Chapter Text
You never thought you would see Terezi again after you left a few sweeps ago. However, once you decided to return, you knew it was probable that you would come face to face once more, but the idea of seeing her again was something you tried not to consider, both during your time running away and coming home the past few perigrees. Much has changed about her since you last spoke. You suppose reaching adulthood does that to you. She’s... Every bit as beautiful as you remember, only taller and more lithe. Even her voice sounds as if it’s changed; once it was raspy and rather nasally, and now, while it keeps it’s roughness, sounds somewhat more refined. She still wears mostly black, with her teal sign printed on her shirt for all to see. You almost forgot that trolls had signs, given that you don’t even display yours anymore.
You make an effort to hide your bleeding arm, wincing as the pressure sparks through your nerves like your being torn open again. You’d say you might forgive her for attacking you, but you are already past your limit when it comes to stress. You’re one more incident away from curling up on the ground and letting fate have it’s way with you.
Terezi makes a careful move closer, sheathing her weapon back into a seemingly regular old cane, before leaning down onto it with a thoughtful expression. “... Y’know, you don’t have to pretend I don’t know about your blood. Because I do.”
You squint at her and part your lips, fangs coming out unintentionally in a cross between a small gasp and a snarl. You didn’t know that she knew, or at least, you hadn’t considered that someone had told her. “Who was it?” You say in defeat, cautious to what she might do since she knows about your mutation. “Which one of them told you, Kanaya or Vriska?”
She cackles for a bit, clutching the hilt of her cane tightly. “Nobody told me, Karkat. Nobody had to tell me! Do you really think I’m that moronic that I’d never work out for myself that your blood is the most delicious shade of red?” She licks her perfectly formed row of fangs, and leans closer, blinking her red eyes at you.
You take a step back, but keep eye contact with her. Your own eyes have abandoned their slits long ago, and the red has fully dilated. “Why the fuck have you never let me know that you know?! Did fucking everyone know?! WAS I THE ONE BEING LEFT OUT OF MY OWN SHIT-TASTIC CIRCLE OF FUCKING TRUST!” You are practically fuming by this point, bringing your hands up in a pointless gesture of aggression, biting back the pain in favour of rage. “FUCK IT. I AM BACK, AND I AM TAKING BACK CONTROL OF MY CIRCLE OF TRUST. I AM THE FUCKING /EMPEROR/ OF THE CIRCLE OF TRUST. AS MY FIRST ROYAL DECREE; I AM KICKING YOU OUT OF THE CIRCLE OF TRUST!” You stick your offending middle finger up at her.
Her body stands straight and her head falls back as she belts out streams of endless laughter, just like she used to. She’s like a troll gone mad on the grubsauce, and holy shit does it scare you. You would never admit it to anyone, but it’s a good kind of scare, like you knew it was coming and it’s not causing you any harm.
Her laughter dies down and she wipes the teal tinted tears from her glistening red eyes. She looks away and then thoroughly wipes them clean, “I missed you too, Karkat,” she says so honestly that you believe it.
You pause a minute to look her over, taking in her playful stance and mischievous demeanour. She’s so alive and dangerous, and doing so well without you in her life, apparently. She really must have missed you, otherwise she wouldn’t have bothered staying around. Hell, it’s beyond you why she isn’t disgusted with you for your off caste blood colour; someone of her priveledged hue has more than a right to cull you. Lucky for you, she is mentally defective enough not to.
You both stand there in silence, and you’re unsure if it’s because neither of you knows what to say or if one of you is waiting for the other to say something. You know it’s awkward, though, far too awkward, far too unsettlingly familiar and non hostile. She tilts her head at you, and you’re sure she’s waiting for you to speak, or maybe she’s trying to psyche you out with her blank red stare. “You’re blind,” you affirm eventually, looking into those dead eyes.
She nods after a moment, rolling her head rather than a simple bob. “That is correct. Excellent observation, Karkat!” She jeers at you, moving her cane to the side as she strides close enough for you both to breathe the same air. “A lot of things have changed since you left. You too, apparently,” she moved her head downward, as if she were looking down your body, before pressing a single sharp clawed finger against your belly. Her head comes back up and her eyes meet yours, but unseeing, as if she were making an educated guess as to where your eyes are.
You take a step back and she taps her fingers against the hilt of her cane ryphmically. You don’t think she’d try and harm you, you remember her being playful, but not purposefully cruel, not unless she thought someone could handle it. But she’s older now, and things have changed, for both of you. “I need to find Kanaya,” you say, lowering your voice, you want her to know you are serious. You need her help with your situation.
Her grin fades, bordering a faint smile as she speaks a reply. “So you came back. For Kanaya.”
You hiss a second, feeling in her words what she’s doing; messing with your head, trying to make you the guilty one, the troll that didn’t care enough about or trust his friends. You left them, you left her, and now you’re coming back with your proverbial tail between your legs. “Look, you have every reason to hate me. Do you think I don’t feel like complete shit? I know what a horrible person I am. And between the things I’ve done and the things I’ve encountered, I can’t handle much more before I either snap and kill someone, or just lie down on the ground until I die. I cannot deal with your crap right now; your mocking and your double meanings and your fucking teasing! Maybe back then, when everything was, not okay, but... Less not okay. You’re a hundred percent right, things have changed, and if you can’t deal with this,” you gesture to yourself, “me, you can go fuck yourself. You have no idea the shit I found out there, the shit that I had to-“
Your voice fails you, for the third time in your life, becoming a sort of record now that you think about it, holding back the sobs that are desperate to escape you. Memories flood back to you, one by one; memories of your time away, of the trolls you’ve come across and the things your people were capable of. You don’t want to think about how your friends are also trolls, and what that translates to in your mutant brain. You force the sobs back down, choke on them with a snarl and stare Terezi down, even knowing that she is unable to see you. You’re silent, swallowing the spit in your mouth and clenching your jaw sorely like you are preparing for a burn or a cut.
You can’t tell what she’s thinking right now, but she’s no longer smiling. She just stands there, staring at nothing. She lets out a sig, and gives you another smile, before gesturing to you with her hand. “Come follow the helpless blind girl.”
And you do; you follow her in near silence, pretending that everything around you is interesting, anything but talking to her. You luckily have the excuse of keeping vigilance in the dangerous wild forest to distract yourself, which ordinarily you wouldn’t find lucky at all, but you really really do not care. You count your blessings that Terezi actually leaves you be the entire walk, occasionally mumbling something or making some weird noise, but never directly making contact with you, verbal or otherwise.
It doesn’t take too long until she stops, taking an audible sniff at the air. “Here,” she says plainly, and takes a few more steps.
You frown as you stare out at the expanse of water. A lake. She’s taken you to a lake. Well, not just any lake; the lake. You came here before with her, back when you were still young and dumbly in love with her. She’d push you in the water and have to save you from sinking. You did it to her once, but she didn’t make as much of a fuss. Her dragon was always nearby to keep her out of trouble. You look between the moonlit black water and her, hesitant, and... Feeling a lot of things you didn’t prepare for feeling.
”Take that thing off,” she says, reaching for the hoodie you’re wearing.
”Fuck off,” you bark shortly at her, taking a step away. You worry about what she’s planning for you, why she’s taken you here, what she intends. You don’t want to take off your hoodie, it’s an extra layer to hide behind, and it’s warm and- “oh.” You look down and see why she wants it off you.
”I can smell Vriska’s blood, numbnubs. You can’t go back home covered in her blood,” she hisses, not threateningly, just reflexively, like it was natural. “What did she do this time?”
You don’t answer her, because you don’t know how you’re supposed to. Last you heard about Terezi and Vriska they were moirails, and you don’t want to tell her about what just happened to you, to her.
”Stop overthinking, I know when you’re overthinking. Even after all these solar sweeps!” She giggles. “Me and her aren’t especially connected nowadays, so whatever it is I won’t go crazy.”
”Fucking hoofbeastshit nook licking yay,” you grumble, unzipping your hoodie. “It’s a long story, and I don’t exactly want to go into the details, but, it got bad, then worse, then terrible, then-“
”Is she dead?”
You pause in removing your hoodie, one half slid down your left arm as you look up at her, even though you know she can’t see you. You’re glad she can’t see you, but then... You wish she could. “I don’t know. I just got back and she found me. I was hiding, and I guess she wanted somewhere to hide too. It was a human. Firing a gun and riding a fucking hoofbeast, can you fucking believe that?!”
She nods, “I can believe that. The humans around here have gotten more lively the past sweep, more hunts, more expeditions. It’s not the first encounter our group’s had with them.”
”Fuck...” Was returning the best idea?... Yeah, no, it absolutely was, humans weren’t the worst thing out there from what you’ve experienced, statistically speaking. “So... We got outrun, and... Vriska got cocky, and this human just... Took her, she was just...” You look away, and pull your hoodie back on slowly, folding your arms and creeping closer into yourself, becoming smaller.
She lowers her head, brows furrowed, face taught. “If they’ve taken her we’re in trouble. That guy you were with, the human. Was he involved?”
You shrug tightly, “I got the impression he and the rider knew one another. But. I don’t know. What was his- Jom? Jov? Something like that. He... Kind of saved my life? Well, more like, didn’t actively get me killed? He had the chance to put me to the other human that took Vriska, but, he didn’t? I gues he seemed... Simple, more than anything else. Fucker kept trying to talk to me, and smiling and...” You cringe, “being nice. Like, actually nice. No fucking reason for it. Well. He seemed kinda scared at the idea of me leaving, so maybe he wanted protection and wanted to play my emotions like a little prick.”
”You’re one to talk,” she sniggers. “That human was taller than you.”
“Yes, I get it. I’m short and you find it startlingly amusing like some brain damaged reject,” you grumble back at her. You aren’t especially bothered by your height. You’re not that short. Hell, that purrbeast troll girl was smaller than you last you saw her. Gods, you hope she isn’t taller than you now. That’d just be a kick in the shame globes.
She sticks out her tongue, like the overgrown wiggler you remember her to be. “You just want me to say how adorable it is, don't you?”
You roll your eyes, forever grateful that she can’t see the blush on your face. “Whatever.”
”Well! I find it especially adorable!” She grins.
You don’t say anything to that, but start to relax a bit more, allowing your hands to fall to your sides. She probably doesn’t want to talk about losing Vriska, even if they aren’t a thing anymore, it must still hurt. You’re willing to go along with this if it distracts her from fucked up thoughts. You like the distraction, too. You’ve missed this. Looking herover, you wonder if you should say something about her that won’t be complete bullshit or come across as stupid. Maybe talk about her height? She brought it up in the first place. She isn’t that much taller than you, a couple inches taller, but that’s it. You open your mouth to speak, but words fail you. Your throat doesn’t allow any words to escape, just a little ‘ah’ noise.
She trills at you, and takes a couple steps closer, invading the space immediately in front of you. You don’t move away this time, she made an effort to make her movements slow and you don’t... You don’t feel so threatened as before. You just feel a little nervous, but you’ve grown used to that. You look down when you notice more movement; her free hand sways closer until the back of her hand brushes the back of yours. Your fingers twitch, and curl around her hand until you’re holding it. To your surprise, she holds yours, and doesn’t let go, or tease you, or question you for it. It’s nice, not just because of your old feelings for her, but just because it’s nice to have that comfort. Touch hasn’t meant a good thing for you in a long time.
You look up at those dead eyes of hers, and have to look away. “You...”
”Mm?” She leans closer, head tilted.
You have to take back your hand, leaving hers hanging there. “You wouldn’t be happy with me. Now more than ever. I don’t expect anything from you, let alone the more serious shit.”
She frowns, “You have this complex about yourself, and like before, you think nobody can accept you or show a shred of empathy. It’s really annoying.”
You roll your eyes, and start pulling your hoodie off, tossing it into the water. A shame, you really liked that hoodie.
She huffs at you, and you think for a moment that she’s actually mad at you, until she pushes her hair back and groans. “Does it bother you that I’m blind? Is that it?”
”What?” You bark back at her, bewildered. “No. I mean. Maybe?”
She pouts, staring you down as she folds her arms, cane pointing out diagonally from her.
”No. Fuck you. I’m not repulsed or disappointed in you. Or whatever it is you think I’m thinking. Don’t make this a thing, okay? I’ll assume something terrible happened and like always, you dealt with it. Assume the same with me, only I want to die every other minute. You don’t need that, and truth be fucking told, I’m not prepared to handle a matespritship.”
Her expression falls for a moment, leaving a dumbfounded look on her face. “... How very presumptuous of you,” she scoffs and turns away.
You bite your lip and go over to the water. You crouch down and grab at your hoodie as start rubbing out the blood as best you can. It doesn’t come out entirely, you can still see the blue and red stains, and stare at them. You just stare at them, blood pulsing through your veins at an alarming rate, it’s too late before you realise you’re breathing too fast and your hands are shaking. You realise quickly that no matter how quickly your breathe, it’s not enough, you’re suffocating, and you think of the past, you remember suffocating. You want to wail and cry and scream, but you can’t, you want to stay quiet, so no one can see you like this, so no one can know. You just want it to stop, to end. No. No no no god fuck please no. Make it stop, please please-
“Karkat?” You hear faintly, then she’s there by your side, sensing you over. You don’t want her to be here, you don’t want her to see- She can’t see, can she hear you? Can she sense your fear, sense the way your skin trembles and everything feels so much more than it should do. She presses her hand to your cheek and pats it over and over, shooshing you insistently. “Shh,” she whispers, and you bite so hard that your sure there’s blood dripping from your black lips.
”It’s okay,” she says, not sure of her own words now that you can hear them properly. You can practically feel your heart slowing, your senses numbing out. You’re body seizes and twitches beyond your control, tightening and relaxing, and again and again. You just lie there and breathe, letting the shooshing and papping numb out the panic. You take the time to notice you had fallen onto your side, tightened into a shivering ball. You look up and your eyes are blurry, so you slowly wipe at them with your sleeves. She looks so fucking confused, so concerned, but so unsure. “Karkat?”
”I’m fine.”
”No, you’re not,” she says firmly.
”...” You lie there and breathe for a bit, staring out at the water. What was a lake doing in the forest anyway. Ha. How strange. You always knew it was there, but that was a lot of water for a place like a forest.
”We’re going to see Kanaya.” She says simply, and paps you once more before standing. “Clean your face, and your arm, and then we’ll be going.”
You stay still and stare at her feet, then slowly get up and do as she says. You don’t want to argue anymore. You’re embarrassed, ashamed, in pain, and so sufferingly vulnerable. If it weren’t for those feelings, you’d feel dead already.
After a time, you reach Kanaya’s hive with an hour to spare before the sun begins to rise. She still lives in the same place; a clearing she had carved out of the forest with you and your friends when you were younger, trying to build a home for your group, somewhere safe. There were tapestries drawn up around the place, hanging from rope tied between the large wooden cabin as the trees. The area was bright and alive, even at night since she seemed to have designed the place to almost always capture light, whether it be from the sun or the moon.
You almost startle at the sound of bells ringing and chiming along with the cold breeze. You frown, realising she must have hung up those strange metal contraptions for decoration. You take a few hesitant steps forward, moving closer to the big cabin. Terezi followed by your side, tapping at the ground with her cane in such a convincingly helpless way, but otherwise she stays quiet, not silent, but quiet.
You turn the corner to the front of the cabin, where you see Kanaya, tall and lean and crouching down with her back to the two of you. You freeze on the spot, unsure of how you’re supposed to say hello again to someone who was so close to you. You bite your lip, glancing between her and Terezi.
”It would seem you made it back with company?” Kanaya breaks the silence before you have a chance. You could see now as she stood, the ends of her long red skirt kissing the ground. She had been tending to the garden. She wipes herself off, removing carefully whatever dirt had disgraced her elegant appearance. “Whatever the case, I detect an odour-“ as she turned around to greet the two of you, it was her turn to freeze.
Neither of you says anything. You both just stare at one another in shocked silence.
”Hi,” you say after a while, unsure of what else you’re really supposed to say. The look on her face is for the most part unreadable; her open stare, her jade green eyes peering down at you like you’re some strange beast Terezi has brought home for her to gawk at. You don’t even know how she feels about you now, or if she had forgotten about you. You want to believe you were important to her, because she was important to you. She cared dearly before; tending to your wounds when you were scratched or bruised, patching your clothes, helping you prepare meals, offering you a gentle hand or word when you needed it. She was by no means weak, she was just reserved, patient, in control. You respected that about her, she was always the most like yourself, in the sense she... Felt normal, a well deserved normal.
She doesn’t say a word to you, just opens her mouth, two long and thin incisors poking out. She looks ready to say something, you’re sure it would have been your name, but then she closes that black mouth of hers and picks up her woven basket, and turns to leave.
”Kanaya- wait!” You call after her, raising your hand as if you can will her back towards you. But she carries on, walking far away from the clearing and through the tree line. Your hand falters, slowly falling back to your side. “Kanaya?” You croak, staring after where her bright visage was last visible.
Terezi walks on ahead of you, grabbing your arm and pulling you along with her. She takes you into the cabin, where it’s dark but warm. “Stop,” you hiss at her, making an attempt to pull your arm back, but she doesn’t relent, sitting you down on a chair at the table, only then does she let you go. She rummages through the cubboards, despite being blind, appearing to know exactly where everything was and what it was. You remember, too, but that was simply due to your memories of rummaging for things in the middle of the day when you got hungry in your sleep. She pulls out a glass jar, half full with something dark, vaguely purple, sitting it down in front of you. You stare at it, then back up at her as she closes the cubboards and leaves for outside before you have the chance to question her.
You’re left to your own devices, it seems. With a sigh, you pull the jar closer, picking open the wooden lid. You know exactly what this is; blueberry jam. It was yours and Terezi’s favourite as wrigglers. The skin of the berry was blue, yet inside was green, and if your squished it in your hand, it was purple. You liked that it was different, and so did she.
You stick your fingers into the jar and eat it like that, not taking long to finish the whole lot of it. You even lick your fingers clean afterwards. And after that, you have no more energy for anything else. Not for your friends, not for food. You are so unbelievably tired. You pick yourself up and wander through the cabin. There were a couple of rooms designated for sleeping, and you quickly find your own.
It’s quiet when you enter, a nice kind of quiet, as opposed to the usual quiet you’ve grown far too accustomed to. Your room is different, there are more blankets and soft... things, and climbing frames scattered everywhere that look to have been built by Kanaya. Your eyes search the room, and shrug off the strange feeling. This is your home, the safest place you could possibly be. You walk over to the pile of soft bags and fall into it, lying there, listening to your own breathing for a while.
You wake to something sniffing your face. At first, you assume it’s some small beast that might think you’re dead, or even Terezi. You groan and shoo whatever it is away with your hand. You receive a hiss, tiny but you recognise the noise immediately, even in your tired state. You jump up into a sitting position, and hold your stomach, looking down at it. Could you have? No. It’s too soon, surely. You haven’t even laid any eggs yet. You pull up your jumper and feel the light bulge of your tummy, still easy to hide beneath several layers of loose clothing. You bite your lip as you stare at it. It’s still real. You’re gravid. You were- it still happened, and you now have a constant reminder. Part of you wished they had just culled you and be done with it.
A chirp comes from across the room, taking you by surprise. You thought you had just been imagining the presence before, but there they were, hiding under a loose canopy. You stare at the two little grubs, expression softening. One is jade, the other cerulean. You let out a gentle trill, calling them over to you as you lie back down on your side. The jade moves out of the hiding space, but the cerulean stays behind, hesitant. You offer your hand out to the jade, a little female, you notice, and scratch under her chin. She pulls away, letting out a tiny, sharp cry before going to bite your fingers. You swiftly pull them away before she nips you, dragging them across the pile, finding amusement in how she chases your hand, trying to pounce and outrun your fingers. You know that they are Kanaya’s, you didn’t know she decided to breed until now, though. She had gone through several heats back when you still lived here, but usually kept to herself during those nights. Now it would seem she decided to leave her life of chastity behind for... Vriska? Just, holy shit.
The other grub comes out of hiding, gaining confidence now that her broodmate wasn’t killed by the intruder. The cerulean is also a female, which you guess makes sense. Soon both grubs are crawling up on the pile to sniff at you curiously, and you are unable to resist their attack. You prefer the jade grub to the blue, you know the blue isn’t what your head is telling you, so you just ignore her, focusing on the jade, who seems to really like you. They both attempt to climb you, and it makes you cringe, both worried that they’d fall and get injured (you do not want to answer to Kanaya if that happens) and uncomfortable about those weird little critter legs crawling up your torso. It’s weird.
The door to your room opens, and in peeks Kanaya, giving a brief knock. “Karkat?” She asks delicately, waiting for you to answer with the door open just a crack.
”You can come in, it’s not like this is my room anymore,” you answer, not entirely sure how you feel at the current moment. Angry? Happy? Relieved? Numb? It might all be the same for you.
She walks in quietly, closing the door behind her. There’s a dead rabbit in one of her hands. Oh shit. You forgot that human’s stuff, he gave you a rabbit, didn’t he? Fuck, you almost forgot you actually met a human.
The two grubs hop off of you, hitting the floor with little thuds, but manage to stick the landing. They run off towards Kanaya, and she sits the rabbit at their feet. You thought she might worry about getting blood or fur all over the floor, but you both know grubs will devour everything but the bones. They might eat the bones. They certainly make an effort to devour the rabbit, it’s bigger than they are, but you have no doubt they’d eat all of it.
Kanaya walks over to you slowly, before kneeling down beside you. Her jade eyes look you over, her hand reaches out, but then comes back to her lap. Neither of you says anything, all you hear is the sound of chewing and ripping from the grubs. It’s not the most pleasant sound in the world, and it makes you somewhat uncomfortable given your friend is just staring at you. “I thought you were dead.”
”Oh,” you respond, looking away. “I’m not, so.” You shrug, unsure of what you’re supposed to say, and rub at the back of your neck, looking elsewhere. “I didn’t think you’d have grubs.”
She turns her head to look at them, and you follow her eyes. The two grubs are still eating, but the jade is hissing at the blue, keeping most of the meal for herself. “Yes, well, neither did I, truthfully. But the idea happened to become more appealing over time. Pardon me a moment.” She gets up and goes over to the grubs, scolding the jade and tearing off the back legs of the rabbit and seperating her two grubs to feed, one side of the room and the other; one with the body, the other with the legs.
She returns to you, licking the blood from her hands, and you scowl at her. She just licks her fingers clean and kneels down beside you once more. “They can be rather exhausting, I’m afraid. Thankfully it won’t be long until they pupate. After that, they will be old enough to go alone.” She sounds sad as she finishes talking, looking down at her now clean hands.
”Right,” is all you say.
Kanaya looks down at you, and she has that soft look in her eyes. “Karkat,” she begins, “Terezi has told me about your... Situation,” she glances down at your belly, but quickly raises her eyes to your face.
”Did she now?” You growl quietly, sitting up and folding your arms. “And what, pray fucking tell, is my situation.”
She gives out a long sigh, before holding her hand over her chest. “I understand, Karkat. This is-“
”Do you? Fucking do you?” You sneer. “Like hell you understand!”
”Karkat, stop it,” she raises her voice, not quite to shouting, but loud enough that it’s clear she’s growing frustrated with you.
”It doesn’t fucking matter. Can we drop it.”
Her lips purse and she looks up at you, like she’s working through the possible argument in her head. Then she stands up, taller than you, quite a bit taller. “You left us,” She accuses, “you were our friend. And you left us.”
You bite at your bottom lip, gnawing at it. “Yeah, I left,” you allow yourself to say, almost calmly.
”And the only reason you came back, was for my help,” she hisses, and you feel like she might tear your legs off. “Did you think we didn’t care about you, was that it? Were we simply a useful attachment? Help me to understand this, Karkat!”
”I’M A FUCKING MUTANT!” You snarl at her, making her flinch just a bit. You stand up to face her, despite being shorter by a head. Your entire body bristles, and your lips have curled back to reveal your fangs and gums. You keep your fists by your side, you wouldn’t hurt her, even in this state of anger. “I’m a fucking mutant,” you repeat, voice croaking a bit. “I didn’t know you all knew, and, I didn’t want my friends to think of me as a threat- or try to fucking kill me! That’s the one fucking thing I don’t think I could ever be okay with, and- Kanaya, it’s been hard-“ your voices turns to whimpers, unable to handle the look she is giving you. You grew up, and so did they, and you missed them, and hurt them. And you know your a horrible person, but you can’t be alone anymore. You can’t. You don’t want to die alone. “It’s not okay...” Red tinted tears begin to prickle your eyes, brushing down your bright cheeks. “It was a mistake...”
”Oh...” She hums sympathetically at you, pulling you closer, wrapping her arms around you. “Don’t cry,” she hushes you, “you’re here now. We’ll get you prepared for what comes next, and perhaps we can all catch up? It has been far too long.”
You sob into her chest, throat tickling, choking, and chest heaving. You hate seeking comfort like this, Kanaya isn’t your moirail, and you have no right to try and treat her like she is. You hate yourself for it, but, you need it, you need to let out the pain, the anger. “Y-yeah,” you try, not allowing yourself to hug her back.
You pull away from her arms, you can’t take it anymore. You can’t be like that, “let go.” You let out a weak hiss and she obliges, releasing you. “Don’t fucking pity me. Just...” you cough. “I just want you to know that I fucked up. If there was a way I could make shit right, I would. But I can’t. I fucking can’t. And you have no idea how shitty that makes me feel, how unbearably useless...” You flex out your fingers and try to take some deep breaths. “You’re angry, and I get that, I really fucking do. And I’m angry. Try to understand that the past few sweeps haven’t exactly been great for me either. I came back because... Yeah, I need your help. I can’t do this shit by myself,” You motion down to your belly. “And believe it or not, I missed having friends. I missed you guys.”
”... We missed you, too, you know,” she says quietly. For a while all you hear is the sounds of the grubs biting and swallowing flesh. It might have sounded cute, if the noise didn’t suddenly make your skin crawl.
”I don’t want them,” you tell her, staring at the floor. “They’ll either be like me, which means... They won’t...” You take a shaky breath. “Or they’ll be like them, and I don’t know how I’ll even be able to look at them. They don’t deserve the shitty life I’m giving them.”
She nods, and turns to leave, “by the looks of things, you still have time to contemplate your options rationally. If you need someone with an experienced opinion to talk to, I’m here. But for now you look like you need a proper feeding. Not a jar of my blueberries.”
You look up at her, “oh.”
”It’s not a problem. It might be a while before I can make more, however. But it is no immediate problem.”
”Okay. Yeah. Okay.”
She looks at you funny, like she is thinking very hard on... Something.
”Are we still friends?” You come out with, feeling defeated.
She sighs, and goes and opens the door, ushering you to follow her. “It is more than a little difficult to stay mad at you for long, no matter the circumstance. You shouldn’t need to ask, Karkat. It’s hard not to form attachments to someone like yourself.”
”My greatest weakness,” you shrug.
”Nonsense, now hurry to the meal before these two realise I have opened the door.”
You huff a short smile, and follow her.