Chapter Text
Every weekend, like clockwork, Severine spent half the day talking with Bjorn and his family. Sometimes, when the Potters and Remus came over, Sirius could be witness to Lily's -not at all discreet- jealousy. He couldn't say he enjoyed it, because he himself also felt jealous at the close relationship Severine shared with Bjorn and his wife, but did make him feel giddy to know that no matter how hard Lily tried to regain Sev's friendship, the most she would ever be able to achieve would be a cordial relationship for the sake of the kids; and Bjorn and his lot were too far away from Severine to even attempt to take her and Ben away. Sirius was all Severine had, and she and Ben were all he had.
He sometimes talked to Remus about things. They, in fact, started talking about things a week after Sirius's wedding to Sev. Remus may not have shown it, but he was livid when he found out that he had practically manipulated Severine into marrying him, but since he had never been close to her, he hadn't known how to handle the situation, or even if he should intervene. He knew that Bjorn had given his reluctant approval, and it had taken the edge off of his anger, but Remus had still torn him a new one and the screaming match would have soon turned into a fist fight had James not intervened on time.
"This is why I regret ever feeling sorry for Snape's situation." he remembers James saying. "All the fights we've had between us always have her as the center. First in Hogwarts, then now…" Sirius and Remus had just turned to look at each other, amused and, in Sirius' case, ready to defend his new wife from him. "I wish she had never come back to our lives…" James had muttered, then "If she had died with her husband none of this would be happening."
That was the very first and only time Sirius ever hit James. He punched him square in the face, breaking his nose and his glasses and his own hand in the process. Remus didn't even bother to help James before he was screaming to both Sirius and James.
"It's her fault?" had started Remus, his question barely above a whisper. "It's her fault? Are you sure?" and then his voice escalated to the point where he was screaming in their faces. "How dare you say it is her fault when YOU, " he pointed at them both, "were the ones who threw the first insult?! All she did was say she wanted to be in Slytherin for you to target her for seven years straight! How dare you?! Every insult, every hex, every time you ended in the infirmary was a result of her defending herself from you! Don't you remember how many times I asked… how many times Lily begged for you to stop? And then you," this time he pointed at James, "went out of your way and stripped her naked in front of the whole school, and ruined the things you knew she couldn't afford to replace, and it was because of you that her friendship with Lily ended! You humiliated her in front of everyone and no one cared." then Remus turned to Sirius, and he felt, for the first time, a fear for his life when his mellow friend's eyes shined amber like the wolf's. "And you tried to kill her. How do you think she felt when the headmaster threatened her with expulsion and then punished her like it had been her fault in the first place? I don't think you remember, but the look on her face at that moment was of someone giving up… Then she just stopped defending herself… and then it was like she was a walking target… not only did you make her life miserable, the rest of the school did too…" Sirius remembers Remus' face taking on a faraway look. "But what I will never forget is the fear… not only did her eyes reflect the fear she was feeling… I could practically taste it in the air." Then Remus turned around and fell on a chair, his body heavy with the situation. "I know I never participated in directly harming her, but I could have done more. How do you think I feel whenever she looks at me like I'm going to suddenly turn and kill her? Don't you think I've noticed how she turns around and shields her baby from me whenever I'm around?"
James and Sirius were silent. Sirius, of course, had noticed, but he had made the conscious decision to ignore it.
"Honestly, had I been in her place, I would have done the same. I would have given up my magic for just a few years of peace…"
"Remus…"
"No… James. I understand why she did what she did. It is us who always cause trouble for her, not the other way around. We made her life miserable at Hogwarts. It was us who appeared on her doorstep unannounced and turned her happy, peaceful life into the hell it is now. She gave up her magic and left everything that hurt her behind… She had a family, friends, and a husband who loved her, and we took it all away from her. Bellatrix is just the catalyst of the misfortune we have brought into Severine's life." Sirius felt deep in his soul his friend's words, and even the sigh that came after them. "All I can do for her is try my best to become her friend… I may not be able to mend the years of torture we put her through, but if I can manage to at least make her be civil with me, I'll make sure she knows I'm someone she can rely on." Then Remus stood and looked at Sirius in the eye. "You, " Sirius felt his friend's finger almost poke his eye, "will stick to your vows and honor them. If you ever hurt her in any way, not only will you have to deal with Bjorn. Am I understood?" Sirius only nodded. "And you, " he then turned to James, "I understand that you don't like her, and I honestly don't care if you want to be civil with her or not, but I will not tolerate any form of disrespect towards her. I'm fed up with your spoiled bratt attitude, James, and trust me, a broken nose will be the least of your problems if you ever cause trouble for Severine again."
Remus had stormed out of Sirius's office. Sirius had gone after him, and James… well… he assumed he'd gone to his wife to be mended, since the next time he saw his friend, his nose was as good as new.
When he managed to reach Remus, the wolf healed his hand, but his heart remained broken for his friend. He knew that Remus was right, and he couldn't even begin to imagine what he felt whenever Severine looked at him with a blood-chilling fear in her eyes… though he surmised it was the same fear Severine felt of him.
They had agreed on weekly visits, just to chat, and Sirius would always find an excuse to make Remus stay longer and ease Severine into accepting him. Remus also traveled due to his job and his relationship, so the visits sometimes turned into long letters, but whenever he came, Severine always seemed tense, if not fearful of him.
They had never actually talked about it, but if Sirius was willing to put up with Bjorn asking every time if Sirius treated Severine and Ben right, it was fair that Sirius encouraged his wife to befriend Remus. He had already given up on James, though. Severine just couldn't stand him and he was still mad that all of his wife's attempts at rekindling her friendship with Severine were being home runed. They were civil with each other, though, for the sake of Harry and Nev. If by civil one could describe their interactions as pretending that the other didn't exist and vacating a room after a polite five or ten minutes when the other entered.
It was for the better, Sirius thought. Severine could deal with Lily on her own and he didn't have to worry about James.
After the shy kiss Severine gave him while he was half asleep, and the blissful night he spent with her in his arms, he was even more determined to see a friendship between Remus and Severine bloom. Remus had been mentioning proposing to his girlfriend, and they were looking for a property in the woods, somwhere they could spend their full moons quietly in each other's company, where it was difficult for wizards or muggles to be… somewhere away enough that they wouldn't stumble upon unsuspecting humans and a tragedy could occur.
Sirius had the perfect place for them, it was near one of his properties in the highlands of Scotland, deep within the forest to avoid prying eyes from muggle and wizardkind alike. Sirius had it all planned… He could give the small farm to Remus and his future wife as a wedding gift, and he could convince Severine to move to the cottage and raise Ben and their future children there. He imagined it would be easy, since the cottage was just an apparition jump away from Hogsmeade, and it was far enough from the farm that they wouldn't run into each other although both were in the same plot of land. Sirius could bring Severine to the town whenever she needed to see Ben once he went to Hogwarts. Keeping his position as Head Auror wouldn't even be a problem, he could travel by floo to the ministry or he could just quit and focus on his Lordship… as soon as the Bellatrix threat was neutralized, of course.
It was with that thought in mind that Sirius approached her after her weekly call with Bjorn. He supposed that three months of having her family parcially back in her life might have mellowed her a bit, none of Sirius' friends were visiting and it seemed that the conversation she'd had with the bulgarian was good enough that it had put her in a good mood. He held Ben tighter to his chest, it was now or never.
"Sev?" he starts, trying to keep his nonchalant approach. She hummed in resaponse, not quite paying attention to him while she put her mirror back in its makeshift case. "I was wondering if you're ok with inviting Remus this weekend…" She stood to take her precious mirror back to the shelf she kept it in, Sirius had previously put wards on it to prevent someone other than Sev… and him to touch it. She hummed again. "He… well…" then she turned around and looked at him, pinning his gray eyes with her impossibly dark ones.
"Why are you stuttering? It's not like I can forbid you what to do or not in your house?" She said, reaching out to take Ben from his arms and walking towards the kitchen. Sirius frowned and followed after her.
"Well… I'm asking because only Remus will be coming… I know you're still… aprehensive… of him." that stopped Severine in her tracks. Ben just giggled. Kida appeared with a bottle for the baby and took Ben to his nursery. Sirius just watched her take a deep breath.
"Of course I am aprehensive of him, as you put it." she said in a distant, cold voice. Sirius felt a shiver run down his spine. "He almost killed me."
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit! Why did he have to open his stupid, stupid mouth! "You know he didn't intend to… he isn't to blame for that!" he pleaded, still looking at her back. Sirius wanted so bad to reach out to her and make her face him, but deep down he knew that if he touched her, he'd only make things worse.
"Don't you think I know that?" she kept going with that nonchalance that he so hated… it brought him back to their Hogwarts years… before he discovered she was his soulmate… before he even realized he loved her. "Tell me, Sirius… Do you ever wonder how I can stand to sleep next to you on the same bed, or even look at you, knowing that you once tried to kill me?" then she turned, and in that moment he wished she hadn't. Her eyes were as cold as they used to be. "Of course I know that it wasn't Remus' fault… but it's still hard for me to see those amber eyes and ignore the memories of that night…" her gaze became unfocused, "Those pained amber eyes turned frightened, and then they turned golden and angry… The quiet boy became a bloodthirsty monster and I barely escaped thanks to… Potter." she spat his friend's name like it was a curse… then her eyes focused on him again. She entered the kitchen and prepared herself a calming tea. "Sometimes, when Remus comes over and tries to talk to me or even touch Ben…" she sighed, took a sip of her drink and sat down, "When we go to sleep, sometimes, I have nightmares… That a big, brown wolf with violent gold eyes enters our room holding something between his blood drenched teeth… and when it comes closer it snarls and drops the thing… drops Ben, all bloody and dead, at my feet… and as I reach out to touch my baby he snarls and launches itself at me…" Sirius hadn't know that her fear of Remus was still that strong… "All I can do is just run to the nursery and watch Ben breathe and sleep peacefully until I fall asleep…" How had Sirius not noticed before? He slept next to her for fuck's sake!
He approached her and kneeled next to her, forcing her hands to leave the mug on the table and cradling them between his own. "I'm so sorry, Sev… I… I'm ashamed that I didn't know the extent of your fear." She exhaled a shuddering breath and Sirius just hugged her to him. "I am so sorry that I was ever stupid enough to fool myself into believing I hated you, and did what I did… I'm still ashamed of myself for those things I put you through and you never deserved…" he paused and pushed her a bit away from him, enough for them to be able to look into each other's eyes, but not enough for their chests to stop touching… if Sirius wanted, he could just lean in the tiniest bit and kiss her… "And I am so sorry it took me so long to apologize to you for all those bad things I did. Specially for that… I'm so sorry that it took me so long to apologize for almost murdering you. I truly was an unconscious asshole back then and I can't believe it took me almost killing two people for me to see how awful I was…" He felt heavy guilt and shame lodge in his chest… he felt so disgusted with himself… "For all I claimed to hate my family and rejected their darkness, I ended up being worse than them… At least they didn't pretend or hid who they really were…"
Both of them fell silent, lost in their own thoughts.
What felt like minutes later, Severine extricated herself from Sirius's arms and stood, still lost in her thoughts and leaving the man on the floor. "Sev?" She heard him call after her, but she kept walking even when he rushed after her and held her hand… her skin burned where he touched her.
"I just need to rest… I'll go check on Ben first." She pulled her hand from him and kept walking, not even glancing his way. Sirius remained there, frozen in the kitchen door watching her retreating back like an abandoned dog.
What the fuck was he thinking? Was he even thinking at all? Sirius squashed his want to go after her and demand a reaction other than her coldness, instead, he just took a deep breath and turned towards where Severine had been sitting. He took her place and finished the rest of her tea, wondering if the slight progress in their relationship of the past two months had been wasted after this argument.
***
What the fuck was he thinking? Didn't he realise that she had given so much already? She was aware that she couldn't stop Black from doing whatever he wanted in his house, but to be so careless… To think that she would be okay with two werewolves in the house… two werewolves that could very well kill her and her son…
Severine entered Ben's nursery and closed the door with the lock. Her little boy was sleeping peacefully and the courtains were lowered to only allow the slightest sunlight from the window. She approached the crib and watched him sleep.
She wasn't lying when she told Black about her nightmares… The moment he and his gang came back into her life, the nightmares returned too. When Ben was alive, she used to dream that Black kicked the door of… of Erick's and her house, a big, brown, angry wolf at the end of a leash, both of them looking for her and he setting the wolf loose on Erick… She had done everything she could to avoid being in either Black or Lupin's presences those last three months of her pregnancy, but the inevitable had happened and then Erick was gone and she found herself at the mercy of Black and his gang again.
Then, after the wedding, it was only Erick's death on repeat every night, and as time wore on, it was Black killing Erick, or Black hurting Ben, or Black hurting her and Ben or Black torturing Erick and Ben to force her to come back with him… Those first few months had been madness… That's why she had started leaving the room and spending the night in Ben's nursery. Only the sight of her baby, alive and safe, could calm her enough to allow her to sleep. Sometimes she woke at dawn, barely in time to go back to Black's room before he woke up, Sometimes, more often than not, she remained in the rocking chair until Kida came and fetched her.
When the Potters and Lupin started coming more often, she did all she could to avoid them. Mrs. Dimitrov used to gladly spend time with them, listening to whatever they had to say. Sometimes, when she couldn't avoid it, she took Ben and allowed for the wolf to come dangerously close to him… In those moments, Severine felt her heart beat its way towards her throat and her stomach plummet to the ground. Mrs. Dimitrov and Erick had known of the bad experiences she'd had at the hands of Sirius and his friends, but only Erick knew the real extent of it because Bjorn saw it only appropriate to tell him. And even then, they both only knew that there had been a murder attempt, but the details still remained a secret.
She was polite with Lupin, and polite with his girlfriend when he had brought her over, but it had only been a few hours… Just a few hours and then they always left… How could she be able to keep herself from reacting in a bad way for two whole days whenever either Lupin or his girlfriend approached her or Ben?
She had tried, honestly, she had tried to talk about this deeply rooted fear with Mrs. Lovett, her therapist, but every time she tried to breach the subject, the stupid vow Dumbledore forced upon her prevented her from speaking. How would she ever be able to get better if she couldn't talk about it?
She felt her chest constrict. She didn't want to be scared forever, she didn't want to be afraid, because fear meant she was vulnerable, and she couldn't allow herself to be vulnerable while in her situation. Black may mean no harm towards Ben or her for the moment, but she wasn't naive enough to believe this farce would last forever. The Potters, Mrs. Potter was trying to trap her into a sense of false security so that she could betray her again. Severine would never fall for her act a second time. Potter was probably the only honest of the lot, she disgusted him, and the feeling was very much mutual. Lupin, on the other hand, was still the spineless idiot he ever was. He acted as if they had always been frendly with each other. How could Severine be friendly with someone that always stood still and watched attentively when his friends hurt her so badly?
She didn't really care for the man, as long as he was a safe distance away from her and her son.
Lupin may not have tried to kill her, but he had remained close friends with the man that had used him as his murder tool and been okay with it. He was a hypocrite, just like herself. Married to the man she loathed the most just to get something in return…
Severine sighed and turned from Ben's nursery towards his changing table. She took the picture there and looked at it. How had things gone so awfully wrong? Watching her own smiling face, the look of pure devotion in her eyes while she looked at the love of her life dug holes in her heart. Erick's own smiling, proud face looking at the camera, one of his arms around her waist and his other hand holding hers around her bouquet… She felt the pressure build behind her eyes until she couldn't hold the tears anymore.
When she married Black, she was aware that she would be willingly submitting herself to his whims… why had she expected that he would ever consider her feelings? She wasn't stupid. She had noticed how Lupin always tried to be friendly towards her, but he always left her alone when she didn't budge to his manipulation. She had noticed how Sirius always tried to make them get along whenever Lupin was around.
She took one last look at the picture in her hands and traced her Erick's face with her finger, then put it back in its place. With one of Ben's small towels she cleaned her tears and fixed her makeup, took one last look at her baby and kissed his little, cubby face. One or two deep, calming breaths later, she steeled herself and went back to the room she shared with Sirius. She needed to think, but first, she needed a nap. The past few months had been emotionally draining and today's argument had only made her resent her situation more.
***
The days that followed were a tense affair for Sirius and Severine. She seemed to be walking on eggshells everytime she was near him while he was trying not to spook her away; the few times he tried to talk to her about the Remus issue, she always told him that she would be fine with whatever he decided to do, then turned and left. Neither wanted to pick a fight over Remus, but things were getting out of hand -in Sirius' perspective-.
It was a good thing that Sirius hadn't talked to Remus yet about inviting him to Grimmauld for the weekend to host a little get-together where he could propose to his girlfriend, but he really needed someone to talk to about his situation. He hated leaving Severine alone in the house with just the elves for company, but today, Mrs. Lovett, Severine's therapist, would come by, so he felt a little bit more confident to step out.
"Have you ever thought that perhaps Severine has never talked about the…. Incident… with another person?" asked Remus after a few minutes of silence in their conversation. Sirius found himself turning abruptly towards his friend. "I mean… as far as we know, Bjorn only knows that you tried to kill her," Sirius took in a sharp breath at the words, "but he doesn't know how…" Then, Remus' eyes snapped open with urgency. "The vow…" he whispered. Then, Sirius' brain caught up to what his friend meant.
"Dumbledore made her take an unbreakable vow that she would never reveal what had happened that night, or my status as a werewolf… I imagine that Bjorn figured out that we almost kill her, but not the how… and she hasn't been able to tell a soul about it… She has never gotten over her trauma because she can't talk about it." deducted Remus.
"But… but she doesn't have her magic, I mean, the vow was done with magic, surely when she renounced to it any kind of vow broke…" Sirius wondered, hopeful.
"Powerful vows, specially the unbreakable vow, don't work like that, hence the name 'unbreakable'. The one Dumbledore forced upon Severine isn't anchored in her magic, it is anchored in her lifeline, that's why its use is frowned upon by the Ministry. In ancient times, Lords used the unbreakable vow indiscriminately to hide their corruption, forcing innocent people into complicity or even to make them take the blame. People can use an unbreakable vow in many ways. If Severine had entered the vow out of her own free will, her life wouldn't be in danger, since it would have been anchored in her magic, she would have been freed once the conditions of the vow were fulfilled. Sure, it would compell her to keep mum about it, but since she was coerced into it… Dumbledore threatened to expell her and get her into Azkaban if she ever revealed my condition… He forced her into a vow she didn't want. When a vow is forced, it latches on the lifeline of the people involved." Remus lowered his head in shame. "I could have stopped them… him… from coercing her into accepting, but my fear was bigger… If I hadn't been such a coward…" Remus understood why Severine didn't like him, and he didn't blame her. That's why he tried to befriend her but never pushed too hard.
"Is there a way to break it?" asked Sirius, interrupting his friend's pity party. If there was a way to break it, to free Severine from that burden… He'd do whatever it took.
"The kind of vow Dumbledore forced on Severine… It can only be broken once one of them is dead… " Replied Remus in a somber tone. Sirius let that piece of information sink in.
***
Severine felt like she was being split in a million pieces. The feeling made itself present a few days ago, when she realized in exactly two weeks Ben would be turning one. One year since her baby was born… One year since she lost the love of her life… She wished she could stop the time from passing, the world from turning… She wished she could get rid of the guilt.
Mrs. Lovett was a wonderful therapist. She was a muggle phsychologist that was different from the ones Severine had known before her. She was kind, and took her practice seriously, but also kept in mind that her patients were humans, and Severine always felt the woman's empathy when they talked. Severine hadn't understood at first why a muggle doctor, but Sirius hadn't wanted a repeat of their wedding day. Wizarding Britain was small, and Severine had to agree that trusting a mind healer was out of the question, not becaause they weren't good at their jobs, but because professional secrecy was something they didn't like to practice.
With Mrs. Lovett, Severine felt free to talk about everything, as if she was talking with a friend. She knew everything, from her terrible home life, to the abuse she had suffered at school at the hands of her now husband; Severine even felt comfortable talking to her about how she came to be married to her former bully, and Mrs. Lovett, although scandalized, understood her dire situation. It also helped that Sirius had charmed her into forgetting everything once she was three blocks away from Grimmauld, and remembered everything when she came back for their weekly sessions. Of course she remembered Severine and their appointments, but since the woman's life was a bit hectic, she didn't put much thought on it. Also, something that had been helping Severine get through her hatred of Sirius and his friends, was that Mrs. Lovett allowed her to vent her anger. Mind you, Severine was not a violent person, but during the time she had lived with her father, she had learnt some colourful vocabulary that would make even the crudest of men cringe. Mrs. Lovett certainly did every time Severine talked like that.
The past year of weekly therapy sessions had been helpful in ways Severine hadn't anticipated. Erick's death had devastated her, and at some point she had wished that she could trade Ben's life for that of her husband, but the guilt that thought produced in her was even bigger than her pain. Every time that awful thought crossed her mind, the memory of the days previous to their wedding assaulted her like a brick to the head. Erick telling her how excited he was that they would finally get to be married, tied in sacred union for life… How he had wished to become a father, because the memories he'd had of his own were a treasure that he wished he could share with his own children. Severine had never been a woman that enjoyed kids, but Erick had helped her open her mind in many different ways… His love had been the healing salve her sould needed. He had loved her because of everything that she was, and he had helped her see that not only was she deserving of other people's love, he had helped her see her own value and through his love she had learnt to love herself, even if just a little. Erick had been the very best thing that could have happened to her, and Ben was just the blessing of their union, the solid proof that they had loved each other.
Severine had also believed that they would get to live long, happy lives, basking in the love they had for each other until death of old age made them part… As time progressed, as Ben grew and became a lively baby, Severine understood that Erick would have wanted his son to live on, that Erick would have loved his son more than life itself, and Severine sure loved her baby more than she could ever comprehend. Then, the pain of losing her husband, although it remained a fundamental part of her, it lessened. She learned to live with that Erick-shaped hole in her life and her heart, she made it her mission to teach her son all about his father, to make sure that her little Ben knew how much his father loved him… But some other times, the pain flared and with it the guilt made itself present, battling each other or joining forces until she was too overwhelmed to feel anything other than numbness. Such was the state she was in when her mother-in-law died.
When she was buried, Severine felt the numbness recede a little, and along with her pain and guilt, envy surged. The woman was finally reunited with her son and the love of her life, while Severine was stuck in a miserable marriage to a man she would never love and with no means to just take Ben and leave. She had no magic to keep her son safe, and her money was not even enough to keep them hidden until that bitch Bellatrix was killed. Mrs. Lovett had warned her that bottling her emotions would only make the later explotion bigger, but she didn't want to fight with Black. If she let out everythig she was holding in, things would get awful real quick. She had been about to lose her temper when Black mentioned inviting Lupin for the weekend… She talked to Mrs. Lovett about it, well, part of it… it still galled her that she couldn't talk about that issue without her life being at risk… then the days went by and when she looked at the calendar she realized that almost a year had passed.
A year that she had endured without Erick by her side. Severine noticed that Black knew too. He seemed to be walking on pins and needles around her, maybe he didn't want her to get angry, but more than anger, Severine felt her dear old friend, crippling heartache, rear its ugly head.
As she overheard Lily ask Sirius about Ben's birthday celebration, she felt a hollow in her chest. Of course she was glad that her baby would be celebrating his first birthday, but she would also be conmemorating the first year without the love of her life.
"I don't think we will be celebrating." she heard Sirius say. "She's been under the weather lately… It's also Erick's…"
"Oh…" Lily cut him up abruptly. "I understand. It's probably better that just the three of you spend the day together."
Severine just turned around and left, holding a sleepy Ben to her chest. She didn't want to fight, she didn't want to keep on bottling her emotions, but she just didn't want to crumble in front of people she didn't trust. As she walked towards the nursery, she thought of Lily's last words… Would it be better for just the three of them to spend Ben's birthday toghether? She couldn't continue to fool herself into thinking she could stop Black from doing whatever he wanted, much less in his own home. She had tried before to keep Sirius from involving himself in anything regarding her baby, but he had overridden her and taken over… Begrudgingly, she had to admit that Sirius behaved much as Ben's father as Erick would have. It bothered her, but Mrs. Lovett had assured her that it was a good thing that Black had so readily accepted the baby and loved him as his own. Severine didn't want Black to love her child, she didn't want him to be kind to her, she didn't want him to be so invested into this farce of a marriage… She just wanted Erick back.
As she sat in the rocking chair and breastfed her baby, she ran her eyes over his little, chubby face, admiring how as the time passed, his round face took on its true shape. His eyes were the same blue as Erick's had been, the shape of his nose and his lips were Erick's too… She only hoped that, as Ben grew, he would be of a sunny disposition, just like his father.
As Ben fed, she couldn't stop wondering… what would her life be like now, had Erick been saved? She knew for a fact that Bellatrix would still be behind them, but if Erick was still alive, maybe they would have found a way… together…
Sirius opened the door to the nursery, breaking her from her musings. His warm hand on her shoulder made her shiver in a way that she wished it didn't. Sometimes, when the numbness was enough, she found that she didn't mind him touching her. He was always so respecful of her boundaries, never asking for more than a kiss on the cheek or the softest of brushes of their lips every once in a while; his hand on the small of her back when she carried Ben, or a soft caress in her arm; or the way he held her hand or when he softly caressed her cheek. She didn't mind that he touched her when she was numb, most of the time she could handle it, but in times like these, when she was feeling overwhelmed, she hated his touch… Hated it with the kind of hate that made her insides twist with revulsion for the man, hated it with the kind of hate needed to cast an Unforgivable. And she hated it because it made her remember how Erick used to touch her like that. Casual touches that always conveyed the longing and the desire and the tenderness of the love they shared. Hated it because it made her feel that same desire and tenderness and love, but worst of all, the longing. Whenever Sirius Black touched her, she pretended it was Erick… his phantom touch awakening that hunger within her that made her dream of the love and the passion she had experienced with her beloved… only to be ruthlessly brought back to the reality of her situation. The longing for the things she could not have was greater than anything.
Sirius knelt in front of her, his eyes trained on the baby's mouth where it was latched to her nipple. She could see the love this man held for her son, the tenderness there as he observed how the child suckled; but she could also see the desire and the hunger when his eyes strayed towards her naked skin… there was something else there too… this longing that she only knew too well. Sirius Black longed for her in the same way she longed for Erick, but he also longed for something else… A family of his own. He longed for someone to love him. But Severine just couldn't be that someone, and in that precise moment, she felt pity for him.
"I can burp Ben for you." he said, his eyes still trained on the baby's face while one of his fingers softly caressed his cheek. When Ben let her go, she quickly tried to cover her chest, to stop him from looking… but he dived in and kissed her above the nipple while he carefully took Ben in his arms. His eyes travelled from the baby's face to hers, pinning her in place with a look… He raised with the baby in his arms and placed him against his shoulders, starting a slow pace around the crib while carefully rubbing Ben's back. Severine felt paralized for the briefest of moments, but then Sirius started humming a lullaby that broke her from her stupor and she fixed her bra and blouse quickly, though she remained seated at the rocking chair, thinking.
***
Sirius felt his heart skip several beats when he heard a noise behind him. He stood, wand at the ready, making sure that his shield charm around Severine and Ben was still strong, then turned around to inspect his surroundings. "Homenum revelio." he whispered, not getting anything from the spell, then he saw a flock of small birds fly from the bushes behind him. Just in case, he walked close to where Severine and Ben where, keeping his wand in his hand, hidden from view underneath the sleeve of his jacket. Severine noticed him and turned watery eyes to him, questioning. Oh, how beautiful she looked when she cried… except, he wished she didn't. At least not for this reason. "Do you still have it?" he quietly asked her, she showed him the back of her right hand, where a solitaire sapphire ring rested on her pointer finger. Sirius only nodded and walked a few steps back.
Sirius had hoped to spend this day at home, safely ensconced within the walls of his ancestral home, with Severine and Ben in his arms. But he hadn't been able to deny Severine what she truly wanted for her son's first birthday.
She hadn't need say a word. He could see it written all over her face in the way her eyes lingered longer on Erick's picture in the baby's nursery. Sirius knew that Severine often told Ben tales of her previous life, even if the child couldn't understand. He knew she sat with Ben in the rocking chair, holding the picture of her wedding to that man, and pointing to him while encouraging the boy to repeat the word "dada". Even if Ben couldn't understand, he would eventually associate the word he so coveted with the man he so envied.
Sirius knew it was foolish to be jealous of a dead man, but where would that leave him when the child grew up enough to understand? Sirius had been doing his duty too behind Severine's back. If she wanted Ben to call that man "dada", then Sirius was within his right to teach the kid to call him "papa". He was raising the boy after all. So far, neither he nor Severine had succeeded. Ben was still a babbling baby, the most he had said was "ma" to call for Severine.
Had it been up to Sirius, the three of them would be spending the day at Grimmauld's garden, with the Potters and Remus for company. Harry and Neville had turned five this year and they were only so glad to be around Ben. But the sadness in her eyes… and the resignation… That was what motivated him to bring her here. He had made the necessary arrangements… without external knowledge, of course. He went to the muggle Bulgarian embassy to sort out Ben and Severine's passports, and his visa; bought muggle airplane tickets and arranged a portkey. He obliviated everyone he had contact with. The people at the small cottage they were staying in would be forgetting about them as soon as they left, Bjorn and his family didn't know they were there, no one knew they were there…
When he told Severine what he had planned, she didn't believe him, until he showed her the plane tickets and Ben's passport. It broke Sirius's heart when she finally broke and started crying. She crumbled where she was standing, kneeling before him and hugging herself. Sirius knelt next to her and dragged her to him, holding her to his chest. It was almost like they were back to a year ago, when Severine couldn't stop the well of tears from flowing until there were no more… until she was left with nothing but and empty shell of herself.
In that moment, Sirius wished to swish his wand and make her forget… to erase that man from her memory… replace the happy, bittersweet memories she had of Erick with images of himself, build himself into her memories and fool themselves into pretending that it was always Sirius who had been by her side, holding her and loving her, and that Ben was the product of the love they had always shared… But a farce never lasted forever.
He could only reassure her that it was not a cruel joke, and after the tenth time that she made him swear on his magic that it was true, she believed him. She flew upstairs to pack a pair of changes of clothes for him, Ben and her, and fussed all around the house for the rest of the day. Sirius knew she was anxious, but he found he didn't want to calm her down. It had been the most active Severine had been in his presence since they married. It was refreshing, if a bit annoying.
When they landed, Sirius made sure to cast glamours around them so no one could identify them, and then drove them to the cottage near the cemetery, where they would be staying. Sirius purposefully hired a car similar to the one Erick had owned, and drove the street where the accident had happened. Severine was gloomy all the way. Sirius hated doing it, but it was a reminder for Severine, as much as for himself, that things had already changed. She could cling to her past as much as she wished, but that wouldn't erase the fact that it was Sirius who was beside her, and it would be Sirius the one she spent the rest of her life with. For Sirius, it was a reminder that he couldn't let the past repeat itself. He had changed for Severine, had learnt to tame the wild impulses that surged withing him whenever she was near… He had made it his goal to become a better man for her and for the family they were raising together. Let the past be in the past. Let their future breathe into them new life….
Neither of them could sleep that night. Sirius, worried for their security, casted spell after ward after spell around the cottage to keep his family safe, always second-guessing if what he did was enough. Severine, assaulted by the images of that dreadful night, nightmares where Erick blamed her for his death, of Erick accusing her of cheating on him with Sirius since the beginning… of Erick telling her that he wished he had never met her…
Neither of them could sleep that night. And now, Sirius's paranoia was filling him with adrenaline that he used to quietly cast recognition spells around his wife and son, trying to keep them safe, while Severine's heartbreak reduced her to that crying shame Sirius hated so much to see. And then it clicked in his brain. He hated seeing her cry her grief like this because it reminded him of the times he himself made her cry.
When Severine signaled for them to leave, it was well into the afternoon. Ben was fussy and hungry, and Sirius's paranoia was making him see things that weren't there. Severine stood, holding the baby to her chest while Sirius cast again a shield charm around her until they reached the car. With one last look around, he climbed inside and started the engine, driving towards a small restaurant within the nearest muggle area.
Neither spoke much during the ride, nor during their meal. Neither had much of an appetite anyway, so Sirius ordered their leftovers for takeaway and they went back to the cottage. As they got ready for bed, Sirius noticed how Severine's face still showed traces of her grief and longing over her lost life. She looked like she was being slowly and painfully stabbed over and over, but Sirius couldn't do anything but hope that whatever it was dying inside her would be the hope of ever getting her old life back. Visiting Erick's grave had, at least for Sirius, made the reality of Severine's situation that much more real. Erick was gone for good, Bjorn couldn't be here for her and it was only her and Ben on their own. Sirius was the only one she could fully trust from now on.
As Severine settled on the bed next to him and gave what he thought was a resigned, tired sigh, Sirius felt something withing him snap and release him. His aprehension of this trip left his body, his reluctance and lingering fear of Severine leaving him went out the window too. He settled on the bed close to Severine, placing a hesitant arm around her waist. She tensed, but allowed his touch and even burrowed a little against him. He released the air he didn't know he was holding.
Tomorrow they would go back to England, and, Sirius hoped, to the true beginning of their life as a real marriage.