Chapter Text
Sonja and Fritz weren’t the only people to come look after the baby, but they were the only ones who knew Hamra was in the rafters and so they greeted him every time they came by. Strangely, it made Hamra feel good even though he came to this room to get away from everyone. They would peer up at him, wave or say hi occasionally, take care of the baby, and then say goodbye on their way out. After a while, Hamra stopped holding his breath every time he heard the door open.
The hole he had chipped in the wall for him to crawl through straight onto “his” rafters was big enough now that he didn’t dislodge bits of rock when he slunk through. Apparently, the baby’s mother had been concerned that the room was falling apart, but either Sonja or Fritz had assured her that everything was alright. Hamra hadn’t met the baby’s mother yet, and though he’d never admit it, he almost didn’t ever want to. Sonja and Fritz letting him stick around was one thing; the baby’s mother had every right to scream and kick him out. He supposed be could find another room, but with servants and apparently more nobles occasionally flocking to Kaer Morhen, the number of quiet, secluded rooms was dwindling. And though he knew about Camp Sulk, it felt uncomfortable to seek refuge in a place so many others used; the mixed smells and leftover emotions alone made Hamra’s skin crawl.
Not everyone who came to take care of the baby came in pairs, but Sonja and Fritz always came together. So it was odd when one day only Sonja showed, giving Hamra a little wave before tending to the child. Hamra waited for Fritz to enter but… nothing. It wasn’t like not having both of them was wrong, per say, but Hamra liked patterns; he liked having some kind of “normalcy” in his life, however form that took.
“Where’s—“ Hamra started, and Sonja gasped, clutching the baby to her chest. She looked up at Hamra and laughed awkwardly.
“Whew!” she said. “Oh, Master Witcher, you startled me! I almost forgot what your voice sounded like!”
Hamra slowly crept down from his perch. “Sorry,” he said softly. There was a few moments’ silence, Sonja watching Hamra, Hamra watching the ground, the baby babbling softly as he sucked his own fist.
“Did you… need something?” Sonja asked.
All the courage Hamra had was gone. He didn’t mean to scare her. Sonja ducked her head to meet Hamra’s eyes and blinked up at him expectantly.
“Wh-where…” Hamra began, but his voice failed him. He wrung his hands together, looked over at the door, pointed at Sonja, and then the empty space next to her.
“Oh!” Sonja exclaimed, and Hamra was just able to contain a flinch at the sudden sound. “Fritz! Fritz is… helping Miss Heddy today.” At Hamra’s blank look, she added, “Olek’s mother?”
Olek, Olek, Olek, where had he heard that name? Fuck, he was bad at names. He was bad at people. He was bad at a lot of things: talking, thinking, signs—Hamra hunched his shoulders around his ears as his mind went on a tangent.
Sonja apparently noticed Hamra’s discomfort. “Ah, I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you,” she said, “since Fritz and I are the only ones who know you’re here.” Sonja adjusted the baby on her hip and took his little hand in hers. “This is Olek!”
Oh. Yeah. That would make sense. The baby—Olek cooed and wrapped his hand around Sonja’s finger. Hamra, not knowing what else to do, nodded.
“You haven’t met Miss Heddy yet, have you?” Sonja asked.
Hamra heard the rush of blood in his ears. His eyes went wide and he met Sonja’s gaze. Oh gods, was she going to tell the mother he was there?
Sonja took a step back at his panic and held out a hand. “I-it’s ok!” she said, now a little startled herself. “I was just curious!” Sonja settled Olek back into his crib. “She’s a really nice lady,” she continued, still facing the crib. Hamra was greatful; having someone’s full attention on him was hard. “She brought Fritz and I here. We were… well, we were in a bad way when she found us. Miss Heddy used to be a merchant. Or, she still is, occasionally. She’s been down in Wolvenburg for the past little while, so that’s why she hasn’t been here with the little one, here.”
Hamra nodded despite the fact that Sonja was facing away from him. The fact that she wasn’t looking at him emboldened him, a little. “You… won’t tell her I’m here?” he asked softly.
Sonja made a move to turn around, but then thought better of it. She put both hands on the side of Olek’s crib and stared at the wall. “I won’t,” she assured, “but… why? I-if you don’t mind me asking!”
If he didn’t mind? He was the intruder here. “I-I want…” he swallowed thickly, picking at the skin of his palm. “To stay… here.”
This time, Sonja did turn around. “Why wouldn’t you?” Hamra didn’t answer, staring down at the floor, but he heard Sonja sigh softly. “If I can be honest, Master Witcher, I think she’d love to know that her baby is being looked after by someone so capable.”
Hamra met her gaze again. Capable? That wasn’t something Hamra had ever been called before, except by maybe Veko. But Veko was his brother, his twin. It would look bad if Veko openly considered his own flesh and blood to be mess that he was.
“You don’t think so?” Sonja asked. She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, then suddenly spun around to pick Olek back up. “Here, would you like to hold him?”
Hamra’s slow heartbeat raced to a speed he wasn’t aware it could get to anymore. The baby reached out for him and Hamra surged backwards til he hit the wall. Sonja’s face fell. Fuck, he didn’t mean to make her upset! He just couldn’t… How could he hold a baby? How could he hold something so precious? All he did was destroy; all he did was hurt. Even Veko, the only person in the world to care for him despite everything he was, had been burned and scarred by Hamra’s destruction.
Hamra didn’t realize Sonja was calling him for a few moments. When he came back to himself, breath haggard, he found himself on the floor, curled with his knees to his chest. Sonja was kneeling a few feet away. Hamra sniffed, smelling before seeing with horror that Sonja was crying.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” she was saying, hands held up. “Master Witcher, I’m sorry, so sorry, are you alright?”
Hamra swallowed hard and slammed his hand onto the stone floor a lot harder than he meant to. Sonja flinched, but didn’t flee or move forward. Hamra scraped his hand along the stone, catching tiny bits of gravel and dirt in the lines of his palm, forward and back, forward and back, as the rest of the room came into focus. Olek was in his crib, making distressed noises.
“M-master Witcher?” Sonja said softly. Hamra sniffed again and nodded, staring at a point on the floor between them. “M-may I…?”
What was she asking? May she what? May she leave? She was a nice girl, probably trying to be polite to this fucking wreck of a Witcher—wreck of a grown man, even! But when he nodded, all she did was slide forward on her knees a few feet until she was directly in front of him.
It wasn’t until she reached out and towards him that he realized he was making a soft keening noise, because as soon as she touched his knee, he stopped. Sonja searched his eyes, and what she was looking for he had no idea.
“I’m sorry,” Sonja whispered. “I-I didn’t mean to upset you, Master Witcher. It’s ok. You don’t need to hold the baby if you don’t want to.”
Sonja gently brushed her thumb over Hamra’s knee and all of his attention focused on the feel of her hand on him. Why was she touching him? Didn’t she know what he could’ve done just then? What happened when Cats lose time like that? What happened to the people around them?
He must’ve made a noise or a face or something, because Sonja’s hand slid off of his knee. “O-ok,” she said softly, holding her hands up again for him to see. After a moment, she slowly lowered them to clasp together her lap. Mercifully, she also broke their eye contact. “I-I didn’t mean to… W-well, um…” A few tears dropped onto her skirt and she wiped her eyes hastily. He’d made her cry. She was nice to him, said hi and bye to him, and he made her cry!
“I’m sorry,” he choked out, the words sounding almost punched out of him.
“N-no, it’s not your fault!” Sonja said, waving her hands. “I-I didn’t know that would set spark.”
Set… What?
Again, Hamra must’ve made a face, because Sonja hurried to continue. “I-It’s something Miss Heddy says,” she explained. “She says some people call it different things but it’s like… when you’re trying to start a fire, a single spark is sometimes all it takes. And even though it’s so small, it can build and build until the fire is so large.” Sonja fumbled with the hem of her skirt and swallowed. “Some people, some things they hear or see or—or sometimes even smell, it… sets spark. Fritz and I… we were in a bad place, before the White Wolf came to power. And sometimes… sometimes I still… spark. Over small things. And I—I lose myself. B-but it’s ok! It happens to a lot of people. Especially people who have seen a lot of bad things in their lives.”
Hamra was enraptured; he thought this was only a thing that happened because of his mutations and his fucked up head. The idea that others experienced even something similar to what he had—it was almost overwhelming. And the idea that it happened to Sonja… made Hamra incredibly sad. She was so nice; she shouldn’t have to experience that.
Sonja nodded to herself and met Hamra’s eyes again. “I don’t always, um,” she bit her lip again, searching for the words. “I don’t always lose my breath, like that. I… cry. And I get quiet. I-I know I talk a lot, and I ramble, but… but when something sets spark, I go quiet. Because I was… never supposed to speak, before. They didn’t like it. And when something sparks, it’s like I’m back there again and I need to be quiet. Or something bad will happen. A-and I know the people around me aren’t them, but it’s like a part of my mind can’t tell the difference.”
Hamra wanted to destroy any and everything that ever made Sonja feel that way. For a moment, he almost became consumed by the anger at the mere thought. He started breathing heavier, but tried so hard to calm down. No, this wasn’t helping. He was just going to make it worse.
Hamra slammed his head back against the wall and Sonja yelped. “N-no! Don’t do that!” she exclaimed. “Please, don’t do that, I’m sorry Master Witcher!”
Admittedly, it hadn’t been a great idea, but the pain in Hamra’s head made his anger fade. He cupped the back of his head in one and and curled forward with a groan. He heard the rustling of fabric and very gently, Sonja’s hand came to rest on the back of his.
Hamra looked up at her as she was wiping her eyes again. “That’s another thing some people do,” she said. “H-hurt themselves. Please, Master Witcher, don’t do that.”
“H-hamra,” Hamra said softly.
“Master Hamra,” Sonja said, nodding.
Hamra shook his head. “Just… just Hamra.”
Sonja smiled, and fuck if it wasn’t beautiful. Behind them, Olek let out a loud whine and Hamra winced. Sonja stood and went to the crib; Hamra stood as she did so. Fuck, he felt like he’d just been hit by… well, every Witcher in the keep. And a wyvern.
Sonja settled Olek down and when she turned, Hamra was already back in the rafters. She smiled gently at him and nodded. He nodded back and waved. Why did he wave?
“If, um,” Sonja cleared her throat. “If you ever need—or want—to… to talk. I’m, um. I’ll—I’ll listen. Or if you just need someone to—to be there—“ She was blushing, and Hamra could hear her rapid heartbeat. “I can…” Sonja gathered the supplies she’d brought for Olek and took a deep breath. “I, um, I need to be going now. Think about it, maybe?”
As Sonja opened the door, something akin to courage came over Hamra. “Goodbye, Sonja,” he said.
Sonja smiled up at him softly. “Good day, Hamra.”