Chapter Text
Despite the passage of time, despite the distance that has been created, despite the memories that have been erased, there are lingering, faint feelings towards those who were once your family and are no longer so for reasons beyond your control. The brain, wonderfully, can hold on to certain memories despite adversity; this is often seen in patients with Alzheimer’s, where the failing mind is still capable of being reawakened by music, smells...
I blamed it on that; that’s why I decided Katie had to be in the Regime, even though my second-in-command advised against it. Because of that sense of family—that if I closed my eyes and drifted into something like a dream, I could still see and feel it.
Everything was white, I was screaming, my vision slowly clouded over with a purple hue, then suddenly black. Then movements, gentle, whispers all around me, a kiss on the top of my head and being enveloped in that warmth.
– Ash... Wake up, there’s another friend, do you want to meet him? -
It was Katie’s voice, but much younger than the one I knew, the one that had been healed and scarred by time. And when I opened my eyes, she stood before me, practically a goddess, radiating extraordinary beauty and bearing a horn on her forehead. My voice came out in a language I had almost forgotten, hoarse and pained, as if the words were being torn from my lips.
– Yes, I want to meet him. -
My body ached as if I’d been beaten non-stop for hours. But with the help of the girl with Katie’s voice, I managed to get up from the cluster of beds, there were at least three small beds pushed together, and stand, almost on my own. The new boy was a little smaller than me; he couldn’t have been more than seven years old.
If the other girl’s beauty was beyond natural, the beauty of the boy standing before me was entirely of this earth. But he made my knees tremble; with her I wanted to pray and worship her, with him I wasn’t sure what to ask for once I was on my knees. My instincts took over before I could stop myself, and before I knew it I was making a slight bow.
He must have found it amusing because he laughed, not loudly, just a little chuckle. He held out his right hand, with the other over his heart; I timidly took his hand as I stood up. He said something in a language I didn’t understand; I looked up, expecting to see bubbles above his head, but he was too new. He seemed saddened that he couldn’t communicate with me, so I pulled his hand towards me and wrapped him in an embrace.
– Don’t worry, I’ll look after you, forever. -
My bubbles were indeed working, and my reply seemed to please him because he hugged me back.
And once again, everything went black.
Beside me was my second-in-command, my head of defence and war spy, my Haiper. He still smelled of me, which perhaps made me lose my head more than I was willing to admit. We’d been talking for several minutes and he’d gone round in circles, repeating over and over that “I’m not gay” when talking about himself.
Despite the love and affection I had for him, the circle was starting to exhaust me.
– Maybe you’re not the gay one –
His eyes widened almost comically and he stammered adorably.
– Ash, are you gay? –
– And if I were, so what? More than half the people on this island are. But to put your mind at rest, no, I’m not, but I care more about what my partner is like than their gender, primary or secondary –
A veil of silence gently enveloped us both. What was one supposed to say to someone with internalised homophobia when you’re gay, not to mention the fact that they don’t know you’ve had a crush on them practically ever since you met?
– Well... I suppose it’s fine. It either increases the number of people you could marry for convenience, or it narrows it down based on your rule about not marrying assholes. -
– Yeah... On that note, I’m never going to marry for convenience. I’m really sorry for Molly, but it’s just not going to happen. And I’d tell you that no one in the regime has my wish to get married like that, but why lie, I let Tubbo do whatever he wants. -
Behind his eyes, the cogs in his brain were working, coming to the conclusion I’d been trying to make.
– So, you’re only excluding me. Because Katie’s married to Tomate and Fit turned out not to be Fit, so he’s no longer part of the Regime -
I smiled because there was little else I could do.
– I knew there was intelligence behind those little fox eyes –
Her cheeks flushed a soft pink.
– My leader... Ash... I... –
– It’s fine, you don’t need to say anything. I’ve been carrying this burden for a while now, I can carry it for a bit longer. When you feel ready, we’ll have a chat about it –
– We need to stop putting off conversations until I’m ready to talk about it... –
– Then you should think more about those things, and we’d stop having conversations left over –
We both stood there looking out at the lavender field in front of us; it seemed almost endless, and that brought me a sense of calm that’s hard to explain.
– I have feelings for you, Ash. I don’t know what they are, but I’ll find out; I’m in the process of doing so. Just hang in there a little longer, please... -
I nodded slowly; the confirmation that I was more to him than just a boss or just a friend put my mind at ease.
– Whenever you’re ready. And if it helps, talking about your feelings with someone else helps, especially if that person understands relationships. -
A sweet little laugh escaped him. – I’ll talk about it, not with Nexe, who apparently fancies me -
– Do you want me to intervene? -
– Would you like me to intervene between you and Ewron? -
That was a low blow, but more real than I needed.
– I just want to say that if you need me, I’m here -
– And I’ll come to you if I need you, but I want to handle this myself. Nexe, I care about him a lot, he’s a very good friend and I wouldn’t want to lose his friendship over something like this -
– All right... -