Chapter Text
EPOV
Two weeks after I quit drinking, I saw Seth downtown just outside the diner. He sounded surprised when he told me I looked good. I told him then that I was considering AA--emphasis on considering--and that I had been trying to get outside more; get more fresh air and sunshine. He didn’t miss a beat when he asked if I’d like to join him for a hike the next day.
I started hiking most days after that morning with Seth, which helped me put mu life into perspective. It’s not as if I never exercised because I did go to the gym with Emmett a couple of times a week, but my morning hikes helped me begin to understand what Leah loved so much about her consistent daily workouts. My mornings became: feed Bella, make coffee, smoke a cigarette, drink coffee, smoke another cigarette, change clothes, smoke a cigarette, hike. I’d have breakfast after I came back to the cabin. The repetition was as cognitively soothing as the daily hikes were physically calming. I’d even started composing regularly.
Then one morning I ran into Emily at the grocery store. She told me about Sam and Leah’s big news. I was genuinely happy for Leah. At home that afternoon, I wondered how she felt about the move, though, as I made dinner for myself and for Bella. And for the thirty-second time that week I wished I had whiskey, but instead I popped in some music to help my mind relax.
I was lying across the sofa, pulling nicotine into my lungs in a slow and steady rhythm; Bella curled in a ball on my chest, when Leah called. As we spoke in terse sentences, I let the affect of her wash over me, and I acknowledged that there was no way I was letting her leave without talking to her in person. There were things I needed to say to her. I had considered all aspects of them each morning on my hikes and whenever I sat down with a cup of coffee and a cigarette.
I needed to tell her that I had made mistake after mistake, starting with the one I made the night I met her; I knew I should have left her alone that night. I needed her to know that I accepted the responsibility for fucking things up between us. I needed her to know that I was sorry and that I wished for only the very best in life for her.
I took another drag from the twenty-fifth cigarette I had smoked that day as I waited for her to agree to see me. Being sober had taught me to count. There are twelve steps, I hadn’t had a drink in forty-two days, and I was contemplating my twenty-sixth cigarette as I stubbed out number twenty-five. Being sober was also teaching me patience. I’d asked when I could see her, and waited until she agreed to do just that.
“I have Monday off,” she offered, and I was excessively relieved.
“Good,” I replied, delicately twirling Bella’s tail around my finger. “Why don’t you come over? I’ll make coffee.”
Leah joked about me being a teetotaler because of the offer of coffee. She I thought maybe Seth had told her that I'd quit drinking, but judging by the tone in her voice and her subsequent reaction to my admission, it was an utter surprise to her.
There was a brief moment when I felt that tension again. We were head to head, adrenaline and tension pushing us toward another uncontrolled emotional explosion. But I was determined to do this the right way. I wasn’t going to back down. I had let her drive for months because I was too much of a coward to stand up for what I thought was right; I wouldn’t go with my gut because I was too afraid of where it would take me. And then I would blame Leah for doing her best to keep our shit together.
She finally admitted that she was pissed, but her tone was a half-hearted anger. She even sounded a little bit impressed. Or maybe that was just me projecting my hope that she could be as happy for my progress as I was for hers.
I didn't blame her for being angry, though. She had spent months, caring for me and my home and my cat in a way I never had, all because I was too afraid to do it myself. She had invested so much of herself in me and I never gave her the appreciation she deserved. I never thanked her or apologized when I'd detroyed her sandcastles and attempts to make us a family. And I resented her for the practical choices she'd make because I didn't want to admit that she was right and I wasn't worthy.
When she offered to bring Congdon'd I was instantly floating back in those cool mornings on the deck, Leah in my lap while I fed her bear claws and kissed her neck. She’d laugh and talk about her family and work. She’d lick the sugared glaze from my fingers and I’d put my hands between her legs while she drove us home.
On Monday morning, when I walked down the path from the woods to the cabin, I found Leah sitting on the tailgate of her truck, swinging her legs, holding a paper bag in her lap. She looked like a young, sweet girl, fresh-faced and buoyant. I wanted to freeze that moment in time.
“Hey.” Her voice was high-pitched and nervous. I smiled as she gracefully slid from her seat on the bed of her truck and tucked her hair behind her ear--so delicate and beautiful. I wanted to touch her.
“Hey,” I responded, coming to a stop in front of her. But I was obviously too close, because she shifted her weight and took a step back. She didn’t look away, though, she held my gaze.
I self-consciously ruffled my hair and shoved my free hand in the left front pocket of my jeans. I wanted to touch her, but I knew better than to do it.
“Nice haircut.” She arched a brow and, I think, blushed slightly before grinning down at the bag in her hands. When she looked back into my eyes, the morning sun made her radiant and divine. I couldn’t remember the last time she'd looked at me that way--kind, unguarded, carefree--but it was a welcome sight. I felt a lump in my throat and a small pit form in my gut.
“It’s short. And you look like you’ve been tanning or something.” She laughed lightly and rocked onto the balls of her feet.
“It is short,” I nodded in agreement, easily smiling back at her. “But, no, I’m not tanning, just spending a lot of time outside lately.”
We stood in silence for a moment, tension beginning to creep in, before I invited her inside.
I took a shaky breath and nodded toward the cabin. “Come on; I’ll make coffee.”
We walked up the few steps onto the deck and I slid open the door for us to walk through. The lumps in my throat and my gut grew more firm, as Leah made no attempt to disguise her awe at how the cabin looked. Then another feeling, pride, accompanied the awkwardness.
Leah set the bag of donuts in the center of the kitchen table and fidgeted while I made coffee. I found this at once endearing and unsettling because Leah didn’t ever fidget. So, I averted my eyes from her discomfort and silently willed the coffee maker to do its job faster in order to give us both something neutral to do, like drink the damn coffee.
“I’ll get us some plates,” Leah said, sounding confident and like she'd come up with a solution. She strode across the floor and reached for the cabinet where the plates used to live.
“Oh, sorry,” I said, reaching for the new home for the plates. “I moved them. I find myself with a lot of time on my hands.”
I handed her a few plates and small stack of paper napkins from the countertop, trying to sound casual and relaxed and asking her to have a seat. Thankfully, Bella saved the day by showing up and curling around Leah’s feet over and over until Leah relaxed enough to sit down. Bella hopped up on her lap and put her front paws on her chest.
“Oh, my God, did you get her teeth cleaned?” Leah marveled at Bella’s shiny new registration tag and apparent clean bill of health.
“Yeah.” I smiled as I set mugs, cream, and sugar on the table. “The vet says she looks good, but she did need to get her teeth cleaned. They were pretty gross.”
I turned back to the Cuisinart when it beeped, signaling the blessed end of the cycle. Leah reached around Bella, muttering silly, sweet things to her and pulling the bear claws from the paper bag. I pulled the insulated carafe from the machine and glanced over my shoulder to see Leah nuzzling faces with Bella.
My father and I had been spending some time together lately. I sought his advice and support once I was sober enough to recognize that I needed it. I was weighing the merits of a lot of what he had said to me, and I was taking a lot of the steps he’d recommended. I wasn't quite back to the point in my life when I would have taken Carlisle’s advice about anything without a doubt, but I was listening. One thing he would never be right about was Leah. I would never believe that she wasn't patient and kind. Carlisle didn’t see her the way I saw her.
“So…” I set the carafe in the middle of the table and pulled a chair out to sit down. “Tell me about the new gig.”
Leah held Bella’s face in her hands and lovingly rubbed her fur, but her eyes followed me warily, as I poured coffee into mugs for us to drink. This was a first for us, but I was sure we could sit and talk like mature adults whether she was sure or not.
“Well, I guess you know I went into the CrossFit business with Sam.” Leah’s face held a hint of bait for a challenge. She had seemed annoyed that I knew about her moving, but I wasn’t going to veer off-track. I simply nodded and stirred cream and sugar into my own coffee.
“I saw Emily on Saturday at the grocery store. She told me you were moving to Portland to start up a new studio.” I didn’t mention anything Seth had ever told me about her because everything he'd ever said was usually tangential to the real topics of conversation. "Are you looking forward to the move?"
"I am," she said, sounding and looking surprised by her own answer. She bubbled with enthusiasm as she told me about her new apartment, which she described as "cute", and the new office and neighborhood. She talked excitedly, petting and fluffing Bella's fur, while Bella lolled around in her lap
“How ‘bout you?” she asked, popping a piece of the sugary donut into her mouth. She smirked good-naturedly, then, and mumbled around the food in her mouth. “I mean besides the enormous switches of not drinking and actually noticing you have a cat and a home to tend to.”
We each did that release of tension laugh since Leah, true to form, addressed the elephant in the room for what it was. She was just teasing me, though I deserved the dig. It was obvious that she was impressed with the changes in my behavior.
I told her about a new piece I was working on for a new TV show and another for a local business's ad campaign, and we continued to devour our bear claws. Leah knew I wasn’t usually jazzed about the TV work, but she seemed pleased to hear I was doing something.
“That’s great.” Leah smiled and wiped her fingers on her napkin since she was done with her bear claw, and Bella hopped down from her lap. Then the awkwardness seeped back into the room; without donuts and Bella, we seemed sort of at a loss.
I wiped my own fingers on my napkin, wishing Leah could lick them clean, but that wasn’t going to happen. I noticed then that her arms were rod-stiff next to her sides and her fingers gripped the edges of the wooden seat. I assumed that if I could see her knuckles they’d have been stressed white.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you.” My admission was abrupt and quiet, but there was no doubt she heard me. She exhaled a gust of air and closed her eyes, slightly caving in on herself.
“I was selfish and cruel, and I never intended to treat you that way.” Leah kept her eyes closed tight as she listened. Her lip was pulled tight between her teeth and her head was tilted as if she were straining to hear me, or my words were a strain on her, but I continued.
“I will never be able to take back the things I did and said, but I needed to say that I am sorry for hurting you.” She breathed steady and deep as she slowly opened her eyes. “You’re one of the best people I’ve ever known, and you don’t deserve what I put you through.”
Her gaze found mine, and her eyes were soft and quiet, so I finished my apology in suit.
“You deserved better than me.”
I spoke my truth without pride or shame. It was fact, pure and simple. I had said the exact words I wanted to say, so I was quiet. I also wanted to give her a chance to respond, but she remained silent, sitting at the edge of her seat, hands gripping the wooden chair, breath slow and steady.
“Do you need me to accept your apology?” Leah’s voice was softer than I had heard it in a very long time. The last time I'd heard her voice so soft I was on my knees and she was spread before me, wet and open, sighing on the edge of my parents’ beach house tub. “Is that how this works?”
I shook my head. I wasn’t going to ask her for anything else, but I think she needed to hear those words as much as I needed to say them. “I’m not asking anything of you beyond what you’ve already given. You came here and you listened. That’s I'd hoped for.”
She inhaled and exhaled slowly through her lightly sugared lips. Her eyes were closed again, her long, thick lashes casting a delicate shadow on the curves of her high and prominent cheekbones. She rolled her head back, exposing her elegant neck and collarbones. Leah had always been one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen.
She cleared her throat and brought her head and neck straight, opening her eyes, as she spoke and her breath shook. “I’m sorry, too... I’m sorry I wasn’t nicer and more patient.” She shook her head and licked her lips to stop the trembling that had already started beyond her will.
I reached across the table before I could think of what to do. I took one of her hands in mine and started talking again.
“Lee, I never gave you a chance to be nice.” It was comical to think she owed me niceties or apologies. “You were just doing what you could to keep it together. I can’t believe you didn’t just snap and fucking murder me in my sleep.”
She laughed through the shimmer of tears that I had only seen once before--the day she left me. I wasn’t going to get caught up in how much I hated that I made her cry, and I didn’t want her to keep crying; we needed to move past that.
“Thank you,” I said, squeezing her hand in mine. “For agreeing to come here, for listening to me, for everything.”
I meant everything--her kindness, her voice, her skin, her patience, and her heart--and judging by the look on her face, I think she understood what I was saying.
“Well…” She paused and tossed her hair over her shoulder and sniffled quietly. She appeared to be weighing her words carefully. “Thank you, too, Edward.”
She smiled timidly. Leah, timid, calling me Edward, just about knocked me out of my fucking chair and onto my ass. I thought back about the night I met her and watched her get herself off with a vibrator. I thought about every surface in this cabin being covered in our fucking and Leah shouting my name. I thought about how far away the badness was right then and how I could finally celebrate the good.
My eyes refocused once again on the gentle features of her lovely face, and all those contradictions fell into place, exhibiting her as all the woman anyone could ever want or need.
But I had to let her go.
“I have to go,” she reiterated what I already knew. She smiled. “I have to finish packing and get my mom’s house cleaned up and groceries stocked for her.”
“I understand,” I said.
We reluctantly let go of each other’s hands and took our time getting up from our chairs. Throats were cleared as were our coffee cups, and within minutes I was walking her around the table to the sliding glass door.
I drew in a deep breath and puffed out my chest. I stuck my hands in my pockets and tried to figure out how to actually say goodbye to Leah. “Good luck, Lee.”
She paused and looked out over the deck and into the woods, gently resting her fingers against the cool glass of the door. I watched her blink slowly as a thoughtful expression graced her face. I felt like bottling and corking the moment to save for a special occasion, but then I realized that occasion was righ then.
I tentatively touched her elbow, pulling her hand from the door. Her face told me she knew what was happening, but I wasn’t even sure I knew. My fingers shifted on the crook of her arm as she turned to face me. My other hand cupped her jaw, as our bodies grew closer. Then our hands were in each other’s hair and we were kissing.
I buried my fingers deep in the blue-black silk, and she tugged at the tuft on the top of my head, making us both groaned. I hummed into her soft, sweet mouth, tasting sugar on her lips. I touched her like I hadn’t in months. I wanted to feel the lazy slide of her tongue against mine. I wanted to put my hands on her warm, bare skin and hold her.
I wanted so much, but I couldn’t have it. I could have this.
I kissed her, long and slow. We relaxed into each other, one of her hands releasing my hair and traveling down to hook a finger through a belt-loop. She wrapped her other small hand around the back of my neck and her thumb caressed the tight band that ran from my jaw to my clavicle, making me shiver.
I slowly backed her against the sliding door and rested my palm against the square of glass that her hand had recently occupied. I kissed her and kissed her, forgetting about getting laid or getting into a fight. I didn’t care that we’d called each other names and betrayed each other’s trust. In that moment, all that mattered was the kiss.
It was…
I love you
I’m sorry
I want you
You’re beautiful
I’m so proud of you
I want everything for you
You deserve everything…
And it was goodbye.
I was taking steps toward a better life, but I wouldn’t be able to support Leah while I was just getting on my feet. Besides, she didn’t need my support. She was brilliant all by herself.
Her kiss slowly waned, but the passion lingered. I could still feel the spark and sizzle that everyone else lacked. Leah was the only one that could do this to me.
Our lips parted and our foreheads met. We were breathing heavy and touching gently. One set of her fingers played with the buzzed hair at the base of my skull and the other set toyed with my belt loop.
“I really need to go,” she whispered, her voice warring with regret and satisfaction, a bittersweet symphony.
“I know,” I responded just as quietly. I slowly kissed her willing lips one last time then rolled my head away from touching hers, running my lips down the side of her face, caressing her soft neck and ear, before pushing away from the glass and releasing her from my entrapment.
She drew another shaky breath and smiled, straightening her jacket and smoothing her hair. I gave her a wider berth as she turned to grasp the door handle and pull it open. She walked out over the threshold, and I followed but kept my distance.
“I’ll see you.” She nodded, a small, knowing smile playing on her lips.
“Yeah,” I agreed, feeling the same grin on my own face.
I reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear one last time, and I didn’t say the word “goodbye” as I watched her walk away from me, down the steps and toward her truck. I didn’t have to say the word. The kiss was enough.