Chapter Text
Karkat returned to find the various equipment stacked haphazardly in the middle of the lane and one less troll in the immediate area. "I have two questions for you idiots: one, why did you put our shit in the middle of goddamn everything, and two: where the hell did Spongebrain Musclehead go?"
Sollux shrugged. "For number one, that wathn't me. For two, he ran off after he dumped the boxeth everywhere. Thaid thomething about 'dealing with these lowbloodth to enthure the highblooded victory'." He looked disinterestedly at a fingernail. "Tho he'th probably trying to thabotage the otherth."
Karkat rubbed his temples. "Fuck. Where's Gamzee?"
Gamzee peeked around a stack of boxes. "What the motherf-"
"Gamzee, you moron, move these fucking things out of the way. There are people trying to get though."
One small car was on the other side of the towers. The octogenarian at the wheel had fallen asleep.
"You motherfucking got it."
"Nepeta, get over here."
Nepeta looked up from where she was lying in the sun. "Wuh? Oh, hi Karkitty!"
Karkat winced. "Never call me that again. Now go find Equius before someone dies."
Nepeta scampered to her feet and shot off in a random direction. "Okay, Karkitty! Equiuuuus! Eeeequiuuus!"
"Alright, and-" Karkat glared at the space where two trolls used to be. "Where the fuck are Vriska and Tavros?"
Sollux looked from where he was helping Gamzee with a box. "They're mithing?"
"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuuuuck. Fucking fuck of a fucked fucker. Do you know what could go wrong?"
"I don't really want to."
Karkat frowned. "You're not helping."
"I think," Gamzee sputtered between breaths, "that those two motherfuckers said something about motherfucking spinach."
Sollux blinked. "Eww, thhit."
Karkat sighed. "Leave them. If they don't came back in half an hour, I'll do something about it."
"Thpeaking of doing thomething..."
"Cram it, I'll help."
----
Elsewhilewhere...
Equius stood in front of the stage as the next band set up. There were three of the humans, and they were sort of freaked out by Equius just...
...staring.
Equius ran a few numbers through his head. Unfortunately, they had arrived too late and he did not know the quality of have the bands at this event. Those were unknown variables. It was likely that most of the bands were terrible, as the last two had been, but the law of averages started that, somewhere, there had been, at the very least, a few bands that could potentially upend the rightful place of the highblood-having Bandcram. These pitiful redblood monkeys didn't even deserve the honor of being anywhere near Bandcram. The very thought of it made Equius...
...sweat.
"Hi, Equius!" Nepeta bounded on all fours through the minor crowd and next to him. She stood. "Whatcha doing?"
Equius rearranged his train of thought's boxcars, then mentally kicked himself for the mixed metaphor. "Watching," was all he said.
"Uh huuuuuh," Nepeta rocked back and forth on her feet. "Karkat wants you to come back to the bus."
Equius made a hrrk noise. The band onstage was starting to play Electric Eye and Equius decided they were a threat. "I'll be right back."
Nepeta was largely oblivious. "Don't be long!"
Equius quietly slipped backstage and glared at their electronic setup. This one was even worse than the last he had sabotaged; cords crossed and tangled with no real intent except "try to make life hell for anyone tasked with moving them." Equius decided this was far from worth it and instead initiated Plan T. He reached into his pocket and removed his other cell phone, his homemade Personal Hydraulic Yuniversal eLectronic Lcommunication and Information System, which Equius called PHYLLIS for short. It was essentially a smartphone that used obscene amounts of power. (It is worth noting that Equius is very bad at acronyms.)
Equius folded out the built-in wall plug and inserted it into a free outlet on a power strip. The electricity went out as Equius sent out a power surge. The band's amps blew out. The crowd muttered. The announcer stood on stage and announced, for the third time today, they'd figure out what went wrong in back.
Equius pocketed PHYLLIS and slipped out, rejoining Nepeta in the disappointed crowd. "I apologize, I had to take care of something."
Nepeta glared. "Karkat will be mad."
Equius grimaced. "You're probably right."
The next band worked their way up. The trio was obviously incompetent. Equius turned. "I believe my work here is done."
----
Karkat glanced up from The National Infringer ("TÖTFLEISCH BACK TOGETHER AGAIN?" "KE$HA PREGNANT?!!" "ST LOUIS BIGFOOT ACTUALLY OBESE HOBO"), relieved to find Nepeta and Equius striding over and allowed himself to add two to his mental tally. "About goddamn time," Karkat said as he put the magazine down and scowled. "Did you see Vriska and Tavros?"
Nepeta blinked. "They're still missing?" Equius just made an uninterpretable shoulder gesture.
"Oh, for fuck's sake. Eridan! Eridan, get over here!"
Eridan did not appear to be nearby.
"Shiiiit."
----
Eridan stalked into the Walmart on a mission. It was not his usual mission, which was to steal objects from the hunting department and not get caught. This was a mission of romantic duty, the most important sort of duty he could imagine:
He was Tavros' and Vriska's auspistice.
Well, sort of. He arrived at this conclusion because he was tired of Tavros and Vriska breaking things in their weirdrom rage and decided to try to do something about it. This made him their auspistice in his own little world, and neither of the other two involved parties knew this. He had only managed to make them get along once, and that was by sheer accident and at another troll's expense. Still, like most of his romantic endeavors, Eridan kept trudging on, much as he was trudging on through what appeared to be an endless hall of cheesy greeting cards.
"Hey lady," Eridan spied a doughy old woman browsing the selection for grandchildren's birthdays. "Hawe y'seen deese guys?" He held out his cell phone, which was displaying a picture of Vriska throttling Tavros with a telephone cord. Karkat stood in the background, face twisted in an expression of pure rage. "Not d'short angry guy, dose two beatin' each odder up."
The old woman became highly unnerved of this weirdly dressed kid, his hwawy soundin' accent, and his wiolent I mean violent friends. She managed to sputter a negative, grabbed whatever card she could, and shuffled away.
"Aw, man." Eridan looked down the other way, back where he came. A tall, stringy guy was talking to an EO. He looked the other way. The old woman, having decided she was safe, was browsing further down. Eridan sighed. "Bein' an auspistice is fuckin' 'ard."
----
"Cod dammit, Wris, about fuckin' time." Eridan stumbled out of a row of five hundred thread count bedsheets to find Vriska, peering out from behind a display of five hundred thread count pillowcases. "I'we been lookin' all ower fer you."
Vriska turned and shot Eridan a glare. "Shut up, you'll give my position away."
"Position?" Eridan settled behind the display. "Hwhat d'fuck is goin' on?"
"They won't allow Tavros and I in Frozen Food anymore, so I sent him in on a stealth mission to get what we need." She squinted in the direction of the freezers. "I'm watching."
"Hwatchin' fer hwhat?"
Tavros sped out of the isle, multiple bags of spinach on his lap. He skidded to a stop by Vriska. "Hey, I, uh, think we should, uh, go, because these, um, bags will probably give me frostbite, even though I can't feel it, and..." He looked back. "I think someone saw me."
"What, seriously? You fucking moron."
"I'm sorry."
"Eridan, hide us!" Vriska shoved Eridan in front of the pillowcase display and pulled Tavros into the isle. "Or I'll gut you like the disgusting fish you are!"
"Easy now, Wris, no need t'get so black on me." Vriska only snorted in response as two WALMART EOs stomped out of the frozen food isle, looked around a bit, shrugged, and went back in. Vriska sighed in relief and exited. "And hwhat d'ell are you goin' t'do hwit' all dat?"
Vriska indulged Eridan.
Eridan's eyes dilated. "Fuck! 'oly shit! M'mind! Mind bleach! I fuckin' need mind bleach!" He fell into the pillowcase display in a heavenly soft fluf that only five hundred threads could provide. "'ow d'fuck..."
"Hey, uh, Vriska, if I could, um, feel my legs at all, I, uh, would probably be saying I couldn't, um, feel my legs. So..." Tavros picked at a bag of spinach. "Can you move these?"
Vriska turned. "Oh, quit being such a big baby. Come on!" She led Tavros off, leaving behind a theatrically weeping Eridan.
----
Karkat was seething. Ask anyone other than him, and they'd say that seething was probably one of his favorite hobbies, right up there with screaming, swearing, and making faces. Truth was, Karkat did not enjoy any of these activities, nor what they did to his blood pressure, but found himself seething often nonetheless, such as right now.
Two EOs walked up to the bus. One was carrying Vriska and a misty-eyed Eridan by the backs of their shirts, the other pushed Tavros. The first EO held up the two unprotesting trolls. "Are these yours?"
"Unfortunately." Karkat ran a hand down his face. "Just drop them there, and please, whatever you do, don't tell me what they did."
The EO shrugged and dropped Eridan and Vriska on the ground. The second shoved Tavros toward Karkat, and the officers left without another word.
"I'm not even going to begin to verbally abuse the romantically incompetent and their clueless auspistice for their completely cartilage-headed foray into a Walmart that actively hates us, because we've got more important shit to worry about than your failures in any sort of conceivable quadrant. It just so happens we need to leave and get ready to set up now. " Karkat turned. "Equius!"
Equius poked his head out of a bus window. "What?"
"Start moving shit now."
Equius began a retort, remembered his sworn duty as the noble roadie, and began to wonder if he was being used. Nonetheless, he trudged down the stairs and STRONG LIFTED a full stack of boxes.
"And up next, we have..." an announcer squinted at his paper. "I can't read this," he said away from the mic.
"Bandcram!" Karkat shouted.
"Bandcram," the man said, "Featuring, uh, oh, Karkit, Vriske, Taroz, Games...Ed Ryan? And...Souls?" The man moved a little bit away from the mic again. "This guy's handwriting is atrocious."
"Alright, everyone, get a fucking move on. Now! Go, go, go!" Karkat stood on the stage, directing bandmates and tech crews. "Come on, we haven't got all d-" Something that sounded suspiciously like H3H3H3 interrupted him. He whirled. At the very front of the small crowd, Terezi, Feferi, Aradia, and Kanaya were spectating, holding signs reading Y---EA)( BANDCRAM, 1 <3 K4RKL3S, Bandcram Is Simply The Best, and bandcram is 0kay. Noticing the group had his attention, Feferi began cheering and Terezi began cackling even louder.
"Hiiiii, Karkles!"
"What the- how did you get here?"
"We took Neighbor Phil's car!"
"What?"
"I drove!"
FL4SHB4CK
"Terezi, you're in the left lane again!"
"But I thought the left lane is the right lane!"
"The right lane is the right lane!"
"You are not an okay driver."
"Fine, fine, god." Terezi cut sharply right, forcing a car off the road. "Driving is hard."
3ND FL4SHB4CK
"One of these days your antics are going to put me in jail."
Terezi grinned. "Like last time? Don't tell me you've forgotten about that."
"Last call for, uh, Bandcram," the announcer called.
"Alright, look, I've got to go. Just...try not to set anything on fire." With that, he left to yell at someone else. "Equius. You swear on the Mother Grub's gaping orifices everything is set up correctly?"
"Indeed. Everything sh-"
"Good, awesome, now get the fuck out of here." He shoved Equius off the side of the stage, down a flight of stairs.
"Fiddlesticks, I appear to be falling down all of these stairs!"
Nepeta walked down behind him. "I told you, Equius! I told you about stairs!"
Karkat ignored the shorehorned but obligatory Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff reference. Instead: "Tavros, start us off."
"Was it, uh, on-"
"F and C."
"Oh. Uh." Tavros frowned at the keyboard on his lap, hunted for a key, then began the piano intro. The drum beat came in, Gamzee astoundingly focused on something. And then-
Sollux raised his volume with a foot pedal and hit a low note and Eridan's amp, which had been affixed with a metal Aquarius symbol, violently blew. One of the halves of the symbol flew through the air and planted itself firmly in Feferi's shoulder. She stared dumbly at it, cried out in pain, and fainted. Eridan threw his guitar on the ground, causing it to make a horrid noise, and attempted to put out the amp fire with his cape, Sollux and Tavros hovering nearby. Vriska and Terezi were doubled over in laughter. Kanaya was attending to Feferi. Karkat was screaming at everyone. Nepeta watched in a grim sort of fascination. Equius was sweating badly. Aradia impassively stared, chewing a bite of soft pretzel. Gamzee, as usual, was entirely clueless.
"Oh, uh, this where I just motherfucking solo the motherfuck out of these motherfucking drums, right?"
"Fucking help us, you miserable sack of clown shit!"
"I'm going to say that's a motherfucking yes." And man, did he solo the motherfucking out of those motherfucking drums. In fact, he sick solo'd something hella uncannybrutal for the entire four minutes the other eleven trolls were running around like egglayers with their think pans removed, and, upon completion, he knocked over two cymbals, punched a hole in the nearest tom, passed out, and fell over, crashing most of the front end. A few men carried Gamzee on a stretcher into the same ambulance Feferi was in, where Kanaya was now standing, fretting. Terezi and Aradia had long since returned to Neighbor Phil's car.
Karkat turned on Equius. "What the storming fuck happened there?"
"W-well, I though-" Equius blinked sweat out of his eyes and tried to gain some semblance of composure. "I thought Nepeta could handle setting up everyone's amps, and-"
Karkat abandoned Equius. "Nepeta! By god's eyebrows, by a pack of lesser mountain hoofbeasts, by the fucking Sea of Mnh Audaerh-"
Nepeta turned and put on her best kittycat eyes. "I'm sorry, Karkat..."
The cherry red blood in Karkat's expanding and contracting vascular system struggled to reach the deepest pits of his expandercontracter. It made one final push and broke down the defenses. Karkat's anger fizzled. "Well, uh, don't...don't do it again."
"Excuse me, Mister Vantas?" A WALMART official tapped Karkat's shoulder. "Disaster notwithstanding, you really need to get off the stage so our last act can go." He squinted at his professional-looking clipboard that may or may not have had any actual writing on it. "You will find your results after the final performance."
"Yeah, yeah, we're going. Equius, just throw the drums off the side, who the hell even cares."
Thus, Bandcram moped about the stage (minus one Gamzee) and listened to some group of idiots churn out some horrid combination of raprock and metalcore. Only one person clapped, and he was their drunk friend. They were shooed offstage as a WALMART official took the stage. He held a sheet of paper, which he began reading. "And the winner of the first WALMART Battle of the bands is..." He paused for dramatic effect, "...Funeral Team, for their stirring melodic progressive folk doom death metal rendition of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody."
A group of eight fantrolls took stage and accepted their $300 prize, which a troll with omega on his shirt immediately attempted to claim for himself, laughing with an eszett troll. This prompted a lecture from a blueblood with A on her shirt as a lowblood sporting a snake eating itself shook the rep's hand and took the check.
"Them again?" Sollux squinted at the fantrolls. "One of thethe dayth thhit will get out of hand and they'll get their own thtory."
"Alright, fuckers, show's over. Let's get the fuck out of here."
"Aww, Karkitty, can't we-"
Karkat shot Nepeta a look that was equal parts don't try me and I will punch a grub if you don't shut your chute. Nepeta hung her head and joined the moping procession toward the bus. Karkat was just about to follow when a WALMART employee tapped Karkat on the back. "Uh, Mister Vantas?"
"Oh, not you again," Karkat muttered. "What?"
"Well, there were some bonus prizes based on popular vote, and there were enough write-ins for you guys for 'Most Terrifying' to warrant the category, so..." He held out a gift card. "...here's $75. It, uh, expires tomorrow, sorry about that."
Karkat claimed the card and told the man off. Well, he thought, this won't be worth a tub of grub waste in twenty-four hours, and we really need groceries. He looked at the trolls assembled around him: Sollux, Nepeta, Equius, Tavros, Eridan, and Vriska.
What could go wrong?