Chapter Text
It all started so innocently,
written before the movie.
What could possibly go wrong with that?
All aboard the Feels Express!
Steve is made of feelings and muscles.
(Steve/art! This pairing has consumed me.)
Thor is a Golden Retriever puppy
(Asgardians are party animals).
Tony doesn't have issues, he has a subscription
("Living Down to Expectations").
Clint lives in the air ducts,
which is a little skewed and a lot repressed.
Everything would be sadness without Natasha
kicking all the ass.
Bruce is better behaved than you think (emotionally speaking),
solving life's problems with science.
The Avengers are appallingly immature sometimes...
Poker between egotistical superheroes is never a good idea.
(Pepper and Natasha trash talk each other and play video games.)
Repeat after me: "The Arc Reactor is not a nightlight."
(Hawkeye - it's not a toy!
Pepper can kill you with a shoe....)
Loki could kick Thor and Captain America's asses at table tennis!
(Thor nobly sacrifices his clothes to protect Steve's virtue;
Steve's smile can bake apple pie.)
Darcy just wants Loki to watch a goddamn Disney movie,
and then hulk makes her a rose out of stop signs.
(Now someone go tell Bruce.)
Clint F. Barton does NOT pole dance -
Thor, that is not how you use a gun!
(Tony probably hasn't created a clone army just to annoy Natasha, but it's only a matter of time.)
Assassin war games
in the ceiling,
and then it got out of hand....
(JARVIS learns to sigh)
Supernanny Coulson,
near death experiences do not exclude you from paperwork.
Everyone in the Avengers Verse needs more love,
right in the pheels!
Loki does what he wants
and is also a ventriloquist
because author makes stuff up like that for fun. :)
Bucky is the plucky anti-hero,
fighting the mind control!
Rhodey thinks Tony kidnapped Bruce.
(It's really only slashy if you're in my brain with me.)
Darcy being Darcy
comes with a built in apology,
plus Coulson!
Somehow Jane and Darcy time travel.
(Oops I trousered my timeline!
How did this happen?)
Damn you Avengers! I don't have time for this.
Fury has a mission to kick your ass--and clearance for it.
Go the fuck to sleep!
Mythology in-jokes,
noodle incidents,
suit porn,
gratuitous shawarma:
Marvel does not approve of this, and neither does Norway.
(The author regrets nothing!)
Avengers Tower is basically a giant clubhouse,
chopping and changing mythology like nobody's business.
Give me a universe and I shall play with it!
(Who doesn't want to hug Captain America?...
Happy birthday Hulk!)
Maria isn’t being paid enough,
and Pepper and Bruce watch from the sidelines and snigger.
Fury wonders how this is his life.
From henceforth the Avengers are banned from doing anything ever again
until they do
mission reports.