Chapter Text
(Scene opens up on Karkat getting lectured by Kankri. Kankri's lines are literally a tide of 'blahs' mixed in with the occasional understandable word or phrase.)
Kankri: Yes, now as I was saying before: (just say 'blah' a bunch of times, mixing in the following buzzwords) problematic issues, trigger, dysfunctional society, ableist slurs, panquadrant demiromantic, in need of checking one's privilege, cisblooded royalty enforces hemocasteism, impossibly tight pants, shaming the life impaired, triggering euphemisms and, etc.
(Karkat lets out a big deep sigh.)
Karkat: (Thinking internally, slowly and depressed) This is it. This is how I die. Not with a bang, but a lecture. My body is shutting down, no oxygen getting to my brain. Everything's... getting hazy. Whoever writes my eulogy, tell the others how much I really, truly hated them from the bottom of my heart. (Pause) Oh right, when I die, I'll just end up here again. Listening to him. Forever.
(Sound of quick footsteps coming closer as Aradia enters scene.)
Aradia: Oh, Karkat, there you are! Quickly, there's no time! Your moirail was triggered by an insensitive remark and is in desperate need of pacifying!
Karkat: (Confused) Whuh? Gamzee is what? (Growing horror) Oh shit... How many has he killed?
Aradia: I don't know, the limbs and torsos were too scattered to get a real count!
Kankri: Well, this is very problematic. Karkat, I understand that pale romantic duties must come first, so I shall finish my speech, I mean, our conversation, at a later date.
Karkat: (Awkwardly) Oh, yeah, that sounds, uhm, well-
Aradia: (Grabbing Karkat's arm and pulling him away) There's no time! Come with me!
Kankri: (Calling after them, fading away to nothing) Don't forget! Sensitivity with regard to past acts of oppression, such as culling or wiggler violence, is the only way for society to move forward into an era of enlightened thinking and acceptance of...
(After a bit of running and heightened breathing.)
Aradia: Okay, hold up for a second. I think we're good.
Karkat: (Tired) Please, just tell me he didn't start harvesting heads and talking to them again. Last time, it took forever to scrub the goddamn blood off the walls, and the smell never really went away.
Aradia: Oh, that? (Giggle) I just made up something to get you away.
Karkat: (Relieved) Oh, thank jegus. I almost wet myself like a grub.
Aradia: You were in a pretty bad way when I saw you, and the Seer of Blood was just getting warmed up.
Karkat: (Pissed) No shit. It was a goddamn waking nightmare. I was seconds away from pulling out my fucking sickle and cutting out my hear ducts. (Sarcastically) Oh, but I wouldn't want to trigger anyone with my blood! I need to check my blood privilege, for all the life impaired fucks who spend their afterlife sucking the souls out of the living.
Aradia: Yes, it seems that some of the restless dead are a bit more... restless than others.
Karkat: (Feelin' blue) It's just so... ridiculous. For the longest time I thought the whole ancestor thing was bullshit. Wiggler stories for twerps like Tavros and Eridan. Even Vriska, self-proclaimed badass, geeked out over some dusty journal of some long dead pirate.
Aradia: But you were the one who ecto-hatched all of us, including our ancestors.
Karkat: Yeah, but after I played nursemaid to 24 gross, screeching wigglers, I wasn't interested in whichever asshole happened to share my genes from the incestuous ectoslurry. I never really bought into any of it being worth a damn, not until we met the humans.
Aradia: Humans changed your mind?
Karkat: I know, right? Who'da fucking thunk it? But I watched them grow up, taken care of by their ancestors like they were pretend lusii or something. Their weird family dynamics made my thinkpan hurt, with bullshit terms like dad, and mom, and nanna, but after a while, it all kinda made sense. Their ancestors were just smarter, stronger, better versions of themselves.
Aradia: Trolls have lusii of our own.
Karkat: Well yeah, but there's only so much life advice you can get from the gnashing screeches of my old dead lusus. Humans have got someone to look up to, you know? If they all weren't so busy sticking their heads up their own asses, maybe they would have appreciated it. I thought I'd get something like that when we all started running into our ancestors in these dumb bubbles. Instead, I got...
Aradia: Kankri?
Karkat: (Snort) Exactly. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up, paradox space has a consistent track record of sucker punching you in the gut and kicking you in the teeth while you're down. Just being related to that asshole makes me feel tainted.
Aradia: I understand your disappointment, but I think you need some perspective. Kankri isn't really your Ancestor. No more than the humans you are travelling to meet are the dead relatives of Rose or Dave.
Karkat: It's the same troll, right? What's the big fucking difference?
Aradia: Come with me, I want to show you something.
(Aradia grabs his arm again, and drags him along.)
Karkat: Woah, hey! Where are we going?
Aradia: You'll see. I just need to find it... let's head through the forest.
Karkat: Forest? There's no... oh. Fucking dream bubbles.
(They move into the forest, sound of rustling leaves and branches snapping as they move through the brush)
Aradia: (To herself) Hmm, now where is it again?
Karkat: Wait up! This brush is going apeshit in my- (Gets a branch in his face) Bluh! Damnit, what the hell are we looking for, Aradia?
(The forest suddenly gives way to a desert, with winds gusting in the background.)
Aradia: A memory, of a time long before our own.
Karkat: Sand? Did you take me to the goddamn beach?
Aradia: No, this is Alternia. We're here to witness a historical event important enough for the vast horrorterrors to record and store here in the depths of paradox space. With my powers, I can travel to it, across time and space.
Karkat: Why? What's so important out in bumfuck nowhere?
Aradia: The beginning of a rebellion. Follow me, we're not far. Should be just over this dune.
Karkat: Aradia, what's the point of all this?
Aradia: You'll see. Come.
(Footsteps, sand crunching, voices in the distance rising.)
Aradia: (Quietly) Get down, they might see us outlined on the horizon.
Karkat: (Normally) Why? If we're really in the past, it's not like we can change anything.
Aradia: Shhh. Keep your voice down. Our presence can still interrupt the proceedings if we're not careful. It would be pointless to doom this timeline for no reason.
(The Signless starts shouting various obscenities and curses dimly heard in the background. This one is up to the actor.)
Karkat: (Quietly) Jegus, there's a shit ton of trolls down there.
Aradia: They're here for the final sermon.
Karkat: Who's that handsome troll in the bondage gear and tall pants? And why is he screaming his fucking head off at everyone?
Aradia: The Signless, your ancestor.
Karkat: No fucking way, that badass is my ancestor? He seems pretty fucking pissed.
Aradia: His fury will sear itself into the hearts of his followers and inspire them to rise up against the Empress. He wears the Righteous Leggings, a holy relic revered by his followers.
Karkat: (Confused) I don't get it, how could that unstoppable shit-spewer Kankri be this leader of trolls? How could this cussing hero be that pretentious fuck?
Aradia: We are all children of circumstance and fate. The Signless was born into our savage world, rising to be a champion. Kankri was born in a world where the worst injustice was to be wealthier, more fit, or more highly blooded than another. Instead of pitched battles and the struggle to survive, they had sheltered lives and debates over problems we see as trivial. As it turned out, peace is a double-edged sword. Their players were too weak to win the game. They needed cunning, ruthlessness, and brutality. They needed you, Karkat.
Karkat: (Proudly) And we won. It wasn't even a challenge. Like taking candy from a grub. (Sourly) At least, until we were fucking robbed and left to die.
Aradia: (Pause) They'll be starting soon.
Karkat: Huh?
(A sharp crack as the executors start whipping the living hell out of the Signless, distant cries of pain.)
Karkat: (Wince) Holy shit, they are fucking him up! (Gasp) It hurts just looking at him.
Aradia: He's to be executed by flogging, but before he dies, he will deliver the Vast Expletive: a tirade so full of rage, that it's said his anger would be inherited by his descendant, whose appearance would herald the end of Alternia.
Karkat: Yeah, I'd be pretty fucking mad too if a bunch of spineless bulgekissers were whipping the shit out of my chitinous ass. I guess that explains why my hate-filled rhetoric seems so fucking divine, like putrid excrement sprayed onto the tortured upturned faces of the filthy masses, who pray to heaven's sphincter for an end to the raging torrent of feculent retribution from the sky.
Aradia: Thank you, Karkat, for that vivid imagery.
Karkat: (Smugly) My eternal pleasure, Megido.
(They pause conversation for a bit to listen to the lashings taking place in the background, the Signless cursing loudly.)
Karkat: I wish we could save him, but we're probably hundreds of sweeps too late for that.
Aradia: (Thoughtfully) True. (Pause) But, perhaps, we can do something to ease his passing. I have an idea.
(Warp sound as second Aradia appears near the event.)
Aradia: Ah, just on time.
Karkat: (Flustered) Hey, that's you! Why the fuck are you naked? More importantly, they're gonna see you down there!
Aradia: I think not.
(Chronomagic sound, maybe a clock coming to a stop, as Aradia places the crowd and executors in stasis.)
Karkat: The fuck was that?
Aradia: She put everyone into stasis, pausing the flow of time for them. Everyone, except the Signless.
Karkat: Why? Is that future you?
Aradia: I have no memory of doing this, so I imagine so. As for why...
Karkat: (Confused as fuck) What's she saying to the Signless? (Pause) Now she's... what the fuck, she's undoing his Righteous Leggings! (Pause) He's naked. Why are you stripping him? What the hell is going on? Oh...
Aradia: Now she's on her knees.
Karkat: (Shocked) Wow, she's uh...
(In the distance, the Signless shouts 'fuck yeah'!)
Aradia: He seems to be enjoying it.
Karkat: Yeah...
Aradia: (Quiet and intimate) I offer what small comforts I am able to for those who carry the weight of the universe on their shoulders.
Karkat: I... don't know what to say.
Aradia: You don't need to say anything.
(Smooch.)
Karkat: Aradia, I didn't really expect this from you.
Aradia: Then it's my pleasure to surprise you. (Hesitantly) Unless... my advances are unwelcome.
Karkat: Fuck, no! Come here.
(Smooch again. Subsequent groping and rustling of clothes.)
Karkat: Help me get your shirt and pants off, can't do anything with these dumb godmaid clothes on.
Aradia: They aren't dumb! They have numerous divine qualities and-
Karkat: -And make it hard as hell to feel you up properly.
Aradia: (Chuckle) Then take them off me, but I get to take off yours too.
(Rustling of clothes.)
Karkat: (As Karkat tries to get her hood off, innuendo time) Ugh, can't seem to quite... damn it.
Aradia: No, you've got to unbutton it first.
Karkat: Stupid buttons.
Aradia: There. Now you can take it off.
Karkat: They're so big, and round. I can't imagine having to carry that much fucking weight around.
Aradia: You get used to it.
Karkat: I'm glad mine are so damn small, even if Terezi makes fun of them. She thinks everyone's should be pointy, like hers.
Aradia: That's not fair, I think your horns are very charming.
Karkat: Anyway, the rest has definitely got to go as well.
(They take turns stripping each other down to undies. From a distance, the Signless shouts 'My bone bulge is a beacon of light!')
Karkat: That's better. (Grope) You've got, uh, quite the handful.
Aradia: (Grope, Karkat gasps) As do you.
Karkat: Careful, I'm not a fruit you're checking for ripeness.
Aradia: Nor am I a pair of melons, (moan) but I don't mind a bit of squeezing if you don't.
Karkat: Hold on, lemme get your bra. (Pause) Damnit, buttons again. Must be a god thing. (Pause) Grrrr! (Pause) What the fucking shit? Which taintsniffing grubfucker invented this crime against the trollish race?
Aradia: (Giggle) Save your rage for a more deserving target, you don't need to stress out over little things. Here, let me get it.
(Bra snaps open, swing free.)
Karkat: I'm just gonna... uhm... I'll just be busy with these for a bit.
(Boobsmooch.)
Aradia: Be honest, did Terezi deprive you of breasts?
Karkat: (Flustered) It's not like that! It's just, she doesn't have... well, let's just say she's slimmer. (Pause) In the chest department.
Aradia: There's nothing wrong with that. She's a very attractive troll.
Karkat: (Between boobsmooches) Just out of pure, completely fucking innocent curiosity, are you bigger than Feferi?
Aradia: (Heavy breathing) No, she's just slightly bigger than me. Quite impressive, really, but I think mine are a little firmer.
Karkat: (Eyebrow raised) And just how do you know that, Megido?
Aradia: (Occasional little gasps) Let's just say that being caretaker of the afterlife has its... perks. Dying has a way of freeing one's inhibitions, and I am something of a celebrity around here.
Karkat: I guess I should be jealous, but I don't really fancy having a horde of undead assholes following me around, trying to get in my pants.
Aradia: That's a shame, the orgies are (gasp) to die for.
Karkat: Help me get your panties off.
Aradia: Only if you do it with your teeth.
Karkat: Fuck! I never knew you had a raunchy side. I guess being a goddamn ghostbot for so long will do that you, huh?
Aradia: With the strange effects on temporal relativity innate to this place, some of the deceased have been here for a very long time, especially our ancestors. They have had plenty of time to become... quite skilled in the sensual arts, and I've been an eager student. Go on, then, take them off.
(Karkat pulls down her panties with his mouth.)
Karkat: (Huskily) Beautiful. You're so fucking beautiful.
Aradia: (Embarassed) Don't make me blush. Even after everything, I still can't help it.
Karkat: C'mere, hot stuff. Lean back against me.
Aradia: (Rustling) Shouldn't you take your... (Giggle) Thresh Prince boxers off too?
Karkat: Later. After I get done blowing your mind.
Aradia: And just what do you intend to d- uhn!
(Karkat starts fingering her.)
Karkat: Yep, I'm gonna fingerbang you 'till you can't see straight.
Aradia: (Breathing heavily) Fair enough.
(Commence playing of Aradia like a guitar. Insert following lines of dialogue between sections of pure sex noise, but continue sex during dialog.)
(The Signless shouts, "Your mouth is a sacred gift to trollkind!"
Karkat: (Snicker) Shit, would you listen to that? You must be giving him the divine fucking treatment, huh?
Aradia: (Between moans) I'm sure I'm doing my best.
Karkat: You know, it makes me think that all my uptight douchebag of an ancestor needs is a good fuck now and then and maybe he'd ease up on the trigger bullshit.
----------------------
Aradia: (Extra load moan) You're good at this. Terezi must be a lucky lady.
Karkat: (Bitterly) Heh, yeah, try telling her that. She's too busy rapping with Dave or getting sugar-drunk on Faygo. No time for old flames.
Aradia: Don't sulk, Karkat, it doesn't suit you. Focus on your timeline, on the moment at hand.
Karkat: (Slyly) You mean, focus on what I'm doing with my hand.
Aradia: (Long, drawn out groan) Yes, that too. That's good.
----------------------
(The Signless shouts, "Your silver tongue is a harbinger of pleasure to come!")
Karkat: (Laugh) Fuck! I think he's losing his goddamn mind down there!
Aradia: (On the edge) And I think I'm delirious. Just finish me off already!
Karkat: Hold on to your horns.
Aradia: Why? What would that help-ung! Oh, oh fates! Karkat! More!
Karkat: I've got you.
Aradia: Mmm, please! I can't...
Karkat: You can.
(Aradia orgasms loudly. After she's finished, the Signless shouts, "Sing it, sister!" Aradia breathes heavily.)
Karkat: Aradia? You okay?
Aradia: (Breathily) I want you out of those boxers and inside me.
Karkat: Uhh, you sure you don't need like a breather? Maybe a cup of warm moobeast milk?
Aradia: (Determined) Now!
Karkat: Yes, ma'am!
(Rustling sounds of clothing as Karkat strips. Signless shouts "You shall bear witness to my second coming!")
Karkat: (Groan) Geez, he doesn't let up, does he?
Aradia: He's got the right idea. Come here.
(Karkat engages a lusty maid in erotic strife. Same idea as before with dialog mixed into sex.)
Aradia: (Whimper as he enters) Karkat...
Karkat: What's wrong?
Aradia: Just... start slow, okay? Still a little more sensitive than I thought.
Karkat: Yeah, got it.
----------------------
(The Signless shouts, "This blowjob must have been foretold in prophecy!")
Karkat: Uhn! (Shouting back) Shut up, you horny taint-chafing saint! You're killing my bone bulge!
(The Signless shouts, "You cannot silence the herald of HNNNNGGUHHH!")
Karkat: Goddamnit!
Aradia: Forget about him, eyes forward. I'm right here. (Smooch)
Karkat: Yeah, turns out my bulge's death wasn't heroic or just.
Aradia: You never told me your little friend went god tier. (Karkat grunts, Aradia giggles) Sorry, I mean your 'big friend'.
Karkat: It was after he died in your quest bed. (Makes disgusted noise) Dear Jegus, that was too lame even for me!
Aradia: I think it's cute. (Gasp) Maybe even sexy.
----------------------
Karkat: Phfeeh! (Spit) I'm gonna taste this gritty ass sand for days!
Aradia: (Slyly) I'm sorry, perhaps I should have taken you back in time to discover the Empress's harems instead? Would that have been a better journey of self-exploration?
Karkat: Well, maybe next time?
Aradia: (Laugh) Convince me.
----------------------
(Karkat and Aradia approach orgasm. The Signless shouts, "The revelation is nearly upon me!")
Karkat: (Moan) I hate to say something so fucking cliche, but I don't think I can hold back much longer.
Aradia: (Huskily, quietly) Then don't. Be rough.
(The Signless shouts, "Oh, holy shiiiiiit!" Sex begins to accelerate, voices rising to a crescendo.)
Aradia: Faster, Karkat! Harder!
Karkat: Damnshitassbitchfuck... fucking... gotta... put your leg up here. There.
Aradia: Yes! Like that! Don't stop! More, more!
Karkat: Aradia...
(Aradia orgasms first, then Karkat shortly after. Rest for a bit to recover before speaking.)
Karkat: Wow. You were... (smooch) un-fucking-believable.
Aradia: You weren't so bad yourself.
(Future Aradia speaks up, referred to as F. Aradia from here on.
F. Aradia: And so much fun to watch!
Karkat: (Surprised) Woah, what the fuck? Who...?
Aradia: Relax, it's only future me.
F. Aradia: Yes, I finished up over there and decided to catch the end of the show.
Aradia: Did you enjoy your sacred task?
F. Aradia: Oh yes, and I'm happy to report that the Signless has an impressive reserve of stamina!
Aradia: (To Karkat) I guess it must run in the blood, right, Karkat?
Karkat: Uhh, hold on, my brain is trying to catch up after being deep fried in genetic material.
(Double giggle.)
F. Aradia: That's fine, it's about time past me left anyway. She has a loop to complete and a messiah to comfort in his time of need.
Aradia: (Disappointed) Oh, I have to go already?
F. Aradia: Yes, but you'll be back soon. (Smooch other Aradia) Go on, then. Don't forget to pull up his Leggings when you're done.
Aradia: (Moving away) Bye Karkat, talk to you in a bit! (Temporal warp sound.)
Karkat: Bye?
(Future Aradia now simply referred to as Aradia.)
Aradia: Now, I'm afraid, history must resume its march into the unavoidable future. (Shouting) Are you prepared for the end, Sufferer?
Sufferer: (Shouting) Free these wretched lapdogs, I am not afraid of their lashings! They do not know the storm they will unleash by making a martyr of me!
Aradia: (Whispering) So be it.
(Time speeding back up sound, followed by noises of the crowd, resumed whippings, and the curses of the Sufferer. After a bit, Karkat speaks.)
Karkat: Thanks for this, Aradia. And I don't just mean for the sex. I feel... better. More clearheaded. I didn't know how much my disappointment for that douchebag, Kankri, had been bothering me until I let it go.
Aradia: That's wonderful to hear. With the final battle approaching, our friends and allies need you. They need the Karkat that brought down the Black King, now more than ever.
Karkat: (Pause for a bit, listening to the torture down below) He can't win, can he?
Aradia: The Signless, you mean?
Karkat: I'm no history buff, but the fact that the Condesce still ruled with an iron fist in our time means that his rebellion failed, right?
Aradia: (Pause) Yes, his followers were crushed. All that remains of his flock is in the dream bubbles, amongst the fallen.
Karkat: (Humorless chuckle) If a troll like him can't win against the Empress, what makes you think I have a snowflake's chance in hell against... against whatever catastrophe we're flying into?
Aradia: I don't know. For all my power, I cannot see the twisted paths of fate, nor the hands that shape them, but I do know that there is no hope at all if we do not try our best.
Karkat: That's mega cheesy, Megido. (Pause) C'mere, sit next to me. It's getting kind of cold out here.
(Sounds of movement and crunching sand as they snuggle up.)
Aradia: Watch, now... it's not often you get to see the birth of a new era.
(In the distance, the Sufferer vents the end of his Vast Expletive. Up to the actor on how you want to do it. A good old, extra long, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" might do the trick. End scene with the sounds of gusting winds and shifting sand.)