Chapter Text
"So then...you put the blue wire here! attach it to here, then this and a bit of bending. Get the red wire...Get rid of this strew, Ta da~!"
The Clink Clank Krumkake Craft Shop's atmosphere smelled faintly of sweets, desserts, and baked goods, but also like metal and oil, just anything you would smell in an old repair shop. But right now... you could practically smell misery radiating off one visitor. A visitor from the Lightkeepers.
There sat Illuga, who looked like he was about to explode from boredom. Aino had been teaching him how to repair machines for half an hour with her robot companion.
"Thank you. Ms Aino, but I really should get going. I have written everything down already, I swear!"
The pink haired girl pouted and put her sleeve covered hands on her hips. "No way! You said that last time. When you came back this time, you forgot everything! Ineffa, do something!"
"Task received," Ineffa's monotone voice came out from her speaker. She shifted her gears, and her metal hands turned into a vacuum of some sort. Illuga stood up quickly from the workbench in an attempt to escape, but it was unlikely he could outrun a robot... "Please have mercy! I swear I will remember your lectures!"
Illuga ran with Aedon in his lamp. His heavy lamp made clinking sounds with the belts and straps he wore with his lightkeeper's uniform. Illuga tripped on some portable bearings that were scattered all around the shop, he fell face first into someone hard.
"Oof! Oh my Archons, I am so sorry! I did not mean to!" A familiar rich laugh was heard. "It is quite alright, young master. No need for apologies.
Illuga looked up in shock. "Flins!?"
"Mr Illuga, it seems that I have finally caught up to you. Ha. Ha. Ha." Ineffa's deadpan voice came from behind. Flins bowed, one hand behind his back and the other on his chest.
"Greetings, Ms Ineffa, Ms Aino. I truly must apologize for interrupting your enlightening lectures. But it seems like the Lightkeepers need the squad leader, Illuga to report back." Illuga brushed the dirt off his coat and quickly ran beside Flins, practically hiding behind the fae. "It is a matter of utmost most importance."
"Understood, Very well then. Farewell." Ineffa said before returning to Aino. Flins walked with Illuga, who was still catching his breath. "Thank you for saving me, Mr. Flins. Haa...Haa..." The taller male simply smiled politely.
On their way back to Cliffside Camp, Illuga noticed a Knight of Favonius running towards them. Both men stopped in their tracks and turned towards the knight. "Sorry to bother, but based on description, you must be Sir Illuga and Flins."
They exchanged a glance at eachother, then back at the knight, nodded, after confrontation, the knight proceeded to hand over three letters. They all looked the same, But. Their eyes darted instinctively upon seeing that the letters had the stamp of Mondstadt. This could only mean something important...
Illuga's mind: "My bunny! Lohen!"
Flins's mind: "Varka! My Prince!"
Flins suspiciously and quickly hoarded all the envelopes. He was being more secretive than usual today. "The letters are from-"
The knight was cut off. "Allow me to read the letter. I shall save you the trouble, young master." A smile so polite, it was almost like he was trying to hide something.
"Oh, you are too kind, Sir Flins. No need for that. I am sure your plate is already quite full," Illuga responded, his tone passive-aggressive.
A flash of irritation shows on his face.
"..."
Silence stretched, and the air became tense. The knight just left, not wanting to deal with the extra trouble. "I insist, young master."
"I as well insist."
"..."
This was not going anywhere. Clearly, they both had secrets to hide. "What are you hiding?"
"I must ask you the same question, young master." "I asked first."
"And I asked second."
Illuga jumped, attempting to reach the letters. "Hup!" He hops. Flins raised the two envelopes to the sky, out of reach. Illuga stood on his tippy toes, this didn't work, then attempted to tackle the man in black, but he failed. Flins's posture was as straight as a lamppost, and one hand politely was still annoyingly behind his back.
"Quit teasing!" Flins closed his eyes, smiling about this- "Go get them, Aedon!" Illuga summoned his Geo nightingale by using his lamp.
Aedon darted out and snatched the two letters effectively out of Flins's grasp. Illuga started to run, he proceeds to open one of the letters in his arms, since they both looked the same. Aedon pecked at Flins, slowing the Fae down by a bit.
"My Dear Sweet Fairy Prince, Oh Flins baby, I missed you dearly. (Censor Censor Censor).
I hope you missed me too. It is me, your favourite golden retriever! I wish I could see you once more. I have longed your (Heavy Censor) (Censor Censor Censor) ever since I left Nod Krai. I just want your (bleep bleep, dolphin noises, ######)."
Illuga froze, his brain short circuits and dropped the letter on the stone ground. "A-a... aa... A-A-AHHH, AHHH! WHAT THE FUCK!"
He screamed in absolute terror. His hands went to his coat, and he started to wipe his hands desperately, trying to wipe off the filth. He starts to hiccup from shock.
Aedon flew back to Illuga. It only took one glance. "SQUAWK!" It darted back into Illuga's lamp, absolutely traumatized.
Flins caught up eventually. He picked up the letter calmly but looked, no doubt, embarrassed. Illuga stared at Flins, disbelief written all over his face. Flins made eye contact for a mere second before flames swallowed him whole. It only left a purple lantern floating in the air. Illuga walked to pick up the lantern. "..." This confirms his suspicions of whether Flins were human or not, but now really wasn't the time...
Illuga arrived at Final Night Cemetery and walked towards the lighthouse. He placed Flins near the table. "S-sorry?" Illuga stuttered. Honestly, what could he even say? When Illuga received no response, he nodded and then walked away from the island, leaving Flins alone.
Back at Cliffside Camp, Illuga sat down in his office, his eyes wide and his head reeling from what he had read earlier. "I am never recovering from this," he was sure of it. He would never look at Flins the same ever again. Wait. Illuga was not any better. He glanced at the letter on his desk, slightly afraid after that incident. His hands reached for something sharp, and he grabbed the letter opener. He sucked in a deep breath, bracing himself worriedly.
"Hey Illuga Birdie, After returning, I have found it quite challenging and difficult to settle in."
Oh thank Archons, this letter was normal
Illuga thought to himself.
"Mondstadt is really the place to be. I got some apple cider, everything smells like dandelions, I wish i were still allergic to 'em.
But, I am not used to this at all. After months and months of fighting the Wild Hunt every day, I find it hard to concentrate. I do not get to lose myself in the thrill of a battle anymore.
You are probably thinking, 'Oh thank god you don't get into dangerous trouble anymore, yay!'
Sure, I am not in any big danger anymore. I just now find it really hard to sleep. Without the Wild Hunt wearing me out, I am way too restless these days. I missed your voice. I want you here with me now. It is so boring these days. Umm, nothing happened in particular that needs mentioning. Because I've been on my best behaviour, kept our promise to, didn't hurt myself.
I love you, bye. Lots of love and kisses, mwah mwah."
Your favourite bunny,
Lohen."
Aww, that was cute. Illuga smiled while reading and thought to himself that this letter was a stark contrast with the other letter he had read earlier by mistake. Illuga glanced at the last letter.
Upon opening it, he saw it was from Varka. This time, it did not look like a letter meant for Flins.
How curious.
Why would the Grandmaster send a letter to him? Perhaps it was to say thanks to the Lightkeepers for their hospitality, maybe. This man did write a lot anyway, so it only made sense.
"Dear Illuga, Hey there. It has been a while! I hope the Lightkeepers are all in good health and that the Wild Hunt are not giving you guys too much trouble, yeah? If they ever do, do not be hesitant to request the Knights of Favonius for assistance. We will all be happy to help!
Aside from that, I hope Flins, your old man, and everyone we fought alongside during the battle to defeat Dottore are well.
You may or may not be wondering why I personally sent you this letter. Well, I may or may not know that Lohen is, in fact, your secret boyfriend.
Now. Before you get scared thinking I would blackmail you, which I am not doing, I am writing to tell you about Lohen.
...Lohen? What? Why? Illuga read on in the letter. The more he read, the more worried he got.
"illegal experiments." "reckless behaviour." "self harm." "suicidal intentions."
"I figured, Lohen wouldn't tell you, and it'll be unfair to keep you in the dark."
.
.
.
By the end, when he read the last word, he was trembling.
Trembling with the fear that he might lose another person he cared for. "Lohen. You said you were fine."
"Illegal experiments, kidnapping, harming innocent people. Fine. That is fine. I am not surprised knowing you. Not at all, ha! But harming yourself again?" Illuga murmured nervously.
He paced around the room. What could he do? What could he do? He was a hundred thousand miles away from his boyfriend. What could he do but write?
No Lightkeepers were under any obligations to stay. Most of them leave after joining shortly.
Should he leave?
No.
He would let Nikita down. Hiccups started again from being so nervous and shocked with the newly digested information. "I... I, you promised you would not harm yourself anymore. You swore! I knew he was unstable. I am his lover, to hold him together, and I-..."
Losing Lohen...That made him feel fear, just like the day when he attempted to defeat a monster all by himself after one of his teammates died, That memory came flooding back. It was so sudden that he felt completely lost for a moment. It hit him like brain trauma. That incident almost got himself killed. Luckily, the Traveler came to save him.
He was a hypocrite.
He himself had no regard for his own safety either. They were the same, just in different fonts.
"I could have easily prevented this, could I not? By setting a better example and reinforcing some... something! Anything!" Lohen. I miss him. I can help him. I can fix this. Somehow. Somehow. "Hah... haha..."
Illugas knees gave up. He collapsed, curled up, and laughed breathlessly. Aedon hid in the corner. The poor nightingale had no idea what his master was doing. All it knew was that his master was unstable. Again.
Flins knocked on the door, he walked in, looking flustered. Just as he was about to explain himself, he saw Illuga in a panicked frenzied state. Illuga looked as if he were about to be corrupted by the Wild Hunt.
Flins hurriedly strode over carefully, setting aside his polearm. His boney, cold hands reached Illuga's body. He was pulled up and sat him down on Illugas bed, though he collapsed the second nothing was supporting him, as if he was a stringless puppet.
"I-... hic! ... Lohen. I want to see him. He is in trouble. I could have helped."
"Weep if you must, but you must calm yourself down, young master. Do not let emotions take control of your thoughts. Take your time. I will keep watch."
Flins's voice was rather soothing. It crashed against his deprecating thoughts of his own incompetence and self blame. Illuga lost track of time. He just knew he must have cried for a very long time because, when he woke up, it was already morning. Yet Flins remained next to him, awake still.
"Sir Flins?" He rasped out weakly. The fae shifted to get him some water. "Please do not strain yourself. Have some water, young master."
.
.
.
Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Months blur. Illuga has shut himself out. He only participated in paperwork, work that required writing, reading and sitting in a stuffy room all day and night. He has not picked up his polearm for a considerably long period of time. He did not help ward off the Wild Hunt. Aedon goes on walks or flights with other people often now instead.
Why?
Because he had no energy for any of that.
He stopped eating, or resting at least regularly. All the Ratnik in the base worried for their squad leader.
Especially Nikita, his adoptive father figure. "Illuga, I cut some apples for you."
"..."
"Illuga?" Nikita's voice was almost non-existent. The plate clinked when it hit the table. Nikita walked away, worried. Illuga finally glanced up from his papers.
Apples. They were cut in apple bunnies.
Apples also reminded him of Lohen, the way he would train his knights in his own fucked up way with an apple on his head for a target.
"Bunny..." Eating was hard. Every time he ate, it seemed to drain all his energy.
Nibble. Nibble.
The apples browned. Illuga only ate two slices.
He had no more energy for anything else. He smelled horrid. When was the last time he took a shower? He doesn't remember anymore. I smell like shit, maybe I will take one tomorrow.
"Lohen..."
His eyes drifted to his bed. It also smelled horrid. Not only that, it also had stains. When was the last time I changed it? I will do it next time I remember.
"I miss you."
Paperwork piled up high like towers.
Scribble. Scribble.
His hands wrote mechanically. The feathered pen tickled his fingers once in a while, but numbness. is was what he felt.
Even when the bottle of ink knocked over his desk, spilling and staining everything on the ground like his laundry, old forgotten letters, tissues, and bags, he paid no mind.
As the ink dried on the paper, so had the ink on the floor. It seeped into the cracks of the metal floors and stained everything below his desk. A permanent stain. Like the scar on his neck. And the scars on Lohen's self-inflicted wounds.
He could have helped. He does not know how, but just somehow. Useless.
Useless. He was useless. He can't even help his own boyfriend, let alone lead a whole group of Ratnik. How is he qualified to be squad leader? So many people believed in him, and he let them all down somehow, all at once as well.
The body Illuga was trapped in felt extra heavy.
get up. Move. Now. Please. I want to sleep.
"..."
Illuga stayed in his chair, slumped and unmoving. He ended up just sleeping on his desk instead. When he woke up, he continued his paperwork, but not before writing to his lover again.
Lohen opened the letter. He scanned it briefly, then shoved Mika aside, who was still trying to collect the pad off the floor.
"Byeee!"
Lohen slammed the door. He could not afford to let Mika see him look troubled. Klee was still asleep.
"Dear Lohen,
To be frank, I have not been doing well at all. A few weeks ago, I charged into battle without any regard for my safety. After one of my team members passed away, I was so distraught that I could not think straight.
Thankfully, the Traveler saved me. We defeated the monster in the end. I find simple tasks difficult. I can't seem to eat regularly anymore. It's hard. Its difficult to understand, even to me. I cannot decipher what the hell is wrong with me. I missed you as well and love you as much.
Though I heard from Varka that you have been hiding your troubles from me. Why? Why do you feel the need to hide such things? I care about you. Am I not doing well enough? Do you simply not trust me? Do you hate me? Have you fallen out of love with me? Am I good enough? Please, I love you. Please. Do not leave. Please don't hide. (shaky handwriting) (Ink filled and soaked the rest of the letter)
Love,
Illuga."
Lohen read the letter. At least Illuga missed him too, and that Illuga also was kind of fucked up. Carefully, he deciphered the words crossed out by Illuga. Lohen smiled.
"Heh... I am more normal than Illuga. I'm better than him." This was seriously the best of what Lohen could think about, and still, he did not think he was in any wrong, comparing another mentally ill person with himself like if he was any better than Illuga.
He seriously didn't think there was anything wrong with him.
Lohen looks out the window. "Oh silly little bridie..."
.
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. . . ___
i made something for you guys.