even speak, or look at me.”

sunoo’s right, and sunghoon knows it. the explosion should have happened far earlier, if he’s being honest with himself. a talk between them has been long overdue, since the very first night sunoo fell into his arms and settled beneath his lips. 

but their dynamic has always been unspoken, just how sunghoon likes it. it was quiet and hidden, but it was natural.

sunghoon always knew what sunoo wanted, and sunoo always knew what he needed, even if sunghoon was unsure of himself more times than not. they were the sun and the moon, filling the gaps in one another and picking up the slack when the other lacked. 

when they were alone together, they made sense. sunghoon knew he belonged to sunoo more than he’d ever belonged to someone in his life, and it was quite possibly the only thing he’d ever been so sure of.

but just because it felt right didn’t mean it was right in practice. 

things that felt good in theory were just that– theory. real life wasn’t like that. it was cruel and harsh and unforgiving, and sunghoon knew that better than anyone. 

he found out quickly when he was alone on the ice. he knew it when he was alone at school until he pretended like he knew where he was supposed to fit, and everyone was relieved to see him play his part. he realized what it was like to be what he was supposed to be when he stood in front of his parents, nothing but a shell of all he wanted but a perfect prodigy of what was expected of him. 

nothing sunghoon wanted was right, except for his desire to be a singer. 

he had it now, and he wasn’t going to ruin it because of all he wanted that was still wrong, and no matter how much he wanted sunoo, it was still wrong. 

“there’s nothing for me to say.” sunghoon answers, carefully setting his glass on the counter next to the sink. he knows it’s going to hurt but he turns around anyway, choosing to stare at sunoo’s chest first, abounding looking to see his heartbreak. sunghoon’s sure that’s the expression there, even when he can’t see it. 

heartbreak. he feels it too. 

“you know we can’t do this, sunoo.” 

it’s the first words either of them have really ever spoken about what they have. the first real admittance of it, and it’s the acknowledgement on both sides of how badly it’s going down. 

how twisted is that?

“what the hell is that supposed to mean?” sunoo’s voice breaks again when he speaks, and when sunghoon finally looks up at him, he winces again at how terrible sunoo looks. 

not in terms of beauty– sunoo will always be gorgeous. but his eyes are dim and his lip wobbles dangerously. he’s holding back more tears as one slips down his cheek, and sunghoon fights the burning in his own eyes now, too. “we’ve been doing this, whatever it is. you don’t just decide to up and quit one day and act like it won’t affect me.”

sunoo meets his eyes, his arms uncrossed now and gripping the hem of his shirt to ground himself. his anger returns, but this time it’s not the projecting kind. it’s the kind that tears through sunghoon’s gut, making him feel nauseous. 

“do i really mean nothing to you? am i really that easy to throw away?” sunoo asks, and once he’s on a roll he doesn’t stop. “whoever you were with, are they-“

sunoo stops for a moment, his breath hitching before he continues with more certainty.

“are they that much better than me?” 

sunghoon cringes when this is what sunoo settles on, because he knows the worry is genuine. sunoo never feels like he’s good enough, and sunghoon has heard a million times how sunoo wishes he could be better, for anyone and anything. sunghoon never wanted to add to sunoo’s insecurity, but he’s really done it now.

he should have known that his pride in sunoo now only went so far, when he made a point to hit him the deepest. he’s breaking sunoo apart piece by piece, the easiest way he knows how, and sunoo’s right. why isn’t he doing more to stop it?

sunoo is everything to sunghoon, and he’s ruining him. it’s easy for sunoo to believe now that he’s not enough, that he never will be, and that he especially won’t be for sunghoon.

sunghoon is making sure of it, even if it’s the last thing he wants to know. 

what sunoo doesn’t know is that he’s more than enough for him. he’s everything sunghoon could ask for and more, but that’s exactly the problem. 

“did you think i wouldn’t feel like i’m being thrown away?” sunoo continues, and sunghoon leans back against the counter as he averts his eyes again, letting them drop to the floor. 

he can’t say nothing now. he doesn’t want sunoo to feel like trash, that’s how sunghoon deserves to feel. this is all so sunghoon can make sense of himself, so he can break himself down so it won’t hurt so bad when he never gets anything he wants. 

this isn’t about making sunoo feel unwanted. it’s been about making sunghoon hurt less when he realizes he can’t have what he wants, especially when all he wants is sunoo. 

“i’m not trying to make you feel thrown away, sunoo, i–“ sunghoon starts, but of course sunoo doesn’t let him finish. sunghoon can really blame him. 

“it doesn’t matter what you’re trying to do! you’re doing it!” sunoo interrupts, and sunghoon can see him take a few steps forward in his peripheral. “you’re hurting me, and you don’t even care.”

sunoo draws in a few breaths in the silence before he continues, taking another step closer. it scares sunghoon and he holds back a flinch, wanting to flee from sunoo but knowing he also needs nothing more than to be close to him, no matter the charged energy between them. 

it’s a stark contrast now from what he felt with wonyoung earlier. he repelled her naturally, yet tried to hold her close anyway. he’s drawn to sunoo subsciously, but the smart part of him knows he needs to run. 

“i thought if i gave you space, that maybe you would come to me. maybe you would say you wanted this, wanted something from me. i tried to give you time, to let you figure it out without me pushing anything on you. you and the other members knew exactly who i was from the start of this all, and the last thing i wanted was for me to seem like i was coming onto you just because you were there.” 

sunghoon remembers vividly the first few weeks of them as a group. sunoo had been brutally, unapologetically honest about who he was, what he was into. he made sure that the entire group would never feel weird about him, and the entire group made sure sunoo knew none of them would judge him for who he liked.

sunghoon admired him so much for being so unapologetically himself. he wished he had more guts to take after him then. he still wished so now.  

he wished he didn’t tear sunoo down, revert him back to the nervous boy who had been afraid to come out to all of them. doesn’t sunoo understand that their roles are reversed now? sunghoon is the coward. 

he knew from the start of this that sunoo liked him more than just him being there. there was a clear connection between them, and he would never wanted sunoo to believe that he was with him just because he was there, too. the thought never even crossed his mind, but he still can’t bring himself to interrupt again, as sunoo continues. 

“but fuck, sunghoon. if you don’t want me too, then you did a damn good job of faking it, and that fucking hurts.” sunoo chokes out, and sunghoon raises his gaze again to meet sunoo’s, hoping he can see how truly sorry he is. 

and he is so, so sorry. what kind of man is he? he barely knows himself anymore, because he won’t allow himself to just feel. 

he wonders what it’s like for sunoo to allow himself to feel like this. he wonders that if he let himself do the same, if he’d hold himself together any better.

he knows now matter how distraught sunoo is now, if he let himself, he’d fall apart harder. 

sunoo leaves room to him to speak, but at first sunghoon doesn’t. everything he could say would turn him too far in either direction, and even though one is obviously more appealing, sunghoon can’t think too deeply about what it means. 

he tries not to think about what all of the members would say if he gave into his desires about sunoo. they’d feel weird, probably. having a couple in the group would mess up the whole dynamic. it would be uncomfortable for them, and they would resent sunghoon for it, surely. they would think he was taking advantage of sunoo for sure.

he tries not to think of the conversations that would be had with the managers, the ndas and the secrecy of it. how taboo it would be. how it might not even be allowed that far. how maybe this entire thing could be stripped from him and sunoo even if they both admitted it was something they wanted. 

if it was be an idol or be together, sunghoon is sure of what they both would choose. why isn’t sunoo acknowledging any of this? the reality of it all?

sunghoon tries not to think of how disappointed his parents would be, after believing their whole life that sunghoon’s future partner would be some lovely, drop dead gorgeous girl. a woman who could match what everyone told sunghoon was his own ethereal beauty. 

everyone expected him to fill a part, and his part wasn’t like sunoo’s, no matter how badly he wanted to be completely entangled with him. he was supposed to be with someone like wonyoung. 

it’s not what he really wants, and what he’s supposed to be never is. 

“i’m not faking anything,” he weakly admits, his stomach dropping at his words. he doesn’t know if it’s too much, if it’ll lead him in the wrong direction. but he doesn’t want to injure sunoo beyond repair, and he fears if he doesn’t say something about, he’ll really fuck things up, “but this is doomed, and it’s been doomed from the start.”

he’s being more brutally honest than he thought he would be, but he also knows it’s not enough. knows it’s not enough because his own heart twists at the admittance of it, and it’s definitely not enough for sunoo, who’s face morphs into a glare yet again. 

he takes a few more dangerous steps towards sunghoon until he’s settled in front of him, and sunghoon looks up at him through his disheveled bangs, his inner lip bitten anxiously as sunoo continues. 

“this entire time, you’ve been pulling me along, and you seriously thought it was pointless from day one?” 

sunghoon can practically feel sunoo’s breath on his skin, from this close. he hates that it makes his stomach flip. 

“because it didn’t feel that way when you kissed me, sunghoon. it didn’t feel that way when you held me and confided in me, when you comforted me, when you turned to me more before anyone else. when you told me how grateful you were for me, to have me beside you.”

sunoo lifts a finger, and he presses it firmly against sunghoon’s chest, his finger nail digging through the thin material of sunghoon’s shirt. the pressure aches. 

“i gave you fucking everything, sunghoon. i trusted you. i let my guard down because i cared about you, and i thought you cared about me, too.”

sunoo is crying again, but it’s not tripping him up on his words anymore. he marches on like there aren’t tears running freely, and sunghoon feels like shit. 

“i thought you didn’t care about all the stupid shit, that you wanted me and this enough that you wouldn’t care about what everyone else thinks, about how scary it is to be in our a position.” sunoo drags in a deep breath, his finger pulling back briefly before he stabs it against sunghoon again, harshly. “but you care more than anyone else! even if it’s against every single fibre in your entire fucking existence, you care more and you fight it more and i can’t… i can’t fucking stand that, sunghoon!”

sunoo’s right. everything that sunghoon is by himself wants sunoo. he wants to give into him and fold, and has wanted to since long before he stepped through the door to go to wonyoung’s.

but he still went to wonyoung’s, didn’t he?

he went because he wanted all of this to go away, for things to be easy. for it to be easy for him and sunoo, so they could move on and pretend to be like how everyone wanted them to be.

so sunghoon could continue to be the perfect version of himself that everyone but sunoo expected. 

“you fight against yourself, and you fight against me like you don’t end up in my arms every time you fall apart. i’m sick and tired, hyung.” sunoo’s shoulders sag again as he lets out a deep sigh, his brows furrowing upwards as if he’s pleading with sunghoon. 

sunghoon knows that in a way, he is. 

“i’m tired of you. why do you make it so difficult?” sunoo finishes, and sunghoon knows sunoo knows the answer even without him explaining it, but it doesn’t change the outcome. he still wants sunoo to let it go, to let him be so he can pretend.

and sunghoon loves to pretend. 

it’s easier when sunoo is at a distance. when he doesn’t have to face him right after trying to fix himself. 

he feels all his progress going down the drain, but at the same time, did he make any progress at all?

he remembers all too clearly how wrong wonyoung’s hands felt all over him, how much he hated having her under him. he knows she wasn’t satisfied when he left, either, but he did something normal for once, didn’t he? he put sunoo behind him and he was a man. he acted like a normal idol, and even if he hated every second of it, he still did it. 

who was sunoo to drag him back to the ground floor? who was he to look him in the eye and beg him to admit how much he truly cared when he couldn’t. 

sunghoon is wrong for how he feels and he knows it. why doesn’t sunoo know it, too? he should get out while he can.

“then leave me.” 

sunghoon decides on this, his heart pounding against the finger sunoo still has against his chest. he doesn’t want to say it, but if sunoo leaves now, then it’ll all be over.

sunoo sucks in a breath, and sunghoon almost misses the way his lip trembles before he pulls it between his teeth. for a second, he lets himself believe that sunoo will make it easy. that they can tear this down and destroy it all in one foul swoop. that they can admit that sunoo deserves better, and they can hurt for a while before they inevitably get over it.

a distant part of him knows no matter what happens, they will never be over it. whatever it is. 

sunoo’s finger releases slightly from sunghoon’s chest, and even though sunghoon should be relieved, he can feel the way the lack of contact makes him feel like he’s falling through empty space. 

he should want sunoo to leave. 

but it’s barely another second before sunoo’s entire hand flattens out and pushes against sunghoon’s chest, his forehead falling forward against sunghoon’s shoulder. sunghoon’s breath leaves him briefly, and he lifts his eyes to look anywhere but sunoo, feeling his resolve start to crumble. 

sunoo steps in close, and he’s leaning against sunghoon completely now. it’s making sunghoon feel suffocated, but not in a bad way, and his breath hitches when he hears sunoo splutter out a sob against his collarbone, right beside where he’d left the lovemark the night before. 

“i can’t, hyung,” sunoo mutters, and sunghoon feels his heart shatter because he knows it all too well. he knows it doesn’t matter how this argument ends because sunoo is in this band with him, and sunoo cares about him, and if he can’t get away from him… sunghoon will never stop wanting him, either. sunoo is inescapable. “i don’t want to. i just want you… why don’t you want me bad enough, too?” 

sunghoon is tired of telling himself the truth, but he knows it anyway. he wants sunoo so bad he would do anything for him, but he doesn’t have the power to change the way the world is. the way the people around them are. 

still, when he’s alone with sunoo like this, he always wants to give in and pretend like it’s okay. he’s tried to do it all night, when he left for wonyoung’s and came back and tried to pretend like this was better for them.

but he doesn’t want to hurt sunoo. not when he’s holding onto him like this, like sunghoon is the only one who can fix it.

who is sunghoon not to fix it?

he’s a mess, a whole and complete one, confusing and all. but he loves sunoo, and it’s the overwhelming ache in his chest that brings his arms up to wrap around the other boys torso, dragging him flush against him as he sobs. 

“i’m sorry, sunoo,” he breathes, titling his head to press his nose gently against sunoo’s soft hair. it’s a bit more dry now, smelling freshly of shampoo.

it’s one of sunghoon’s favorite scents in the entire world. 

“i… i just don’t know how it doesn’t terrify you.” sunghoon admits, his breath shaking as he draws it in. 

he knows sunoo’s always known he was scared, but it’s the first time either one of them is really acknowledging the road block, now that it’s threatening to tear them apart for good. 

“i’m not brave like you.” he finishes, his eyes slipping shut as he holds sunoo close.

sunoo still shakes against him, his lungs stuttering as he tilts his head back just enough to breathe a little better. his sobs are barely letting up, and his hands are clutching sunghoon’s shirt like a vice, but when he speaks, he’s sure.

“i’m not asking you to be brave,” sunoo pleads, pressing his forehead weakly against sunghoon’s neck, “i’m just asking you to be mine. it doesn’t have to involve anyone else.”

sunghoon’s frowns at this, a trembling hand running up and down sunoo’s back. he would love for it to work like that, but he also knows that no matter how badly sunoo desires him, he deserves the world, and sunghoon hasn’t even been giving him the smallest bit he has to offer. 

he tells him such.

“you deserve better than that.” 

sunoo presses his face against sunghoon’s skin as another sob wracks through him, and sunghoon tilts his head back a bit so he won’t cry, too. he doesn’t want to make sunoo feel like this, but it’s the truth, isn’t it?

“you deserve better, too.” sunoo finally answers, albeit shakily when some of his sobs calm down. one of his hands moves to run along sunghoon’s bicep. it raises goosebumps on his skin, as sunoo continues. “you deserve more than what you give yourself, hyung.”

sunghoon squeezes his eyes shut, feeling dizzy. 

“i know you’re scared, but i don’t understand why you make it worse for yourself.” sunoo’s voice is like honey even as it cracks, his hand gripping sunghoon’s bicep gently. “you make it worse for me, too. i know you know that, so why?”

he can hear sunoo’s desperation, and he keeps his eyes closed in hopes that the tears he can feel finally building don’t come out. 

“it’s not who im supposed to be, sunoo. none of this is right, i…” sunghoon’s voice doesn’t even feel like his own, small and weak, and he feels wrong admitting this out loud when he’s pushed it down for so long. he’s never experienced what it’s like to not ignore it. he doesn’t know if he hates if, or if he feels more relieved that he ever has in his life. “i’m not the person i need to be.”

sunghoon can feel it as a tear escapes his eye even closed, rolling pitifully down his cheek. he’s sure it lands somewhere on sunoo’s soft locks. 

“and who is he?”

sunoo’s voice freezes sunghoon, his hand on sunoo’s back slowing to a stop. he should really know himself better than this, and sunghoon knows it. 

“who you’re meant to be…” sunoo continues, and sunghoon can feel it as sunoo leans his head back from where it was previously tucked into his neck. “is it the sunghoon you want? the sunghoon that you really are. or is it just the sunghoon everyone else expects.”

sunoo’s voice is gentle and kind, but his words slice through sunghoon like a knife. 

he’s let people control him his whole life, in nearly every aspect. the only thing he ever did fully for himself was give up ice skating to become a singer, and he’s lucky he succeeded in it and gained his parents trust back. 

what would they think if they saw him like this now? 

“you have to know when you can draw a line. because this isn’t healthy.” sunoo finishes, and sunghoon opens his eyes finally to bite his lip, still staring at the ceiling.

it isn’t what he wants though, and he knows it. this confusion, this desperate need to get away from who he actually is. it’s never been what he’s wanted, and he’s been running from himself his whole life. 

and now it’s not just himself anymore, either. he’s running from sunoo, too.

he tilts his head back down to meet sunoo’s watery eyes again, his hands running down the boy’s sides to rest on his hips. 

“i’m sorry,” he apologizes again, watching as sunoo gives him a sad smile in response, “i didn’t and don’t mean to hurt you, i just…”

sunghoon trails off, looking away for a moment before he decides something with himself.

he’s tired of running, tired of being alone. here sunoo is, in front of him, begging to understand. he’s been wanting to understand, for a long time, and sunghoon has only ever denied him.

he doesn’t deserve someone as good as sunoo, and he never has. but he’s sick and tired of pretending like he doesn’t want him, when he’s right here, begging to be there. 

“i thought that if i went with wonyoung, that maybe it would take it away. that i could want what everyone else does.” sunghoon starts, and when he looks back at sunoo he doesn’t miss the way jealousy flashes across his face briefly. maybe he shouldn’t have brought her name into the conversation, but he needs sunoo to know everything. to understand why he hurt him, why he tried to ruin everything seemingly without a reason. “you know it better than anyone else, that… that it’s easier, for people in our position, to just act like everyone else.”

sunghoon sighs, understanding a bit more now that he says it out loud how stupid he sounds. why does he care so much what people think? and since when did it get so bad, to the point that he became just plain stupid?

tears pool in his eyes again, and he frowns as he looks at sunoo desperately. 

“and i thought being with her would make me want her, because fuck, sunoo, she’s gorgeous. everyone knows it, and they all think we’d be perfect and in theory it should work out like that. everything should just fall into place and be easy, but i hated being with her and she’s not…” sunghoon trails off, his eyes studying sunoo’s face as if he would forget it if he looked away again. “she’s not you.” 

sunoo’s eyes flutter up to his again at the admittance, shining in the low light of the kitchen. he’s looking at sunghoon again like he did yesterday, but this time it goes deeper, and sunghoon’s stomach is doing those little flips again. 

“i don’t want her because i love you.” 

he seals the deal there, his chest contracting painfully as he admits it. 

it’s hard, but it’s the truth. it goes against everything he’s told himself to do, since he started this whole idol thing, but he can’t help it. 

he’s in love with kim sunoo. 

it’s this that really breaks him down, and he almost coughs in surprise when the first sob makes it’s way through his body, tears slipping freely from his eyes now. 

“i shouldn’t have gone and i’m sorry. i was stupid i just… i thought it would be easier that way, for everyone, if i just… i love you, sunoo. why can’t i just be in love with you?” sunghoon asks desperately, and sunoo pulls him in even closer again, pulling sunghoon’s head against his shoulder now. his hand runs through sunghoon’s hair, soothing him with the steady rhythm and gentle tug.

sunoo’s everything sunghoon’s ever wanted and more. he’s the only thing that can comfort sunghoon when he’s like this, and he’s spent months trying to run from admitting in. 

it’s out in the open now, and his body shakes as he lets it out, crying into sunoo’s collarbone in the middle of their dorm. 

“it’s okay, sunghoon. you’re okay…” sunoo whispers, and sunghoon can feel him pressing a short kiss to the top of his head. “i…” 

there’s a small pause, and sunghoon wonders briefly if he’s really fucked it all up. he’s explained himself now, but is it enough? does it really justify how much of an asshole he’s been through this whole thing?

“i love you, too, okay? i understand, i just…” sunoo trails off again, but he catches himself more quickly this time. “you need to stop this. stop trying to destroy yourself when i’m right here. you can confide in me.” 

sunghoon lets out a sob of relief at sunoo’s words and his body almost goes limp in sunoo’s arm as he continues to cry, sunoo holding onto him a little more tightly. 

he doesn’t deserve forgiveness, and he doesn’t know why he gets it. if he were a third party, he would have told sunoo to run a long time ago. he wasn’t someone to be trusted.

but sunoo is in front of him anyway, holding him and pressing kisses to his head and whispering to him that he won’t leave. that he loves him and that even if sunghoon is a big stubborn idiot, he’ll be by his side.

what kind of hero was sunghoon in his past life to have been granted such grace in this universe?

he isn’t sure how long he cries, sunoo rubbing his back the whole time. he just knows that when he finally sucks in a deep breath and pulls his head away, there’s a deep ache behind his forehead, and his eyes are swollen and sticky. 

sunoo looks at him like he’s kicked a puppy, but there’s also so so much love there, and sunghoon hopes sunoo sees how much he reflects it.

“i’m sorry,” he mutters again, hoping sunoo knows how much he means it, “i should have come to you. i didn’t mean to worry you. or to confuse you. i shouldn’t have hurt you like that.”

sunoo smiles again, and even though there’s still pain there, there’s also understanding and forgiveness as he brushes some of the hair back from sunghoon’s face. 

“i know.” he says sweetly, and sunghoon is pretty sure sunoo’s voice is the last thing he wants to hear before he dies. he never wants to stop listening to it for the remainder of the time he’s alive and breathing on this earth. “lets just get you to bed, okay?”

sunghoon nods, and he grabs sunoo’s hand weakly when sunoo reaches for his, leading his out of the kitchen and down the hall towards sunghoon’s room. 

everything is quiet, and sunghoon doesn’t even notice a single light from heeseung or jake’s room, despite their shared tendency to stay up late and game. he’s sure it must be almost five in the morning by now, and he briefly thinks about their schedules the next morning. they’re not ridiculously early, but it’s early enough for him to cringe.

when they reach sunghoon’s room, sunoo’s quick to help sunghoon to bed, like the sweet boy that he is. sunghoon revels in every second of it, and even if he would have no problem taking off his shirt by himself, he lets sunoo help him anyway. he doesn’t miss the way sunoo’s eyes linger on the singular hickey on his collarbone, pointedly ignoring the others by wonyoung that sunghoon wishes he could ignore himself. he lets sunoo tuck him in, pushing his hair back again and kissing his forehead.

he knows he doesn’t deserve it. all of sunoo’s kindness should be reserved for anyone but him, especially with how he acted today and all the days before it. sunoo is better than sunghoon could have ever asked for, and he chooses to stay with someone as broken as sunghoon is anyway.

when sunoo turns to leave, sunghoon knows he should let him go. they both should take some space, let everything settle in so they can have a proper conversation about this when it’s not the wee hours of the morning and they’re both emotionally exhausted. when he can give more than a sob into sunoo’s shoulder and rushed apology, no matter how much he means every sorry. 

but he can’t let him go, anyway.

sunghoon’s hand flies out to sunoo’s wrist when he turns to leave, and he’s surprised by how quick sunoo’s head turns back to him, his eyes shining with hope.

there’s a lot more to talk about. they’ve only just scratched the surface– of sunghoon’s internal battle, of his feelings. of the hurt and betrayal sunoo must’ve felt and probably still feels. of everything that transpired in the months before that led them to this night. 

maybe tomorrow, or another day- sometime soon, he hopes- they can really talk about what this all means for them. maybe they can be together, without sunghoon having to turn to his worst vices.

but sunghoon doesn’t want sunoo to doubt him, especially not tonight. there’s a lot to discuss, but he’s not ready to be alone to think about it tonight, and judging by sunoo’s face, he can tell he isn’t, either.

“stay?” he asks weakly, and maybe it’s the most cliche and pitiful thing he’s ever done. it makes him feel like a stupid love struck fool, and he’s sure if anyone else saw them now, they’d judge him to the ends of the earth.

before, even privately, he would have run from a moment like this. now, he wants nothing more than for the cliche pieces to fall into place.

sunoo doesn’t disappoint.

he nods, and sunghoon lets out a breath of relief as the boy slips under the covers next to him, cuddling close and slotting himself next to sunghoon just where he’s always belonged. 

sunghoon’s not completely over it. he knows the morning will remind him of the reality he’s paid so much attention to for so long, and there will be bigger questions for the both of them to really think about. 

loving someone as an idol is hard. loving a boy- as a boy- is even harder. but sunghoon can’t and won’t do it anymore, at least not alone.

he needs sunoo beside him, just like he’s always belonged. no matter how hard he tries, he’ll never be able to stay done with him, and he hopes he never has to. 

he doesn’t know who he’s supposed to be, but he knows who he’s supposed to be with. 

if sunghoon is silver, sunoo is gold. if sunghoon is winter, sunoo is summer. they may contrast each other, but one cannot exist without the other. sunghoon never wants to exist in a world where he isn’t beside sunoo, and he’s tired of pretending like he wants to. 

he won’t pretend anymore, and despite everything he falls asleep with sunoo tucked carefully against his chest. 

right where he belongs.