Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

As soon as Spinel left in the hand of the Diamonds to Homeworld, her journey took just a few hours.

For her, it was just minutes; it is not as if measuring time after spending six thousand years still in a garden was easy.

She could count twenty seconds in what a normal person could reach a minute or more.

She could swear she was in the garden two thousand years, maybe three instead of six.

The few hours that trip lasted were the most joyful and real in a long time.

Again she was entertaining diamonds, playing games or making jokes, she was making them laugh and they seemed fascinated by her.

She had missed making people laugh.

The annoyance of knowing that sooner or later they will know about her mistake (big mistake) was there, itching in her chest slightly, but noticeably enough to bother her.

For a few lapses of minutes, she was distracted enough to forget about the annoying sensation until her attention was completely brought to the palace the moment they arrived.

She had been there before, but only for a brief moment, she was supposed to be a surprise for Pink, so she was immediately taken to the diamonds and then waiting for her in the garden.

The place was immense, four buildings of the corresponding colors of each diamond, each with rooms and facilities to the preference of its owner, joined by a bridge and in the middle, rooms where the four met, including the main hall where Pink used to organize dances.

The place was huge enough for White to walk freely in the halls, which made it hugely big for someone like Spinel.

-Do you like it?- White's voice echoed behind her, slightly moving her hands on which she was standing.

Spinel nodded before smiling, they had to read her expression of surprise upon arrival and descent, she wasn't even there for a long time before, she was not allowed like any random gem.

In addition, Pink was not allowed to bring her or any organic being after the incident of the multicolored worms lost in the dance.

This was the home of the Diamonds, the most restricted place in Homeworld and they were welcoming her.

-I love it! - Spinel admitted delighted, happiness filled her chest for the first time in a long time.

This was going to be her home and they were her new friends, she was never going to be alone again.

The four diamonds gave a small tour of the place to the rooms that she could most like, although she would need to review everything again, there were too many rooms and corridors that connected to each other.

Spinel love Blue's pool, she couldn't wait to get in there, she loved the halls because there she could play hide and seek and once she knew them, nobody would be able to beat her; Yellow's extraction chamber was the perfect place to relax, warm and quiet.

When they passed through the main hall, Yellow said she could organize dances if she wanted to, Steven had taught them what a real party was like, with confetti and balloons, music and dancing.

It was very loud and incredibly disorganized, but the gems seemed to be having fun.

Diamonds instead ... well, it's not like having fun and dancing was simple being so huge and the gems so small.

They kept many of the details anyway, White had loved the colorful confetti.

It wasn't until they reached the pink building that Spinel's smile fell and the joy of a few moments ago completely disappeared.

On the other hand, for the diamonds, this was the place they most enthusiastically wanted to show her.

A mixture of enthusiasm, melancholy filtered into the voices of Blue and Yellow as they walked the halls, briefly naming the use that Pink used to give to each room.

Pink Pearl stayed there constantly, no longer serving White Diamond in the way that the rest of Pearls served Blue and Yellow completely voluntarily, taking off one step at a time.

With the freedom Steven had given them, she had used her to no longer serve White Diamond at all.

No matter who she had become now, White controlled her and ripped her out of a gem she loved, now that she had woken up she had realized that Pink was gone and couldn't even say goodbye.

Maybe it was just grudge or the fact that she still feared her, but she never wanted to go back to White again.

-Here is where Steven stays, but you can stay until we get a room for you- Blue Diamond spoke.

Like her new little treasure, they would fill her with gifts and fulfill her requests, but her arrival was sudden, if they wanted to give her something special like a room to her own taste, they need some time to prepare it.

-Here? - The word came out of Spinel's mouth before she could stop, her tone, with some disappointment in it and also surprise.

Four buildings, thousands of room, why they had to give her one that is in the pink wing?

She could stay anywhere else.

Literally, any other place.

Three eyes fell on her curiously, noticing the annoyance in her voice.

-Don't you like it? - Blue spoke again, the room looked quite comfortable and was no one else's than her old diamond.

 Despite knowing vaguely what happened to her because Steven said so, Spinel did not show in front of them the hatred and resentment she had for Pink.

She even sing about understanding what it was to love and miss her, Blue thought she would like to stay in a room that was so personal for what her diamond was.

-It will only be temporary, we need to get you another room before Steven returns-

Steven returns. Right, he came here often.

Spinel's fists clench, the knot in her stomach for having done something they would hate return.

He would tell them? Would they still love her when they find out that she tried to kill someone they adored?

A small breath came out of her mouth, an unconscious reaction of trying to relax, stop the growing anxiety in her chest.

-Spinel? - Her name came out of Blue's lips, dragging her back to reality and moving her thoughts away.

-If you do not like it…-

-No! - Spinel exclaimed quickly, interrupting the sentence in half.

-I love it, I can stay here- Maybe, if she earned her love before Steven returns, they wouldn't leave her alone.

Maybe if they love her, they wouldn't abandon her.

Would they love you like this?

A thought voice rang out behind her head, causing anxiety in her chest to grow again.

What else could she do more then try?

Despite the disgust she had in that room and everything that had to do with it, she accepted to please them.

She wouldn't cause problems on the first day of arrival, not when she had nothing more than that opportunity, in addition, they had said that it would be only temporary, which meant that the room would only be her for a short time, she could manage to not need it until she had her own.

The room was spacious, completely pink, with yellow, white and blue details decorating the walls.

It had empty bubbles floating on the ceiling and several randomly placed things on the floor of a small size, perfect for someone of her size. 

It must have been Steven's stuff.

When the diamonds left her to settle or explore, Spinel sighed heavily and the first thing she did was leave that room.

She didn't need to be there at that time, she could go to know the palace, the gems that lived there and maybe, eventually, the surroundings and all Homeworld.

She hardly knew that popular place, but she wanted to.

Spinel toured all the buildings, going room by room exploring what they had to know, some of them were closed, they must be private or so he assumed.

Perhaps the personal quarters of each diamond.

As she walked, a smile was planted on her face, emotion and tranquility filled her for a moment.

This time, she could really say that she was happy to meet them, happy to be here.

Happy to have already been found.

_________________ 

The days after her arrival, Spinel avoided entering that room at all costs, she had no human need to sleep or rest, so those days were exclusively out of that place, she met the Pearls, played with them, performed acts for the diamonds

She wanted to keep playing all the time, the diamonds seemed incredibly excited about her, they took turns talking and she made jokes or acts.

The most curious of all, was Yellow Diamond.

For all the jokes she could tell her and that she loved, curiously she wasn't looking for the next one, or asking for an act or something she enjoys like White or Blue.

Spinel wanted to entertain her as much as the other diamonds, to please her in whatever she asked, but she didn't seem to ask for anything more than her company.

Sometimes that made her anxious, unsure of what she expected of her.

It was easier to please someone when you know exactly what they expected from you and all Spinel wanted was to make her happy.

She wanted Yellow to love her, she wanted to be her friend, but she seemed to have problems on how to achieve that.

The first days were almost a routine jumping from games to games, acts and fun.

She behaved with them just as she did with Pink millennia ago, wishing, someday longing to return to the old sensation she used to have when she saw her, only this time, make sure she wouldn't get hurt.

It was a contradictory emotion, she wanted to feel like in the past, she missed the happiness that came with the ignorance of being nothing more than a toy, but at the same time, she completely refused to trust someone as much as she trust in the past. 

Whatever happens, she would never risk suffering the same pain twice. No one would break her so much again.

It wasn't until the fourth day of arrival at Homeworld, that she need to stop her games practically forced to her own disgust.

There was something in her physical form that just...was not right and she could not identify what it was.

A small physical discomfort in the back of her head, a nuisance that was gradually growing.

Luckily for her, that day Blue Diamond had invited her to the pool for the first time.

Of course she accepted the invitation immediately and enthusiastically, almost all the time it seemed to be in the hands of a diamond or all three.

She was never alone.

She liked there, she liked it a lot, they were all so kind and sweet to her.

Despite not wanting to get attached, being afraid to do so, she couldn't help but want that emotion and happiness to last forever.

Upon arriving at the blue facilities, she turned her legs into springs to jump down the huge stairs at the entrance, noticing a chant as soon as she crossed the door, a soft humming followed by other louder voices on par, together they create a soft and incredibly harmonious melody. 

Spinel could recognize Blue Diamond's voice in the background mixed with other voices that she couldn't identify at all.

It wasn't until she came up that she saw Blue brushing her long hair while three little Pearls keep her company.

All three of them were sitting on her legs in the long blue dress, Blue didn't seem to care in the least to have them resting on her.

Blue Pearl was completely submerged in the water, only one of her arms held on to the dress delicately, just enough to keep her chest and face out of the water effortlessly.

Near her, Yellow Pearl was sitting dipping nothing but her legs as she moved them rhythmically creating small waves in the water, for her wet clothes, she had entered as Blue recently.

Pink Pearl was on the opposite side of them, in front of Blue Diamond, half lying on her legs with her body submerged underwater.

As Spinel took more steps near them, she could tell more that the sweet voices that adorned the air were those of Blue Diamond, Pink Pearl, occasionally the other two Pearls and someone else, but she was too far away to know that it was the brush Blue used to comb her hair.

She took a few steps near the pool, calling everyone's attention and finally, Blue Diamond's.

-Spinel! - She smiled with emotion and sweetness mixed in her voice.

-You are here, come have fun with us- Invited hoping that the water is to her liking.

Since those Pearls were allowed to touch the water and in fact enter it for fun, they began to go very often.

-Do you know how to swim? - The beautiful and melodic voice rang again, echoing on the walls as Spinel moved closer to the pool.

-I can show you if you want- The voice of Blue Pearl was so soft and low that she could barely hear her kind proposal.

-It's not that difficult- Yellow Pearl said. It was scary to enter for the first time in a long time to something as warm, comforting and deep as that place could become, but not dangerous, not for them at least.

The worst thing that could happen was to sink to the bottom without knowing how to return and having to wait for someone to notice to help her out.

Spinel didn't even run that risk, she could easily stretch to the surface.

-Yes, I know how- Spinel replied with a small sideways smile, doubting a little.

There was a pond in the garden, it wasn't too deep, but it was enough for Pink and her to swim there, even do competitions or splashing games.

A small pang of purely emotional pain touched her gem for a brief moment, similar to the annoyance she felt when she learned that sooner or later they would find out about her mistake and most likely no longer wanted her.

She shook her head barely, refusing to think about that now.

In that and in the little stab he felt in her head as she shook her.

That little pain that she noticed earlier that day, was beginning to be a little stronger.

Spinel decided to ignore it completely, jumping up, transforming her legs into springs and jumping straight into the middle of the water, splashing everyone with it before going to the surface.

The heat spread rapidly through her body, easing the pain in her head by the urge to bounce and fall.

For some reason, she expected cold water, like that of the pond, but it was warm in a relaxing, incredibly comfortable way.

She didn't know how much she missed the water and the feeling of it until she was inside.

She had spent so much time standing in the same place filled with dirt and dust, that she forgot how comforting it was to swim.

The bubbles tickled, the heat was like a warm and comforting hug, any sound outside the water stopped and she allowed herself to take a moment to stay down, just appreciating how light her body felt while sinking slowly and gradually.

It was so relaxing and calm that she looked up, the bubbles rose quickly to the surface and she could appreciate the light mixed with the water waves, she could feel the choked sound of the movements of others.

It was like a big, wet and warm hug.

It was not until a blue hand positioned itself beneath her that gently raised her back to the surface.

The weight of the water as they climbed prompted her to lie on that hand closing her eyes for the addictive sensation.

It was not until the fresh air hit her face and all the sounds came back that she opened them again with a small chuckle.

She was home. She finally felt at home.

She had friends again, a place to which she belonged and they already adored her with only days there.

-Are you okay? - Blue Diamond asked holding her in her hand, there was no concern in her tone for the little giggle that came out of Spinel's lips as she left.

-Geez ... yes, yes I am- She breathed deeply filling her chest with air, she was finally free of her prison.

It almost seemed like a dream, as if she had fallen asleep while standing and had the worst and the best of dreams simultaneously.

If this really was a dream, then she didn't want to wake up.

Spinel soon took another leap by diving again, swimming to the bottom and returning to the surface many times.

She swam so much that she didn't realize when the water washed her face completely, removing the rest of the makeup that was running down her cheeks.

As time went by, she played enough water games to decide that she preferred to float quietly on the surface for a while, closing her eyes and only listening to the sound of someone else's muffled splash in the water.

She would have played a lot more, but that pain in her head that began as a simple nuisance began to become a real headache, small spaced, but continuous pangs. They increase every time she jumps or makes a sudden movement, so floating was a necessary little break.

Suddenly, she heard a close murmur, but not loud enough to open her eyes or pay attention.

The movement of water on its periphery and a soft and delicate surface cradling her entire body.

-Huh? - She opened her eyes in surprise, turning her head a little to see what was holding her, feeling the little pain again by an extremely simple movement.

Her body was lying comfortably in the palm of Blue Diamond, she drew Spinel carefully towards herself, watching her curious.

-Is everything okay? - Asked raising her other hand and stroking Spinel's cheek with the pad of her finger.

-Yes, just ... the water is comfortable- Spinel smiled, unaware that the few minutes she thought it would take to float quiet had actually been more than an hour.

-Oh- Blue smiled with understanding.

Despite the sadness that the place had housed since Pink died, for millennia it remained her favorite place to rest.

-Water is the best place to rest, don't you think?- Warm and cozy.

-But she need to go out, we already spent the whole day here- And despite having a huge amount of free time lately, Homeworld still didn't take care of itself, the colonies either, there were still many gems injected years ago that were going to emerge soon, they had make sure everything is fine with them since they would be practically the last to exist absorbing nutrients from the soil and draining life on a planet.

Despite not having the same authority they used to have, the place was too big and full of gems to be handled randomly.

-Would you like to stay with the Pearls? - She proposed since Spinel looked like she enjoyed the place, she didn't have to leave if she didn't want to.

-Oh- Spinel understood giving her a smile.

-No, it's all right, I should go play with Yellow Diamond for a little while- Homeworld days went by much faster than she expected, even if they were longer days than those on earth, for her perception they were extremely short.

She had spent most of the day with Blue, and before that, she was entertaining White.

She seemed extremely enthusiastic about her jokes and actions, constantly asking for one more, laughing and enjoying her thanks. Now it was Yellow's turn.

-Okay, little one- Blue extended her hand towards the edge of the pool, allowing her to walk comfortably to the floor of the pool.

-Thanks for inviting me, it was a lot of fun! - Spinel exclaimed with sincerity and enthusiasm; she would definitely accept every invitation to the pool they want to give her, she would have enjoyed it even more if it wasn't for that stupid pain.

-You can come here when you want little girl- Blue smiled affectionately, excited about the idea of having someone like her hanging around the palace again, someone so Energetic and cheerful.

It reminded her a lot of Pink.

Spinel shook her head hard from side to side to remove the water from her hair, but she regretted it instantly.

Acute pain again, increasing by sudden movement.

She let out a small sigh and put a smile ignoring that pain, kindly saying goodbye to go with Yellow Diamond.

She would definitely return to that pool sooner or later.

__________ 

One of the favorite things about the Yellow building was the decoration on the walls.

Each building was decorated differently, with the respective colors of each diamond and each one caught her attention.

She used to have many gems on the walls, just like Blue and White, but since Steven arrived they were completely removed.

There was no particular reason why she liked to walk them so much with her eyes, trace with her eyes the path of the structure, the doors, the sounds, the details.

She was practically lost in them while her feet automatically carried her around the place until she reached Yellow Diamond.

She was sitting in a chair, apparently seeing something on a screen, her face denoted boredom, but at first glance she had no interest in leaving the task she was doing.

Spinel stretched out to jump to the armrest, her head throbbed and sent a dizziness through her body upon landing, but her goal was met, she gave the other diamond a pleasant surprise.

Apparently, the task in which she was so immersed and at the same time so boring, was to continue dismantling systems of several colonies, she had too many and despite having taken care of the majority, still had work to do.

Assuming she was busy, Spinel just made a few jokes, asked about what she was doing and just ... forming a conversation.

Doing an act or something that demands too much attention was out of the question, she didn't want to risk being a nuisance again.

That's what she was, right?

For Pink, what she always was.

Another sharp pang in her head, this time, a small gasp came from her lips and her hand traveled to her head.

It was beginning to be too much to ignore.

-Spinel? - Yellow Diamond asked, watching the sudden reaction of the little gem.

-Huh? - Spinel opened one of her eyes, removing her hands while the sensation was reduced to a dull ache, annoying, but not as unbearable as a moment ago.

-Are you okay? - It's the same as Spinel wondered.

Naturally, she had never had a headache before unless she had received a blow in that place or cried until every tear in her wasted.

She hadn't cried in the last few days and she hadn't fallen headlong either.

Another stab went through her, forgetting every thought she could have at that moment and stopping her from speaking.

She closed her eyes for a brief moment and wrinkled her nose, standing still while she just waited for the pain to go down.

-Spinel, is something wrong with you? - Yellow's voice again.

Spinel's eyes were closed, but she could distinguish a movement on her periphery and then, a cloth surface touching her chin delicately.

-I ... I don't know- She admitted.

The gems had no headache for no apparent reason and she was sure that despite having had a fight less than a week ago, she did not receive a blow that could cause pain days later.

It was too elastic to be damaged so easy.

-Your head hurts? - The pad of her finger slid in such a gentle movement that Spinel could describe it as a caress.

Yellow did nothing but read her body language, just moments ago her hands were taking her head and her hair tightly while complaining in silence. Virtually just a hiss.

Her head ached for several hours, but now it was even worse to be able to ignore it and keep playing.

-You said you were six thousand years in the garden, were you alone? - The finger moved away from her face, Yellow brought her hand to her own chin while mentally analyzing what was happening to Spinel, it isn't as if this were normal.

Somehow, hearing about the garden, about the past that Spinel wanted so much to forget made her pain go to the background completely freezing for a second.

She wanted to leave all that behind, not to think about what she lived and leave the pain buried and forgotten like that abandoned planet.

She hated talking about it, she hated the simple memory of that place.

-Yes- She answered without specifying anything else, begging for Yellow didn't ask about anything else.

If she didn't like to talk about it, much less would she stand it now that she felt her head was going to explode at any moment.

-Oh- A yellow hand extended towards her as an invitation to climb, one that she accepted. 

-You have been playing all these days after too much time in the nothing, Spinel, you must be overstimulated- After millennia of nothing, without different sounds, with muted colors, even without moving, come here (and to destroy the earth for the ignorance of Yellow) and suddenly see so many colors again, gems, people, return to a different routine, but just as energetic of blow they must have be too much for her.

-What is that? - Spinel asked confused, another sharp pain pierced her head, making her let out a small painful groan.

-Your attention should go to important things, not to absolutely every detail. It's about thinking all too much - For millennia her body and her mind adapted to absolute nothingness, perhaps paying attention to a small leaf that moved in front of her in wind, now, they had to adapt to receiving stimuli of all kinds again.

Her attention must have been going to absolutely everything, every insignificant detail, every thing that should normally be ignored or taken to the background, nothing leaked. Everything different from nothing was important.

Spinel thought about that, noting that since she arrived, everything mattered.

The warmth of the water, each bubble that ran through it, the sound under the water, the insignificant details of the walls, the fabric of Yellow's gloves, the movement of the alien's hand with her above.

She didn't usually pay so much attention to details before.

Another stab in her head and she decided to stop thinking at all.

She closed her eyes sitting on Yellow's palm, resting her head on her slightly closed fingers.

She felt that the surface where she was lying moved and small tremors were present on the floor, steps.

-Where are we going? - Spinel asked opening her eyes to look at her, she wanted to continue playing, especially discovering what Yellow liked most, the jokes seemed to do the trick, but she never asked for more, it was not like Blue and definitely not like White.

Every chance with her was an opportunity to find out what she liked and she was ruining one.

-To rest, you need it- A friendly smile came from her lips.

She didn't look upset or disappointed that Spinel wasn't going to play with her or entertain her, just ... understanding.

That smile managed to relax her, it gave her the feeling that it didn't matter if she wanted to rest for a moment.

Yellow take her to Pink's room, which now, temporarily, would be her.

The next few hours, Spinel didn't dare to move from the fluffy surface she was on. Yellow turned off the light in the room as soon as she entered, told her that they would not disturb her and that if she needed them, she could call them.

For a gem that was cold and distant at first sight, she behaved very kindly to her.

Spinel was looking to entertain her and make her happy, but Yellow saw her in a different way.

Yellow wanted Spinel to be her friend, a real friend.

Not just a court jester or a toy.

Ironically, Spinel had been created to be a best friend, but she didn't understand her behavior because she wasn't used to being treated as such.

For her, the concept of best friend and toy was mixed, it was difficult to tell the difference when all your life you were treated like a toy under the nickname of a friend.

Yellow left her in complete silence and with only the light of small details of colors on the walls.

They reminded her of the stars, so they were supposed to look.

Her headache worsened as the hours went by, she could assure that it was the worst she ever had in her life.

The stabs felt like sharp stabs, one after the other, sharp and strong, making her cry when they didn't stop for a long period of time.

She couldn't tell when or how she had got it through that, but she managed to sleep for a few hours until the sound of the door opening woke her up.

The pain was still there, but much softer, more like a common headache.

-Spinel? Dear, are you feeling well? - White was the first of the three to speak in a soft, low voice. Yellow must have told her what was happening.

Spinel had no idea how long she had been asleep, enough to feel a little better.

Slowly she sat on that bed to see them, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand.

-Yes, I think so- She admitted.

Her discomfort was not as horrible and painful as the endless hours before, but it was still present.

-You ant to play a game? - She asked noticing that maybe they were looking for her, they were bored and she had to entertain them.

-I can go, I'm fine- She hurried to say without wanting to disappoint anyone.

She couldn't let that happen, they can't get bored of it, not again.

-No, you better keep resting for a little while, we just wanted to know how you are- Yellow stopped her attempt to continue before Spinel even dared to set foot off the bed.

It had been almost a day, but she only managed to sleep for a few hours, not enough to completely take away her discomfort.

-How much did I sleep? What did I miss? - She turned to see the huge window that overlooked the outside, when she fell asleep it was night, now he could see clearer lights seeping through the velvety curtains, but she wasn't sure if it was dawning or getting dark again.

It is not as if the gems had a biological sleeping schedule, just as it could be a few hours, it could be a full week.

 -Only a few hours, we regret waking you up, we just wanted to know how you were- Blue smiled with love.

To Spinel's surprise, none looked disappointed with her, just…worried.

-Oh! - White blinked remembering another news for her, but reminding herself that she must keep her voice low for now.

-Steven called and asked for you, he wanted to know how you are adapting here-

-We told him that you are well, that everything is going great- Just a few days at Homeworld, but she had gotten along with everyone, as far as they knew, Spinel had no problem besides the passing pain of her head.

But Spinel stopped listening to her as soon as she said the phrase "Steven called."

A gasp of surprise came from her lips when a wave of fear spread through her gem.

-Will he come? - The question came out of her mouth faster than she could contain or hide it.

Of course he will come, he will do it sooner or later, this is part of his home now.

But he couldn't, he shouldn't come.

Because of the concern that diamonds expressed towards her, the simple fact that they still want her close meant that Steven had not told them anything about what happened on earth.

And that had to stay that way.

He could not come because doing so meant talking with diamonds, talking about what he has done in recent days, talking about her.

She was completely sure that when they knew about her mistake, they would never love her again.

-Sadly, no- White replied with a small sigh of disappointment and an almost childish expression.

-It won't come in a while, he said he has many things to fix on earth.-

Of course. The injector He would not come to see them to fix the disaster she caused.

Somewhat selfishly, knowing that a wave of relief would not come through her body and only a small stab of guilt hiding in her gem.

She caused the disaster, but that gave her more time in peace, at least a little time in which she could join her new friends.

For what? You will lose them anyway.

She will eventually lose them and the more time passes, the more she would miss them later.

Spinel swallow the lump that formed in her throat, maybe and just maybe, they would want her despite everything.

She closed her eyes with a sigh, guilt and sadness invaded her, but she would wait.

She was already at home, the pain would eventually go away, the diamonds would not leave her. She would forget everything and be happy again.

Maybe if I repeated it enough it would be true.

But it never happened.

The days went by becoming weeks, with them, more games, more talks, more fun, but the pain in her heart was still there, clinging to it and completely refusing to leave.

It wasn't even diminishing a little, it wasn't leaving gradually, it was doing the opposite.

For every day that passed, her anxiety grew and grew more and more.

Maybe a joke that made them laugh instead of bursting out loud, a game that made them lose, or a simple "I'm busy now, can you go play with someone else?" it was kind, because of they expression or the tone of voice when they gently rejected her, she could say that they were not doing it because they were upset with her, they were only small details; but she was thinking about them all day, counting how many they had been and trying to predict if they were starting to get bored of her.

It only made the way she felt worse.

She installed doubts in her head, one after the other, repeating again and again like a grated disc.

Are you bored of me? They don't love me anymore? Are you going to abandon me?

Will you leave me alone?

Every time she thought about that possibility, her breathing caught in her throat and forced herself to stop, to repeat herself that it wouldn't happen.

But it had happened once before and the insecurity was eating her out of fear that it would happen again.

What assured her that no one else even after millennia would get bored of her?

What assured her that they would still love her?

She thought Pink loved her, she didn't see the signs that instead of loving her, she was just enduring her for having nothing better to do.

Now Spinel was determined to please them, she was doing everything they asked for, even the smallest and insignificant game, even if she had played it three times in a row, she would do it again if that made them happy.

She tried her best to make them happy, but the doubt was still there.

And if you aren't enough?

She entered the room she had been given the first day to pause the huge smile a and the enthusiasm she showed outside those four walls.

She was upset with Pink and with herself.

When would the pain go away? She didn't have everything she wanted? A home, a family, she wasn't alone, but she could not be happy and she didn't understand why.

Why ?

Her hands closed over her head, catching strands of hair as she walked from side to side in frustration.

Everything was fine, everything was in its place, but still she wasn't happy, she couldn't be, while the days passed it was even more difficult to enjoy the joyful moments.

Even when the fear of being abandoned burned deep inside of her, she put on a smile and kept entertaining them.

At first it worked, it really did, the games managed to distract her and make her at least for a moment forget her worry, but then the feeling became stronger, more overwhelming and difficult to deal with.

She couldn't play any game without the constant ball of emotions in her chest, without the weight of thinking that sooner or later, Steven would come, they would find out and throw her away again.

There, on those walls that once belonged to Pink Diamond, only there she was allowed to let out the emotions that stifled her so much.

Only there she choked out screams of frustration on her lips, pressing her hands more strongly into her hair. Sometimes, she even plucked small locks that she could easily regenerate.

The games no longer served to distract her from the mixture of anxiety and self-contempt she felt burning in her gem, the burning in her scalp managed to do so for a while, but now that was not enough.

And then what was it?

Didn't she have everything she needed? So why the hell couldn't she stop feeling pain?

Why couldn't she improve?

What was the missing piece?

As much as she can think about the matter, she never found an answer.

She thought that when she came Homeworld she could leave everything behind, she would be happy, but tears continued to flood her eyes out of sadness and fatigue.

Can she come back from this? Can she put the pieces back where they belong?

Or is she too far gone?

______________ 

It wasn't until a day that diamonds invited her to a dismantled colony of Yellow Diamond, that she discovered what was able to distract her anxiety and keep her calm.

The planet they visited was organic, with a large kindergarten that despite not being in operation, there were already injected gems for several years, so there was nothing left but to wait for them to emerge.

Some gem structures had been built, but since Steven's arrival, everything that could damage organic life in any colony was stopped.

The colony had been stopped early, did not have the chance to advance too much, so for the most part, that planet was full of animals, plants and organic life. That was the reason why diamonds chose that planet to carry her.

It wasn't dangerous, not at least the place they visited.

It was like a garden, but without neat paths or plants, all were placed at random and not all had beautiful colorful flowers.

It looked like the earth, wild, messy and beautiful at the same time.

Despite the typical aroma of moisture and earth, despite the harmonious disorder of nature, the three diamonds and Pearls went with her to keep her company.

Where the warp pad was installed, there were no wild animals, only small ones and some loud ones, trees, shrubs, rose bushes.

That was the reason why they allowed her to visit it whenever she wanted, they could go out all together or she could come to have fun with the Pearls or just to walk or play on her own.

It must have been a great, fun, cheerful outing, it was for diamonds, Spinel did everything to make it, but it wasn't for her.

The knot of negative emotions inside her was forcing her to breathe deeply, slowly, trying to pass through the sensation and keep smiling.

The truth was that she didn't want to play anymore.

She loved games, but that ball of emotions began to weigh, made her want to stop, smile tired.

No matter what game they were playing, it was no longer fun.

She was beginning to feel that nothing excited her as before and that made her desperate.

She felt stuck, she was no longer in the Garden, but she still felt as stifled as if she were still in it.

So trapped, alone, unable to move, to change what was happening around her, to leave.

She wasn't able to escape.

And now, she felt that the prison was still inside her.

Her breathing became faster and stronger, and Spinel didn't notice when, she heard the voices of diamonds speak among themselves, but she was to lost in what she thought to distinguish what they said.

She was walking by inertia behind them, felt the waves of anxiety grow in her chest again, for the thousandth time since she arrived.

She was sick of it, she needed to stop, whatever makes it stop .

Her hands rose to her arms, holding them and beginning to cling to them tightly as she thought. There must be something to help, she couldn't feel this way forever.

She could not endure this forever, but neither could run away from herself.

She was so distracted from the road, from the outside world that she didn't notice how close she was from a rose bush to the side of where she was walking.

Then, a small sharp object stuck in her arm making a darker pink line on her skin.

A small gasp of surprise came from her lips as she felt the slight stinging, bringing her back to the real world.

She barely touched that plant, its shape was designed to withstand many more things, it was nothing more than a small and insignificant scratch, but somehow, it felt good.

The slight physical pain distracted her for a second of everything that was going on in her head, her anxiety suddenly stopped, everything stopped to pay attention to the nervous signal of danger.

It gave her body a momentary sense of control, tranquility, pleasure, stress release.

Without knowing very well why, instead of hating that plant, she want to stumble upon another plant that has thorns.

At first, that was it. Thorns

Then, it became almost a custom.

When she felt anxiety or anguish, she remembered the relief, even small that that scratch caused her, leading her to pinch her skin a little, pull a strand of her hair, tear some of it.

It was an addictive spiral.

The more anxiety or pain she felt, the more frequently she hurt herself, gradually, she was leveling up.

Small bites on your hands or wrists, scratches when your fist clenched too tightly on your arm, intentionally creating pink lines where your fingers passed.

On some occasions, diamonds asked about recent marks on their skin, small lines, bruises or barely visible marks.

Spinel was careful, hiding it.

The first time, she said that she had been running in the organic world and that she tripped down to a rosebush creating several scratches on her arms.

Then, that the vast majority of the plants had slightly sharp spines or branches, which was occasionally damaged by walking.

Then, she justified some bruises by saying that she had bounced around the room and unintentionally her himself with an object nearby when in fact, her body was extremely resistant to shocks.

Falls to the pool, stumbles, "games" that in some way or another created small marks on her skin.

Each time, every moment that passed, a little deeper than the previous one, one more scratch, one strand of hair less, one more bruise or one more bite.

The last ones, she only did them in her hands, there was no possible way to justify a bite with a game and it was the only place she could easily hide from view by her gloves.

It became a method of defense using it every time she needed to reduce the emotional excess, but it was also a soothing impulse.

That ... was really good.

Especially when someone talked about Pink.

Diamonds adored her, loved her and almost idolized her. More than once she encountered comments towards Pink.

At that time Spinel felt no anxiety, or guilt, or anguish.

She felt anger, frustration, rage that made her clench her fists and jaw and endure the urge to shout at them that Pink wasn't the beautiful gem they loved.

The love they had for that Pink Diamond was so suffocating at times.

"Pink usted to do this and this" "She was like that and that"

And even more if they compared her to Pink.

"You are as adorable as she was"; "Pink used to play the same game" "You're just like her"

No, she was not.

Spinel would never have abandoned a friend, she would never harm someone the way Pink hurt her.

Talking about Pink bothered her, but comparing her to her managed to drive her crazy and test the little self-control she had.

It was practically pushing her to the edge of herself, fighting not to fall and ruin everything.

In those moments, she felt the urge to hit them, to shout at them all that Pink had done and highlight the pain that had made them happen to them as well.

But she couldn't, that would make them angry.

Of course they would, they weren't going to let her insult someone they still adore, even if it was just a memory now.

Slowly, Spinel was falling into an invisible spiral that was taking a small piece of it each time, emptying her inside even more than the garden had left her.

Each day that passed, she bottled more negative emotions within her, but instead of leaving, they returned with increasing force.

They were slowly choking her.

Spinel didn't need to sleep to recover energy, her gem produced everything she needed, but every time she felt more tired, since large and complex games until the most small and short ones, she end up leaving to her room.

Her body moved slowly, distracted by fatigue, her normally good reflexes were slow.

More than once she had to return to her room to rest and as time passed, her visits there were more frequent.

She did not like to sleep, not only believed that it was a waste of time, but also allowed her to dream and no matter how many times she tried, she always ended up dreaming of the garden.

Standing, motionless of his own accord, but still ... trapped.

That was the reason she woke up at two, maybe three hours of sleep each time she tried and somehow, that seemed to exhaust her more.

Her body ached every time she woke up, as if she had been doing too much physical exercise instead of sleeping. No matter how much she tried to rest, her mind didn't stop, she was exhausted.

During the day or game times, the anguish and despair of getting worse each time haunted her excessively, even bothering her even when she wanted to play logic games or puzzles.

Thinking was getting heavier and heavier.

Despite of not wanting to play, her only motivation was to make the three diamonds happy, something that she loved before as fun was, now she found it almost impossible.

Nothing was fun, she wasn't able to enjoy anything at all.

Stars , she could not endure this forever.

_______________ 

Luckily, it was a quiet day.

Today, diamonds would meet in the ballroom after a break in Blue's pool to discuss what to do with the colonies or the new gems that emerge.

Lately, they had to do that a lot.

Now the gems were free to choose what to do, but not all agreed to stop destroying worlds and to lose the status they used to have, so despite not having authority as before, someone had to maintain the order of the empire. 

Spinel did not play too much in those meetings, they were too busy on important matters to play with, so she just made occasional jokes or sometimes, she simply used that time to stay in her room.

She would have taken the last option if it weren't because she did it four times in the last week and her games, despite her greatest efforts, were increasingly slow and she less agile in them.

She was tired, the dark circles and bags stood out under her eyes both for crying and for the fatigue that accumulated day after day, a little more each time.

Despite crying often, she was always careful to put on the biggest smile and act in the strongest way she could, but pretending was terribly exhausting.

Her pace was slow, tired, she arrived at the place later that the Diamonds, climbed the stairs and sat on them, paying little or no attention to the talk of others.

She made an occasional joke, opined about some gems, nothing really relevant, or so it was at the beginning until something caught her attention practically instantaneously.

-What? - She asked turning to Blue, the smile that had framed on her face since she arrived (and for some time) inevitably fell.

-Steven will come in a few days, he said he finally has some time- Blue exclaimed with a radiant smile, like the rest of the diamonds, happy to see him again.

-Oh ... - Spinel swallowed, having trouble keeping his own composure.

-That ... that's ... - Putting on a smile has never been as difficult as now.

-That's great! - She exclaimed breathing agitatedly, but silently, doing her best to be discreet.

A wave of fear and anxiety went through her, much stronger, bigger than other times.

Suddenly, the need to leave, to have space, was simply too much.

-Oh! I am sure we will enjoy it, we can pl… -

-I need to go to my room- Spinel exclaimed suddenly, interrupting without pretending to White.

She simply needed it, this time she could feel the anguish accumulating in her chest, the fear was spreading making it practically impossible to remain still and the tears stung in her eyes, threatening to leave at any moment.

She felt like he lost control over the situation and her own emotions and needed to recover it before they noticed it.

Before exploding in front of them.

Shw don't even wait for an answer or make an excuse, just go down and hurried to the door.

-Oh ... - Blue's little disappointed tone sent another wave of guilt as her feet kept moving away, leading her to a safe place where she could release some tension.

She wasn't good enough for them, she was hurting them, you're just a damn broken toy.

-Okay then, we'll see you later ... Be careful! - The last warning, hurried out of her lips, as a quick reminder that It crossed her mind.

Spinel knew that the warning had been given for the "games" in which she blamed her clumsiness for the marks she could not hide.

Oh, but she needed those "games" now.

She hugged her arms and her nails dug into her skin tightly, creating many deep pink lines as her skin opened where her nails passed, unable to stop herself and wait to reach the room.

She felt that if it she let go, she would break, she would lose control of everything.

She didn't answer Blue Diamond, an action that would bring her even more guilt later when she can think cold again.

When the door closed behind her, a scream drowned in her throat, her hands clenched even more in her arms, opening superficially deep wounds.

What would she do when he told them the truth?

When they know she was a monster that had almost destroyed a diamond?

The tears that endured before leaving sight, ran down her cheeks, she regretted having done it, but it was too late.

She could not fix her mistake, despite not having accomplished her goal (luckily) it is not as if it had been her choice.

She carried the injector, left all the poison on the ground and released Steven in the void, was only saved because he could conveniently discover his missing piece in time and also his power was able to heal the earth.

Her legs were bent by dropping her to the ground, spreading her limbs like ropes everywhere.

She rested her head on the wall behind her, the tears ran nonstop, spreading the makeup across her face, marking the passage of her tears through her skin.

It wasn't enough, scratches, screams, sobs.

Nothing was enough.

She would lose them in a short time.

What she was so afraid of would be fulfilled now.

Spinel was very upset with Steven for returning after months.

She knew she was being unfair, it was she who invaded her home and went to destroy everything, not him.

She had no right to claim anything, Steven had even bothered to offer her a new place, new friends.

But now that he came after all this time, the diamonds would ask him about the "issues" he had to fix and find out everything.

She felt anger at him for coming to ruin her "happiness" after such a long time and at the same time she was frustrated because that is just what she had done to him.

She had a great urge to hit him, to keep him from coming back and ruining everything.

She was so pathetic.

Even knowing it wasn't the right thing, she wanted to do it, she wanted to hurt him again.

Her legs approached her chest, returning to its original form while her hands clung to them tightly.

Frustration, tiredness, anger and sadness sprang from her gem.

Her breath caught in her throat in every sob, her lungs burned for more air, clinging to her legs tightly.

Her gem hurt, everything hurt.

She shouldn't have come here, she shouldn't have spent so much time near them.

-Stupid! - She hit her fist hard on the floor, the blow rumbled on the walls echoing in the room, shaking all material (and living) objects in it.

She was so dumb. She knew this would happen and still she stayed, she must have left before she had enough appreciation to miss them.

A sob came shaking from her lips, her fist smashed back into the wall and again, and again, and again.

She hit the wall until the back of her hand becomes numb, feeling only a small painful tingle in place.

Of all the months she spent at Homeworld, of all the ups and downs she had, this was one of the worst.

She plunged her head into her legs, welcoming herself into her arms while uncontrollable sobs shook her body.

The palms of her hands clung to her head, holding tightly.

What she was going to do?

She could not be alone again. Please , everything except that.

She preferred to die than to be abandoned again.

She knew that day would come, she knew it from day one, she knew she shouldn't get attached to them, but as a stupid, she did it anyway and didn't know at when.

Crying, sobs and screams spread for the next few hours.

She was supposed to be home, but she felt lost again.

_________________ 

To the next day, Spinel walk slowly, fighting at every step to stand up and to follow the path correctly without falling or stumbling over something.

She was exhausted, physically and mentally.

Her head throbbed painfully, her eyes practically struggling to stay open.

If she closed them just for a few seconds, small tears formed from the burning in them.

Her arms hung at her sides like ropes instead of limbs.

All her body yelled at her to go to rest, but she couldn't.

Even if she really wanted to do it, nothing would change, she would wake up the same or worse than now.

She climbed into Yellow's seat, the closest she had, making an extra effort to stretch her hands and reach, avoiding making her legs a spring, it was too much trouble. Spinel sat on the outer armrest, a further distance from the rest of the diamonds, practically dropping her body on the firm surface under her feet.

Her legs were relieved by not reloading her weight, she would have wanted to lie there if it had not been obvious.

-Spinel, my dear, what do you have on your face? - White leaned a little from her seat looking at her with a small grimace of strangeness.

-Huh? - Spinel blinked confusedly bringing one of her hands to her cheek without understanding, clearing the dream to process her words.

-Your makeup ... - Blue Diamond pointed from a distance.

Makeup…? Oh. 

Every night she cry, she always took the trouble to clean the makeup trail, to fix it, to they don't notice that she had cried recently or at least, not to make it as obvious as dark lines running down her cheeks.

Now she was so tired that she hadn't even noticed.

-I was ... playing in the water- She explained making a lie at the moment.

-A few minutes before coming here ... I went to the pool, geez ... sorry- She smiled and scratched her head nervously.

-I didn't notice- That part was true. She hadn't remembered cleaning up the mess on her face.

Yellow made an invisible grin in her eyes, Spinel was standing in her seat and could see her perfectly, perhaps in more detail than the rest of the Diamonds.

She said she played with water and Yellow would have believed her ... if her hair or clothes had been wet too, at least a little wet if they had been several minutes after leaving.

Her clothes and hair were completely dry, but her makeup as well as the corner of her eyes and her cheeks was still wet, she was lying.

If there was any reason to do it or to hide that she was actually crying, then she could ask her later when they be alone, maybe she wants to say why.

For now, Yellow decided to abandon the issue and not interfere, not at least in front of the other diamonds, so White took the lead and began to talk about the issue to be discussed at this meeting.

Spinel listened to the same vaguely, just a quarter of the time they were there was to discuss something really serious, all the rest were wandering and going around the branches, even talking about Steven's early arrival and how excited they were with that.

-Maybe we can play a game in the pool, but i think Steven can't ... breathe …- Blue Diamond hesitated trying to remember if it was the right word.

-... Underwater, it's a human thing, but Spinel could sink and sing songs, just like Pink used to do! - She exclaimed with a cheerful smile.

Spinel contained her emotions, knowing where this talk would go.

No matter how many times they talk about Pink, it was always to praise her, to say how much she missed her.

Her view go down, to the pink seat, to Pink's old throne.

They couldn't see that she had abandoned them? Not only Spinel, but also them; and yet, despite the pain she caused them, they treasured their memories with her, they were filled with melancholy when they talked about a moment brought back from their memories of her, they maintained and cared for all their old treasures as the most valuable things in the universe, even if they are small and insignificant.

All her treasures were protected, as a way to hold on to what was left of her.

Blue ... she used to call her that way, in fact, the first time she saw her, the first thing she did was exclaim that it was one of Pink's lost treasures.

Perhaps it was the dream, the accumulated exhaustion of months, the emotional weakness with which she was carrying at that time, but the thought that she was blocking by her own stability surfaced.

They just want you because you were hers.

Would they want her if she wasn't?

Would they have invited her here, to her home, would they have taken the job of accepting her if she were an ordinary gem?

They would love her ... if she were from any other gem other than Pink?

Tears stung at the corner of her eyes, really trying to keep them at bay, her hands traveled to her head, pulling her hair in a desperate attempt to silence that damn thought.

Enough. Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP.

No. That shouldn't be the only reason they were still with her … was it?

No, it couldn't.

Please, no.

One of her hands hit her head hard in an attempt to stop her own thoughts.

They were in front, she was too close and too exposed to cry.

For that little minute, everyone paid attention only to what White was saying, in that short period of time she must stop.

She brought her hand to her gem, anxiety, fear and pain began to rise in high peaks, too high to be surrounded by people.

She pressed the jewel in form  of a heart in her hands, she needed all these emotions to come down now.

She could not lose control of herself here, not in front of them.

Spinel take a long, deep breath, trying to take as much air as she could.

The anxiety in her chest was quickly transforming into fear, too.

The control over herself was sliding from her like sand between her fingers so quickly that she didn't know how to stop.

She was scared, so scared.

Her body was shaking and she didn't know why, the need to take breaths of air began to be more and more necessary.

She felt her sweaty palms, the edge of all things began to be luminous, more than normal, clouding her vision.

She tried to fill her lungs with air, but instead of entering, her breath was choked.

What's going on?

Her tiredness mixed with the panic she was feeling right now, she felt her whole body shake, was she… hot? Why did the room feel so warm suddenly?

She could swear she was sweating.

She was afraid, so much, it spread in waves in her chest, expanding through her body and causing her more spasms.

Burning, headache and fatigue remained in the background for her head, but not for her body.

Everything she felt lately and keeping it, exploded all at once.

She was so panicked that she was suffocating.

She couldn't hide this from diamonds, she couldn't fake it and if she was honest, she was so scared that she didn't even think about doing it.

What in the universe is happening?

She look at her hands, she felt a slight itch in them, but it is the only thing that she distinguishes.

She could not hear the loud, choked and desperate sound of her breathing, her chest rising and falling rapidly and steadily.

It felt as if something terribly bad was about to happen and she was unable to stop it.

Oh, stars, what it's going on?

She needed help, now, she was desperate, but she didn't even know why or what she wanted them to fix.

Spinel just knew she needed help.

She felt like she was going to die if she didn't get it now.

White was talking to Blue and Yellow, too far back and up to see her, Yellow was looking at her, but Blue, just looked down for a moment to observe Yellow and notice the behavior of the little gem in the armrest.

-Spinel? - Blue asked aloud, drawing Yellow's attention and cutting White in the middle of her sentence.

Out of curiosity, both diamonds also turned to see her, her first thought was that she was doing something strange, or playing a new game that drew Blue's attention and curiosity.

It was only enough to see her to understand that she was not playing, that something bad was happening to her.

-Spinel? - This time, Yellow's voice, she was closer and had the best view.

Whatever is happening to her, it was not an act, it was not a joke, it was not voluntary.

Spinel heard both voices as if they were miles away.

She needed to leave, but … from where? From herself? She didn't even know. She just wanted to run away without knowing why.

She was so confused, she wanted this to stop, she needed this to stop.

Stop, please stop, stop, oh, why it doesn't just stop!

Her breathing caught more in her throat a sob came out of her lips, was she going to die?

She was dying?

What is happening to her?

She don't notice when Blue got up from her seat, or when White came down from where she was so she could see her.

She did not feel the small tremor on the floor of the footsteps of them, she could not distinguish them from the spasms that were running through her body.

The waves of panic continued to rise in intensity, burning inside her until the air did not reach at all.

She stop feeling the gravity, the balance keeping her standing, she saw something yellow move, but that was it.

Finally, her vision turned completely white and somehow, that felt even worse.

It feels like falling into a deep sea of panic sinking completely, unable to leave, to move, to do anything.

Just letting fear take hold of her until her senses faded.

In that period of time, many questions filled the air, questions that Spinel did not have the chance to hear, much less answer before passing out.

-Spinel! - The voice of the three was heard in unison when they saw how she lost her balance and fell from the yellow armrest.

The instant she wobbled, Yellow put her hand behind her, holding her when she fell and preventing further damage.

Tiredness, pain, frustration, fear, everything she keep inside her for months suddenly exploded, forcing her to go out.

To finally rest.

Something had to happen, something had to break at some point.

She press her limit too much until it broke, her emotions were too big and strong to be in control of them.

The three diamonds exclaimed her name many times after that, gently touching her, but despite trying everything, Spinel did not react to anything.

That same day, minutes later, Steven received several calls from diamonds begging for help.