Chapter Text
“Well,” Jaehyun says, nodding thoughtfully. “I think I know what you should do.”
Johnny perks up at that, momentarily stopping as he reaches for another fry. They’re both sitting at their favorite diner, a rundown place that sells amazing burgers for college student burgers, and consequently where they often ate lunch during their first year working together. It’s fair to say that Johnny and Jaehyun’s friendship was built within these cheap vynil red seats, and so to this day this is their favorite place to just hang out.
“What?” Johnny urges his to continue, eager.
“Stop being a dumbass.”
Johnny inhales deeply, taking a moment to debate what would be the consequences of punching his best friend in public. They’ve been here often enough that the waiters know them, so the chances of being kicked out are low, but he doesn’t want to make a scene; so instead, he kicks Jaehyun’s shin under the table, mildly mitigated by the younger choking on his drink.
“What was that for?” Jaehyun complains, reaching under the table to rub at the skin. “I’m being serious!”
“I took you out, paid for your dinner and just spent the last half an hour pouring my heart out for you,” Johnny narrows his eyes. “So forgive me if I didn’t feel seriousness in your four word solution.”
Jaehyun’s attempt at a pout would be a lot more effective if a grin wasn’t trying to fight it’s way out as well. “Who said that was all I had? I just thought I should summarize it at first.”
Johnny crosses his arms on his chest, leaning back on his seat. “Oh, then feel free to go ahead and give me the full version.”
“Dude, listen. I absolutely appreciate that you shared all of that with me, and I get that this is a complicated situation — by you guys’ fault, by the way — but the solution just seems pretty clear to me.” Jaehyun explains in between bites of his fries. “Just tell them you want more.”
Johnny frowns, shifting in his seat. “It’s not that simple.”
“Why?” Jaehyun questions, raising his eyebrows. “And don’t tell me you don’t know if they like you like that because I swear to—”
Johnny interrupts Jaehyun’s rant by shoving another fry in his mouth. “It’s not that, shut up. I— I know they have feelings for me, yeah. But there’s a huge step between that and being a part of their relationship.”
Jaehyun snorts, shaking his head. “I like how you said feelings like you were telling me they share a contagious disease. And is it really that big of a step, though? Most relationships start a lot earlier, in terms of feelings and shit. Like, me and Yuta took months to say ‘I love you’, and you and Taeyong are already there.”
It’s a good point, and Johnny’s been thinking it for a while — it seems almost ironic that his relationship with Taeyong is the farthest he has come in terms of feelings with someone else, being that he didn’t really love any of his college significant others, and yet it still feels like this relationship is the most fragile as well, where it’s hardest for him to find stable footing.
“Well, most relationships don’t include three people.” Johnny says after a moment, picking up a fry and placing it back. “And two of them haven’t been dating for over a year.”
Jaehyun nods, and there’s an understanding that takes his expression. He pushes Johnny’s burger towards the older, taking notice he hasn’t been able to eat yet, and Johnny reluctantly takes a bite; it tastes amazing, and that’s a little consoling. “That’s what you’re hung up on, isn’t it? That they’ve already been dating for a while.”
At least chewing on his burger gives Johnny a moment to stall, but he knows there’s no running from it. This is what he came here for anyway, to try and pick apart what’s going on inside his mind, and despite how uncomfortable it can be for Johnny to admit such vulnerabilities and insecurities, he has to.
“I just feel like I’m never going to belong there as much as they do.”
He says it quietly, but once the words are out, there’s a bubbling of other feelings coming to the surface, stuff he hasn’t allowed himself to vocalize before. “Like, how am I going to ever be on equal footing with them, if I already started out so far behind? It’s not that they don’t try to include me on stuff or make me feel left out, because most of the time it’s fine, but it’s just all these little things when we’re together, like memories I’m not a part of, or things about each other only they know, and… It just kind of sucks.”
Jaehyun studies him for a moment, thinking as he chews on his fries. Someone else might have interpreted the younger’s calm demeanor as a lack of interest in the subject, but Johnny knows better; the reason Jaehyun is the one friend he felt comfortable to go for a advice goes beyond how much he already knows of the situation, but also takes in the fact that the younger hides a lot of unexpected wisdom in his slow, easy way of life — a simplicity and clear mind that Johnny doesn’t have right now.
“I get what you’re saying, but like, why does it matter so much that they have history before you? The way I see it, this stuff is only going to be important in the long run if you let it, Johnny.” Jaehyun reasons. “Yeah, sure, there’s shit you don’t know yet, but isn’t that part of the fun when you get in a relationship? I’m sure there’s things about you that they don’t know, especially Doyoung, and you guys have so much time to find out at your pace. You’re never going to be part of their memories together, the same way Doyoung is never going to be a part of your memories with Taeyong, but I guarantee you’ll be so busy creating new ones that it just won’t matter. At the end of the day, if you trust them not to make you feel left out, then you’re not going to be, Johnny.”
Johnny can recognize Jaehyun is right, but it’s still hard to accept that if he wants to make it work, he’d need patience, and recognizing things have their own pace. He’s already emotionally involved, and seeing where Doyoung and Taeyong are with each other, it’s natural that deep down all he wishes is to be able to skip ahead to that.
“They’re already a huge part of each other’s lives, though.” Johnny finally adds, and his voice is surprisingly small. “Their parents know of their relationship, they have plans for the future. Where do I fit in that?”
“Dude, you need to stop thinking it’s all about you.”
Johnny looks offended at that, and Jaehyun cracks a laugh. “Hang on, let me finish. It’s just, you gotta stop talking like you’re the only one getting in a new relationship — they’re doing it too!” He exclaims, throwing a fry at Johnny. “Even if they’re already together, this is an entirely new thing. They had plans for the future, the same way you did too, and if you guys are serious about each other you’ll find something new, for the three of you.”
Johnny exhales at that, a little sheepish. “Yeah, that’s true.”
“You’re too much in your own head man, and we all know there ain’t shit going on there.” Jaehyun jokes, getting a huff of laughter from Johnny as well. “But you gotta talk to them about this.”
“I know.” Johnny concedes. “But how do I even bring it up something like that.”
Jaehyun bites into his own burger and speaks with his mouth full. “By bringing it up.”
“Dude, gross.” Johnny deadpans, and Jaehyun only shrugs. “I can’t be the one to say something first, like, ‘ Hey, so, when are you letting me in your relationship? ’. It’d be too much like I’m trying to insert myself into something I wasn’t invited to.”
Jaehyun, thankfully, finishes his mouthful before he speaks this time. “First of all, I trust you can be a bit more smooth than that bro. Second of all, it’s not like they haven’t been giving you plenty of non-verbal signs they want you to get more involved.”
“You don’t think it sounds pressupposing?”
“Maybe a few months ago, but not when you’re all already acting like you’re dating.” Jaehyun says. “This has been going on for too long, you can’t just keep waiting for them to take this step when arguably they’ve been the ones to reach out every other time.”
It’s true — in every step of the way, from that night when Taeyong first approached him down to the first time Doyoung texted him to come over, the couple has always been the one to shift the status quo. Johnny has always been too hesitant, too afraid to ask for more than he was allowed to long for.
“But it’s a lot less of a risk to them, because they have each other and that’s not going to change. If this doesn’t work out for me, I— well, I don’t have either of them anymore.”
Jaehyun nods, a hint of understanding and sympathy when he looks at Johnny. “That’s true, it is a big risk for you. But would you be happy indefinitely with things as they are when you so obviously want more?”
Johnny feels his heart clench at that, and he realizes he’s already known the answer to that question for quite a long time.
“No.” He says, honest. “I guess I wouldn’t.”
Jaehyun raises his soda at that, as if saying ‘there it is’ . It’s quiet for a bit as Jaehyun continues to eat, and Johnny is allowed to simmer in his thoughts for a while. He came in tonight trying to make sense of how his feelings, increasingly complicated, only to understand they were a lot less confusing than he thought — there’s no escaping or trying to reason himself out of desiring to be with them.
It doesn’t make the less step less daunting, but he can see it now that there is no pushing it off either. It’s up to Johnny to be able to quell his insecurities for once, long enough to take a step in faith.
“Thanks, dude.” Johnny finally says, reaching for his burger again now that he feels the slightly bit lighter. “I promise you won’t have to keep listening to me whining about this for much longer. Well, unless it all goes to shit, then you’ll probably hear a lot of it.”
“No worries men, that’s what friends are for.” He reaches across the table with his fist, which Johnny bumps, cracking a smile at the gesture. “And if it’s any consolation, I think it’ll be fine. You all fit together really well, in a weird, sort of chaotic way.”
“Yeah.” Johnny laughs, memories of two days ago when the three of them spent forty minutes trying to decide a restaurant to go to, only to pick a choice no one wanted and then bond over complaining about it later. “I think I know what you mean.”
It’s been two weeks since Johnny’s enlightening conversation with Jaehyun at the diner, and he still hasn't talked to Taeyong and Doyoung.
To be fair, he tried — if by tried you also mean pumping yourself up to do it over and over, and chickening out at the last minute once the opportunity shows up. He tells himself (and Jaehyun) there hasn’t been a right moment yet, that it felt weird to spring up such a serious conversation on them out of nowhere, but he knows that’s just part of it; mostly, whenever they’re together and his mind is clinging to the comfort and love, he’s too much of a coward to risk it all.
The longer he pushes it off, the more antsy he seems to grow though, and so he’s been preparing meticulously for tonight, where he won’t have any excuse not to pull through. It’s a simple plan when it comes down to it: two days ago, he invited the couple to have dinner at his place, and lightly suggested he wants to talk — this way, they won’t come expecting a booty call just to be surprised with what he has to say, and there’s a lower chance he’ll be able to back out of it. The choice of having it in his apartment is deliberate too; in the chance it goes horribly, at least he won’t have to drive home while sobbing at the wheel.
A less thought out decision, however, was that instead of ordering ahead at their favorite Sushi place and calling it a day, Johnny just had to go the extra mile and decide he was going to make an attempt at cooking dinner. It was partly because Doyoung and Taeyong won’t stop calling him a bad cook (which is not true — he’s at least decent ) and partly as a way to distract himself throughout the afternoon, but the “40 minutes” recipe his mother sent him is turning out to be more on the two hour mark, and he belatedly wishes he didn’t choose tonight of all nights to try and prove a point.
(At least, fretting over the lamb being cooked through and whether or not he already added salt to sauce is keeping him from worrying over the impending possible rejection and heartbreak happening in less than an hour — so silver linings, really.)
When the lamb in the oven is almost at medium rare and all there’s left to do is cook the broccoli and potatoes, Johnny takes a shower and hopes nothing will go terribly wrong at the kitchen. It seems like his calculations were a little off though, because by the time he makes it back there’s only 15 minutes until the couple arrives and the lamb is definitely further than medium rare.
“Well, at least it’s not burned.” He sighs, looking at the pan he just frantically pulled off the oven. “It’s all under control.”
Famous last words, he’ll curse himself later, because in the next five minutes or so he starts noticing things are most definitely not under control. Turns out he might’ve indeed added a little too much salt to the sauce, and looking at the broccoli he remembers he should’ve cut that ahead, too. The kitchen is a mess, and his plan to have the table set up for a romantic dinner before the couple arrived is slowly flying out the window as he comes to accept the fact there is no way he’ll be able to have it all done in time.
That’s how Taeyong and Doyoung find him, standing in the kitchen slightly overwhelmed about how to salvage the situation and maybe just a little dejected at the bad omen this seems to be. They use Taeyong’s key to get in, shrugging off their coats and car keys next to the door, but once they realize what Johnny is doing they both look somewhere in between curious and bewildered.
“Hey, are you actually cooking dinner for us?” Taeyong asks, something akin to wonder and harmless teasing in his voice. “Seriously, what’s the occasion?”
“Well, I’m trying to.” Johnny rubs at the back of his neck sheepishly, and leans down to accept Taeyong’s greeting kiss. “But I don’t think it’s going all that well.”
Taeyong is already shuffling away to smell and inspect the things in Johnny’s counter, and Doyoung approaches to get his own peck — a relatively recent development that doesn’t feel as out of place anymore. “The lamb looks pretty good though. What kind of sauce is that?”
“Sour cream,” Johnny sighs, but once Doyoung takes a spoon to give it a try he warns. “It’s pretty salty, though. I don’t know what to do about it.”
Doyoung’s face twists minimally once the taste kicks in, and Johnny smiles fondly at his effort. “Do you want some help? I can just put it back to boil with a piece of potato, and it’ll take away some of the salt.”
Johnny blinks, the solution something he never would’ve imagined by himself. He debates refusing the help, a tiny voice at the back of his head still stubborn over showing he can do it alone (especially around Doyoung), but the bigger part (the growing part) recognizes it’s not worth it; there’s already so much for him to be stressed over about tonight, he would be dumb to make a simple dinner one more. “Yeah, that would be great. I just need to cut the broccoli so it can cook for a few minutes, but the rest of the dinner is practically done.”
“Look at you, all hubby material.” Taeyong teases, back hugging Johnny for a moment and giggling at his blushing neck. “I’m going to set the table, then.”
For the next ten minutes or so they work peacefully around Johnny’s kitchen, a choreographed image of domesticity as they reach for things and move around each other in familiarity. Johnny’s phone is still playing on shuffle in the background, John Mayer’s voice singing them through it, and they fill the empty space with light conversation about their day and other easy topics.
Johnny’s heart squeezes a little, and he tries to swallow down the pressure in his throat. It’d be so, so easy for him to pretend this is enough, but how much harder would it really be for it to mean as much as he wants it to as well?
Once they sit down to eat, Johnny watches with a little pride as both of them eat his dinner eagerly; he can’t tell if it’s just for his sake or if they actually think it’s that good, but personally, he’s pretty satisfied with his efforts. “So, will you guys stop saying I’m a terrible cook now?”
Doyoung chews on his lamb thoughtfully. “One dinner isn’t enough for me to know for sure, though. This could’ve been a fluke.”
“You just don’t want to admit someone else can cook between the three of us.” Johnny scoffs.
“Someone else can,” Doyoung agrees, grinning. “and it’s Taeyong.”
Taeyong laughs, reaching over to poke at Johnny’s cheek when the older begins to pout. “He’s just trying to rile you into cooking for him more.”
“Touché.” Doyoung shrugs. “I wanna pull some Taeyong and just lay around looking pretty while you both feed me.”
Johnny can’t resist being cheeky. “Is that a food kink or something?”
“If it is, that’s where I’m drawing the line.” Taeyong interrupts, jumping in. “I’m not washing chocolate or whatever else stained sheets.”
“It’s more of a ‘I want to laze around’ kink.” Doyoung rolls his eyes. “Which both of you already have.”
Throughout all of their time together, Johnny has come to enjoy these moments the most: eating together, banter over shared pieces of food and offers to serve more wine. There’s a reason they stay at home so much instead of going out, and it goes beyond the weird looks they might get — with the stress and busy days, this is a small form of bliss, just spending the mundanity of each day with each other.
If either Doyoung or Taeyong are thinking about what Johnny invited them over to talk about, they’re doing their best not to show it; this feels like any other night when they’re together. Johnny can’t decide whether that’s for better or worse; for one, he feels his nerves a little eased by their very particular brand of care — when Taeyong is reaching to play with the hair in Johnny’s nape and Doyoung keeps pushing more pieces of potato into Johnny’s plate, it’s hard to imagine either of them rejecting him — but on the other hand, he was kind of hoping they might pull the words out of him.
Because he’s starting to feel like this might be another failed attempt at it.
There’s all these opportunities, small lulls in conversations or moments where he feels really warm from affection, and he thinks ‘do it now, this is the right time’, but the words choke him out and become something else when he says it. Johnny’s getting increasingly frustrated, with the situation but mostly with himself — how can he expect to be in a committed relationship with two other people when basic communication seems like such a hurdle to him?
Johnny tries not to let the drop to his mood reach his smile, but when Taeyong reaches under the table to lightly squeeze at his tight, he can tell the younger is attuned enough to his feelings to just know. He smiles brightly at Johnny when the older looks at him, questioningly, and it’s the perfect picture of easygoing, welcoming; a gesture meant to calm him even when Taeyong might not know what for.
Johnny could say it now, he could, he wants to, he should…
“I’m going to get us some blankets.” Johnny says instead, choking slightly around his words. “To— go on the couch, and stuff.”
Both of them are quiet for a beat, and when Johnny’s eyes catch Doyoung’s, he thinks he sees something there — apprehension, perhaps a little worry. He doesn’t say anything though, only nodding and smiling lightly with his lips, and Taeyong pats Johnny’s thigh one last time. “Alright, me and Doie will clean this up since you took care of dinner.”
Johnny stares at the blankets in his wardrobe long enough that his eyes aren’t focusing on anything anymore. There’s a bitterness in his mouth, and he doesn’t know if it’s the wave of self-loathing or just the feeling of defeat starting to settle in. He debates calling Jaehyun, getting his best friend to psych him up, but he’s frankly too embarrassed to do so; he’s a grown man, he shouldn’t need to be coached through this.
His hands reach for the blanket at the lowest shelf automatically, curling into it’s familiar fuzzy softness and letting it comfort him for a second. He’s reminded of when he first bought it, together with Taeyong who rubbed his cheek against every single option in the store, and of all the nights they’ve spent cuddled under it. He thinks back at how Doyoung complained about it being too small for three people when they all tried getting under it on the same couch, and how that simply became an excuse for the other two to cuddle him closer.
It’s stupid to get emotional under a blanket, but it carries so many memories of the last year; some happier than others, though all special in their own ways. There are hundreds of objects like this around Johnny’s apartament, even more on the couple’s, and it’s pieces of a life they’ve been leading together, even through all the bumps and miscommunications.
Johnny tries to imagine a future where all of these objects lose their meaning, and it stings so sharply at his chest he nearly loses his breath for a second.
Johnny walks into the kitchen with hurried steps, afraid he’ll lose the bravado, afraid he’ll miss another moment lest it’s a moment too late. The couple is working silently through the dishes, but when all runs into the kitchen holding a blanket to his chest, Taeyong and Doyoung look at him curiously.
“Are we dating?”
The question seems to stun them, if the way both of them freeze looking at him is any induction. Johnny doesn’t give them the chance for an answer though, rushing his own words to explain himself better, trying to gather at least a few of the words he so carefully rehearsed only to completely escape his mind in the nerves of the moment.
“I mean— I know we’re not, but… should we? Are we going to, ever? Because it feels—” He stares fixated at one of the walls, too nervous to see their expressions. “It feels like sometimes we already are, and sometimes we aren’t, and I can’t keep doing it like that.”
Johnny feels a weight of his chest at having the words floating in the air between them, but it’s hardly noticeable around the bubble of anxiety when neither of them react immediately. He glances up then, and they’re sharing a look that Johnny can’t quite decipher before Taeyong puts the glass he was holding down.
“I guess it’s time we’ve had this conversation, huh.” He says softly, and Johnny feels a little relieved that he doesn’t appear too shocked, or horrified at the idea. “We should probably be seated down for this, though.”
Johnny nods, but there’s a few seconds delay before he moves towards the living room, trying to calm himself down on the way — he’s been waiting for this for a long time, and he wants to do it right. Doyoung and Taeyong follow behind quietly, but when Johnny settles at one edge of the couch, there’s a moment of hesitation from the two of them; Johnny tries not to read too much into it, ignore the spike in his chest from how on edge he feels, but he still thinks it’s noticeable that he relaxes when Doyoung sits down next to him, Taeyong on the other end.
Johnny’s fingers playing nervously with the blanket on his lap is the only nervous tick he allows himself to show; he doesn’t want them to be hesitant to share their honest feelings just because they’re afraid of his reaction, or of him getting hurt. Looking at Doyoung sitting right next to him, he can tell the younger is equally agitated, and the fact that he can’t tell if it’s a good sign or not doesn’t help his anxiety to have them say something already.
He’s not surprised that Taeyong is the one who first speaks. In a situation like this, it’s starkling clear how much further along in terms of communication and emotional maturity he is compared to the two of them; Johnny can’t imagine he doesn’t feel at least a little apprehensive about this, but when he speaks, his voice is calm, warm. “Johnny, are you telling us you want to date us? For the three of us to be boyfriends?”
There are butterflies in Johnny’s stomach from hearing Taeyong say the word “boyfriends” referring to the three of them, and it’s such an innocent moment amidst the tension that Johnny can’t help but hold it dear to his chest. “Yeah, I do.”
“Can I ask for how long?” Taeyong says.
Johnny lets out a humorless chuckle at that. “Consciously? A few weeks, I think. Deep down though, I think I’ve wanted it for a long time — I was just scared of it, because it never felt like something I could want. But then you happened, ” He glances at Doyoung, who’s watching him attentively now. “and especially after we stopped going at each other’s throat… I think it got a little too close to heart for me to ignore.”
Having Doyoung seated down right next to him, Johnny can watch as the back of his neck and ears slowly become flushed red, and he reaches over to pull lightly at his lobe without thinking about it. Doyoung startles a little in surprise, but doesn’t pull away from the small gesture, and Johnny starts letting something like hope take a timid place inside.
“I just want to know if there’s any way you guys see me like that,” Johnny adds. “It’s alright if you don't, I’ll survive it, so don’t feel pressured. I know it’s not… what you signed up for.”
Taeyong laughs at that, but it’s a short little thing, surprised. When Johnny looks at him, the younger seems to be gathering his words; the look in his eyes, however, are a lovely hint at what they might be. The hope grows.
“It’s true, I didn’t sign up for that. But I also didn’t sign up for falling in love with you, and I did so maybe two months after we started going out, and I have never regretted it for a day since.” Taeyong says, Johnny’s breath stuttering at the honest words. “I might’ve felt guilty about it, torned up back when you and Doyoung couldn’t look at each other, but I’ve never wished for these feelings to go away. They’re precious to me, like a present better than what I could’ve imagined, and so to ask if I see you like that… Johnny, I’ve seen you like that everyday for nearly a year now.”
Taeyong interrupts himself for a second, and when he stares up at the ceiling, Johnny realizes he’s trying to hold back tears; his voice is choked up when he continues to speak. “I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve dreamed of it, of calling you my boyfriend and being able to know you are mine, for real. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you before, or that I’ve ever made you feel like I didn’t see you as something that could be more for me — I just knew that back then, it would’ve never worked, so I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to hurt you, or me or Doie.”
The words hit Johnny like punches, and they all come too close to home, to the reasons Johnny was never able to tell Taeyong he loved him back, to why he always kept his feelings so close to his chest. He reaches across the couch, taking Taeyong’s hand in his as Doyoung reaches to wipe a few of his boyfriend’s tears.
“I— I understand Yongie, please don’t say sorry. I’ve never been able to tell you this before, because I thought it’d hurt too much to say it and know it wouldn’t change anything, but you know I love you, right? You are the first person I can truly say I’ve ever loved.”
Taeyong chuckles wetly at that, nodding. “I know. But thank you for telling me.”
Johnny asks, hesitating. “Do you think it could work, now?”
Taeyong looks at Doyoung, then, and takes the younger’s hand that had been cupping at his cheek to place a kiss on the back of his palm. “Yes, I do.”
The hope in Johnny’s chest is growing so quickly now, he has to make a conscientious effort to tune it down. He looks at Doyoung too, watches the olders face somewhere in between thoughtful and anxious, and Johnny knows that in a way, this is the hardest part of it. He already knew Taeyong loved him, and even if there was a chance that wouldn’t translate into the older’s desire for a relationship with him, it was slim compared to Doyoung (who’s only really stopped hating Johnny in the last few months) wanting it too.
Doyoung stares so intently at the TV, for a moment Johnny thinks he’s going to speak like that; in a way, he might’ve preferred it, because when Doyoung turns around to look at him instead his eyes carry a weight that makes Johnny’s heart stutter a bit.
“I knew Taeyong fell for you pretty soon after he knew it himself,” His voice is sincere and deliberate when he speaks, no space for the familiar teasing lilt to his words. “And before he told me, if I’m being honest. I could tell, from the way he spoke about you to the way his eyes were shining after you dropped him home. He asked me what I thought about it, if it made me uncomfortable, and I knew he was scared I would say yes because he didn’t want to let go of those feelings — he might’ve, for me, but he didn’t want to, and I wouldn’t make him.”
“I don’t think I was ever jealous, but it was weird getting used to, and I guess I didn’t understand it. I got why he was attracted to you, because I was too, but I never got to know the Johnny he fell for — the more he spoke about you like you hung the stars or something, the more curious I became I guess. I think I only ever really understood it after we started sleeping together, and well—” He hints at a grin, amused at himself. “I hated that I started falling for it, too.”
“I wanted to hate you, because that was all I knew when it came to you, and because you were legitimately infuriating at work. But I ended up hating that you made me laugh so much, and that you were so good in bed, and that you ate all my food like it was the best thing you’ve ever tried. You continue to be annoying, but you know just where to poke at not to make me truly mad, and I guess it reminded me of why I fell for Taeyong, too.”
Johnny listens to every word like puzzle pieces falling together, small moments he alway wondered about, things he never thought he would understand about the mess their relationship became. Unlike Johnny, who’s plainly constipated and too proud to be open about his feelings, Doyoung is more so the type to keep things close to his chest, analyzing. The fact that he’s sharing all of this now means he wants Johnny to fully understand his position, and the older desperately hopes .
“I guess this was a long winded way to preface that while I do not love you, Johnny,” He says, genuine. “I think given time, I will. I can’t promise it’ll be as fast, or as easy as it was with Taeyong, but I don’t expect that from you either. There’s still so much about me that you need to learn about, and there’s a lot you haven’t shared with me either, and— I think the easiest way to say it is that I do think this to work. But I don’t want us to rush into it, because I really think me and you deserve to have our own pace, too.”
Johnny is reminded of Jaehyun’s words to him, and about having patience. He’s been struggling with his for a while, a hard pill to swallow among his own eagerness to a happy ending, but somehow, Doyoung’s eyes looking at him with so much expectation and vulnerability make the words look a lot less daunting to him.
He wants to fall for Doyoung, too. It’s only fair to allow himself time to.
“I will, too.” Johnny says, and he has to clear his throat before continuing. “Fall in love with you, I mean. And I don’t mind if we go slow but — I really, really want us to be boyfriends, committed. I don’t want it to become another in between because I’m tired of those.”
“We’re already committed to you, Johnny.” Taeyong says. “I think you should know, but me and Doyoung decided to stop sleeping with other people over a month ago now — and it was a formality, because I’ve never slept with anyone but you and he stopped sleeping casually with other people when he started sleeping with you, too — but I just didn’t feel right anymore, not when we wanted something else.”
That surprises Johnny. “You guys talked about dating me, before?”
“Oh, a lot.” Doyoung chuckles, taking Johnny’s free hand. “We wanted to ask you ever since that time when we both slept here. But we thought it might pressure you, so we decided to wait so that you approached us instead, if you felt comfortable and wanted it.”
“It wasn’t that I didn’t feel comfortable before.” Johnny explains himself. “But I spent such a long time worrying about never overstepping, it was really hard for me even if I had a guess you both had feelings for me as well.”
Doyoung nods, thoughtful. “I guess we didn’t consider that it would’ve felt different for you, but for us, there wasn’t really a line to cross, not anymore. We would’ve never thought of it as overstepping because to us, you're already a part of our relationship Johnny.”
Oh, Johnny thinks, and then he verbalizes it, dumb with the whirlwind of feelings building in his chest. "Oh. That's... yeah."
As the words settle between the three of them, Johnny thinks quietly to himself that he has never felt so blissful in his entire life. It’s a different brand of happiness, one that makes his entire body relax after being so tense with anxiety, and one that makes him feel like there is nothing that could reach him now, or burst his bubble. There’s still so much they need to talk about, stuff they’ll have to work through together, but right now — right now, all Johnny wants is to kiss them. So he does.
He kisses Doyoung first, because he’s closer, and the squeaky sound the younger makes against his lips is just another thing to add to the growing list of things making Johnny’s insides feel like a shaken fizzy drink. There’s nothing special about it, nothing different from any other time they’ve kissed, but Johnny is sappy enough to think, ‘ this feels like a first time ’. When he pulls away, still brushing his lips against the corner of Doyoung’s mouth that started to smile, he notices that Taeyong has come a lot closer now. He doesn’t even blink before his hand reaches up, cupping those adorable cheeks and looking at his bright, huge eyes for just one second before he kisses him too.
Johnny doesn’t even have time to wax poetry about it this time around, because Taeyong stars to giggle against his lips; small at first, but so intense at one point Johnny can’t possibly kiss his anymore. He pulls away, confused but so fondly amused. “What?”
“Sorry, I just—” Taeyong tries, and then giggles again. “You’re my boyfriends now. My two beautiful, perfect, dumbass boyfriends. Boyfriends .”
Johnny thinks he’ll melt in the spot. “So it’s official, then?”
Taeyong’s giggle interrupts. “Is it not ?”
“Calm down, I think it’s official.” Doyoung interrupts, though he’s grinning as well. “Boyfriends, plural, you can giggle away.”
“Two hands to hold and two dicks to suck…” Taeyong sighs wistfully, settling himself in Doyoung’s lap so that he can lay his head on Johnny's shoulder. “I wonder who do I have to thank for this.”
Johnny laughs as he cards his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair, revelling in how Doyoung leans into it, relaxed. “Jaehyun, probably. He was the one who knocked some sense into my head.”
Doyoung makes a face, snorting. “God, please don’t, Taeyong. Can you imagine how smug he’ll be?”
“He’s never smug with me,” Taeyong grins, cheeky and with gleaming eyes. “But perhaps I can be dissuaded…”
The other two share one look before laughing at their boyfriend, the attempt of seduction dropping a lot less smoothly than he might’ve hoped. “Very sutil, Taeyong.”
Taeyong huffs, rolling his eyes. “I don’t it to be sutil , I need you two to carry me over to the bedroom and fuck me through tomorrow. You know, to celebrate.”
“Celebrate,” Johnny repeats, shaking his head. “your two hands and two dicks?”
“Technically it should be four hands—”
“Yes, of course.” Taeyong interrupts Doyoung. “And our new relationship and bla bla bla.”
Doyoung sighs, but the way he sits up straighter to have one of his arms around Taeyong’s waist shows he’s not really displeased. His other hand is already on Johnny’s thigh, and it’s quite ridiculous for Johnny to feel giddy at the way they’re all touching each other right now and yet, he very much does.
“Can you believe,” Doyoung looks at Johnny. “That Taeyong’s long game to have two people to spoil him like the brat he is actually worked?”
“I already had two people to spoil me,” Taeyong giggles. “But now, I’ll have it for the rest of our life.”
Johnny laughs along, happy and in love but feeling that deep down, he’s the one who got lucky beyond measure. "That's quite the deal, I think."
"I know," Taeyong sighs happily. "But I already have an idea of how to show my appreciation for it."
They spend a long time like that, kissing and giggling on Johnny's too small couch like they're a bunch of teenagers, full on laughing once Taeyong tries to put his entire weight on Doyoung's knees and ends up falling backwards onto the rug instead, almost taking his boyfriend's bottom lip with him. It's already late into the night when they make their way to the bedroom, and Taeyong stumbles around like he's inhebriated just from laughing at Johnny carrying Doyoung over his shoulders, ignoring the younger's protests just to get a rise out of him. When they fall into the sheets, it's sloppy and playful in all the right ways, making an uncordinated symphony of sounds that have the neighbors banging on the walls, only to be drawn out by another scream.
It's chaotic, but it's theirs.
A few of Taeyong's words ring in Johnny's mind, a good omen of a future he's starting to let himself dream of, now.
The rest of our life.
Johnny rather likes the sound of that.
(Sometimes, Johnny lets himself watch.
Tonight, he watches as Doyoung falls into bed first, after changing the sheets and claiming his favorite side. He watches Taeyong nag him about putting on socks, arguing he’ll get sick with the chilly weather at night, and then attempts to force a pair onto his feet despite half-hearted complaints.
Johnny pulls Taeyong to bed himself, before he starts fussing about yet another thing, and watches as the younger clings to him like a koala, almost getting smushed into the mattress when the Johnny has to reach over him to turn the lamp off. He doesn’t see when Doyoung puts his arms around his waist, pulling Johnny into his chest and placing a soft kiss at his shoulder, but he feels it just the same.
He lets himself watch up until his eyeslids are heavy and he's nearly falling asleep, but it’s all different now.
To heal a wound, you need to spot picking at it. Johnny tries to look for it, but there is no more itch.
It will heal.)