Chapter Text
Summer 850: After Shiganshina
Noise.
Too many noises hectoring in his mind, and all around the hazy room filled to the brim with superior rankings. After the backlash from Floch he almost wanted to rupture his own eardrums, for Queen Historia’s beautiful and melodic voice reading out the names of the dead was almost too much for someone who had seen death on numerous occasions.
Death was something he should have been used to by now, but hearing each flick of Historia’s tongue expertly reading without a cause for mistakes almost felt too real.
That’s what it was— real . Those he had fought beside now lay next to bloodied and battered bones, deep in the earth where not even their own families could mourn them.
The strive for truth had been met with many casualties and for once in his life, he had finally felt numb from all the deaths caused by his hands.
Normally he would sulk for days over the deaths of his comrades. That empty place he had visited over these past four months was always an unwelcome friend, yet during the worst of times he embraced it most.
Dead.
They were all dead.
The moment nine horses returned to the wall after over one-hundred soldiers had left with hopeful hearts had been met with boisterous shouts and words of encouragement from the civilians who had yet to see the ghost of his friends appear behind him—silhouetted in the fading sunset atop the wall.
It wasn’t until one cart was sent up to retrieve the lucky few when the cheers turned to confused murmurs until finally... silence.
He had sat alone in his cell for days contemplating the meaning of it all.
His father's memories had barricaded themselves in his mind, and now he held a new mindset that somewhere out there across the sea... were enemies—Enemies ready to kill them at a moment's notice all because of their race.
How silly it seems to think that this had all started because he and his friends wanted to see the ocean.
Now, here he was in uniform, tired from the nightmares that plagued his mind— tired from it all , summoned before the Queen for a remembrance and achievement ceremony.
Achievement.
How pitiful.
They had achieved nothing. They had gained nothing. They had learned nothing.
All that was met with their retaliation of Reiner and Bertholdt was one titan shifter’s power, and three stuffy old books, along with an ever-growing list of the dead.
How long until even his closest friends vanished from the world all because of selfish desires?
Historia was done speaking— done reciting his fallen comrades' names like a mantra. A mantra that no one would understand.
Through all his clouded anger and inner thoughts, he briefly caught a glimpse of Levi and Hange tensing at their fallen brethren’s graceful names.
Indeed, it was pitiful.
How heartbreaking the two superiors must feel right at this very moment. How chaotic their lives had been up until this point. Controlled chaos with a touch of light from their own friends who had taken that warmth with them into the next life.
Pity.
“If you would all kindly kneel so that I may bestow upon you your medals of bravery.” Historia spoke softly to the few, yet her voice carried with radiance as any Queen should. With a heavy sigh he removed himself from his plush seat that had been anything but comforting and made his way to stand next to Levi and Mikasa.
The crisp carpet below his feet never looked so inviting, and with a swish of his coat he made his way to the floor, staring at the few loose strands sticking out from the white carpet and stone, the royal family's insignia sewn into the material by expert hands.
He knew someone who had expert hands once. The number of times he would bring his battered and torn shirts home after a rough fight with the neighborhood bullies had been met with a simple roll of their eyes, until they eventually gave in and fixed the faded cotton.
That person was gone. Never to be seen again— only in his memories. Memories that had quickly turned into reality when another pair of expert hands had done the same for him. Torn clothing hadn't been an issue but instead, torn skin and neatly placed stitches after Jean or Annie had finished with him.
Nights spent chastising him for his own stupidity would never occur in this lifetime, but perhaps... the next.
Just like his mother, she too was gone.
Giving in wasn’t easy, especially when it seemed like this whole ceremony was taunting the remaining scouts right in the face. They had all agreed on the ride over that this was just another scheme come up with by the rich bastards inside Sina who had been no help at all during their sacrifice.
The smug assholes sat in their plush and heated homes with their crackling fires while they rode on horseback with their hoods up as to not give away his location, straight to their deaths.
The rich pompous jerks probably all feasted that night on wild boar and chicken while he watched his comrades' bodies turn to blood and ash right before his own eyes during Bertholdt’s transformation.
He could still hear the momentary screams from the many, and the eerie silence that followed.
“Commander Hange Zoe.” Historia greeted the once bustling scientist with a warm nod and generous hand. A tray of green medallions stood behind her for his friends and he wondered if Erwin was wearing his own when he died.
What did he have to sacrifice all for the sake of an extra accessory?
What did he have to prove?
Maybe he didn’t have to prove anything—That was the point. It was a shame he had died without giving a reason. It was a shame anyone had died at all.
Hange accepted Historia’s hand and with a swift peck of her trembling lips her recognition was done. Historia’s beautiful white dress came into view as she turned to grab the next medallion. The simple way the strange material looked innocent on her was someone comedic, for he was sure no one was aware of just how much blood was on the poor girl’s hands. “Captain Levi Ackerman.”
Levi hadn’t been the same since that day, and he wondered who would dare blame him. His thoughts and mind had been clouded that day by Erwin’s orders and he was sure if he had known what was to come then the brave man would have thrown everything aside for his love.
Mia had been killed immediately from Bertholdt’s transformation; her body flung into the well with Hange who had been saved by the generous sacrifice of Moblit. It was a shame his heroic efforts could only save one. But that was the way of the world.
Cruel and unforgiving.
How he would miss those expert hands. Although he was half her age, he still looked to her as a friend. A friend whom he could chat with and take advice from, even if he never asked. A friend that through thick and thin had been there for every single one of the 104th throughout training and upon joining the scouts.
He wondered what Levi thought of her now.
There had been no body to bring back. No jacket embroidery carrying the wings of freedom. No kind medic. Just like Erwin she was left behind with the other ghost of Shiganshina.
Levi’s medal was bestowed to him, yet his face looked anything but grateful. Instead, it was flat— A blank stare for a blank cause. Even his movement seemed stoic. The simple way he lifted his hand to accept Historia’s hand and the press of his lips to her skin made him feel pitiful.
He had never gotten the chance to kiss Mia, now he never would.
“Eren Yeager.” White met green, and he sucked in a breath as he knelt his head in anticipation of his own medal. The same white carpet and stone in his focus as his thoughts wandered.
Hopefully the ceremony would be over soon and he could finally get a good night's rest away from everyone. Armin had stated he still wanted to go over his dad’s memories with him for final touches, but truth be told he wanted nothing to do with those memories— not with what he had seen and learned.
The bolo tie felt itchy on his skin, and tight; like unforgiving hands around his pale neck. Still he accepted it, along with Historia’s hand which looked to be delicate and small. Everything about her was small. A trait she had carried over from years spent training together. He knew for a fact that her mind was anything but, for just like he— she too had seen and learned.
Leaning forward he thought of all the new experiences he was to face in the future and the strives they would have to make. Hopefully it would be easy, and hopefully they could finally reach that place beyond the wall, far past the horizon where the salt met water in such an abundance the merchants could never collect it all.
Oh how he wanted to see that.
With a small sigh his lips touched Historia’s hands that smelled of vanilla causing his mind to run at ease before immediately filling with a sense of bleakness.
~
Thoughts ran ramped all together in a fit of passion. Too many to count and too many to think a single coherent thought. There was a strange buzzing in his ears along with flashes of purple caverns and rich blue water along with the chilling sensation of blood curdling screams.
A throbbing sensation forced its way into his skull, knocking down every single cell that dared defend the chaos.
It was too much. Whatever he was seeing made his stomach twist with disgust, and the fear he saw in the once hopeful eyes of his friends left him feeling empty until eventually all he could finally muster was... Confusion .
Why was he confused? Ever since he joined the scouts, he gladly followed every order. Although he wasn’t perfect and often questioned each motive, he still gladly followed. Erwin always had a plan—there was no need for confusion. His goal was simple. End Reiner and his enemies lives and live in peace with his friends.
Yes, it was easy but why did he feel as though it weren’t?
Pain. Why did his throat feel raw and why could he taste blood? Why did his body feel as though he were being tormented and left to die?
Why was it so cold and lonely inside this stone room?
Regret . He had nothing to regret. Why would the thought even cross his mind? He had been given the attack titan as a means to end his enemies' lives, and end them he shall. No regret in that decision whatsoever.
Fear. Why was it so cold here, and why are there so many bright colors above reflecting against the darkness? Why could he see his father’s memories again? Why can I see green eyes staring back at me as I stare into a black mirror?
Isolation. It feels as though I was left here by myself in this empty place. There is no love here, or friendship, I am by myself. Did I do this? Did I push everyone away? Whose memories are these!!?
...
Love.... The darkness is gone leaving him with that feeling he had missed since his return-since his life changed five years ago. All he can feel is warmth surrounding him like an endless fluffy cloud that he had almost been able to touch in his dreams. There's a bright clear blue sky above, and gentle breeze flowing through the locks of his hair that is jet black and no longer his characteristic brown.
The trees above look inviting—a few apples line each branch ready to fall and ready to be eaten. Where am I?
There's some sort of white sheet draped around the side of his face, blocking his peripheral sights and the sun's glowing light through the canopy of the trees. A few birds chirp above and take flight into the sky as a small voice breaks his confusion. “Levi, can you help me fold the laundry?” This voice, where do I know this voice? “I’m coming. Did you clean my blue shirt?” Ca-Captain Levi is that you? Why are you in my dream?
The sound of crunching leaves hit his ears, but his body cannot turn to follow the noise. He’s certain that’s Levi’s voice. He’s heard the man speak on numerous occasions, usually insulting and bored in demeanor, but deep and thick with respect with every syllable.
He once made Sasha cry when he insulted her eating habits without so much as a glance her way. This is the man that forced Armin to clean his office after something he had done for two weeks straight. Every night Armin would return to their joined room on the brink of collapse after his Captain ridiculed his cleaning methods.
So why now does the man who publicly beat him without a care in the world sound almost....happy...
“Yes I did, it’s right here. Try not to be so loud he’s still sleeping.” This voice...So gentle... so very gentle and oh so familiar. He could get lost in the way they spoke. “Liar, I can see him blinking. Your loudmouth woke him up first.” Levi chuckled. His captain actually laughed at whatever was going on.
“You know what?” The voice said with an uninterested sigh. A pair of footsteps moving closer to his white cocoon. “What?”
“I don’t need your help, go away.”
“I wish I could, but you just made me walk all the way over here, so you better make it worth my while.” He replied coolly followed by the sound of skin colliding with skin and a resounding scoff. They’re teasing each other. Where had he heard this bickering before? Levi only fights with Hange, and… and …
“Mia come on baby, I’m just kidding, don’t roll your eyes at me. Here I’ll take care of the rest, it looks like he’s getting fussy.”
Mia…
Why Mia…Mia’s dead…
So why did her forest eyes block the path of blue? Why is she staring down below the canopy of apples with a smile on her face. Why does she look older? Why is she here? Why? Why? “Aww, did you have a bad dream? Poor baby.”
Why?
Why?
“Shhh. Don’t cry. Mommies got you.”
Why?
Why?
“Look daddy’s here too, there’s nothing to be afraid of Eren, we’re here for you.” Levi had never looked so proud. His own supportive face meeting his from across the green lawn filled to the brim with clean linens flowing in the breeze. “I told you, your big mouth woke him up.”
“You shush, and keep folding. The laundries not gonna do itself Mr. Ackerman.” He could feel his body being lifted high in the air towards the ripe fruit above and suddenly his tears are dry for all he can see is a kind smile staring right back at him.
Such a kind smile on and even kinder face surrounded by a sky of blue and the comforting feeling of warmth and love.
That’s why.
~
The suffocating feeling of mixed emotions and visions of what he had or will do to the innocent lives of this world came by in a fury or grief and resentment, yet he strives on following that love and comfort with an outstretched hand.
Was it greedy to want it that bad? Was it selfish to want that warmth surrounding him, telling him it was going to be okay?
No. No it was not.
Desire and Lust, had come a few years after his first glimpse into those familiar eyes from a new perspective, and he watched with nervousness at his mother's shrieks of pain and the way his father clung to her with words of encouragement.
He had seen a memory similar to this once or would in the future, right alongside her. He had been different in that life. Someone seen as a monster—someone seen as cruel and unforgiving—unworthy of love. But right here as his mother's eyes closed and with one final shriek of pain all he could see were small steel eyes marking him as someone to look up to.
The same head of raven hair he shared with his parents cast a shadow across his parents' bed where he would sleep most nights surrounded by their love. He could tell just from first glance she would inherit more of her father's traits, for the dissatisfied look on her face from the new faces was already a telltale sign.
She looked ready to throw out orders and demand a cup of tea. Hopefully she wouldn’t beat him up. Hopefully she’d actually be taller than the two of his parents combined. That would surely make his father mad.
“Look at that Eren. It’s a girl just as you said, you’re a big brother now.” His father held him close to his warm body, kissing the top of his head lightly. A gesture that was the complete opposite from what he known from the man years before but now appreciated and accepted without objection...on most nights. “Sissy’s here.” he softly muttered moving closer to his exhausted mother who seemed not to show any signs of fatigue, only motherly love for the two of them.
Mia always smelled of vanilla, even more so in the afterglow of childbirth. It’s why he didn’t object to her embrace, instead inhaled it for comfort while watching his sister’s steel eyes flutter around the room, trying to make sense of the new world he had given her. “Yes baby, sissy's here. Are you going to protect her?”
Yes...yes he would.
~
Happiness. Levi had never looked so happy as he did right here at this moment as he chased after his sisters’ chubby legs all while he stayed glued to his stool where his mother stood before him bandaging his knee.
Her expert hands had indeed been missed—almost as much as her chastising tone. "I told you to watch out for the tree roots.”
“humph.” So stubborn. He had always been stubborn. He wishes he could say he carried this trait from that life, but this was entirely Levi’s fault.
It was Levi's fault he enjoyed the taste of plain black tea. It was Levi’s fault his stubborn mind could never listen, and it was Levi's fault his blood burned with a desire to protect.
Mia’s own traits had carried over to his new life as well. Although his sister was better at playing doctor, he was good at being patient—Something he had never been good at. Even baking was his new forte. His father swears his blueberry pie was better than his mother's but that could be just so boost his young ego.
His days were filled with many lessons taught from both ends. Lessons that he had never gotten the chance to explore. Now he took each reprimand with a grain of salt and then some.
This life was a blessing and he intended to do his best, even if his mother's ointment was burning his bruised knee that was entirely his fault. “Stay still, don’t I always tell you to stay still?”
“No! I don’t wanna stay still, I wanna play with daddy.” His small arms crossed his stomach, refusing to make eye contact, and show his mother all the love he wanted to give her. “Is that right?”
No. It wasn’t. He loved being at her side. He loved her baking, and he loved her. “Yup.” She could see his eyes flicker down towards the floor, ears aflame, a telltale sign of his own stupidity and before he could interject, his cheeks were held in her hands and her mouth overlapped with his own, smothering him with affection causing him to squeal in delight.
She always knew when he lied.
“Daddy, daddy come on!” A cheerful voice rang from outside the window, where he could see the outline of black hair racing by with two swinging braids and the horrified eyes that followed, trying to reach— trying to stop the chaos from unfolding but never making it in time.
In this world Levi didn’t have to worry about ever making it in time. “Hange Rose, don’t you dare jump in that puddle!”
“Wee!” One splash and childlike giggle later and Levi was groaning with annoyance his sister, proudly displaying her muddy dress and boots and even a few worms from her small fingers. A trait learned from neither of her wide eyed parents, but from her chaotic Aunt lurking in the background with her own smile of joy. “Way to go little lady. Make sure you show Levi your prize!” She screamed while holding up her own jar filled to the brim with various insects.
“Tch, filthy” He heard himself mutter along with his father. Mia’s own laughter followed from the unexpected yet familiar trait from the person standing in the window staring at his small family with his own happiness etched across his scarred face.
Indeed, Levi didn’t have to worry about never making it in time. He didn’t have to worry about putting food on the table nor making sure his children were warm at night. No. All his father had to worry about was dirty feet on freshly mopped floors.
~
Acceptance. He was back in that dark place in front of the only person who ever gave him any hope now that he had seen what he needed to see. “Thank you, Mia.”
Many memories came and went, each one more gruesome than the last, but he refused to think about any of that for the past was in the past, the only thing he could look forward to was his future. If he had to play the bad guy...so be it.
He had promised his friends he would give them freedom, and that’s exactly what he was going to do. “Eren?” Historia’s voice pulled him from the world of dreams back to the present and his mind finally pieced itself back together from the knowledge he had just gained.
Everyone was waiting around in anticipation for his reaction was something they had not expected. Mikasa’s eyes were on him, and he felt tempted in the way the grey hues showed his own anguished reflection. How beautiful she was and would become. He was glad her eyes were the last thing his old life would see, for he would take that image of her smile into the next one.
A kind smile would be waiting for him on the other side. “I’m okay... Don’t worry.” His gaze fixed onto Levi who would have no clue about his lovers whereabouts for the next four years. Those same steel eyes that his sister inherited along with his sour mood. That same burning desire to protect he would inherit from the man next to him— A man who had thought he lost everything. There he stood next to his son who would inherit it all along with a newfound taste for black tea and blueberry pie. “...It’s going to be okay.”