Chapter Text
16.
Transit umbra, lux permanet
Shadow passes, light remains
Sam slid back into consciousness standing on shaking legs under a velvet black, nearly starless sky. The storm had calmed around him and the city stood eerily quiet, still quaking and cold in the torrent’s aftermath.
“Heya, Sammy,” Dean said, turning to face Sam in the blossoming light. His voice was rich and delicious like cream flavored with honey, a sound as beautiful as all the choirs of heaven to Sam’s ears. Bright, golden sunlight cut like a spotlight through the ebony sky and glinted off Dean’s sun-dappled cheeks. His eyes were greener than summer foliage, smile lines like deep, beautiful canyons fanning out at their corners. His plush, pink lips parted in an easy grin. A smile reserved just for Sam. “I missed you so much, man.”
Dean stepped closer and Sam swore he could smell his clean skin, feel the warmth that radiated off of him. Sam gasped softly as Dean smoothed his hands gently down his arms, pulling Sam’s hands into his own. His fingertips ran tenderly over Sam’s shattered knuckles, the injuries there fading to memory as he brought them up to his lips. He kissed Sam’s hands reverently, lips pressing over tendon and bone. Dean’s eyes fluttered shut, his lashes gently rustled by Sam’s heaving breath.
Sam’s skin erupted in a flush of feeling under his brother’s touch, like flesh warming from the bitter cold. His nerve endings, numb for so long, were suddenly alive, practically dancing beneath Dean’s comforting touch. The rush of bliss rolled over Sam’s entire body like the warm ebb of waves lapping at some white sanded beach.
Sam blinked his eyes in the golden light, shaking his head in disbelief. The wet heat of fresh tears poured down his cheeks and dragged a small, ragged laugh out of his lungs. It couldn’t be real. The hard bite of asphalt against Sam’s knees felt real enough as he fell to the ground, sobbing. Dean followed him down, pulling Sam into his loving, protective embrace. He pressed his lips to the center of Sam’s forehead, the tip of his nose nuzzling into the part of Sam’s hair. His breath, gentle and warm, soothed over the damp spot left by his kiss as he slowly pulled away.
“It’s time to go home, Sam. It’s done. You made it back to me. Finally.”
The ground turned subtly soft beneath Sam’s knees. Silhouettes of tombstones and trees, flowers and grass, faded into focus behind Dean’s broad shoulders. Sunlight burned away the rest of the night sky as Sam looked into Dean’s eyes. His brother, his lover, his everything. It was like seeing paradise, a new beginning, the promise of eternal love that didn’t require a leap of faith to believe.
“Dean, wait, I – I don’t know what… What did I do?” Tears streamed down Sam’s face and his body ached with the echo of his actions, what he had become. The weight of it fell down around him like scenes from a movie, pictures from a true crime novel, grey and faded at the edges. The blood was still so red in his mind, he could smell the gunpowder and the stink of death rushing back into his senses like a nightmare. Sam could feel the life draining out of Dante as if he were still straddling his broken body. He yanked his hands away from Dean’s, pulling out of his embrace. “Don’t touch me, Dean. I’m ruined, I’m poison, I’m – ”
Dean was sunshine and light, fresh linen and lazy summers on a porch they’d never sit on again, rocking chairs and apple pie. He was pure, he was worth protecting. Sam was darkness, blood, and obsession. He’d become the very thing they’d spent most of their lives hunting. Sam had morphed into a monster. He scrubbed his shaking hands over his face. The unctuous smear of grease paint on his skin made him look down at his palms. A violent smear of black, white, and muted grey looked like storm clouds. His teardrops fell onto his open hands like droplets of rain.
“Shhhh, no Sammy. No. Don’t do this. You’re forgiven. We both are. It’s done and we never have to look back again. Not ever.”
Dean wrapped his arms around Sam and pulled him against his chest, stroking his hair away from his face. He pulled them down to the soft, grassy earth together, keeping Sam curled up against his impossible heartbeat, stroking his skin until the tears faded and they both looked up into the light filtering down on them through the oak leaves.
“Remember when you said ‘mine’ and I said ‘forever?’ You said ‘only forever?’ It’s forever now, Sammy.”
In saecula saeculorum