Chapter Text
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
It's in a haze of pacing, quiet swear words and teeth gritting that Merlin ends up outside Harry's door at the other end of the ship. He knows Harry probably won't be in there, last he saw before he fucked up with Roxy, Eggsy Unwin's other half and the man himself were still in the galley with the rest of the Christmas party attendees. And since he's not willing to risk a face off with Roxy in front of half his charges, not when he's still trying in vain to sort out exactly how he fucking feels, Merlin's feet have carried him here. Oh goody.
He's secretly hoping that no one will answer when he knocks on the door. This end of the Lady of the Lake is nice and quiet, good for thinking. Maybe if he slides down to the floor and thinks for a bit, he'll be able to escape this clusterfuck. Like come on, he's a Chief Handler, he should be able to make split second decisions under pressure. But there's something about Roxanne bloody Morton that does bad things for his operating system, if we're talking in terms of IT.
But to Merlin's slight dismay, Harry does open the door to his room a minute or so later, blinking owlishly. There's a dim lamplight being emitted from the crack in the door behind him, darker than the hallway light, and Harry's shunned his suit jacket, bow tie undone around the collar of his white business shirt. The ever present shoulder holsters are missing for once, and Harry's glasses are slightly askew, something Merlin would definitely have pegged as odd if he hadn't been in such a state. Harry's voice is slightly raspy as he asks "Can I help you, Merlin?"
"I bloody well hope so," Merlin manages to grit out before it all comes tumbling out of him. "I've gone an' royally fucked it all up, 'Arry. With me an' Rox. I've been in love wi' her fer ages but I only jus' realised a few months back an' it's been tearing me up ever since, I wanted t' ell yeh bu' I knew yeh'd give me shit like everyone else does anyway, they don't even know 'alf of it, and she looked so bloody gorgeous tonight, you saw her, an' I was gonna jus' sodding tell her how I feel bu' every time there's been a moment where I could subtly make I move I go an' cock it up because I'm not an emotional person, 'Arry, yeh know I'm not, I don' show affection easily or open up an' when the moment calls for it I jus' don' know what t' do, an' Audrey thought we were a couple but I denied it the same time Rox said yes, t'was so awkward I wanted the bloody floor t' swallow me up bu' I pulled her outside t' try an' explain meself bu' somewhere along the line it appears she thinks I've been messin' her around an' so she got the shits and went back inside, I've been pacing for about the last quarter of an hour tryin' t'work out wha' t' do, yeh my best friend an' a top bloke who seems t' 'ave a way with words, so can yeh give me some t' use t' try an' fix this 'cause I jus' don' understand how women work, Harry, y'know? And can I bloody come in an' talk this out wi' yeh?"
Merlin exhales loudly as soon as he's finished his spiel, eyes wide, and for a moment all Harry can do is blink.
"Well," he begins, leaning against the door frame, rather more composed than a moment or so prior, despite Merlin's outburst. "As it turns out, I too have minimal understanding of the feminine gender, Merlin. Despite my many dalliances with them in the past, either on honeypot or my own merit, women can be rather. confusing creatures. Which, after all, has probably played a partial role in me being as bent as a bicycle tire, as you well know."
"Aye," Merlin manages, before shifting to try and come closer to the door. "But can yeh help me out, 'Arry?"
Pausing for a moment, Harry surveys his oldest friend before murmuring "Wait one, if you don't mind," and slipping back inside the door, closing it behind him.
There's several minutes of rustling, footsteps crossing carpet, and at one stage, Merlin swears his ears pick up on a whisper-argument. But he's fairly certain Harry would be alone, considering Eggsy and Roxy were two peas in a pod, unless he was hiding both of them in his room for some unknown reason. And whilst Merlin could easily switch on the infra-red sensor in his Kingsglasses, he was fairly certain that Harry would not take it kindly to be surveyed without permission. But what the devil was Harry doing?
Finally, a familiar chestnut coloured head of hair reappears from behind the gold-plaqued door labelled 'Arthur'. "Of course I'll play ear to your troubles, Merlin," Harry concedes with a small smile, smoothing a hand through his rumpled hair, and the Scot visibly relaxes his shoulders, managing a tight smile of his own. "It seems only fair, considering you are often on the receiving end of mine."
Pausing, and then sighing deeply, Merlin's oldest friend now meets his eyes with a slightly reproachful look, also laced with what appeared to be resignation. "However, in light of that blatantly obvious revelation of your affections towards the lovely Roxanne, I have one of my own to make".
Stepping back, Harry swings the door inwards, allowing Merlin an unobstructed view of his living quarters. The room is softly lit by a bedside lamp, and there's just enough room for a pair of comfortable chairs and a small wooden table next to the doorway into the ensuite (Merlin knows this boat inside out, thank you very much, he's well acquainted with the layout of every single room). But it's the four-poster bed that is the focal point of the room. And this drawing-of-attention is only accentuated by the figure Merlin finds on it.
"Oh hey, Merlin," Eggsy fucking Unwin remarks casually from the side of the bed, where he's sprawled in Harry's red bathrobe, no less, a pleasant smile gracing his features as he turns the page of a newspaper.
Merlin's jaw has dropped open, and he's sure he looks rather gormless as he turns his head between Eggsy and Harry like a spectator of a tennis match, mouth working but very little sound coming out.
"Wha'?!...but...you...an' him?!" He vocalises with some trouble, eyes wide as Harry strides across the room planting a sweet kiss on Eggsy's forehead before steering Merlin in the direction of the table and chairs.
"I've been dyin' t' do somefin like tha', ya've got no idea," Eggsy confesses conspiratorially, a wide grin splitting his face as all traces of the seconds-earlier pleasantness are replaced.
"You do have quite the penchant for dramatics, my dear boy," says Harry as he pours 3 tumblers of whisky from a decanter he seems to have conjured out of nowhere. Crossing the room once more, Harry places a tumbler in Merlin's rigid fingers, before sitting down in the chair opposite.
"Yeh....yeh little shits!" Merlin manages to put it, his earlier shell-shocked expression now a mixture of bemusement and irritation. "This whole time, Rox' an' I've been working our arses off t' try an' get yeh two together, an' now, as it turns out, our strenuous efforts were futile, because yeh already a bloody couple!"
"Well not entirely," Harry admits as Eggsy slides off the bed and trundles over to claim his own whisky, before settling himself comfortably in Harry's lap, draping his legs over the arm rest of the chair.
"Ya did 'elp us along a bit, I fink," the younger man meets Merlin's eyes. "We was a bit clueless, and all ya scheming simply sped up the process".
"But- but-," Merlin splutters. "Wha' about Valentines Day? Fabric?- this whole Christmas party?!"
"I must confess," Harry begins, thumb of his free hand stroking along Eggsy's exposed knee. "Most of this so-called pining was real. Well, real up until just before the incident in Surrey, because roughly 6 days before that, midway through our 3rd martinis at my house-"
"-I decided ta just come out wi' it," Eggsy finished, taking another sip from his tumbler. "Luckily for me, 'Arry 'appens to be a fan o' tipsy confessions". He grins at his boyfriend, who shares the eye-wateringly sweet gaze unashamedly.
"I had been planning on admitting my feelings sooner or later, but since you were so forward-"
"So yeh tellin' me tha' the massive sodding argument yeh two had a while back was all fake?! Wha' the actual-" Merlin began, outraged, but Harry was quick to interject.
"Quite on the contrary, Merlin, I'm afraid," the Kingsman chief keeps his gaze low, focused on swilling the golden liquid in his glass. "That, unfortunately, was the one incident that was entirely real, and I take full responsibility for that".
"Oh come off it," Eggsy exclaims, looking at his beau with obvious irritation. "We talked about this, 'Arry- whilst you an' Rox was dancing at Fabric, we sorted it out obviously, because here we are," he directs to Merlin, meeting the handler's gaze quickly before returning his focus to Harry.
"We're, er, aware," Merlin murmurs a tad sheepishly, watching Eggsy's eyebrows skyrocket.
"You wot?"
"Surveillance footage, Eggsy," Harry reminds him, sounding less than impressed when he locks eyes with Merlin. " And quite likely a microphone as well. I'm sure our dear friend Merlin here spared no expense ensuring his little scheme paid off".
Merlin has the decency to look a tad ashamed, shrugging his shoulders slightly as Eggsy sighs resignedly, before shooting upright.
"Wait, but if ya saw footage of us in Fabric," Eggsy bursts out, eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "Why'd ya freak out before when ya found out we was a couple?"
"Huh?" There's several noises of confusion from all for more then a few moments, then silence for a split second. And then Harry laughs, loud and heartily.
"I take it you didn't have the pleasure of viewing Egysy's and my entire conversation then, Merlin?"
"Well the mic cut out fer a minute or two just after yeh started t' talk, an' Rox n' I listened up to tha bit where yeh two were holdin' hands," the ops coordinator admitted, as Eggsy and Harry share an amused look.
"Well that faulty microphone of yours caused you to miss my second confession of love for Eggsy, unfortunately," Harry remarks, what appears to be a smirk settling on his lips. "And do be thankful that you chose not to watch the rest of the footage, either- thirty seconds longer, and I'm afraid the game would have been up.
"But thank you for organising Fabric," Harry's tone is much softer now, eyes fixated upon the boy in his lap, even though his words are for Merlin. "I wouldn't have had the first clue of how to win my dear boy back if I hadn't been give that opportunity. And now I can finally thank you, without it seeming too obvious what the outcome was, because you're already quite well aware".
"Yeh welcome," Merlin says dismissally before exclaiming triumphantly, "So yeh did go home together!"
"That we did," Harry responds, looking slightly flustered, before Eggsy interjects with "We've been a thing ever since, bruv, and bloody 'ell it was 'ard keepin' it so low-key".
All those lovestruck glances suddenly make sense to Merlin, rather than making him want to bang his head against his desk. He hadn't been imagining Harry's secretive smiles down at his phone, Eggsy's tendency to deny anything to do with Harry. They'd been doing what spies do best- lying, he notes.
"Want t' tell me why yeh both made such a big deal about going together t' this sodding Christmas party then?" Merlin asks, and the two bastards have the nerve to look smug.
" Well we didn' want everyone knowing jus' yet," Eggsy replies casually, draping an arm around Harry's shoulders. "An' we figured the more trouble we gave ya, the more likely our plan'd work".
"Wha' plan, exactly?" Merlin inquires with a frown, and Harry gives him a look of genial humour.
"We were hoping that Roxanne and yourself, preoccupied with trying to make us fall in love, would eventually do the same yourselves- with each other".
Merlin snorts into his glass but makes no further comment.
"This whole setup in 'ere has been real convenient though," Eggsy remarks happily, looking to Merlin. "I 'ave t' keep sneakin' back t' my room t' grab stuff, lucky it's only next door".
"Oh yeh think that was by coincidence, eh?" Merlin responds dryly, taking a much-needed sip of whisky.
"Coincidence or not, Merlin, it has been quite convenient," Harry points out with a small smile, and the handler nods in acknowledgement.
"Now, 're you gonna tell 'im, or am I?" says Eggsy to his lover conspiratorially, and with that, Harry addresses Merlin again.
"Oh yes, and Merlin?"
"'Arry?"
"I do suggest you go and find Roxanne. It's about bloody time you stopped gawping at her, grew some balls and kissed the living daylights out of her like she's been hoping you would- and complaining to Eggsy about at all hours of the morning for the last 4 months, might I add. Trust me, she's quite smitten, before you argue, and the only reason I'm telling you this is because I am quite keen to start taking my boyfriend to bed before 3am on a regular basis, sans lovesick phonecalls. So I beg of you, do us all a favour, stop Snapchatting your handler friends about Eggsy and I, like you've been doing for about the past year, and go make that girl happy".
Harry said this all with look of complete and utter nonchalance, inspecting his fingernails before giving a rather shell-shocked Merlin a pointed look.
"Well alright then," Merlin says faintly, after a long moment. Setting his empty glass down on the table and making his way towards the door, he adds "I'll leave yeh two to yeh quality mentor-protegee time".
"Much appreciated," Harry replies, and Merlin's hand is about to turn the doorknob when he pauses.
"On one condition".
"Name it". Harry meets his eyes, holding Merlin's gaze despite the fact that Eggsy is leaving a trail of kisses down his neck, and the older man's hand has moved from his boy's bare knee and disappeared somewhere inside the folds of the dressing gown.
Merlin sighs deeply. "Tha' yeh lovin' boyfriend finally pulls my fucking car out o' the sodding Thames".
And the last thing Merlin hears before he walks out the door, closing it with a soft click behind him, are Eggsy's vocalised protests. But they cut out rather quickly, for reasons Merlin is perfectly happy not knowing.
Roxanne Morton is out on the deck, another flute of champagne clutched in her hand again when Merlin finds her, his heart beating uncomfortably fast. Quietly approaching, footsteps sounding on the wooden boards, Merlin comes to a stop just behind Roxy, the sounds of the sea providing background noise There's no one about, and the last vestiges of conversation from inside the galley faintly trickle outside, the CD player and it's tinny Christmas tunes now mercifully silent.
She's still wearing his jacket, draped like a cape around her shoulders, he noted with a twinge of hope. But she didn't turn around at the sound of his approach, despite the fact Merlin is certain she would have heard him. So he squares his shoulders, takes a deep breath and speaks up.
"Look, Rox, I know I'm doing a right bollocking job at this-"
"No, shush," Roxy whirls around, her face a thudercloud. "You've had enough chances to talk, thank you very much, so now it's my turn".
Merlin's come head to head with some pretty scary shit in his time, what with over twenty years of Kingsman and its accompanying demons. And usually, if anyone spoke to him in that tone, especially one of lower rank, there'd be hell to pay. But this time, Merlin acknowledges he deserves it, and shuts right up so Cyclone Roxy can get on with it.
"I don't know what exactly is going on in that head of yours, Merlin, but let me tell you right now that mine's all over the place, no thanks to the mixed signals you've been giving me-"
"Wha' was I supposed t' do? Stand outside yeh bloody window with a stereo an'-"
"I've been flirting with you for months!-"
"Oh c'mon Rox, I can't tell wi' tha' sorta stuff-"
"It was pretty bloody obvious in my opinion!"
"Rox," Merlin sighs exasperatedly as she glares at him, eyes almost as cold as the temperature outside. "M'not an emotional person, I'm no good with people, yeh know tha, computers an' gadgets make far more sense to me than the human brain does".
"Well what was I supposed to do, tell you in binary code?" she retorts. "I'm a person, not a hard disk".
"Do yeh wanna know the reasons I didn' make a move?" Merlin says sharply but painfully, to her silence. "Because it goes against everything, everything -" He gesticulates "-every moral code I uphold, personally and professionally. I'm yeh supervising officer, I trained yeh for fuck's sake, I'm much too old-"
"So what?" Roxy half-shouts frustratedly, throwing her hands up in the air. "Eggsy's young enough to be Harry's son, but I can tell you right now he doesn't want to call Harry 'Daddy' in the fatherly sense! Age, professionalism- none of that is stopping them!"
"No...it bloody isn't," Merlin admits with a heavy sigh, all of the fight draining out of him like a flame doused with water. He's being hypocritical, and he knows it.
"What?!" Roxy's face, a flurry of extreme frustration, confusion and disbelief.
"Whilst I was M.I.A for 40 minutes or so, I was actually up in Harry's rooms asking fir advice on how t' not fuck things up with yeh, an' in the midst of that, there was a rather familiar looking lad weari'g someone else's dressing gown, who last I saw was perched on 'Arry's lap, so I'd say yes, our plan was a resounding success," Merlin explains, shoving his hands deep in his trouser pockets.
Realisation dawns upon that beautiful face, and Merlin uses her silence to muster all his remaining nerve to just come out with it.
"I'm not here t' play games Rox, I'm here to- oh fuck this, fuck me, fuck everything, I'm here t' tell yeh-"
"Zero one zero zero one zero zero one zero zero one, zero zero zero zero zero, zero one one zero one one zero zero, zero one one zero one one one one, zero one one one zero one one zero, zero one one zero zero one zero one, zero zero one zero zero zero zero zero, zero one one one one zero zero one, zero one one zero one one one one, zero one one one zero one zero one?" Roxy manages breathlessly, leaning in closer.
"Yep, something like that," Merlin mentions absently, as shouts sound, and an alarm begins to blare, and a Snapchat is sneakily recorded and sent to every single Kingsman handler not in the UK.
And the Lady of the Lake, full of Kingsman agents and armed to the teeth, changes course to set off at full speed towards Calais, France, where some motherfucking twat has decided that his terrorist attack cannot wait until Roxy and Merlin finish kissing.
****
It's a lovely sunny day at Kingsman HQ. Spring has sprung, a new year has begun, and Merlin's still just about had it with everyone's shit.
Merlin taps away on his clipboard, a symphony of shots sounding and the sweet smell of gunpowder wafting past his nose. It really was a lovely day, and it had seemed a shame to make the knights do their compulsory annual target practice at the shooting range on Level X of the bunker. Sun's out, guns out, in a rather literal sense, he mused.
The last bullet is discharged from Lancelot's firearm, and flicking the safety back on, Roxy saunters over from the targets to where Merlin is standing a short distance away, the lush grass rustling beneath her feet.
"How'd I go?" She asks cheekily, raising an eyebrow before trying to sneak a look at Merlin's clipboard.
"I'm afraid that's classified," he replies mildly, smoothly hiding the results from view. Of course Roxy had topped the charts, freak of nature that she was. "But I'm sure yeh did horribly, since yeh bored a bloody hole through the target's forehead. Looks more like a doughnut than the likeness of a head".
"Hmm yes, terribly I'm sure," Roxy murmurs, leaning in for Merlin to give her a quick but sweet peck on the lips. However, as their lips touch, a camera shutter sounds, and pulling back, Merlin looks unimpressedly at his girlfriend, who, smiling devilishly, is captioning her Snapchat of the two of them smooching.
"Yeh're a bloody menace, I swear," he shakes his head and looks down at his clipboard, unable to hid the smile playing at the corners of his lips.
"Ah, but I'm your menace," Roxy replies sweetly, and Merlin still shaking his head humourously, gives her another, longer kiss.
"If it isn't the picture perfect couple," comes a voice moments later, and Roxy and Merlin separate to find Harry Hart himself strolling towards them across the sprawling lawns, a slight smirk on his face.
"Well you'd know about picture perfect wouldn't yeh," Merlin addresses their Arthur a tad reproachfully. "You're the one who decided to Snapchat us kissing on the Lady, caption it "Operation Lancelin : Success" , an' send it to every single bloody person in Kingsman's employ".
Thanks to Harry, Merlin had been copping shit ever since he and Roxy had sorted themselves out from friends at every single Kingsman branch. It had been positively relentless for the first month or so, and whist having died down considerably by now, Merlin still was on the receiving end of many an innuendo on the occasion that he mentioned his lover's name, or ventured so far to post a rare photo of them together on Snapchat. And not that he would ever admit it, but all the humiliation it was worth it.
"Sue me, I have many Snapchat friends," Harry shrugs, coming to a stop next to Merlin and Roxy. "Besides, if I do recall correctly, you yourself indulged in a significant amount of photographing to do with Eggsy and I".
"Aye, but that was before yeh two became even more lovey-dovey and disgusting as an official couple. I'm actually glad I stopped." Merlin counters, shuddering for effect. "Speaking of yeh worse half, he's late. And so are yeh, come t' think of it. Yeh were booked in for yeh targets five minutes ago, and Galahad for just about now".
"The last I heard of my better half, he was borrowing one of the helicopters for some endeavour of his," Harry remarks nonchalantly. "He did inform me, however, that he would be back in time for his target practice".
"Well he's late," Merlin replies flatly, before quipping "I would say it was a part of having the Galahad position, however yeh own frequent tardiness, now as Arthur, sadly proves my theory wrong".
All in all, the previous year had been rather successful, Merlin notes not for the first time with a hint of glee as pores of his list of matched couples. He had surpassed his matchmaking personal best, after all. He'd just never imagined that he himself would be one of the people on the list. However, this year he was back at it, and had his eyes on several new couples- Hadn't Gareth's Facebook relationship status changed back to 'Single'?
The whir of helicopter blades sounds in the distance, and lifting his gaze to the skies, Merlin spots a lone helicopter making a beeline for HQ. That'll be Eggsy, the little shit, he realises, and is about to say something witty when Snapchat notifications ping simultaneously in Harry's, Roxy's and Merlin's own pockets. All three fish their phones out, and Merlin unlocks the screen to see an unopened Snapchat from eggsybruv91 sitting in his Snapchat inbox.
"How many times do I have to tell yeh boy not t' Snapchat and fly, 'Arry?" Merlin says irritably, as Roxy lets out a snort of laughter. "If he does it again, I'll revoke his pilot privileges".
"I do find he has selective hearing, and that he knows you make empty threats" Harry offers as the helicopter grows closer and much louder, and Merlin finally opens the Snapchat himself, muttering "empty threats indeed".
"Incoming..." he reads the caption aloud, watching the video from the helicopter cockpit of HQ growing ever closer, the helicopter now almost deafening
"What's that dangling from the rails?" Roxy wonders aloud, voice almost swallowed up by the noise as the helicopter advances, lower and lower, its cargo swinging from side to side, and a hand can be seen waving madly from behind the tinted windscreen of the chopper.
"What on earth?-" Merlin manages as the chopper passes over the roof of HQ, missing it by no more than a metre, and dropping from the helicopter with a crash, a barnacle-covered, filthy Kingsman-issue car is dumped unceremoniously upon Merlin's immaculate Kingsman lawns.
" Galahaaaaaaad!"