Chapter Text
“I’ll miss you terribly, you know. I wish you could come with me, but that’s quite impossible. … Oh, don’t look at me like that. You’re breaking my heart… Amatus, tell Barkon Felix that you’ll take wonderful care of him and I’ll be back before he knows it.”
“I will take wonderful care of you and Dorian will be back before you know it.” Cullen parroted dutifully, though if his smile was anything to go by he thought Dorian was being ridiculous. Despite that he played along, and Dorian loved him for it. “Besides, we’ll be so busy terrorizing new recruits and starting your own training that you’ll hardly have the time to miss your papa,” the blond informed the pup in his arms – Dorian resolutely insisted o himself that he didn’t find anything about all this even remotely adorable, and the title of ‘papa’ certainly didn’t make his heart do a happy little flip in his chest. Felix whined uncertainly in response, wriggling a bit before lunging up to lick Cullen’s chin in a slobbery show of confidence. Still, when he turned his bright, too-intelligent eyes on Dorian to see him pack another pair of socks, he let out a mournful howl. The Mabari could tell that Dorian was leaving for a time and was clearly unhappy with the notion.
Except for Felix’s dramatics, it had been a lovely, peaceful morning. The fact that the sun hadn’t yet risen and he was bathed, fed and almost ready to be on the road was an annoyance, but one that he could bear. His Amatus had gone to great lengths to make sure functioning so early was easy for him – if this was what it would be like every time he left, Dorian didn’t think he’d mind having to go quite so much. Not when Cullen had a steaming bath waiting for him when he woke and had gone off to fetch him a delicious breakfast of turnovers – two filled with chicken and cheese and one with spiced apples – while Dorian soaked away the lingering soreness from the night before. The blond had even brought extra turnovers for him to bring with him, which Dorian couldn’t help but kiss him for. He loathed travel rations, after all.
And then there was all the touching. He’d been called too needy by lovers in the past, been condemned for enjoying small, innocent but intimate gestures too much. Cullen, however, seemed to crave the near-constant connection almost as much as he did, and they both reached for each other without hesitation or comment. Hardly a moment passed when their fingers weren’t linked or their thighs pressed together, and as soon as he’d sat down to breakfast, Cullen had draped an arm over his shoulders and pulled him snugly to his side. He didn’t relinquish that hold until Dorian had to pack, and even then had seemed reluctant to let him go.
It was incredibly reassuring and filled him with a sort of fortitude that he’d never truly experienced before. Cullen made him want to be strong, and so he would be. Every touch bolstered that strength and shored up his defenses for the Amatus-less days to come. Even now, while Dorian stood by the bed going over his gear one last time, Cullen (who sat on the floor like the barbarian he was) had one socked foot pressed against Dorian’s ankle.
“I don’t know if we should bring him to the gate to see me off,” he fretted, looking to the Mabari pup. “He’ll make a dreadful scene, and I’ll probably shame the whole of Tevinter by crying over a dog. I do wish he was old enough to bring with me.”
“As do I.” Cullen agreed, scratching Felix’s ears vigorously just as the silly beast liked. “I’ll feel better when he’s old enough to guard your back when you travel. For now though…” Sighing, the blond got to his feet, careful to keep the most distinguished Barkon steady and safe in his hold. “You’re right. Say your goodbyes to him now, and then I can take him to Kattrin – she’ll keep him occupied. Once that’s done, I’ll meet you at the gate for our goodbyes.”
Perhaps the bath, food and touching weren’t enough to make leaving better after all. Dorian found himself rather choked up when he took Felix into his arms. “You be good, my darling boy.” He murmured around the lump in his throat. “I’ll return as soon as I’m able, I promise you. Do take care of your da for me,” he added, watching Cullen blush at the title from the corner of his watery eyes. “He’ll go back to bad habits the moment I’ve left Skyhold.” Felix regarded him seriously, then let out a bark that was a mixture of authoritative and sad. Dorian bore the face-licking that came next, doing his best to pretend he wasn’t a heartbeat away from bursting into tears. “Yes yes. There we go. I’ll miss you Felix-love. Be good, and I’ll bring you back a treat.”
Cullen accepted Felix back after Dorian dropped a kiss to the top of Felix’s fuzzy head, giving Dorian an understanding smile and a brief kiss of his own. Then, once Cullen had slid his boots back on, the pair left, the Mabari giving that sorrowful howl all the way down the hall from the sound of it. He did hope the pup wouldn’t miss him too much, and that he’d be alright while Dorian was away. Cullen would look after him, of course, and probably spoil him rotten, but still. Leaving him – leaving them both – was harder than he’d imagined it would be.
Alone where no one could see him, Dorian allowed himself to shed a few tears. His father and most of his countrymen would scoff at the show of sentiment, but… well. One was allowed a bit of foolishness over those he loved.
~.~.~
Torches kept the gray pre-dawn light of Skyhold from being irredeemably gloomy; they did nothing to prevent Dorian from shivering as he made his way down to the main gate. By the time he reached it, he was cursing the cold and snow, and Solas for leading the bloody Inquisition to this Blighted ice castle, and his Amatus for not allowing him to borrow that dreadful fur cloak of his. He was cold, void take it, and he just wanted to crawl back into bed. At least when he arrived at the gate Sylaera wasn’t there yet – he’d have a few minutes longer of reprieve before he had to face her. Sera and Bull were there, of course, Bull speaking to Skinner and leaning on his giant war hammer. The Chargers had probably gone ahead, and the city elf would act as a runner between the two groups – when she saw him, she grinned and waved the knife she was toying with in his direction as a ‘hello’. He waved back with a rueful smile, fully prepared for Bull’s entire company to give him hell the whole way to the Storm Coast.
Strangely enough, Cassandra and Vivienne were both there as well – that was something he had not expected. The mage was watching Sera torment the Seeker over her book collection, one brow arched in either judgement or amusement – it was always hard to tell with her. Simply because he thought he could get away with it, he went to Vivienne first and greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. Sera immediately came to a full stop, eyes wide and fixed on the pair of them, mouth dropped wide enough to catch a whole hive of bees. Cassandra seemed stunned for a moment but collected herself quickly; Bull and Skinner were ignoring them. Vivienne only smiled, eyebrow relaxing as her expression turned just a hair more open.
“Ah, there you are darling. I was afraid you would find it too difficult to leave the warmth of your bed. I half-expected you to come running in at the last moment looking a mess, but here you are as dashing as ever. Good.”
“Seeker!” Sera hissed, pretending no one else could hear her. “He kissed her! He kissed the witchy pisser and she didn’t make him bleed!”
“Hush, Sera.”
“But it’s-” Giving a sigh, Cassandra shifted to stand in front of Sera, allowing Vivienne and Dorian a bit of privacy and blocking out the elf’s words a little at the same time. He smiled and shook his head, then directed his attention back to the Court Enchanter.
“Good morning, my dear woman. I didn’t expect to see you this morning.” Frowning slightly, he took in her appearance, noting that she was again tidy and put together, her mask nearly impenetrable. That he saw a hint of sadness in her eyes Dorian took as a mark of her regard toward him. “How are you?”
“Oh, well enough I suppose. Though this place is so dreary and dull, despite Josephine’s efforts. I can’t help but entertain thoughts of returning to Orlais.”
“You would leave me alone here, among these uncivilized, uncouth barbarians? If you abandon me, who will I argue with about fashion? Who will direct me to the best wine merchants? No, no – I insist you stay here, where you can do real good.”
“Hmm. Perhaps.” The smile she gave was wintery and hard, iron coming back to her eyes. “I have little enough left to me anywhere else, after all. And Bastien’s son and sister are coming here to visit, so I suppose I must endure at least until then.” With that she stepped closer to him, and laid on cold hand against his cheek. “I just came to see you off, darling, and to wish you luck. Also, as I was sorting through some of my belongings, I happened upon a few odds and ends – potions, mainly, ones that you might find useful in a tight spot.” With her free hand, she passed over a small satchel; it was heavy with what he could only assume would be a small fortune in healing and lyrium potions, with perhaps one or two more ‘exotic’ mixes as well. “Do take care of yourself while you’re away. I should be very cross if you came to harm and left me alone here.” When she leaned in to brush a kiss to his cheek, she whispered in a soft voice meant only for his ears. “Watch her, Dorian. The Inquisitor is not to be trusted – she will not hesitate to bleed any of us on a whim. Do not let her best you, my darling boy.”
And with that, she was gone, leaving without speaking so much as another word to anyone else. As he watched her sweep away, all elegance and a spine of steel, he wondered how much she cared beneath all the layers of icy will and indifference. Idly, he couldn’t help but wonder what his life would have been like if his mother had been more like her – Aquinea had all of Vivienne’s hard exterior, but had almost never shown him half as much regard. Vivienne would do well in Tevinter, he thought, for all that she abhorred the place.
Once she’d left his sight, Dorian wandered over to join Sera and Cassandra, tucking the precious satchel away in his bags as he did; he would investigate its contents later. The archer pulled a disgusted face at him, made a sign to ward against evil and then turned her back. “No talkin’ to me ‘til you don’t smell like a rich shit anymore!” she told him, bouncing over to skinner and leaping on her fellow city elf’s back – they began a playful tussle under Bull’s amused eye.
“I wasn’t aware you were so friendly with Vivienne.”
“Well, we speak the same language for the most part, and I must confess that she’s grown on me. Besides, after what happened with Bastien…”
“Ah. Yes. It was…” Cassandra’s mouth flattened into a hard line, and then she gave a snort of disgust. “It should not have happened as it did. The Inquisitor should not have – it was not right. For all I am not close to Vivienne, I do feel sympathy for her. Perhaps I should make that known.”
“Be careful how you do it or she’ll only snap at you.”
“I shall take that into consideration.”
“I know why I’m standing out here in the cold at this absolutely ridiculous hour, but why are you?”
“Oh. I… it’s nothing, really. Cullen informed me you would be going, and… well. It is truly nothing. I only thought-”
“As adorable as it is to watch you bluster, Seeker, I’m taken and not very interested in those of the female persuasion in any case. However, if you’re lonely, I do believe Varri-”
“UGH! You are insufferable!” Dorian took pleasure in the way her cheeks flamed with embarrassment, and in the way she didn’t swat him for teasing. “I do not know why I bother. Here. Your dagger is shit.” The woman practically hurled a sheathed weapon at him, one he only just managed to catch. When he unsheathed the small blade, he almost fumbled it again, feeling his eyes go wide. “This is silverite! Seeker, you can’t-” He cut himself off, because when he looked up the woman was already walking away, every line in her body tight with irritation, and he felt absolutely awful about it. “Cassandra! Thank you!” he shouted after her, mind spinning as he tried to come up with a way to repay her for her act of (somewhat grudging) kindness.
He was so busy with such thoughts that he stopped paying attention to who was coming and going; as a result, Cullen was able to come up from behind him and wrap his arms around his waist without him even realizing the man had arrived. “She likes you.” Cullen murmured at his ear – Dorian could feel the smile curving his lips.
“No, she likes you and I just happen to be in your bed. She is my ‘friend’ by proxy only.”
“She knows you make me happy. She’ll look out for you when she can, in her own way.”
“Do tell her thank you again for me, won’t you?”
“Mmm. Your dagger is terrible, by the way. It is a good gift, one sorely needed.”
“I use it to cut herbs! It doesn’t need to-”
“Still. You never know when a small, quick blade may save your life. Make sure you keep it close.”
“… very well, Amatus. It is a lovely blade.” Maker’s breath, he could feel the weight of Bull, Skinner, and Sera’s attention – he was pretty sure he could also hear the two women sniggering at him. This journey was going to be such fun.
“When you return, I’ll make sure you have lessons on how to use it properly.”
“Trying to turn me into a warrior, Amatus?”
“No. Just trying to keep you alive.” Dorian heard a slight tremor in Cullen’s voice and immediately turned in the man’s arms, wrapping his around broad, steady shoulders. The blond heaved a sigh, then bent his neck to bring their foreheads together, their breath mingling visibly in the cold air. It felt like they were in their own, private world; Cullen was the only thing that existed to him just then, and it was perfect.
“I’ll be fine, Cullen. Don’t worry for me overmuch – I’ll return to you shortly, I swear it.” His words didn’t ease the concerned furrow he felt between his lover’s brow, nor did it ease Cullen’s tight hold on him even a little bit. “Amatus, I’ll be fine. You know I try to stay out of the thick of the fighting, and Sera and Bull at the very least will have my back. I’ll come home to you, and in one piece.”
“We can’t know that.”
“Well, no. Not for certain. But I believe it, Amatus – I feel it in my heart. I will always come back to you.” Almost before he finished speaking, Cullen’s mouth was on his, delivering a kiss that tasted of desperation and longing.
“I wish you did not have to go,” Cullen told him in a harsh whisper when their lips parted, his fingers clutching convulsively at Dorian. “I wish I were going with you. I wish you were not going to be so far away from me and with her. Maker help me, Dorian, but I want to keep you chained up in my bedroom where I know you’ll be safe.”
“No chains please, though I may not object much to a silken rope.”
“Dorian, please be serious.”
“I am – you’re just being ridiculous. I am the melodramatic one in this relationship, Cullen Rutherford, so do try to tone down your dramatics. You’re supposed to be the sensible one – we both know why I will do this, and why I will continue to join the Inquisitor on her little jaunts.”
“… yes. But I’m allowed to dislike it.”
“I suppose I can allow that.”
“I’m pleased to have your permission. Dorian, I-”
“Inquisitor incoming.” Bull called quietly, shattering the mood between them and allowing the real world to invade their private bubble. Despite feeling rather grumpy over that fact, Dorian still sent the Qunari a grateful look – it was better if Sylaera didn’t catch them completely unaware. To his surprise, however, Cullen didn’t completely let him go; when his Commander stepped back, he kept one arm around his waist in a possessive, protective hold, tucking Dorian close to his side. They both turned to face the direction that she would be coming from, and he braced himself, ready to see her glaring and growling at the picture of the two of them together. Would she be cutting and cruel, or would she ignore them? Would she demand a goodbye kiss from Cullen? Would she try to refuse to let Dorian have the same? Anxiety and anger formed a nauseous mix in his stomach, and he hoped that if he threw up he managed to do it on her boots.
When he saw her face though, he received the shock of his life – the Lady Inquisitor was beaming at them, eyes friendly and expression full of warmth. It was so completely unexpected that he found himself unable to think or form any kind of greeting; he could only gape at her. He had a feeling Cullen was doing the same, because Skinner and Sera were snickering again.
“Morning Boss,” Bull greeted easily, shifting his war hammer so he could holster it on his back. “We been waitin’ for ya. Sent the Chargers ahead with Gatt… you ready to get on the road?”
“Almost, I think. It’s a lovely morning, isn’t it? Air’s nice and fresh, just the way I like it.”
“And cold.” Dorian managed, voice sounding a bit strange to his own ears. “Abysmally, awfully cold. Sylaera, may I petition you to move our base to the Hissing Wastes? It was so warm there… I miss it terribly.” To his continued surprise, the Inquisitor laughed merrily, striding towards him with that wide, happy smile still on her face.
“I think we’d best stay where we are, Dorian. The cold is made up for by the lack of Venatori, don’t you think?”
“Well if you’re going to be sensible about it.”
“Josie and Leliana would scold if I wasn’t. I think Josie would cry if we had to uproot again, to be honest. Good morning, Commander Cullen.”
“Ah… that is… I mean… good morning?” His Amatus sounded bewildered and guarded, like he was certain this was a trap. And while it most assuredly was, there was no need to let on that they knew it. After Dorian covertly kicked his ankle, the blond managed a small smile of his own, shrugging a shoulder. “Forgive me. It’s been a long morning, and-”
“And you’re sad to see Dorian go, aren’t you? Don’t worry – I’ll take care of him for you.” There wasn’t a hint of a threat in her lyrical voice, but for a brief moment he caught a disturbing gleam in her eyes. He worked to suppress a shiver, then smiled up at Cullen when the man held him even tighter.
“I’m sad to lose the both of you.” Cullen answered evenly, sticking to his word about not antagonizing her just before she left his sights and took Dorian with her. “I shall miss you while you’re gone. I hope you’ll both take care and come back safely.”
“Of course we will – this is an easy job, really, and it’ll get us a treaty with the Qunari. Just think of it, Cullen! No one’s managed such a thing in… well, ever, and it will be the Inquisition that manages it. It will be me who does it.” Dorian did shiver this time and briefly caught Bull’s eye – there was something in his gaze that twisted his stomach and made him distinctly uncomfortable. Still, it would be worth it, if they could gain an ally and interrupt the red lyrium trade doing it. He shouldn’t be so suspicious just because his people had been at war with the Qunari since before he was born.
“Yeah yeah, treaties and shit. Can we go kill some flappy robes now please?”
“Yeah, can we?”
Sylaera laughed at Sera and Bull, her eyes never leaving Cullen’s face. “Of course – just a moment longer and we’ll be off.” She stepped forward, and Dorian almost lashed out; he didn’t want her anywhere near his Amatus. And this was the moment he’d been dreading, the one where he’d have to watch them kiss… and then he would have to choose to kiss Cullen after her or leave without kissing his love one last time before leaving on a potentially deadly mission. Either way, he lost something, and either way he would spend the beginning of the trip wanting to kill her, and- … oh.
Sylaera had placed a soft, brief kiss on Cullen’s cheek, nothing more.
Oh, this was a trap. He didn’t know how, or when it would spring, but this sudden shift in temperament couldn’t mean anything good for them. Dorian watched her carefully as she bid Cullen a fond but fairly professional goodbye and then went to join Bull. From the way she was looking at the Qunari, he was fairly certain that he and Sera (and possibly Skinner) would be bunkmates on the way to their destination. It should have made him feel better, but it only felt like another layer of the trap. Still, he couldn’t let it distract him from saying goodbye to his Amatus, not even if he could see the same suspicion in the man’s dark eyes when they turned to face each other.
Reaching up, Dorian cupped the back of the man’s neck and brought his forehead back to rest against his own once again. They couldn’t reach that private world of their own again, but it was better than nothing. “Kattrin is under strict instruction to make sure you eat, Amatus,” he started, hating that his voice sounded rough and his eyes were stinging with tears he refused to shed. “If you don’t, I shall be forced to finally show you my pout when I return and you will finally know its full power.”
“Will she be reporting on my every move, or just my eating habits?”
“If I say only your eating habits, will you believe me?”
“No.” Dorian loved the little smile tugging at Cullen’s lips so much he wasn’t even upset that the man saw right through him. Maker’s breath he was going to miss him.
“Then yes, she’ll be giving me a broad overview of your doings. Let her feed you, Amatus. She’s also going to attempt to make you smile once per day – humor her, will you?”
“If I must.”
“Thank you Amatus. Take care of Felix and yourself, and don’t let Cassandra force you out of bed too early in the morning. If Dagna asks you to… do anything, really, tell her no and that she should wait until I come back to move forward with our experiments. And if-” Cullen’s lips claimed his in a sweet, lingering kiss that seemed to last for an eternity, cutting off his words. That kiss was followed by a second, and then a third; when the blond finally pulled back completely, Dorian had utterly forgotten the warning he was about to deliver.
“I’ll be fine, Dorian. I’ll be safe in Skyhold – you watch yourself. If you come to any harm I’ll… I couldn’t… well. I really will chain you to my bed if I must. So please be careful.” His eyes darted to Sylaera, then came back to Dorian’s; the worry he saw in them meant he just had to kiss the man again.
“I’ll see you on my return, Amatus. I love you.”
“I love you too. Felix and I will be waiting.”
It was so very difficult to leave Cullen behind and walk out that front gate – it had never been so hard to say goodbye to anyone before, and Dorian wasn’t sure he liked it. Only knowing that he and Barkon Felix would be there on his return, both still his, made the struggle worthwhile. Even better, when he came back Cullen would be his alone, and Sylaera would no longer have any claim on him besides in his duties as Commander of the Inquisitions forces. They would be allowed to be together, and… happy, something he hadn’t ever really considered as an option for himself. In Tevinter, it never would have really been a possibility – he’d never have held the heart of any of his paramours, or trusted them with his. Despite their inauspicious beginning, the way they’d gone behind the backs of Bull and Sylaera, Dorian was sure that they were safe with each other.
When he came back, they would both promise never to sleep with other people.
The thought kept him smiling even though he was freezing, and even though he was heading into danger with a leader who was quite possibly entirely insane. It kept him smiling even when Sera and Bull began to poke fun at the marks on his neck and even when Sylaera’s good mood began to fade, her remarks becoming more cutting and her expression closing up completely. Knowing that he loved Cullen and Cullen loved him, and that they would be utterly faithful to each other until the end – whatever that may be – was shield enough to protect him from anything the world was about to throw his way.
Finally, he was ready reach for what he wanted, and hold on tight to it with all his strength.
He was finally ready to live.