Chapter Text
Like previous stories I have written author's notes for, I wanted to look at the thinking behind, and process of, writing a story that surprised us, and at the psychology of both author and characters behind the scenes in To Give Everything.
The first thing to realise about To Give Everything is that it was written to fulfill a specific prompt as part of the "Back to School" Fest at hd_inspired. That meant we approached a request to follow a specific set of parameters for it. Namely the following prompt by azamir:
Era: "8th" year
Additions: Filch's torture-dungeon, Restricted Section in the library (or books from there), magical sexy toys.
Scenario: Harry and Draco return for a last Hogwarts year. Draco is desperate to get control over his life again and discovers a dominating streak (combined with wanting to be able to protect his loved ones), while Harry wants to let go of responsibilities, if only for a time. They find out about the others preferences and start a relationship to fulfill their dominating and submissive desires, and their encounters in the bedroom/playroom/torture-chamber lead them to trust each other even more and finally fall in love. (This is supposed to be harmless to medium-hard bdsm, they are after all new to the lifestyle! bondage, paddling, that sort of stuff and focused on the Dom/sub-side of bdsm!)
Squicks: heavy bdsm techniques (watersports etc., heavy torture etc.), girly!Harry, bdsm ignoring safe, sane and consensual (you just don't do that!), overly ridiculous safewords (like hippogriff).
Maximum rating: this aims for NC-17, so I guess that's what it's gonna be, right?
What drew us to the prompt was, easily enough, the BDSM theme. It was something we knew we could write and have fun with. I have been an active member of a real life BDSM community for many years and am a switch. I've done most of the things we write about in the scene. And my writing partner in this fest, aveeno_baby, is particularly fond of writing a submissive Harry.
I also found the ideas in the prompt to be an interesting medium for writing a story of self-discovery, especially for someone trying BDSM for the first time. Draco finds The Room and some books, but does not have a community of people to show him how it's done. We have to assume that his life as a would-be Death Eater did not give him any kind of training in the "Safe, Sane and Consensual" practice of modern BDSM. How will he take the things he has an urge to do and find a way to do them with someone willing? That is his dilemma as the story opens.
One of the things we had to decide up front was how closely to follow canon. The prompt specifies "8th year" at Hogwarts. So we know we are beginning four months after the final battle at Hogwarts in May. If we assume canon characterization, that isn't a lot of time for anything to have changed. While the end of HBP and the events of DH indicate that Harry and Draco may no longer be as hostile to each other as they were in sixth year, it also doesn't provide an easy transition to a consensual D/s relationship.
And the prompter gives us the motivation she wants for the two young men. First, that "Draco is desperate to get control over his life again and discovers a dominating streak." Given that for at least two years, Voldemort has commanded and terrorized not only Draco, but his entire family, we can assume that his need for control and domination comes from his sense of helplessness throughout that experience. So we developed a story in which he has this need he is looking to fulfill but no idea who would be willing to fulfill it. He is isolated and unable to even talk to anyone else about his desires.
Our prompter specified that "Harry wants to let go of responsibilities." It is classic psychology that one possible reaction to the amount of pressure Harry has felt for seven years would be to finally wish to be free of responsibility and making choices. It would also make sense that he is depressed and feeling he has already done what everyone wanted from him. This is exacerbated by the fact that Ginny has broken up with him now that he is no longer acting like "The Hero." Our interpretation also includes a large element of survivor's guilt and a suppressed anger at the way he was used by the wizarding world. He feels disconnected from everyone and has quit trying to talk to his friends about what he is feeling.
One of the tricky aspects of writing believable Harry/Draco stories is always the question of how these two characters, who were so at odds in canon, would find themselves even trying a relationship together. The prompt doesn't give us much time to find an answer. It also states that their initial interest in this is not love, but that they both have these needs they can't get met otherwise. The possibility of love happens only after exploring these needs which "lead them to trust each other even more and finally fall in love." We interpreted this to mean the characters had to start out not completely trusting each other and certainly not already in love with each other. This actually was the most difficult part of the prompt to follow. Unlike other stories in which I gave Draco a secret crush on Harry that predates the story, these two don't start out with that. This part of the prompt is the main reason the story was 50,000 words long and not 10,000. To us, it took time to go from "mutual need" to "trust" and then to "love."
Lucky for us, our prompter did give us a starting place that allowed for both characters to start on nearly equal footing – both essentially isolated, lost and needing something they couldn't get from anyone else. That, and a bit of the magic of synchronicity, allows both characters to feel motivated enough to take risks they wouldn't otherwise.
The most difficult part of the BDSM portion of the prompt to follow was actually the "Safe, Sane and Consensual" (SSC) aspect. The modern practises of organised BDSM actually seemed counter to most of the social aspects of the wizarding culture depicted in JKR's world. This is a culture where children routinely play a dangerous game like Quidditch and hex each other with some pretty nasty spells. And at eighteen, we didn't imagine it likely that either of these young men, who have been involved in a war for years, would have had access to the kind of mentoring that would have taught "safewords." Writing Draco's perspective, I felt like the character actually fought me on this one. He wanted "real" control, not the illusion of control.
He both gave up control and got more from Harry in a gradual process. Even by SSC rules, a safeword wouldn't actually be needed for their first two scenes. Why? Because there was no expectation on the part of either character that if Harry said "stop" that Draco wouldn't do so. A safeword is only required when the participants want the sub to be able to say "no" and have it be ignored. When Draco does give Harry a safeword, it is because that is what he wants. He wants to be able to have Harry scream and protest and not have to stop. Yet, he is concerned enough about Harry to want the consent to still be genuine. And he does something that many people don't think of. He gives Harry a non-verbal, as well as spoken way, to do so – dropping the quill or saying the word "quill."
Where Draco goes wrong is when he says that if Harry uses the safety-out (because it is more than a word) that he will stop seeing him at all. That is a kind of emotional blackmail. I saw this as classically Draco and very Slytherin. In my interpretation of Draco in this, it comes from his insecurity about giving Harry that kind of power. And Draco comes to find out his mistake later when Harry inadvertently calls his bluff after Draco presents the Snitch to kiss.
Ironically, despite his initial misuse of a safeword, Draco actually manages to do what the safeword intends. He is a more natural Dom than most who try it. And not just because he took the time to practise first. Even though he has himself convinced that he doesn't care about Harry, he continually checks for Harry's non-verbal cues as to whether or not Harry is enjoying the things done to him. He doesn't just beat Harry, but watches for arousal, breathing and movements to tell him when Harry is arching toward blows or squirming away from them. These are the types of things that actually make a good Dom. A scene is much more satisfying for both partners if the Dom is aware enough of those non-verbal cues to make it unnecessary for the sub to use the safeword. And the first time Harry is genuinely not handling something as well as Draco would wish – in the case of first penetration with his cock – Draco sees it and backs off. He doesn't decide that Harry isn't trying hard enough. Instead, he realises he hasn't prepared him enough yet and praises Harry for trying to push himself to please.
The second time Harry is pushed to the edge, and he finally uses his safeword, is when he is presented with the Snitch to kiss. This is a major watershed moment for these characters. First, Draco could not have used his skills at reading non-verbal cues here. There was a major piece of information missing. Few people knew about the Snitch left for Harry by Dumbledore and, as Harry explains, he never told anyone about its role in defeating Voldemort. Harry has been carrying the pain of walking to his death without telling anyone ever since. Here, the intimacy and cathartic experience of what they are doing together allows Harry to open up and tell Draco about it. And Draco respects both the will that Harry's sacrifice took and his reasons for keeping it secret. They both gain in that regard through each other.
So much of this story is a gradual seduction, not as much sexually as it is emotionally. Neither character sets out to fall in love or have the other one love him. Yet, each moment of intimacy, both physically and emotionally, builds upon their history together to bind them together. We tried to insure that each reacted in ways that were in keeping with their histories and personalities. Harry, even after all that has happened, has the courage to embrace his love and seek to use it to heal himself. Draco, more aware of others' feelings than of his own feelings, is shocked by his love for Harry. He panics, believing love is a loss of his control. In Draco's life, those he loved and trusted – such as his parents – have failed him. He fears that he is becoming dependant on Harry.
Here I would also like to diverge a minute from the stated into the unstated aspect of the story. I wonder if readers picked up the cues, but there is definitely an implication of a previous Severus/Draco relationship in this story. Draco knows the Pass Spell for not only Snape's office, but his private quarters. He feels comfortable there, knows where things are (such as lube and the bathroom) and gives us glimpses into his feelings of memories associated with Snape's bedroom. Draco is also clearly experienced in male sexual relationships in a way that implies that he was mentored. He knows, for example, that using the butt plug to stretch Harry out first, will make it easier. He is practised at both manual and oral sex. He seems less confident with topping while fucking. Although not explicit in the story, my intuition behind this is that after the disaster on the tower (at the end of HBP), Snape became both Draco's protector and lover. If we add that into the picture, we see that Draco is also dealing with the grief of Snape's death. Even when a person we love dies accidentally, there is often a feeling of being betrayed, of being left behind. And if Draco hadn't known that Snape was actually not on Voldemort's side, he may have another level of betrayal as well.
Draco's response to his fear of loving Harry is to push him away. It's an attempt at self-preservation from a young man who has lost trust in others, especially those he cares about. The fact that Blaise can read him, can see how he feels about Harry, only adds to his fears. He imagines himself not only left wanting, but publicly humiliated when Harry discards him. Draco, who watched as his father was left helpless and humiliated by Voldemort, is terrified of such a fate happening to him. He tries for what he believes will be self-preservation and breaks it off with Harry, convincing the other man that he doesn't care about him.
The Gryffindor has, according to his personal temperament, given "everything" only to find himself rejected. For Harry, this is the last straw in what has been a long series of losses. He decides he is no longer needed in the world and too tired to keep trying. He returns to that tower and decides to end it.
Whether by magic or coincidence, Draco finds him in time. The fear he experiences at the idea of Harry's death is the catalyzing piece for him, making him realise that he would rather risk failure again than lose Harry. Draco, who had gone through hell and back just to survive, would rather die with Harry than live in a world without him. Finally showing Harry how much he cares, he is able to confess his feelings as well. They make up and make love.
The final scene isn't about "the future," which is still open for these two. It is about their mutual acceptance of trust. Anal fisting without damaging or hurting the bottom requires a high degree of trust for both parties. Draco's ability to read Harry's body language gives him an advantage here and Harry's willingness to be open is expressed literally in the act.
This story is essentially porn that grew a plot. In keeping with the original prompt, the focus of plot development is on the BDSM and sex scenes, not on the other things going on in their lives. We did not map a plot before beginning, so much of the angsty developments surprised us. It was fun to write and we hope it was fun to read.
Thanks to the moderators of hd_inspired, to our prompter azamir, and to our betas (brknhalo241, Mini Mouse, 1over137pt036 and Indie) in making this story possible.